“My Online friend Cancelled Our Plans to Meet up in Person”
We got together just once about a year ago when I drove up to see her. We never talk on the phone at all. Whenever I’ve called her, she hasn’t picked up. I’ve come up with my family to her town for two holiday breaks, and each time I suggested we get together she’s always has some excuse. If I didn’t know her through our childhood history or the one meeting we had, I’d swear I’m in some sort of catfish situation since she never wants to talk by phone or meet in real life. I am now feeling like I’m being used as some sort of online diary. I don’t feel like we have a real friendship where I can count on her, even though she knows some of my deepest feelings and intimate secrets.
After this last time where she cancelled on our plans to meet, I blocked her on social media. My question to you is – did I cut her off too soon? I know I will miss writing with her, but I also don’t like feeling like I’m someone’s online journal when what I want is a real friendship. Was I right to break up with her? — Not and Online Diary
If you aren’t getting what you want from the friendship, it makes sense to quit investing in it. I’m not sure, though, how smart it is to block her on social media — sort of a digital “fuck you” — when this person knows intimate details of your marriage, your kids, your family, your business, and your finances — all written in your own words that she could potentially share with others if she were the type of person to say “fuck you” back and try to hurt you. Why not just quit replying to her, or put her on whatever mode of “silent” or “hide” is available on the various social platforms you have used to stay connected with her, without blocking her?
There are lots of ways you can disengage from someone without being passive-aggressive or offensive about it. You could even pull up your big-girl panties and shoot her a message that says, “I was hurt after you cancelled of our plans recently. At this point in my life, I want to invest more in offline relationships, so should you ever make it to my area and want to meet up in person, you know how to get ahold of me! Take care for now and I wish you all the best.”
I understand that your feelings are hurt, but this just doesn’t seem like a case of burning a bridge when it’s easy enough to be kind while still respecting your own boundaries.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
People. We are in our forties. For the love of all things sacred (whatever that may be for you) USE YOUR WORDS.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
I’ve had a few friendships like this in my life, one with an old friend who’d moved far away, one with a stranger I met in an online forum, one with an acquaintance I met and clicked with at a conference. All happened when we were going through somewhat similar life circumstances and didn’t have a lot of close in-person friends we felt comfortable sharing all these intimate details with. All eventually mutually fizzled when our lives changed and we didn’t need each other so much anymore. I think part of what made them work was the physical distance. It’s easier to share your most private worries and complain about your husband’s bedroom habits when you never have to look them in the eye, and neither does anyone in your “real” life. Also, a lot of people are shy or socially anxious in person and feel more like their real selves online.
My suggestion is to unblock your friend and tell her the truth — that your feelings got hurt when she didn’t want to meet up, but you want to give her a chance to explain what’s going on with her. I feel very sure it’s not about her not caring about you as a friend. She spends hours a day analyzing your problems! She cares about you and honestly probably feels shocked and incredibly wounded by your sudden departure.
Why not just talk to her? Let her know that you value her as a friend but are choosing to invest more in offline friendships and to let you know if she’s ever free to meet up. Why be a jerk and ghost her – you have no idea what’s going on with her if you don’t ask.
I have had some relationships that were either all online, or all on the phone, and I really wanted those relationships to stay exactly the way they were. The partial anonymity was working for me and I also thought it was working for the other person. I knew everything would change if we suddenly became shopping buddies, or if we met each other’s friends and families. I had other friends for that.
So, I made excuses when the opportunity to meet presented itself.
It wasn’t about not valuing or respecting the other person. It was about valuing and respecting the other person and our relationship in the exact form in which it had been playing out.
She didn’t want to meet up with you because you’re married and she didn’t want to have an affair with a married man. Period.
She just didn’t want to come out and tell you that.
You were having an emotional affair, she was too, and that’s all she wanted to have.
You dodged a bullet.
You and your wife need marriage counseling, because intimacy is missing in your marriage.
If you don’t want to do that, seek counseling for yourself. Because if you don’t address this, it’s just a matter of time before you DO have a physical affair.