“My Mother-in-Law Won’t Stop Criticizing My Parenting”
Additionally, I feel like she criticizes me every time she comes around and is full of very old-school parenting advice. She insists that, if I supplement with formula, the baby will be better off and, if I got him trained on a pacifier, he would sleep better. (She even suggested putting honey on the pacifier to get him to take it). She says my nipples are too small to satisfy him. (I have an 11.5 pound 5-week-old in the 75th percentile for weight and height. Baby boy IS satisfied by my unimpressive nipples.). Mind you, she has always said unkind things to me about my body, cooking, or how I manage my household, but I was able to let them slide more than the latest attacks on my decisions as a new mom. Every time I see her she repeats the same remarks and I feel like I am constantly defending myself.
This is all compounded by my feeling like her three sons, my husband included, don’t spend much time with her and my feeling responsible over the last couple of years to make her feel involved in our lives and cared for. I usually roll with the punches with her, but my patience is running thin on little sleep and I’m not sure how much longer I can tactfully respond to her repetitive comments. Am I being too sensitive? Or overprotective? Do I keep saying no to her watching him alone, or try to leave him for a short period of time with her? Will I feel better about this when he is a little older? Help!! — Not Feeling so Patient Anymore
I can’t say that you’ll feel better about this when you’re older, if what you mean by this is your MIL’s meddling and criticism about your parenting. In fact, that may actually get worse. But what will get better – I promise! — is your overall well-being, your comfort in your role as a parent, and your trust that your child is going to be ok, even if things aren’t done perfectly. You’re only five weeks into this parenting thing and it’s totally normal, especially given your fluctuating hormones and sleep deprivation, that you’re feeling very sensitive and “over protective,” as you say.
This is your baby! Your very first baby! Of course, you want him cared for exactly a certain way and, of course, the thought of someone caring for him in any way that is different than how you’d care for him right now gives you anxiety. That will change eventually. Your feelings toward your MIL may not change, but I do think the idea of her watching him alone and maybe giving him a pacifier (or, say, a lollipop when he’s a toddler or whatever else you might not be 100% on-board with at home) won’t be such a big deal. As you relax as a parent in general, you will relax about your MIL’s role and relationship with your son as well as about what happens to him in the world when you aren’t with him.
And, as an aside, you will probably relax on some of your own behavior. Most new parents do. What seems like SUCH. A. BIG. DEAL. when a baby is five weeks old is not a thing a couple months down the road. Pacifiers, bottles, formula? You just might find that the positive effects of those things on your family’s quality of life outweigh whatever negative impact you’re afraid they might have.
It’s obviously out of line for your MIL to be making the comments she has been making and to insist that you leave your 5-week-old baby alone with her. It’s ok for you to not be ready for that. And I think it’s time for your husband to step in and communicate with his mother and to draw some boundaries. He IS her son, after all. Even if he’s typically taken a more back-seat role in maintaining a relationship with her and you’ve taken on more responsibility in keeping her involved in your lives, when you’re regularly upset by her, he needs to step up and defend you, and in this case that means talking with his mother about her behavior and letting her know that criticism will not be tolerated and, if she wants to spend time with her grandson, she will cease giving unsolicited advice.
In addition, you yourself need to tell your MIL that in time you will be happy to let her babysit her grandson — that you are so excited and happy that he has such a loving grandmother in his life and you know theirs will be a special relationship. But for now, as you are still adjusting to new motherhood, you aren’t quite ready to leave him alone with anyone other than your husband. Let her know you can’t say for certain when you’ll be ready to leave him with her but that, as soon as you reach that comfort level as a new mom, you will let her know and she will have the honor of being his very first babysitter. As long as she can understand that your feelings aren’t personal against/toward her, and that this is more about you finding comfort and confidence as a new mom, you minimize any defensiveness on her part and help create some space for a better relationship with her.
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All I can think of is if this is the LW that wrote in about being so uncomfortable with her husbands relationship with his sister.
Several things seem to add up.
The letter says that she has three sons.
As a mother who breastfed I wouldn’t leave my baby with her either. Formula is great is you want to use formula but it messes up breastfeeding if that is what you choose to do. Breastfeeding is a supply and demand type of thing so if the MIL starts feeding the baby formula the baby will breastfeed less and so the mother’s body will make less milk and that can become a crazy cycle where the baby needs formula because the mother’s body doesn’t make enough milk because the baby is drinking formula. If the MIL wants to babysit a lot then she will mess up breastfeeding.
Neither of my kids would take a pacifier. They spit them out immediately until I quit bothering to try. A pacifier doesn’t feel like a breast and some breastfed babies won’t accept them. How would your MIL know anything about whether your son was happy with your nipples. She sounds jealous and controlling and you have to set boundaries with her now. You are the mother and you decide, along with your husband, how your baby will be fed. Your MIL gets no say in it. It is a totally different thing than give him candy after he is on solid foods, but again, it would need to be candy that wasn’t a choking hazard. She will have to understand that times have changed and that there is a consensus that some things are not good for babies and small children. Honey is out before the age of one. Would it help if you could find medical advice online or get a brochure from a doctor outlining why honey is considered bad for infants and would she disregard that information?
The bottom line is that you are the parent and she isn’t and if she is insulting and rude to you she will have to realize that she will see less of her grandson. There is probably a very good reason why all three of her sons have distanced themselves from her and you are seeing that reason right now. She is controlling, domineering, and insulting. Allow her into your son’s life on your conditions.
Very well said
WWS. One note: please stand firm on the honey issue. Babies under one year of age CAN get botulism from honey. It’s potentially deadly if not caught early, and the treatment for it is expensive and tedious. I’ve seen several babies at the hospital where I work who got botulism from honey because their parents didn’t believe the medical advice regarding honey. Not everything doctors say is equally important, but the no honey rule is very significant.
While maybe the things the MIL wants to do are tame in the long run, the thing that would worry me is the lack of respect of the MIL for the opinions of the mother. The parents of the child should call the shots… and while sometimes something a grandparent does might not be always the explicit preference or pre-approved by a parent, complete and utter ignoring or defiance of a rule is not cool. What if the child develops an allergy, but the grandparent doesn’t think it’s real (true story). Set precedent now, or else no alone time.
I think the LW should have her son speak to his mother and set rules. One way to ‘test’ her compliance it to invite her over while you are home so you can clean (with 2 hands!) Read a book or take nap. Once she completes these successfully maybe you will feel better about leaving her alone with your baby for an hour or two.
Also, pumping is your friend. . Allows baby to get experience with a bottlle, and detaches you for at least one feeding, and still gets baby essential mama’s milk. If you can get your MIL on board with respecting your parental boundaries, a few hours out can be a huge refresher.
I don’t think this is an issue about whether it is okay for a baby to have a pacifier, bottle, or formula. The LW has chosen a different method of parenting her infant and the MIL needs to respect that. To me, this goes beyond grandma giving a child a lollipop when mom doesn’t let him have lots of sugar. The LW is making hopefully educated decisions about what she feels is best for her child. Maybe in the future she will re-evaluate her decisions based on her needs and her child’s needs, but she should not have to do that to pacify her MIL. It is a trust issue. If you cannot trust your MIL to follow your parenting methods, it is understandable that you wouldn’t want to leave your child with her even if she was a way nicer person. I tend to feel that the person whose family it is raises the issue initially, so your husband should speak to his mother. He needs to have a conversation with her privately and if she continues to criticize you, he needs to speak up immediately. If that doesn’t work, you and he can discuss how you handle it forward. Preventing a grandparent from seeing their grandchild is a huge deal and a final step.
I dunno, I’m not a mom, but I see the MIL’s reaction as being at least partly due to her fears of being not needed, not useful, marginalized, left out. Especially since her sons seem to be drifting away. She was important in her son’s life, and then you came along, with your different ways of doing everything. And now she’s got a grandson (her first?), and she feels pushed away. None of her advice is being taken, it’s treated as antiquated.
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When she was growing up, I bet that grandmothers were VERY involved in their grandchildren’s lives. Mine were. They were my only babysitters. They taught me how they cooked, and how they gardened, and how to knit and crochet and sew and embroider. There weren’t all the worries about honey and formula and pacifiers back then, either. She might have been looking forward to the kind of relationship she had with her grandmother.
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I’m not blaming you, LW, not one bit. Her behavior is over the line. But you have two choices here – cut her out of your lives, or figure out how to manage her. And if she is feeling left out and un-valued, a little reassurance and inclusion might go a long way towards making things better between you. Don’t do things you’re uncomfortable with, but try to find ways to let her spend time with her grandson, and try to find some advice that you can take, and thank her for. Ask her questions about her own childhood, and how she raised your son.
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Or maybe she’s just a controlling witch, I don’t know. 🙂 But this is at least something you can try.
I’m not a mom, so I don’t know that I could necessary give advice to this letter. But, I would be curious to hear advice from those living in Europe (or really outside the US?). It sounds like the LW isn’t from Spain, and I’m wondering if some of the MIL insistence to watch the baby are cultural?
I know I have seen with friends/co-workers from other countries a heavy involvement from the grandparents the first few months up to a year in taking care of the baby. If this is similar in Spanish culture, then maybe it is just a cultural mis-understanding.
Either way, I think the LW should still sit down with the MIL (and her husband whom she should talk with first so they are a united front) and talk about involvement. Like someone said above, maybe telling the MIL that in the future she would love the help, but right now she is enjoying this time together with her new son.
My husband is from Europe, not Spain but England. My MIL has never been insulting of my parenting. She had a basic respect for the mother child bond and knew that the parents are the parents.
I think part of it is cultural and part is this specific MIL and her approach to the LW. She sounds like a bully.
I agree – I don’t think her comments are appropriate. Maybe the critical comments (which it sounds like started even before she became a new mom) also need to be addressed. I was speaking only from the desire to want to watch the new baby.
I didn’t have the luxury to be picky. I was back at work 6 weeks after my son was born. I am fortunate enough to have my MIL and my mom as my son’s caregivers. My MIL’s style is WAY different than mine. In the beginning when I had an issue with something I would bring it up to my husband and if it was something we felt strongly about he would bring it up. His mom=his problem. My mom=my problem. You have to pick your battles. Not everything is worth it in the long run. Unless his parents are abusive, or doing something to put the baby in danger it is best to let them bond with their grandbaby. Having someone watch your baby for a couple of hours (or in my case 20 hours a week) will not significantly change how your baby and you bond or how you chose to parent. It’s a learning curve for everyone (your MIL included). My MIL did cut my son’s hair without permission and I was furious, but now 10 haircuts later I can laugh about it.
Your baby, your rules. Period. If you set boundaries, she’ll fall in line. This is her grandchild and she needs to be in your life. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with her bullying. I would be civil and respectful to her and demand the same from her.
I don’t have too much to add. I really liked Wendy’s response. But I feel for you, letter writer! Some grandmas have very strong cultural-based expectations that daughter/ in-laws should be highly reverent and respectful in listening to grandma’s unsolicited opinions. That’s what they had to put up with when they were mothers. And they probably feel they did okay if you went on to marry their son. Modern mothers usually have a very strong expectation of being fully in charge and having their authority 100 % respected. Moms now feel strongly they should no longer have to stay sweet and be submissive or pretend to care about the advice of other women in the family.
My thoughts are you are being about as sensitive as a lot of new mother’s I’ve known. You have the same uncertainty about being protective as a lot of new mothers I’ve known. If you don’t want to leave your baby, then don’t. Things will get easier because in time you will see for yourself how resilent and adaptable babies can be. The longer you parent and see good results, usually the confident more you feel (and then a new phase starts :)). You will be less terrified of making mistakes after you make a few and everything is still okay. So the stakes won’t feel as high. But, my guess is that if you continue to harbor resentment towards MIL it won’t just go away on its own. If it were me I’d make my husband talk to her, I’d let him know that all the advice and judgment wasn’t working for me. I’d tell him he needed to run interference with his mom. Basically, her harassment/loving advice would be primarily his problem to buffer and shut down. There may come a time when grandmas advice doesn’t feel so intrusive and you are very grateful to get some time with your husband. In the mean time, kindly deflect and try not to let insecurity eat at you. You sound like you are doing very well with your new baby. Congratulations.
LW, I know where you are coming from. I had a good relationship with my MIL before my daughter was born. But once I had my daughter, I couldn’t stand my MIL. She did little things here and there that just really got under my skin, but honestly my dislike is probably a little overblown. I think it’s hormones and maybe just feeling protective of my kid. I do know that a lot of my friends have described going through the same thing. Luckily, my MIL lives very far away and we only visit twice a year. In your situation, just try to ignore the comments as best you can, and maybe let her come over and watch the baby while you are home. I too felt a lot of pressure from friends and family to get out of the house and leave my baby, but in those first few weeks and months I had zero desire to leave her. People need to understand that you and your baby are a package deal.
I think that Ani Nani said it best. This is a trust issue. I really hope that your MIL can earn your trust, because once your baby is a little older there are times that you will absolutely need and want someone to watch your kid. Good luck to you and enjoy these early weeks and months with your baby.
This sounds a lot like cultural and generational differences. Taken from that perspective I think one of the best ways to handle this mom, especially in Spain is to have the song speak with her directly on how the couple wants to parent and set that boundary early on.
Also don’t discount your MIL completely—you are only 5 weeks in to this parenting thing–my guess is by 6 months, 8, 1.5 years old you are going to be very grateful you have someone so close willing to help out with any and everything baby-care related.
LW, your baby, your rules. I think Wendy is spot on in saying that your husband needs to have a talk with his mother about her behavior. Some of this may be cultural, and she probably means well, but telling you she will go against your express wishes, and outright insulting you, is not ok. I think it would be helpful for you to start shutting down conversations with her when they veer into hurtful words or being a broken record. When she says your nipples are too small, or anything else about your body, you say “Mother in law, it hurts me when you say that about my body. My body brought your amazing grandchild into this world. I don’t want to hear negative talk about my body anymore “. If she continues, then you cut the visit/phone call/whatever short. You say “I’ve asked not to have this conversation with you anymore, thank you so much for stopping by/the phone call/whatever, but it’s time for me to be alone. I’ll see you another day”. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The next time she insists you let her watch the baby, say exactly what Wendy suggests. Then, when she inevitably asks again, say “I’ve already had this conversation with you. Nothing has changed.”, then bring up another topic.
I also think it’s ok if you stop feeling that it’s your responsibility to involve your mother in law in your lives. It’s taxing you and making you resent her. Maybe invite her over or do things with her, make phone calls, whatever, about half as often as you are now. Ask your husband to step up and spend some time with her. Having some space will make it easier to be around her when you do see her. When you do see her, ask her advice on some small baby matters. Even if you don’t take it, she will love being asked. Praise her for the things she does well and how loving a grandmother she is. And, again, when she’s rude, insulting, or insistent just shut the conversation down and cut the visit short, she will learn quickly not to say those things anymore.
I’m obviously not mature enough to be married or have a baby, because my first reaction to your MIL criticizing your nipples is “My son is doing just fine with my nipples, and YOUR son is more than satisfied by them”.
I may be wrong, but it might help to consider that MIL’s suggestions of leaving the baby while the DIL takes some TLC be motivated by affection and sympathy for the DIL, rather than just ignoring boundaries. I don’t have a baby, but basically 24/7 with an infant for 5 week straight (it seems like dad works full time, but DIL is at home with the baby for the time being), in a country that is not her own, seems a little intense, and a few regular breaks may actually do the DIL some good.
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Yes, the MIL’s comment suck. And i have no idea why MIL would basically say “please leave your child with me, I promise i will disregard your child-rearing choices” , as it seems especially ineffective, in addition to being rude and inappropriate. But the repeated suggestions might not be “not letting up”, but rather, reiterating that she is willing to take on a fairly important and significant duty of babysitting the infant. If I saw my sister running herself ragged with a new baby, I would repeat that I would happily babysit every time I saw her, because her refusal might be because she doesn’t want to inconvenience me, or be a bother, or “it’s not that big of deal, I’ll shower and sleep eventually”, or she thinks she needs to be supermom and that good moms never leave their children with anyone other than a parent. I would repeat my offer basically until she took it, or I saw that she was taking time for herself, just not leaving the baby with me. So, the MIL might see a little better than the LW that the LW is running herself ragged trying to be the perfect exclusively breastfeeding, non-pacifier-using organic supermom, and the MIL might be trying (unsuccessfully) to get the DIL to give herself a break.
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And notice: the LW says that the MIL has said she’ll give the baby a pacifier, but the LW is scared that she’ll also give the baby a bottle — the MIL hasn’t threatened that. I’m not sure that that is as valid of a fear — I might give a baby I’m watching a toy or blanket or pacifier without asking the parents, but I wouldn’t like, buy formula, and bottles and sanitizer, and follow the directions and give it to the kid — it’s just so much work and so weird to do against express wishes. I could see that the LW might be scared that the MIL is like, a loose canon who doesn’t care what the LW wants, but that’s just so… involved, it seems unlikely that the MIL would undertake it.
I liked Wendy’s response. I know there’s a lot of debate above about whether a baby should get used to a bottle or not, whether the LW should leave her baby with someone else, etc. My thoughts are that it can be an evolving process. A mother who chooses to exclusively breastfeed may find that it’s not realistic that she’ll never go anywhere without the baby or something may come up, like getting the flu or having to be on some sort of medication. Certainly, it’s every woman’s choice, but it’s helpful to be aware of the alternatives that Wendy talked about because a person can’t predict whether their parenting decisions are going to stay unchanged for a whole year.
I disagree about letting MIL give a bottle or pacifier for the “positive effects on the family”. An exclusive breastfeeding mother has every right to remain just that for as long as she and her baby want; the only other person who deserves ANY input on this is Dad, but NOBODY else. Although any method that works to feed a baby is great, for the mom who wanted to and is able to exclusively breastfeed, any other option usually feels inferior, and being pushed into it by your MIL is wrong. As a previous commenter mentioned, it can also mess up your feeds. As far as babysitting a 5-week-old… no way! Especially when she refuses to go by Mom’s rules. My LO is almost 17 months, still breastfeeding, and has never been babysat for more than about 10 minutes. I realize that’s not for everyone, or even possible for everyone, but it is ideal for us and I will not be pressured to change those things before my family is ready (and believe me, my MIL is trying!).
Wendy, another beautiful response. Such compassion for the place the LW finds herself in, encouragement to find hope for the longer term, and some practical advice to ease the situation right now.
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What Wendy said is all very nice but I really don’t think it will help with this kind of person. She has constrained relationships with 3 sons already. She’s not going to change because you’re nice to her. In fact, you’ve tried being nice and including her and catering to her and it has not worked. Instead she has upped her negativity to put more pressure on you.
I’d nip this in the bud myself. The very next time she said she’d give him a pacifier when I’m not around or talk about honey or whatever, I’d say, then you will never be alone with him since you’re saying I cannot trust you. We’ve talked about these things and I’ve explained why I don’t want you to do them. I’ve told you honey can give botulism to children before their first birthday and you don’t care. I have to be able to trust anyone who will be alone with my child and you are telling me that I cannot trust you. I believe you. As to the personal comments about your body, I’d shut that down, too, by telling her that every such future comment will be another reason for you to keep that negativity away from your child. Good luck and congratulations on the birth of your precious baby.