“My Long Distance Foreign Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Marry”
I immediately got a job and my boyfriend and I were long distance again for the better part of a year (with him flying in to see me once every 2-3 months since he has far more vacation time as a European and, ten years older than I am, is more established in his career). Eventually, however, I was able to land a spot in a 1-year work exchange program between my country and his. As the contract was coming to a close, I started bringing up marriage since marriage would allow us to stay together and work in one another’s countries. Every time I brought it up, he said he didn’t see himself as a married person. This really hurt me; since we both had said we wanted to spend our lives together, I couldn’t see why we wouldn’t take that next step which would make it actually possible to do so.
Anyway, I moved back to the US again and got another job, which brings this story to the present day. After discussing how difficult it is for me to find a job in his country, we have decided that he will try to find a job in the US (should be easier given his experience and specialization). I know he has sent out some applications, but I don’t know how hard he is really trying. At this point, I have vowed not to bring up marriage again because I sure as heck don’t believe in pressuring someone into it! I’ve let him know, however, that I am sick to death of long distance and, if we couldn’t find a way to be together by spring, then I am moving on.
Enter the next complication: it is now September and, in the last couple of months, I’ve developed a crush on a neighbor. So far, it is pretty innocent and I am trying not to let it cloud my view of my relationship. But the truth is – either due to the excitement of the crush or perhaps because I have been psychologically preparing to exit my current relationship in the spring – I find myself no longer excited/happy to talk to my boyfriend. To be brutally honest, it sometimes feels like a chore. However, I feel I owe it to my boyfriend to keep it together as he is still trying to find a way to move here.
Since my feelings are ambiguous now, should I really let my boyfriend continue to try to uproot his life for me? I know I need to communicate with him, but I don’t know what to say. I still love him a lot and we have so much in common, have visited each other’s family around the world, and are so invested in our relationship. I don’t want to blow it up due to impatience or a silly infatuation.
I desperately need your advice as my boyfriend is coming to visit in a couple weeks, and I want to address this then. — Fed Up in Limbo Land
For all the effort you’ve invested into making this long distance relationship work, you sure have glossed over a huge, glaring obstacle that almost ensures an eventual end point: he doesn’t want to get married and you do. Now, perhaps your reason for wanting marriage is simply to make being together easier and you aren’t, at the root, a “marriage person” either, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that your boyfriend is, apparently, anti-marriage (at least for himself) and, while there’s nothing wrong with that necessarily, it does speak to the difference in your values as well as to the commitment you have to your relationship.
There are many practical reasons people get married: to have access to better health insurance plans; hospital visitation when there’s been an accident or illness; the right to make end-of-life decisions for a partner; taxation and inheritance rights; easier ability to adopt together; access to social security benefits; financial protection in case the relationship ends; and, of course, getting permanent residency in a partner’s home country. The fact that your boyfriend is so quick to reject all of these benefits — one of which would ensure your ability to actually be together, finally, in the same country — because he’s not a marriage person speaks VOLUMES about his true commitment to you (as does his seeming lack of interest in moving to the US; in several years together, he’s only just now started to entertain the idea of looking for work here? Hmm…).
The truth is, when you love someone and truly envision a future together and know in your heart you’re meant to be, you move heaven and earth to make it happen. Your boyfriend hasn’t even tried to move himself. And yet, you think you owe it to him to keep working at this relationship even though he’s done seemingly less work than you have? If either of you owes the other anything — and I don’t think you do — he owes you an apology for stringing you along for so many years when he’s not as committed to a future together as you are. He’s not committed enough to marry you, and after several years together, and when marriage is one of the few ways you can actually BE legitimately together, that says something. He’s just not as committed as he needs to be for this relationship to work long-term.
I haven’t even mentioned your crush because it’s inconsequential. This is strictly about you and your boyfriend, and from your description you’ve run out of fight and he never had much to begin with. I say MOA. As difficult as it will be, pulling the plug now will be much easier than waiting months from now when your boyfriend finally admits to himself and to you that he doesn’t have any intention of moving to the US and he doesn’t have any intention of marrying you and, if that means you can’t be together, then oh, well. Do the sad good-byes now, before you start believing he’s actually looking for a job in the states only to be let down that he isn’t committed to that idea either.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Ooh, I was just reading this in the forums & the OP buried the lede so deep that I didn’t even notice the “I’m not a marrying man” bit. So yeah, WWS. And even without that, I’d move on. It seems like you’ve already emotionally moved on— & I’m not talking about the crush, even, just the “it’s a chore to talk to him” thing— but you want to cling out of a desire to make sure this all was worth it? Don’t cling, & then realize when he moves to you that you’re not into it anymore. This is the perfect time to cut ties.
I would say I’m not a “marriage person”. But if getting married were necessary to be able to live with my partner? Of course I would marry him. There’s something really odd about giving priority to an ideological stance over, you know, actually being with the person you love. Perfect advice, Wendy!
“To be brutally honest, it sometimes feels like a chore.”
WTF, break up! What? Ugh.
So actual thoughts- you guys want different things in life (marriage), live on different continents, and you’re completely disinterested. It is time to let this relationship go. Long distance is hard, really hard but in the 3 years we where long distance I never ever thought my relationship was a chore or became disinterested. It’s a really big red flag that you use that kind of language to describe your relationship.
You two want different things. MOA. That’s really what it boils down to.
Psychologically, I think what may be going on here is that even though this LW is pretty much over the relationship by now, she can’t let go because now the guy has finally expressed an interest in moving to the US. Like, she really wanted him to commit, he never did, now she’s grown resentful and is over it, but – zading – just as she wants to pull the plug he suddenly says he wants to move and “maybe” marry.
Sounds like a ploy to keep her around. He likes things just the way they are. Or maybe he’s suddenly realized he needs a green card.
At the very least, it becomes very difficult to distinguish a real commitment to a shared future from last-minute attempts to save the relationship once you’ve reached this stage.
Seems like he could live and work in the US anyway, from OP’s discription. Apart fromt he fact that he doesn’t really seem to WANT that. Not everyone wants to live in the US, and even if: With a good educational background it’s not that hard to go.
Just move on. I promise that you can find someone here in the US. Well, not promise, but chances are this guy is not the ONLY man out there for you. You’re young. Take away all of the wonderful experiences you had living abroad, and living with this man, and move on with your life.
That’s what she was facing, too, except worse: IF she had found a job, she’d be leaving her home and family for an unknown situation with someone who WON’T marry her.
Question for you LW – does he not want to get married bc he’s from a culture that people don’t get married as much in? Or is he against the commitment? The Dutch folks I know are often in committed, kid having, lifelong relationships, but the “getting married” part is seen as somewhat outdated, and not necessary for establishing the commitment.
There’s a lot of other good points in the comments, but that’s my $0.02 input.
I totally get the ideological opposition to marriage – all power to people to feel their feelings – but in this case, its the means for them to actually be together, to ‘establish the commitment’, so yeah. Doesn’t pan out.
When I was in a similar situation with a man who ranted and raved about the patriarchal institution of marriage…
We got married. By his choice. Not my bugging. It was just the logical sensible choice to achieve our goal.
I know I’m always the cynical one but I think this guy likes having a young american girl to have sex with a few times a year and fawn on him and never had any intention of actually doing squat to really be together. Or yeah, he just finally noticed oh shit maybe this isn’t a sure thing after all and is finally hustling a bit and um, she’s over it!
You shouldn’t stay with your boyfriend because he’s ‘close enough.’ Sure you might be able to make this work for a few more years but eventually it is going to boil down to the deeper issues you two have. You don’t have to let it get that far before you break up. Do it now while you can still have fond memories.
WEES. Move on yesterday. You can do better.
I used to be in an LDR with a guy who said he didn’t want to get married. He eventually dumped me for a different LDR only he moved to be with her and eventually married her. Save yourself the pain and just move on, you’ll both be happier eventually. Also, date someone in your own area code next time.
Man, this happens a lot. It’s not that they don’t want to get married. They don’t want to get married to YOU. Ouch. Been there.
Funny, his getting married to someone else didn’t really bother me as much as his moving to be with her. It was far easier for him because they were both employed at the same company so it was easier for him to find work where she lived. He would have had a difficult time finding work here. I have no ill feelings towards him and wound up getting married before he did.
This what I want to say! I had a ldr and he never wanted to live with me. There’s too many men in the sea for you. I wouldn’t even let him come anymore, what’s the point?
It’s probably better not to interpret your boyfriend’s point of view and committment level without getting his input on the subject. It sounds like a frank conversation about where each of you stand and how you see the future playing out is long overdue. Just like moving in together to save rent is no reason, marrying for a visa is no reason either, btw.
Regarding the relationship issues, WWS x 100. Marriage is often the only way mixed country relationships can work. If he is automatically ruling it out, think very carefully about what he is saying to you.
Regarding the immigration issues, it is complicated for both of you. Immigration to the US is complicated. There are a limited number of visas every year and those are usually gone within a few days of the pool opening for the year. Assuming your boyfriend could find a job with a company willing to sponsor him, they (he and the company) must be successful getting the visa from the Fed. It is not a simple option any more regardless of his skills.
In the other direction, you may have similar issues depending on the country. One compromise, if both of you have high-value skills, is for both of you to pick up and move to Australia. Find a job with a company willing to sponsor you, or demonstrate enough points on their skills/experience scale to immigrate independently. The burdens are not usually so high, especially if you work in an occupation that is in demand in Australia and/or you are young. I have a number of friends from different countries who have done that successfully in the past few years. The window is closing but not as quickly as other countries.
I don’t know how long ago this story is from, but I’m in a 7 year long distance relationship, and I’m the one that kept rejecting my boyfriend proposal. He wants to be married so we can be together due to Visa issues. It’s not that I don’t want to be together with him, but I don’t know if he’s the one. I am happy when we are together, but when we are apart, I also quickly feel like, I am fine alone and don’t really need to be with him. This is why it is dragged out and I can’t make myself commit. Maybe deep down I am looking for something more. I don’t know. I just want to throw it out there from the perspective of the not wanting to marry side.
When you think about “I am fine alone and don’t really need to be with him” do you mean RIGHT NOW or EVER? I loved my LDR, seeing each other a weekend every 3-4 weeks. I found it very fulfilling, and when he moved to be with me I wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t be too much. (We’re now together 12 years, married 8.)
I’m going through a similar issue. I’m from Brazil and my girlfriend is from Germany we have been together for over 3 years. Because I’m from a worthless third world country I have a lot of difficulties to gain a permanent residence permit in Germany.
I still made all I could, got education visas, spent as much time as possible there, trying to fixate myself despite all the described difficulties above but it is all a losing battle the way I feel, Germany just doesn’t want me living there.
My girlfriend and I are awesome together, we have lots of fun, we have a great chemistry living together, lots of reciprocity, I want to spend my life with her however she decided she will NEVER marry me out of fears (mostly induced by her family) that I’m only using her in order to gain German citizenship.
She stated if I truly love her I shouldn’t rely in the much, much easier path of marriage, spouse visa for 2 years and bang citizenship (because she believes I’ll just abandon her afterwards), so I must figure out how to live in Germany for the whooping 8 interrupted years and apply to naturalization on my own.
In accounting we say sunk costs are irrelevant when making a decision for the future. I’d say your relationship with your BF is a sunk cost, and you should only consider staying in the relationship if your future needs will be met. It didn’t sound like they will, even if we consider the length of time you’ve spent working on it.
MOA