“My Parents Control My Life”
I am constantly stunned by the amount of letters I receive from people in their early 20s who are still living their lives by their parents’ rules. Is it a generational thing? A cultural thing? An economical thing? Are young people afraid of growing up these days? Are people afraid of making their own decisions and having no one else to blame if things go wrong? Are we, as a society, so disconnected from each other that we live in constant fear of upsetting the few people — like our parents — that we can count on to always be there for us? I don’t know. But one thing I do know, NALGA, is that at 22, you’re old enough to make decisions for yourself and deal with whatever consequences may stem from those decisions. And that includes the decision to disobey your parents.
But before you disobey them, you should probably move out of their home. After all, if you live under their roof — even if you are contributing to the rent and bills — they do have some right to set the rules. But if you live in your own place, YOU set your own rules. YOU decide whether and with whom to go on vacation. And you know what’s even better than that? Marriage will no longer serve as the ticket out of your parents’ house, which means that if and when you ever decide to get married, you’ll be more likely to do so for the right reasons and not just because you can no longer stand being stifled and controlled by mom and dad. Why, you might even get married because YOU’RE READY TO. What a novel concept.
And, look, I’m not so naive to think that your moving out of your parents home won’t cause a major rift with them. It probably will. But you’re their daughter and I’m sure they love you and if they want you in their lives, they’ll get over it. What is a worse fate: dealing with your parents’ hurt feelings, or living under their control and being indefinitely forbidden to live the adult life you deserve to live? If it’s the latter, you know what you need to do. And the sooner you move out, my dear, and show your parents you’re a grown woman with a mind of her own and the capability of making decisions for herself, the better. Nothing’s going to change until you decide it’s time.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
All I have to say is I moved out at 19 because I couldn’t deal with my parents overbaring rules and now I’m 26, and my parents and I have a much much better relationship now.
Oh my GOD, meeeee too.
I couldn’t STAND my condescending and argumentative dad when I was in high school, but I went to college far away and never moved back home. Now, when I visit him a few times a year, he makes every effort to be pleasant because now, if I don’t like his attitude, I can leave! Our relationship is much, MUCH better now that he knows I am not a captive audience.
I do understand Wendy’s perspective, but for the LW, it could be incredibly challenging. My parents are quite similar to hers (though my mother is blessedly more liberal). I am 23, graduating from college this spring. And I have been through all of this with my father. Because, as for the LW’s parents, it is a religious thing for him, he really doesn’t see any healthy boundaries of control. Since he considers it a matter of “salvation or damnation,” anything goes. He also has the perspective that I am under “his protection” until I get married. Last year I threw down the gauntlet and went on a vacation to California with my boyfriend (admittedly lying about the fact that we shared a hotel room). My dad went a bit crazy about the whole thing, but ultimately survived. I do have the benefit of my mother’s support, though, something the LW lacks. But here’s the question I asked myself: when will the attempted control stop if I don’t end it myself? When I’m 25? 30? Married? Have kids? Life is too short to live it by someone else’s rules. I hope the LW has the courage to make her own way.
I have very similar parents to the LW. I did live with them until I got married at 22. I had a curfew and on more than one occasion lost my car when I was even 20. I wish I could go back and change several things about that time. I was attending college, working and didn’t have the money to move out on my own, even with friends or my now husband.
If the LW can afford to rent a studio apartment, or have an apartment with room mates, I would highly recommend it. It took a few years to repair my relationship with my parents, but there are things I still feel I have to hide from them because I don’t follow their beliefs and on more than one occasion I’ve gotten the “I’ll pray for you” speech.
I still get the “pray for you” speech. I decided that I’d rather have my parents feel they needed to pray for me than to live my life in a way they felt they wouldn’t need to do so.
However, my parents are devout but mainstream Catholics, so their “religious conservatism” pales compared to many conservatives.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who knows what that speech is and what it entails. I have developed the same approach. It seems the older my mother gets, the more she finds to pray for me about.
My parents are Republican, devout Christians (mostly conservative Wesleyan beliefs) who believe if the church doors are open, they need to be there. I was forced to attend church with them every Sunday, Wednesday and revival service available. When I was about 19, I was TIRED of the fakeness and politics that attending church involves. I started attending another “church”…ie, I’d leave the house before them and go to my bf’s house. I think they knew, but they wanted to pretend right along with me. My Dad is the more liberal one of my two parents. He isn’t as judgmental about my life, he’s just happy to spend time with me.
Awww… My grandma, uncle and his wife all give me the “I’ll pray for you” speech, followed by the “You’re going to hell if you don’t repent and change your ways” speech. Sometimes, they give me the “holy trinity” and throw in the “you need to start bringing your kids to church so they won’t go to hell with you” speech.
So far, I’ve managed to get banned from Christmas and Easter family get togethers. I’m working on Thanksgiving.
“I am constantly stunned by the amount of letters I receive from people in their early 20s who are still living their lives by their parents’ rules. ”
Me too! You’re a grown up, you say you support yourself. Move out and do whatever the fuck you want!
I just had to thumb you up for the use of the F word !
Me too!!!! =) The ” F ” word kinda drives the point home=)
I like how you guys say “the F word” and not fuck! hahah
I think it’s presumptuous to assume they don’t fuck.
I have to disagree with this just for the pure reason that although she “supports” herself, she is a full time student and college has become RIDICULOUSLY expensive over the last few years. Since she still lives at home, I’m betting the car she drives belongs to her parents, she’s probably still on her parent’s health insurance, and most importantly, probably not paying rent. For many, many people, it’s just not feasible to move out of your parent’s house without sacrificing your education by working more hours or living in a crappy dorm full of freshmen.
crappy dorm full of freshman > her parents
My dorm did have people who sang Disney songs obnoxiously down the hall while twirling, who rode their scooters through the halls, who burned popcorn in the microwave and set off the fire alarm at 3 a.m. It was also filled with kids from different religions, cultures and classes. People sat on the couch and either talked about dirty jokes or the existence of God. These same people still left their dishes unwashed in the sink.
Point being, it was an interesting cross-section of people like me who were also figuring out how to do everything for themselves while sometimes messing up. I think the parents of the LW are doing her a disservice by not letting her experience that.
I am in the same situation. My dad and brother want to control my life. I have pulled my hair in frustration I have hit myself constantly to try and figure out how much more perfect do they want me to be. Its some days I tell myself I hate you you are stupid. My mom wants me to have my freedom. I am twenty eight years old. I go and get piercings so that I can feel that adrenalin rush. I try hard to please them. I pay for the lights and car insurance. Its some days I want to cry myself to sleep. 🙁 it aggravates me. Help
She said that the reason she lives at home is because her parents “expect” her to be there until she marries, not because she can’t afford to move out.
It’s like it never occurred to her that she can leave _without_ her parents permission. What are they going to do her if she does? Ground her???
I’m sorry, but most people in their early 20s still live off their parents money or shelter. THATS why theyre afraid to go against their parents’ wishes. Not because they’re cowardly or babies, but because they don’t want to be cut off or cause confrontation.
LW, I feel for you. Only my mom is controlling, my dad let me do whatever I wanted. He also fought some of my fights. And I was lucky to go home away for college.
My advice is to tell your parents over and over again how responsible you are – you have a good job, and you are responsible enough to keep it. You get good grades, and you work hard to keep up your average. It would really help if you had some acquaintances that dropped out of high-school, or do drugs, or are pregnant, or in jail. Since you are a responsible person, I doubt any of your friends are like that though :). Anyway, tell your parents ad nauseam that you know how to stay out of trouble. And you also have proof – you don’t have any problems. If your parents are anything like my mom, they’ll tell you about people that are better than you. Don’t let them win that argument – again, say how similar you are to those other people. Your parents admire them, and if you are like them, they’ll start to see in you the same qualities they see in those other people.
Anyway, it will be a long process. Your parents need to let go of their need to ‘protect’ you. But you have to prove to them that you are capable of taking care of yourself without their assistance. And as long as you live with them, that will be hard to do.
The tables will turn, eventually. My mom is visiting me now, and guess what, she obeys my rules :). The rules only consist of ‘stop moving my stuff around, because I can’t find it’ and ‘don’t throw away any of my stuff without asking me’. But hey, it’s better than nothing :). (Also, ‘you can’t tell me what to wear’ and ‘I don’t know what time I’ll be home’, but I won those a long time ago 🙂 )
@LW: I understand that your parents are very conservative. I also understand that, as a full-time student and full-time worker, you barely have time to breathe, much less contemplate dealing with a major feud with your parents.
However… this is a problem that will get worse the longer it goes on. You’ve legally been an adult for almost half a decade. You’ve been dating your boyfriend for a third of that time. And yet, your parents feel it is their right to forbid you to even go on a short trip with him. They have no legal nor ethical right to do so, and they’re basing their control of you on morals that you are not in any way obligated to share. This argument isn’t even about sex or wild times… it’s about a trip with your boyfriend of a year and a half. The fact he “needs” to ask their permission implies an ownership they have over you which does not, legally, exist.
I agree with Wendy in that, under their roof, you have a moral if not legal responsibility to give weight to their rules. What this means to me is that you need to get out from under their roof. Perhaps you should wait until you graduate – surely that’s soon – and then accept a job not within commuting distance, or join the Peace Corps, or do something that both fits with your interests and provides a reasonable excuse to leave. Obviously, you don’t need to wait. You can move out now. You could join the circus or the army or the cast of MTV’s Real World. But, with parents such as yours, maybe it would be easier with an “excuse” – that’s up to you.
But your “excuse” should not ever be marriage. That is not something to do just so you can leave home. Regardless of your opinions on premarital sex, I don’t think you should ever agree to marry someone you can’t even go on a trip with… which you won’t be able to do as long as you live with them. Thus, staying with them essentially ensures you’ll be unhappy or make a potentially major life mistake to escape. It does nothing for you at all except, for now, allow you to save on rent and food, depending on your arrangements.
My advice, then, is like what it’d be to someone in a miserable marriage with a controlling spouse – get an account they don’t know about, save as much as you possibly can, find and arrange a place to move to once you have the funds, and move out, preferably when they’re not home. At the very least, remove anything essential to you before informing them of your opinion. I’m sorry you need to treat them like a controlling spouse, but that is essentially how they’re acting. The difference, of course, is that a spouse actually has some legal right to join into decisions with you. They don’t.
“But your “excuse” should not ever be marriage. That is not something to do just so you can leave home. ”
^THIS. +1 internets
I agree with everything you said, jsw. But I don’t think we should jump to the conclusion that this girl is going to get married just so she can move out. People have been living with their parents until marriage for centuries at least. Of course, this woman needs out of her parents’ house, but there’s no reason to assume she’s going to make a rash decision if she doesn’t move out.
Oh, I agree – I don’t think she’d do that. I was merely emphasizing that it’d be a bad thing to do so.
Likewise, you should never play ball in the house or run with scissors.
My parents were the same way. I simiply told my parents one day that I was leaving by the end of the month. My mom said to leave now. So I said okay, packed my bags, put them in the car and left. Not more than 2 minutes later she called asking where I was going and I said, maybe a friend’s house. She said I could come back until the end of the month. They did nothing for me though to help me move. I moved in with few friends and they just watched as I piled my stuff in my car and left. My mom came over a few times to complain about how gross the apt was but oh well. It didn’t stop her from calling me everyday. After 3 years we still talk like 3 times a day. I recently booked a trip with my bf in the Summer and she complains about it, doesn’t want me to go, but then accepted I was going and asked for all the details (where I’ll be, flight numbers, etc).
Omg sarolabelle, aren’t you like 29?? And your mom still doesn’t want you to go on a trip with your boyfriend?? Jeez!!
Yep! Crazy, I know. But she does survive in the end.
“she does survive in the end” yeah I think that’s the exact point you need to be clear with your mother about (that is, if you even want your relationship with her to change at all). You will both go on living if you take a trip with your boyfriend.
Do you like her calling three times a day? Just wondering if you are okay with her “involvement” with your life
she hardly asks about me when I call. She calls 3 times a day to talk about her day.
oh I mean when she calls. Or I. Pretty much anytime we talk that is. It’s not about me.
My mom doesn’t want me to travel _at all_.
Did I mention I am 33, divorced, left ‘home’ way over 10 years ago?
Parents. 😉
I’m replying to my own message because I forgot to say….
I was asked to go to Las Vegas last year for a conference at work. My mom flipped out crying. Told me that it isn’t safe there and I shouldn’t go out of my hotel. She knew as she was telling me this that I am an adult, I own my own house and I pretty much was going to do what I wanted to do so I said “yeah, okay, okay” over and over. And eventually she couldn’t bear the thought of me going there alone so we talked about it and eventually we decided that she should come with me. So there the first night in Vegas, 28 years old, with all my coworkers, their husbands and wives at dinner at Paris Buffet with…my mom! Hahaha!
It’s funny now but seriously, I have no idea how this looked to my coworkers. Did I look like a baby bringing along their mom to a business trip? Maybe. But overall at the end of the day I remember the trip as a good time spent with my Mom. Not my coworkers. My coworkers ignored me almost the whole time and left me at the conference the last day.
Vegas is not to be missed though. I think you should go to the trip. You have absolutely no reason to ask for their permission to go. You say the day you are leaving, “I’m going, we have the tickets. Bye” Write them a note if you have to and leave it on the counter. They can’t force you to stay and they can do nothing if you already left.
crap….I just remembered I’m 29. Boo. 🙁
“It’s funny now but seriously, I have no idea how this looked to my coworkers. Did I look like a baby bringing along their mom to a business trip? Maybe. But overall at the end of the day I remember the trip as a good time spent with my Mom. Not my coworkers. My coworkers ignored me almost the whole time and left me at the conference the last day. ”
Honestly? Yeah, it probably looked REALLY absurd to your coworkers. I’m only 25 and if anyone around my age brought their mother to a work conference I would think it was incredibly bizarre. That’s great that you had a good time with your mom – but you were there for WORK and to be with coworkers, presumably. They ignored you because you had your mother with you, and that put them in an uncomfortable position. It’s probably hard to believe I’m not trying to pick on you, but that sounds like an extremely odd move to make, professionally. I would have not gone before I took my mom.
On the other hand, the co-workers had spouses/SOs with them, so it’s not like it was just sarolabelle and her mom with a bunch of co-workers. I agree it likely seemed a bit unusual to them, but not as odd as if it was only people from her company… and her mom. I suspect they would have acted in the same way had she not brought her mother.
I view bringing an SO along VERY different than bringing a parent along. Especially a mom that cried and cried about her very much grown daughter going to Vegas alone.
Her mom totally just wanted a trip to Vegas. 😉
We actually have a few people at our office that sometimes brings parents or siblings to out of state conferences. I just recently went to Austin and tried to convince my mom to come with me (she’s not overbearing or anything like that, I just enjoy hanging out with her) and she wouldn’t come because she’s going on a cruise with my aunt and needed to save her vacation time.
And on another note to LW – I moved out when I was 16. Now, I live in the same house again with my mom, but the tables are turned a little – I rented the house first and she moved in with me (we split the rent evenly, etc so its not like its “my house”). We have an awesome relationship now. Sometimes you just have to stand up to your parents.
I agree with Wendy in the sense that you need to make sure you can land on your feet if you go against your parents. You never want to bite the hand that feeds you. You need to SHOW your parents you are an adult. Living on your own, supporting yourself, etc may instill the confidence they need to feel comfortable with you making other adult decisions. If, on the other hand, you are unable to do that at this stage in your life, then you may want to tread carefully. If they are supporting you and providing a place to live when you are unable to do so on your own, then it would be disrespectful to so blatantly disobey their rules like that. You need to establish yourself as an adult to start being treated like one. They will likely stand by their “wait until marriage” mindset, but you need to be able to discuss the issue with them so they understand where you’re coming from. Being on your feet in other areas of your life will only give your argument more credibility.
You’re right. When it’s your house you get to make the rules and if you don’t like the rules then you need to get your own place.
I moved out when I was 19. My mom and I were fighting a lot. And she was so mad that I was going… She kept saying that I wasn’t ready, that I wasn’t mature enough. But, I calmly told her I was leaving. I found some room mates, looked for a place, put down my share of first and last month’s rent, and gave my mom the moving date.
It took until the week I was supposed to move for my mom to finally get it, that I was really going. And she helped me move. But, it was about another 6 months until my mom and I really became friends again. Our parents have loved us and protected us and nurtured us our entire lives, from when we were small and helpless. We have to be understanding that it’s hard for them to let us go.
But ultimately, we have to do what’s right for us. Like Wendy said, our parents love us. And they’ll forgive us. LW, just do what you gotta do and your parents will come around (hopefully).
I agree with Wendy and the commenters above – No one is saying it will be an easy journey, but if you want them to stop controlling your life, you need to be 100% independent of them. I understand that if your parents are THAT staunchly religious and conservative, they could potentially cut you out of their lives. We grow up wanting to please our parents, and wanting them to be proud of us – and it’s monumentally difficult to make a decision that would go directly AGAINST that, and perhaps tear a rift forever.
However, I think you need to sit them down and tell them the truth. While you respect and love them unconditionally, you do not see the world nor your situation the same way they do. And while it’s been an extremely difficult decision, you have decided that you would like to venture out into the world as a real, independent adult. Emphasize that it’s only with independence that you can learn to be a person separate from them.
One of the hardest things about adulthood is learning that you don’t always have to please your parents, and slowly realizing that YOU need to be the one to decide what’s best for yourself, not them. I wish you all the best, LW!
My parents are strict Christians too.. and I love them for it. But I did move out when I was 18 because if I had not… I might be in the LW’s situation. You do have to move out and begin your independence from your parents. It may upset and hurt them but in the long run… your relationship with them will be better….
Good Luck to you and I look forward to this update!
I don’t think you should go on the trip. I don’t think that short-term rebellion is the answer. I think that you should work on getting out from under their thumbs now if you can afford it, or after you graduate and start working. I do NOT think you should wait until marriage to leave. That mindset will cause you to get married younger than you might like. It may also cause you to overlook fundamental differences between you and your boyfriend to try to make any marriage work. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but you need a clear head to make those decisions.
As the other commentors pointed out, your parents will most likely forgive you eventually for moving out. They will forgive you sooner rather than later if you appear to be living the kind of life they’d approve of, except for living away from them. When you live away from them, how much you choose to tell them is at your discretion. You can re-define your relationship as you go at that point. If you choose to take a stand and tell them about things like vacations, then good for you. If you choose to avoid worrying them because the relationship is still tenuous, I could see the benefits of that too. I have very protective/strict parents too and I hate to tell you this, but it really doesn’t ever get better until you take back the control, make your own choices, and let them know that if they want a relationship with you, it will be on mutually beneficial terms.
I don’t see going on the trip as “short-term rebellion.” Maybe she just wants to do what lots of people in their twenties do, live life.
I’m with WE on this one. Her main goal should be financial independence, and blowing money on trips won’t bring her any closer to that. It’s disheartening, but it’s also EXACTLY what Suze Orman would say.
People first, then money, then things, then TOTALLY RAD JACKETS!!!
I think you’re taking the term rebellion as I used it to have judgmental implications. But objectively speaking she’d be rebelling against her parents’ wishes. I don’t mean to imply that she shouldn’t want to go on the trip.
I really wonder if moving out is an option at all. I’m guessing that every cent she earns goes into tuition and bills. And even if she found a situation with multiple roommates in a tiny house, she’s still likely to be putting out more into rent, utilities, etc than she can afford spare.
I think part of this syndrome that we’re all stunned by, IS caused by the economy as Wendy notes, and the fact that young people are living far longer with their parents than previous generations. And whether cause or effect, the overly intrusive “helicopter parent” seems to come with the program. I’m truly sympathetic but I wonder if she’s going to have to work harder at negotiating the terms of her “rental agreement” until she’s finished school and finally has the means to go it on her own…
Exactly this. She definitely needs to be careful when pushing for compromise with her parents (although I agree, she absolutely should!) – she may not have the option to move out. What is equitable and what is are often two very different things, and while yes, the LW is an adult and is able to make her own decisions from a legal stance, it seems like she’s still very dependant on her parents as far as a living situation is concerned.
It all depends on her means. =/
If I were her and still in school for even another year, I would take out a small loan to cover the cost of living on my own. For someone that works full time, I don’t think a 5-10k loan or line of credit to cover any shortfalls is that much to pay back when she’s essectially buying her freedom for some of the best years of her life. I have a feeling her parents may still be claiming her as a dependant on their tax returns, but if they’re not she should be able to qualify for fiancial assistance with tuition or on campus housing, if applicable.
I’m sure it’s just my personality versus the LW, but I would do just about anything to get out of that house.
I might be the odd one out here, but my belief is “My house, my rules” for adult children living at home. It sucks that some parents aren’t very understanding about modern dating, or drinking, or just staying out until 2 a.m. But unless you’re paying rent, buying your own food and helping with utilities, you’re being supported and under the care of your parents. It really, really sucks, but unless you have another option (moving in with a friend, SO, relative) you need to respect that parents have a final say on the goings-on of their home-life.
That said, I think the LW should explain the situation to the parents. Will she be sharing a room with other girls or her boyfriend? Are the other people Christian? (Lame, yes, but I know that would make a difference to people who are religious.) Can the parents meet the other friends or even the friends’/boyfriend’s parents? The most you can do is try to have them understand you plan on respecting yourself and your religion while having fun.
I do agree with ‘my house my rules’ but only to a point. I get if they don’t want her to have friends over all the time. I get if they don’t want anyone drinking in their house, or her boyfriend to sleep over, or for her to come home at 3am every night. But actually having a curfew at 22 is not okay in my book. Asking permission to date? No way. I clearly did not grow up in an environment like this, but at 22 i certainly did not ask my parents for permission to go on a trip. As an adult, I made my own plans. I’m sorry but at some point she needs to stand up for herself unless she enjoys being treated like a child (which, who knows, maybe she does)
While in principle I understand the concept “my house my rules,” I think that it is inappropriate to push it to that degree. Particularly because she is still having to live under her parents’ roof because she is making a GOOD decision: going to college. I start medical school this fall, and therefore have not yet achieved financial independence. But I have discussed with my parents that my lack of financial independence should not count heavily against me, because it reflects the mature decision to pursue a professional degree.
Oy, I don’t even believe in “my house, my rules” for before you’re 18! Your parents shouldn’t have to give you money for specific things they disagree with (for instance if it had been the case that the LW wanted her parents to pay for the Vegas trip rather than just allow it). Or if they don’t want her doing specific things IN the house, etc. But just because you aren’t 100% percent financially independent doesn’t mean you aren’t your own person who shouldn’t be able to make their own decisions. Having such repressive rules (during college, which should be all kinds of experiences) really affects your life and I don’t think parents or anyone else should have the right to make so many decisions for you.
I am the mother of several adult children (19 to 24). My 19 year old daughter has moved back in with me temporarily until she moves into her apartment. She does have a curfew during the work week, not because I want to control her, but because the dogs bark like crazy when she comes in and it wakes us up. So she has two options, come home by 11 or don’t come home until morning. She has asked to live here, but to be honest, I don’t want her to. I love her dearly and I love getting along with her, living together is not compatible with us getting along. I realize she lives her life in a way that I don’t always agree with. But it is HER life, not mine. As parents, it’s our job to raise our kids to be independent. That means making your own decisions and living with the consequences. My kids have had the benefit of being raised my two parents who have taken a lot of time to discuss the morals and values we believe are important (BTW, we have NO problem with premarital sex….you wouldn’t buy shoes without trying them on, would you?) This means that we have done our job. After the kids are 18, it’s up to them. They know I will always be here to help. No money for dinner, but all your bills are paid? Eat at my house, fine with me…..got a new tattoo and don’t have money for groceries? Come home to momma, I’ll take you to Wal-Mart and buy you ramen noodles, peanut butter and bread, but no dinner at my house. (see? actions, consequences…)
I agree with my “house, my rules”….I just make my rules tough enough that they don’t want to live here. The extended adolescence is for the birds!
Just as a side note – it is possible to work and go to school full time living on your own (at least in Ohio… don’t know cost of living everywhere) – but I don’t even think that’s the issue.
The LW is close with her family and it hurt that they don’t trust her. I know that in HS I went on camping trips and overnights and all kinds of things that the LW probably had to miss out on because of her parents. She did the right thing by asking and not making up some lie to go, and they still don’t give her credit for being a really good person. She is honest, open, and hard working yet she is treated like a baby.
I agree that moving out is definitely an option at this point, though it might cause a huge (maybe temporary) rift in your family. If possible I would try to talk to them without getting too emotional about how hard you’ve worked and how you feel that you deserve their trust and support. You haven’t let them down in the past and there’s nothing to indicate that you will on this trip. You know right from wrong. Tell them that you feel the only way you can experience things for yourself is by moving out, they might try to compromise with you from there.
baby.blanka, your comment is perfect !
Aw garsh (blushes)
I’m going to go against the tide a bit a say FINISH SCHOOL THEN MOVE OUT.
Right now you are at your parent’s mercy and they know it. You are an adult and you should be independent, but the healthier path to independence includes a college degree. Stop worrying about your boyfriend, your social life, your parents’ psychological problems and finish your degree. Also, while you are finishing your degree, save up your money, explore other housing options and figure out your exit strategy.
It does you no good to move out and sabotage your future because you can’t manage to pay for non-parental housing AND school at the same time, and having that degree is worth a little bit of inconvience. (And frankly, if you are in school, your priority should be school and not vacation time with your boyfriend anyway). Then, degree in hand, move out into the world knowing you are not going to be burdened by an excessive workload (school and work), nor unreasonable expenses (housing and tuition).
If you are 22 years old now, you likely don’t have that much more time until you are done. See if you can push up the time table with a summer class or two if you have more than a year.
“(And frankly, if you are in school, your priority should be school and not vacation time with your boyfriend anyway).”
Disagree. She’s 22 and has never been on a trip with a boyfriend, EVER. She 100% deserves a long weekend away. If taking one extra day off makes her school life crumble she has other problems, but she seems quite responsible enough to manage a day off.
I agree as an adult she SHOULD be able to go on a vacation if she wants to. But with this parent-child dynamic, going on the vacation she wants to go on is likely to result in parents kicking her out of the house or otherwise sabotaging her education. Her responsibility is to herself (and her future self) first.
But seriously, at 22, if she’s paying for college and paying rent, where is this magic vacation money coming from? A day trip with the boyfriend is one thing. A multi-day trip to Vegas is another. Finish school. If the boyfriend is worth it, he (and Vegas) will still be there when she is 23 and has her own apartment.
sidenote: a one-nighter in vegas isn’t that expensive– my boyfriend and i are doing one soon. if you’re within driving distance and sharing a room with multiple people (or go during the week), it’s a relatively affordable, quick, fun trip. i would like to think any 22 year old should be ALLOWED to go if they can reasonably afford it.
I don’t think going on a vacation once ever, and for a special occasion, conflicts with having school being your top priority. I am a college student and c’mon, if kids can play beer pong every night and get a degree I think this responsible girl can go on one short trip.
First of all, I completely agree with nawilla in that, if there is any question of a move threatening your degree (due to finances, emotional distress, etc.) then you absolutely should get the degree first. Surely, it’s close at hand.
Second, I agree with maynard in that school can be a priority without it meaning that the vacation would adversely affect it. Of course, the same caveats as above apply in that, if going will cause such an issue with the LW’s parents that her education would be affected, then the vacation should be sacrificed.
The degree is the main priority. It will arrive shortly. Then, with that permanently in place, the LW can exercise her rights as an adult in this society.
Consider reading the book “Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is a Christian based book on establishing healthy boundaries – it might offer a good perspective that your parents could also understand as you try to establish healthy boundaries for a relationship with your parents now that you are an adult. I think it would also help with other relationships as you go through life.
You’re 22! Go live your life! Get an apartment with a couple roommates, go to Vegas with your friends, and let your parents know that you’ll be making your own decisions from now on. Go out and experience life.
Ah, LW, I feel your pain a little bit. My parents aren’t very religious, but they’re strict (especially my dad) and I’m the oldest child (i.e. overprotected to the max). I moved away for school because I realized that I would be suffocated if I stayed at home and it was the *best* decision I have ever made for myself. I have a lot of debt, because when I told my parents I was moving my dad said “okay, well then we’re not giving you any money for school”. They eventually caved but they’ve given me maybe $2000 in 4.5 years of undergrad and I paid for the rest with student loans and summer/co-op jobs. And I recognize that $2000 is a lot more than some parents are willing or able to give and I’m lucky to even get that.
Beyond that, though, my parents still treat me like a child who’s not able to understand what’s best for me. When I started dating my now ex, we were long distance and I went to his city for a weekend to visit. I lied about it, because I didn’t have the energy to argue with them, and I also lied about how often he was visiting me initially. Then one day I realized how ridiculous this was, because I was 22 and lived in my own damn house, which I paid for with my own damn money. So there were a lot of fights, and lot of disappointment from my parents when I was more honest with them about my relationship, but eventually they got over it.
Whew, that got long. My advice to the LW would be that she needs to get out of the house ASAP, whether that means taking out a loan or finding some roommates. It’s time to start living as an adult, and she’s clearly not going to be able to do that in her parent’s house.
You live in their house, you have an obligation to obey their rules regardless of how crazy they may be. Don’t want to live the life they want you to? Move out. Don’t say that there is no way, there is always a way. There just may be no EASY way. Put your big girl panties on, live life the way you want to, and cut the umbilical cord already.
Do you really think that your parents are going to change their beliefs and morals just because you really want them to? Do you really think that they should?
My parents are conservative as well. I am not allowed to spend the night in the same room as my fiance at my parents house until we are married. I say spend the night because I moved out at 17 when I graduated high school. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it. There were times when I was eating pasta with my roommates butter on it because I couldn’t afford a jar of spaghetti sauce. I went hungry. It was worth it though because it made me the strong, independant woman that I am.
I don’t think she should expect them to change their beliefs and morals, but I do think it’s reasonable that they should not enforce them on her now that she’s an adult.
And if one of their rules is no moving out until marriage, then the justification of a “my house my rules” policy is gone. I can understand (though still disagree with) saying she has to follow their rules while choosing to live there and depend on them, but it’s not a choice in their eyes.
Learning to be independent from your parents can be one of the hardest lessons to learn and put into action, but I think it’s one of the most important of your early adult life. The LW needs to learn to communicate with her parents as an adult, if you’re asking for permission, then you are basically giving them permission to say no.
It’s going to take courage but the LW needs to sit her parents down and have a conversation about how she wants to move forward in her life and in their relationship. Set out the terms of the conversation before you begin, tell them that you would like to say your piece, and that you are happy for them to ask questions or express their opinion when you are done. It will help to write down your main points, that way if you get emotional or they start to argue you have something to refer to. I’d also recommend considering having someone there to support you, like your boyfriend. He doesn’t have to say anything, but just having someone to back you up can be a huge advantage.
Make sure you let them know how much you appreciate their love, support and concern. But tell them in no uncertain terms that you are an adult now, and would like to be treated as such – which you have shown you deserve by being so responsible, have examples prepared. Then tell them how you would like your arrangement to go – do you want to be able to stay out later? Suggest being able to let them know by a reasonable time if you’ll be back later than expected. Tell them you will be going on holiday – then ask how you can reassure their worries about it. Get anything else out in the open, always respectfully but strongly. Take your stand, be willing to compromise a little, but not too much! And stop asking for permission! You are a woman not a child and definitely deserve to be treated as such.
If your parents can’t accept this, then get yourself out of there as soon as you can. I know it’s not always financially an easy thing to do, but it will be so worth it in the long run.
I left home at 17, luckily on quite good terms with my parents, but for 2 years I felt like I still had to defer to them on the important things. In an attempt to impress my father, I went to Law school. I drove myself into the ground and into depression trying to please him, all because I didn’t have the balls to stand up to him. It wasn’t until my boyfriend encouraged me to stand up for myself that I could finally start living my own life. Now we can move forward together as friends, adults and equals with all his concern and support helping me instead of dragging me down.
So good luck LW, I hope you can learn to live your life for you, and move forward with an adult relationship with your parents. Or at least, get yourself the hell out of there.
My advice would be to talk with them about it and find out exactly what they are against. Is it going to Vegas in general? Going on a trip without parental supervision? If it were all girls would they still let you go? Once you find out the problem you can have some idea of how to respond, and you can tell them if you will or will not go without their permission. Remember, once you are over 18 they can not legally punish you. They can try to ground you but they can not make you listen. They may kick you out – so try to come up with a place you can stay if that happens. If they are not willing to talk about it, then the issues in your family are beyond religious involvement and extend to lack of communication/parental dominance.
If that is the case moving may be your best option. However, as a recent graduate who has been looking for work in this economy, I know times are hard. Not everybody has the ability to make ends meet. Fortunately, I was graced with amazing parents who have let me live my adult life how I want and fully support my decisions. They help me financially (when needed) but I live 300 miles away with my boyfriend. I have to wonder if LW has thought of living with her boyfriend. If he lives with his family maybe they would let her move in or if he lives on his own maybe she could move in with him. I moved in with mine against his parents wishes because we were long distance and that was not working with us anymore.
I do know that even when family is involved you have to take a stand. My mother and my boyfriend both have religious parents – so they moved out as soon as they were able. My family used to try to control my every move. When I lived with them and when I was more financially dependent on them. I listened to what they would say and eventually made my own decisions. Now they know that I am capable of making good choices and they do not doubt me, because I stood up for myself in a firm but loving way.
BTW- to those who think the parental involvement dies down when you move out, think again. My own parents call me multiple times a day and get very worried if I do not answer my phone. I moved to my boyfriends town and his parents live a few blocks away. They have accepted that I live with him but definitely do not approve of the situation, and it causes a lot of tension between us. It is hard on him and myself having such important people (yes, I love his family) wish that I was not here. The good thing ( but also bad thing) is that his family does not talk very much (they get together multiple times a week but do not really do deep talking) so he does not get complained to very often. We are just the elephant in the room and it is very uncomfortable. They will also ask close family friends (he and his father share some friends) about our situation and his extended family talks about how we are immoral behind our backs. All that said, it is totally worth it. I love my boyfriend and I love his family. We pay the bills and it is not their choice because we are both independent adults. I have lived here over 5 months now and things have gotten better, mainly because our relationship is so strong that his family does not doubt how much we love one another. My own family is very liberal and completely approves our relationship.
Honestly, I think you should go on the trip and face what the consequences are. Not to be defiant, but this will help you see how your boyfriend can step-up and help you show your family that you are an adult. Adult relationships need times like this so you can work together and learn about one another. You need to be able to spend a weekend together without your family getting in the way. I don’t think you should lie to your parents about where you are going, but that is always an option. I strongly doubt they will be mad at you forever, although I can say with 100% certainty they will lay the guilt on you thick when you get home. At best they will guilt you, at worst they will kick you out. And if they do kick you out that will most likely only last a few days, so be prepared for the worst, go and have fun. Live your life for you.
“My own parents call me multiple times a day and get very worried if I do not answer my phone. ” I had a friend (who was 23/24 at the time, living on her own and supporting herself) whose mother would call overandoverandover again in a row if she didn’t pick up the phone, and then she would finally answer, which I always told her was encouraging that ‘behavior’ from her mother.
(this isn’t directly to you, btw) I don’t see why you can’t say “listen, parents. I do not need to be checked in on multiple times a day. let’s at least cut it back to once a day and if for some reason I can’t get to the phone, more likely than not I am busy with something else, and I will call back when I’m available. Please trust this” and then move on. Nothing will change if you let them keep doing what they’re doing without speaking up to stop it. My friend, though, I think liked that her mom called so much despite outwardly complaining about it.
Oh yeah, and the analogy I gave my friend was this: I have dogs. Sometimes they bark when they want something, like extra food. They bark, and I say “no!” and they bark some more and I say “no!” and so on (like my friends mom calling, her not picking up, calling, not picking up.). Now, If after five or six times I say “ah, fuck it, he’s some more food you fatty!” what did they learn? All I have to do is keep barking and I’ll get what I want!
orrr… All I have to do is keep calling and she’ll pick up!
….”Now, If after five or six times I say “ah, fuck it, he’s some more food you fatty!” what did they learn? All I have to do is keep barking and I’ll get what I want! ” ….
Maynard you kill me, too bad we’re both not lesbians because I truly love you !!!
-T.O.M-
Well I *am* single now…!
I love the dog analogy!
But to answer your comment, I did have that conversation with my mom and she has really laid back on the calling so much… it is tons better. Sometimes she just gets over-excited. I will be the first to admit that I have a unique family- my parents are more like friends to me and have been for years.
I personally think moving in with her bf would be a bad idea. Moving in with someone should be a decision you make based on love and committment – not because you were trying to escape your parents house. Even if they DO think they could live together, I still think they might regret choosing to live together for the wrong reasons. Also, if going on a vacation upsets her parents this much, think about how crazy they would get if she moved in with him. If she’s looking to not cause too much of a rift, moving in with him probably isn’t the way to do it.
Thats very true… We moved in together knowing that we were committed but that we would not get the same experience living so far apart. It only took us few months to confirm that marriage was a definite in our future.
I agree that she should not move in with him if he/she is not ready or they are not committed. But I think if they are in a loving relationship (and who really knows from an on-line post) they should at least discuss the option. Personally, I think family problems are a reason to move and if he is on her own he should at least be willing to house her for a few weeks while she looks for a place. Of course he may live at home or in a dorm where that is not possible. Who really knows what will happen in any relationship? I know people who got together for very wrong reasons married within 2 months and have been happily married for over 30 years. I also know people who dated for 10 years very happily got married and divorced a year later.
I’ve always been a risk-taker with relationships… just how I was raised.
I disagree with you. I think that just doing whatever she wants, despite what her parents say, isn’t showing them that she is an adult, its showing that she’s is too immature to put other peoples desires before her own. That is her obligation when she is financially dependant on them.
If I had someone living with me and not paying me rent and wanted to do drugs in my house because THEY don’t see it as a bad thing I would kick them the fuck out of my house for being so disrespectful. No one should be forced to have their personal morals shredded in their own home because the LW is an “adult” now. She needs to move out and then she can live according to her own morals.
She said she’s supporting herself. My guess would be once she’s done school she’ll be able to afford rent (if she isn’t now). Her parents won’t allow her to move out until she’s married. For all we know she might be paying rent.
If she’s paying rent then that is a different story. I’m assuming she isn’t because she didn’t say so and that would be an important thing to add. I think that if you aren’t paying your own rent then you aren’t supporting yourself no matter how much you are paying for your own clothes/car. Personally I think that once a person gets their own job (I was 15) they should be responsible for their own expenses. Its a really good way to learn how to manage money.
Working full time to pay for your college education isn’t the same as working part time to cover new clothes and a car. She said she is sustaining herself.
I agree with you that things like drugs should not be allowed in the house, and I also think she should not have sex in her parents house if she is having premarital sex. I was speaking about the one situation in the letter. Just want to clarify that!
I don’t think she should go to disobey her parents or rub it in their face and I don’t think she should give up all house rules. She stated in the letter they would not let her move out and that she pays for everything that is hers. It does not sound like its her choice to be there. I strongly believe her parents are holding her back by not letting her make decisions or do things like take a weekend trip. I know controlling parents like that and their children suffered because they did not learn or grow with their peers. One weekend away should not turn her into a maniac.
I assumed based on the letter that she was not out having wild crazy monkey sex and that she was not doing heroin on the streets every night and that she tried very hard to seek out the approval of her family. She sounded like a nice young girl with typical controlling parents. I may be wrong.
“wild crazy monkey sex” – lol! 😀
“…showing that she’s is too immature to put other peoples desires before her own.”
How come the LW is immature for her desires before her parents’, but her parents aren’t immature for putting their own desires before their daughter’s? And I don’t think their thinking is that she has obligations because of financial dependence if they don’t even want her to move out until marriage.
And I think drugs are a different case because if someone in your house wants drugs there that could get you in legal trouble. Requiring boys to ask permission to date her is just controlling.
I’m a 22 year-old college student with two jobs. I live at home with my parents, but otherwise take care of all my own expenses (food, car/gas, medical care, phone, my pets, etc.). I’m completely surprised that so many parents still want to be “raising” and controlling their “kids” at this age! My parents were happy when I turned 18 because it meant they didn’t have to spend their time and energy leading me around life anymore. The moment I turned 18, the only rules were to be considerate to the other members of the household. I let them know if I’m going to be gone for a weekend, and then I go. I’ve been taking trips with my boyfriend (as well as just sleeping over his house) for years. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have my parents trying to dictate what I can and cannot do at this point. Honestly? I’d rather live in a shoddy hovel and make my own rules than live in the comfort of my parents’ home but lose my autonomy and ability to control my own life.
I agree with everyone on here: do whatever it takes to move out of there. You don’t want to look back on your youth and feel bad about all the things you missed out on. You can never get these years back! At your age, you deserve the chance to lead your life the way you want and make the decisions that are best for you. Save your money and get out of there. Your parents will get over it eventually, especially when you prove to them what a responsible and independent woman you really are, as opposed to being their “little girl”.
What everyone else said.
Indeed you are not a little girl anymore. However, what your controlling parents have done is refused to allow you to develop the skills that adults must have, so in many important ways, you are like a little girl. I agree with Wendy that you should move out of their home, the sooner the better, and without using marriage as a means to escape. But without these grown-up skills that your parents have prevented you from developing, it will not be a simple thing to do. I recommend that you talk to a counselor at your school to find tools to help you navigate all of the “scary” aspects of adulthood, including finding a roommate if necessary, accumulating furnishings (eBay and second-hand stores are a great way to get started!), managing your own budget, assuring your access to transportation and applying for a lease.
So much of what you have said seems to come straight from the nineteenth century — there seems to be an assumption that as a woman you need the “protection” of your father until your husband assumes that role. Of course as a legal matter this is entirely wrong, but as a practical matter this sheltered existence is intentionally designed to keep you ignorant and dependent upon the men in your life, and to give them all of the power over decisions that you should rightly make for yourself. Yes, you might make some mistakes (everyone does!), but you cannot learn these valuable life lessons without the freedom to do so. I urge you to claim your independence with all due haste!
This x1000!! And, it’s a vicious cycle, because when you want to do something on your own it’s “well, you’re not mature/smart/responsible enough” and when you do something and make a mistake its “we told you you’re not mature/smart/responsible enough, that’s why we treat you this way”.
ughhhhhhh
I definitely agree with your second paragraph. But I don’t think she’s really that helpless if she’s managed to balance a full time job with being a full time student.
I’m also surprised about the number of college students and 20-somethings living with their parents these days. I know that for some of my friends who still with their parents, it was the only way they could afford to go to a private school, so I definitely think the economy has a huge part to do with it–rather than a generational thing.
Although in this LW’s case, it seems to be religion. But she must get out of that house, despite the consequences. As many people said, life is too short to follow someone else’s rules.
So I kind of feel bad that the LW is taking a lot of heat for not just moving out (which I agree she should do after finishing her degree.
I want to thank her though for not saying at the end of her letter- “Should I just get married right now?”
I completely agree!
Haha! I’m having deja vu from yesterday! I can see it now…”Wendy, I’m 22 and my parents won’t let me move out until I’m married. The only thing I can think to do is just get married.”
I think of it more like… she asked how she could make her parents understand/change the way they treat her and the answer is – she probably can’t, but she can change some other circumstances and move out
In the last 10-15 years, parents have not wanted to grow old. Because of that, they have not allowed their children to grow up. Parents aren’t teaching their kids the skills they need to make it out in the real world. Laundry, cooking, balancing a checkbook, budgeting, saving money, time management, etc. Mommy and Daddy do it all and bail the kids out at the slightest hint of trouble. In return, the adult-children are expected to continue to live under Mommy and Daddy’s rule and in some cases, still at home. Somehow, by staying at home, under the parents’ thumb, it supposedly keeps them from aging.
As we know – it doesn’t. It just creates ill-prepared adults who can’t take care of themselves and end up being dependent on their enabling parents.
My younger sister is a classic example of this. My mom didn’t want to be considered “old”. I made her a grandma two days before her 38th birthday. That was untenable for her. So, my little sister suffered. She was not taught how to cook, do laundry, or any of the other things a functioning adult would need to know how to do in order to live on their own. She could not live on her own. She couldn’t work anywhere for longer than 2 weeks because she had been catered to her entire life and felt that after two weeks somewhere, she should be management and when they didn’t give her a management position, she would quit. At 23 she had a baby and she cannot take care of the child. She was living with my mother and my mother took care of the baby until my sister and the father went to Texas. The other grandmother now “helps” with the baby instead.
The LW needs to break the parental chains imprisoning her in her parents’ house. She needs to move out and start acting like a real adult. Only then will she be able to not follow her parents’ outdated rules. Although, I have to wonder if she will be able to break the conditioning of following those rules since she has been doing it for 22 years.
I agree- so many people forget that the purpose of raising a child is to create a functional adult- not to get your own personal needs for love and fulfillment met.
WatersEdge, I would give you a gazillion thumbs up if I could!
While I totally agree with you about your mom’s treatment of your sister, I can understand why becoming a grandmother at 37 would freak her out! Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I mean, like, my mom was 36 when I was born. It could feel weird.
LW, I’ve been there and I know how hard it is. While it’s difficult to be independent and make your own choices, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
My parents were over-protective for a lot of years, and I still kind of resent them for it. I do think they held me back in a lot of ways. I didn’t have the kind of experiences that a lot of young people have in college and high school. I didn’t take as many risks as I should have. I didn’t have the kind of independence I wanted. One of the best things I ever did was get my own apartment six months after I finished undergrad.
About two years ago, I went on a vacation with my then-boyfriend-now-fiance. My religious parents (especially my dad) FREAKED when I told them. I even admitted (when asked) that we were sharing a hotel room. Yes, they also asked me the “are you having sex with him” question. I told them it was none of their damn business, and I hope that’s what you told your parents too. Whatever you believe about pre-marital sex, when you’re 22, it isn’t your parents’ right to demand such personal information from you.
Eventually, my parents did get over the whole thing. With time, they’ve come to understand that I’m going to make my own decisions and they have to respect that.
My point, in short, is that your parents need to respect you as an adult and learn to respect your boundaries. And the only way they’ll do that is if you put those boundaries in the place. Honestly, that will be difficult to do until you can move out. I don’t know if that’s an option for you, but if it isn’t, then start planning and saving for the day when you can make that move. Good luck! You sound like a strong, smart girl! I’m sure your parents will realize that in the long run, if it takes a while.
One more thing… It’s really, really hard to lose your parents’ approval. But it’s worth it if it means gaining independence and self-confidence.
The religious aspect of the letter writer’s situation makes her efforts to gain independence much more difficult. Her parents are probably part of the patriarchial movement which believes that the husband is lord, master and priest of his household. As long as she is not married, her father probably believes he has the authority to control all of her choices even though she is now an adult. Her parents will also consider it their religious duty to keep her at home until she is married which they consider “protection” and the letter writer considers imprisonment. They will also require her to get their approval before marriage and may even want to choose a husband for her.
The religious fervor of her parents makes standard procedures such as talking with them and demonstrating her maturity ineffective because patriarchs believe that women should never become independent. The letter writer is very lucky that her parents have even allowed her to work outside the home, attend college and have a boyfriend because most patriarchs keep their daughters at home and forbid them to work, date or go to school.
The letter writer needs to have a lot of courage to achieve independence because of the very strong possibility that her parents will disown her when she moves out. Lest her parents forbid her to continue her studies, she needs to follow their rules while she focuses on graduating from college. This means not going on the trip, which I know is very unfair. I also had an intolerable situation at home while going to college and it was very hard to endure. I wish the letter writer good luck with her difficult situation and I want her to know that it will be worth it in the long run. When she graduates, she can move out and live the independent life she desires.
Very good points, Theresa.
It doesn’t sound like her situation is quite as extreme as you describe. I come from (what I think is) a background similar to hers, and my parents were fine with allowing me to work, go to school, and even date a little. They certainly weren’t going to choose a husband for me. But they did think I was “under their protection” at the age of 22 and that they still had the right to “parent” me.
Over all, I agree with your point. She really needs to work towards graduating and saving money to live independently. At that point, finances won’t be such an issue if her parents do disown her.
Bwahahaha. The acronym is Nalga. Shake your nalgas, woman – time to move out and establish your own life.
Haha, I thought about that, too 🙂
I fully admit to being juvenile. 😉
FWIW, I lived at home my first year and a half of college, then moved into the dorms, then moved in with my folks when I started my masters program, moved out briefly, and moved back in to finish the program because that was the cheapest solution, and then moved out for good when I was 26. So yeah, I lived at home longer – but I was paying rent to my parents, paid my own bills, my tuition, car, etc. I worked like crazy leading up to before my senior year of college (I only quit halfway through that year because I had to buckle down on my thesis) and through my masters program. My mom and I have a cool relationship. My dad is more strict – when my boyfriend, my roommate, and I decided to move into one apartment together to save on rent, everyone thought Dad would blow a gasket even though I’m going to be 30 – but because I have always shown myself to be responsible, he’s been happy for me. Plus, he knew if he did pitch a fit, I’d do it anyway and it would strain our relationship. Yes, I obeyed their rules while I still lived in their home, but the rules were calibrated for the fact that I was 26.
In my case, however, there were still rules because I have a sister who is 8 years younger. LW does not seem to have said if she is an only child or not, but her parents could also be considering the “example” she would be setting for younger siblings. So part of my parents’ house rules were there for that reason, and LW could have the same situation at her home.
Also, does anybody else on here read/listen to Dan Savage? He takes a pretty hard-line and controversial stance with crazy/overbearing/crazy religious/anti-gay parents, but I think his advice is sound. He basically says “if you’re financially dependent on your parents, then, yeah, you’re kind of stuck following their rules. But if you’re independent, move out on your own and draw a line in the sand with your parents. Tell them that their B.S stops NOW and they can either respect the choices you have made or they can no longer be a part of your life”.
The only thing with this is, that if this is what they LW chooses to do, she has to be prepared for the worst case scenario, which is that her parents choose to not be a part of her life. and that would be really, really hard.
22 and you’ve never broken the rules? Your parents have got off easy, and they still act like you’re some sex crazed drug fiend in disguise! A weekend in Vegas can be as raunchy – or as innocent – as you make it. LW, your parents are still treating you like a child because you let them. How many restrictions do they have on you? Have any of them lessened as you’ve grown up? At 18, they should have dropped most of them. I understand that they’re conservative and have different values, but if you let them get away with treating you like you’re 13, then they’re going to keep doing it. Moving out is the cleanest break possible from childhood to adulthood, but as a student its a luxury to get to save money for the future and not have the potential stress of being unemployed and needing to pay for school. I’d have a serious heart to heart with each parent separately. They’ve raised you to be an upstanding member of society – that isn’t going to change with a vodka cranberry in Nevada.
My parents (Mom especially) are conservative and oldfashioned. And while it was never entirely spelled out, per se, it was clear as day that if I had sex while in college that they would cut me loose and that would be the end of my college education. (I was going to school in the days when dinosaurs walked the earth, and if you hustled all summer, you could split the year’s bill with your mom.)
So, of course, I lied, and basically kept things as quiet as I could about my relationship (in retrospect, really wish I’d given that beast a pass anyway–he was a creep. Anyway.)
What did it teach me? Not a hell of a lot. What should it have taught my folks? That your kid will cling to an abusive relationship with fingers of death if they think it’s “totally forbidden”. Granted, I was one of those socially retarded folks who really shouldn’t have been allowed to date before the age of 30, but had my folks been more open to my dating, and talked with me about the people in question, I might not have spent six years being emotionally abused.
LW will make it through this, or not. But by totally strangling these relationships, her folks are going to first make sure she hangs on to anyone she can (in case she really needs that emergency marriage) and also eventually they’re going to completely lose their kid.
Seconded! I find it super ironic that many times, the harder people try to hold on, the more it makes the folks they’re clinging to want to leave.
My parents were neither conservative nor Christian, so I didn’t go through these sorts of issues. That doesn’t mean we didn’t butt heads, though. The thing is even when I was a very little girl I was really headstrong and I’ve always stood up for myself when I disagreed with them (or one of them- they’re divorced). It’s hard for me to imagine having gone so long without asserting any independence, but still, the earlier you do the better.
Finances may be a concern. You do work full time, though, so you have that going for you. Are your parents paying for tuition? Do you help with bills or pay them rent? Will your parents totally cut you off if you move out or otherwise disobey them? These will make a difference in trying to move out. But either way, you should be able to manage. Consider student loans. Since you have a full time job, I bet you wouldn’t even need a cosigner. My mom has not been able to help me with school costs, but I do live with her over breaks. (My school is out of state and requires you to live in dorms.) My dad on the other hand has never given me a penny for school. I am going on a combination of savings given to me by my late grandmother, financial aid, and student loans. My dad never contributed money to my college savings in my life, and hasn’t helped now that it’s used up, either. So if they are helping pay for school now and you are worried about losing that, know that you can probably get by without.
A lot of commenters were saying not to go on the Vegas trip if it will jeopardize your education. If that indeed would be case, I would have to agree, but I would think that wouldn’t happen. Is true that your parents are paying tuition AND that they would stop doing so if you disobeyed by going on the trip? If so then don’t go, but I would still pester them about it. But if those aren’t both true, I think it may be a good first time of pushing back. Moving out is probably going to be hard and make them angry no matter what, so there’s no reason it has to be the first thing you do against their wishes. Maybe slowly doing more things like that would force them to accept your independence and make moving out a less big deal.
And like Wendy said- definitely don’t look to marriage as your ticket out! Thought it sound like you were, but just in case.
I am 25 and still live with my parents (harharhar). I have been lucky enough, though, to have parents that treat me as a peer, and not as a child (of course, still as THEIR child, just not a child..if that makes sense). Which could possibly explain why I’m 25 and not running screaming for the hills.
The first thing I got from this is that you are still asking “Can I?” If you ask permission, and they say no, then you’re doing something they have blatantly told you they would disapprove of. So now what? You buy your ticket, and say “I got invited to Vegas, I bought my ticket, and it should be fun. I’m so excited.” Be casual about it. The more weight you put on things, the more serious and bigger of issues they seem. I had never taken a trip with a boyfriend until I was about 22 and my ex wanted me to go on a trip to see his friends. I bought my plane ticket and told my parents what I was doing. Was I nervous about what they would think? Yes. But I also knew it was my money and my decision, and that wasn’t going to ruin my relationship with them. And! It didn’t!
One thing to always remember is that making decisions your parents may not agree with does not need to be a sign of disrespect towards them, it’s a sign of you growing up and becoming your own person. If done correctly.
You just need to get over this fear of your parents. You are a self-sufficient 22-year old woman. Take hold of things you want to do, and hopefully your parents will surprise you.
Good luck!
Is it not normal to move out at 18 any more? I’m 26 and when I got into college at 17, I moved into the dorms with the help of loads of student loans and two jobs while in school. I moved far, far away, at that. It wasn’t just college for me; when my older brother graduated from high school at 18, he moved out, into a place with friends of the same age/lifestyle.
When did this become something that people don’t do? Many of my friends who are 24/23 and younger simply never did this. Never moved away. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it in the best of circumstances, but with a controlling situation like LW is in, I just can’t fathom!
Simple- the economy. A lot of college graduates either can’t find jobs in their field or they can’t find high enough paying jobs in their field. I had to move out because my job is over 300 miles from my parents’ house, but the salary differential barely covers my rent. And I put myself through college with the help of financial aid, loans, and a part-time job during the school year and a full-time summer job. I majored in a “high paying” field, but when the economy sucks, you’re kind of stuck taking whatever job in your field you can, even if it means barely making above minimum wage and struggling to make ends meet.
/end rant
RoyalEagle’s absolutely right. I’m out of the house and on my own thanks only to the high-demand major that my controlling dad forced me into (ironic!). My sister is stuck at home dealing with parental controlling and conservative moralizing because she’s unemployed. If she got a good job now in her field that paid enough for her to be financially independent, I’m sure she’d be out of there in a heartbeat.
I know people are saying that the economy is bad and college is expensive. But I think we act like many things that used to be luxuries are now needs. My family dealt with this issue. I got married at 25 and the first vacation I went on with my now husband was our honeymoon. But I never “Cut the pursestrings”. they paid for my car insurance and bills until I got married. So my husband and I dealt with my parents’ wishes. My younger sister isn’t ready to marry so young. She moved out on her own and she travels freely with her boyfriend. But they pay nothing for her and she sacrifices because of it. Both choices are acceptable, but stop complaining about freedom if they are still paying for meals and everything. If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. Otherwise, it is one trip out of many in your life so don’t stress too much if you miss it.
I know exactly how you feel. My parents are both religious/conservative, and controlling, and I lived with them all through college. I had to follow their rules as I was driving their car, living in their house and going to school with their money (though I did hold down a part-time job and contributed a little). However, as soon as I finished college, I felt that I had done what they expected of me and no longer felt obligated to conform to their standards. This doesn’t mean that they stopped treating me like a child though, which is why I decided to move out 3 months later as far as I could go. I signed up to teach English in Korea. Yes, that is how much I felt I needed to get away. They wanted to stop me, of course. There were fights where my dad would yell at me and tell me how damn stubborn I was, but I just consider myself strong-willed. Anyway, I left and it was the BEST thing I possibly could have done! Met my boyfriend there and got my much-needed independence! So, my advice would be to hang in there if you are financially dependent on your parents, and move out right after you graduate! You’ll be glad you did!
OMG… Wow. My parents were extremely controlling growing up and still *attempt to be today although I’m 31. luckily they weren’t of the religious variety (although my mom is super religious they never used that as an excuse as to why they were controlling me.)
My advice is this. Get yourself some therapy because how you were raised was not normal or healthy, at least it sounds like it. Having controlling parents seriously f*&ked me up in more ways than I ever imagined, and it really wasn’t until I was 30, single, unemployed and right off a string of dating the worst men possible that I ended up seeking therapy and realizing it was my parents’ over controlling ways and incessant demand for perfection that was partially to blame for a lot of bad dating decisions I’d made in my life. I had basically no self esteem because of it. I still deal with their sh&t occasionally. Recently when I told my mother I would not be joining her at church (keep in mind I AM 31 YEARS OLD) because I don’t agree whatsoever with her religious beliefs and actually find them quite offensive to the GLBT/Choice community -among others- she told me that the REAL reason I didn’t want to go to church was because I’m lazy. I’ve been working 80-100 hour weeks for the past 8 years, fighting for causes I believe in (um, like the freedom to choose and the rights of GLBT folks to marry). In short, my point is that, for me at least, when you assert that your beliefs may be different from you controlling parents, they may respond by “lashing out” at you, telling you that you’re going to hell or something like that. It will probably make them pretty angry. Just prepare yourself for the backlash it will cause, and surround yourself with a good support network that can support you in your choices to be yourself. You need to move out as soon as possible!
I’m 34 years old.I’m in love with a girl that’s moving back to Seattle. I want to go with her so bad.I know my parents will flip.I live in fla now, they freaked out 6 years ago when I moved to Chicago.my mom had so much anxiety and lost a ton of weight.after a year I had to move back because she was a mess. We are super close and I love her so much I just feel like I’m not living my life how I want to because of her.she thinks I don’t love her if I move away.when she was my age she moved from Ny to fla.why is it ok for her? Because she was married?!.this is so disturbing because at my age I can’t think of what I want.I know moving to Seattle would help me grow.I guess I’m just afraid me and my girl won’t workout and ill jst end up back in fl…then ill have to hearhear” told u so” .why am I 34 and still controlled??