“My Parents Gave My Sister 10K For Her Wedding, But Nothing for Mine”
I’m feeling confused, upset, and a little angry, to be honest. I’d understand if they couldn’t give us the full 10k, but to literally not even offer to pay for our lodging? It seems ridiculous! And since my parents aren’t giving us anything, I feel like they’re completely disengaging from our future marriage… which again, is disappointing.
To add more context: I’m also in grad school and only able to work part-time, and while my fiancé makes decent money, he also pays for most of our household expenses because I have such little income. We could probably pull off a small wedding, but the costs would be put on credit cards and stuff. I feel like part of my frustration is that we don’t have a lot of money, and the other part is the principle that my parents aren’t giving us anything.
How can I talk to my parents about this, without sounding like a snob or spoiled? How do I live with the consequences if they refuse to give us anything? — Unsupported Bride
Ok, so there are two issues here, as you suggested: First, the idea that your parents seem to be treating you so differently from your sister; and second, you can’t afford even “a small wedding” without putting all the costs on credit cards and it sounds like you’re actually throwing a bigger-than-small wedding with assorted travel costs and no good way to pay for these things.
Let’s address the deal with your parents first. It’s shitty that they would give your sister $10k and not offer you a penny. While you aren’t entitled to their money and they’re certainly allowed to spend it however they want, you ARE entitled to feeling hurt and confused and disappointed by the dramatic difference in the way they seem to be treating you and your sister. Before more resentment builds up, you need to talk to them about it. Unfortunately, your seeming dependence on the money they haven’t offered you to pay for the wedding you cannot afford muddies any argument you might make about this being more about your feelings and about your relationship with them than about the money itself. This is very much about the money — maybe even as much as it is about your feelings of being slighted — and it will be hard to separate the two when you talk to them, but you should try.
Obviously, the best way to frame a conversation around your feelings (instead of your need for $$), is to talk about… your feelings. Here’s a simple sample script you can use: “Mom and Dad, as I’ve been planning my wedding, I’m remembering that just two years ago when Janine was planning hers, you made a contribution toward her wedding costs that I know meant a lot to her. Now that I’m planning a wedding, I’ve been wondering if you would show support to me in the same way, and it hurts that it doesn’t look like you will. It makes me wonder what about me or my relationship or future marriage is different in your eyes to warrant the different level of support.”
In a script like this, you really are focusing on your feelings and on your desire for support from your parents. It isn’t necessarily about the money, but about the support the money represents. Once you deliver this kind of message, you need to let them talk and listen to what they say. You may not like what they have to say; it may further hurt your relationship with them than help it. And if that’s the case, you’ll have to decide how to navigate your relationship going forward. You may wish to not include them in a wedding or to have far less to do with them in the future, especially as you start your own family.
Regardless of whether your parents offer money to you for your wedding or not, I would urge you to throw a wedding you can better afford on your own than what you’re currently planning. You don’t want to have to beg for money or take money from someone who isn’t offering it up freely, and you don’t want to go into a lot of debt throwing what is essentially a big party. Don’t get married out of state where you have to pay travel and lodging costs. Get married close to home, somewhere free or cheap (a courthouse, a park, a loved one’s back yard), with a small group of family and friends (or maybe just the two of you!). You could have a courthouse wedding followed by a lunch for a group of 15-20 without breaking the bank, and that would be a totally appropriate option for two people who are living paycheck-to-paycheck. This is part of being an adult and also part of being married: you figure out financial stuff together, you plan things within your means, and you make longterm goals to motivate you to change your circumstances if you’re not satisfied with them currently. Going into a large amount of debt isn’t the best way to start a marriage.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
If you can’t afford the wedding you want- Start saving and wait until you can! Don’t put it on credit cards.
LW: I am speaking from experience. I am in the same situation as you. My younger brother and I were raised very differently. He was a sports star, like our father, I was artistic. He was going to be a great athlete, I was going to be a bum. The only expectation my parents had for me was that I would get married to a guy who wore a suit and have babies. I have done neither. As adults, my brother still gets preferential treatment. He has never learned how to save money and live within his means. He did go through some hard times, but learned nothing from them because he didn’t have to. Mom and Dad bail him out every time. He is the golden child. I recently saw the space shuttle down in LA and it was the coolest thing I have ever seen. When I tried to tell them about it, all they could talk about was my brother coming to visit. So what have I learned? To do without. Your parents’ money is theirs to spend any way they choose. I get how resentful and hurt you feel, but the only way to rise above it is to not depend on them. Plan a wedding you can afford without going into debt. If you want to live a certain type of life, do it on your own without relying on their help. You will be a stronger person for it.
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Why not just get married at “the courthouse” and then maybe in 2 years or 5 years or something have a nice party/reception. And when your parents say – Wait, why aren’t you…just tell ’em you don’t have the money.
That said it’d be great to have a convo with them and clear the air but if they’re like most people who get their BS pointed out they’ll probably just double down or blow it off or whatever. You have to just…let the past go sometimes, take it from someone who released herself from all the “whys” about her parents and their treatment, etc and just moved the fuck forward. Usually, no answer from people who feel free to transgress against you will really be satisfactory. I mean what can they say “because we liked her better”? LOL
I think it’s not so much about the reply, but about the question: forcing the parents to face the fact they’re hurting their child (with differential treatment, and not supporting her love and happiness).
It will be heart-breaking for the LW if that doesn’t wake them up. But at least she knows to concentrate on the people in her life who actually make her happy.
My grandparents treated their kids very unequally, and I saw what it did to my father. He always got nothing and his sister got everything, from attention to a considerable inheritance.
I’m really, really careful to treat all of my kids equally with time and money, sometimes to the point that I have to step back and chill. When they were little I literally had a spreadsheet with their holiday presents on it and I made sure I spent the exact same amount on each, within a few dollars.
When my daughter needed a car, I helped, and quietly worried that I wasn’t doing anything for her twin…who nicely told me to get a grip. Then two years later sister’s phone died and she got one for the holidays, while the others got much smaller presents, and when I mentioned my concern to the first child she said “remember when you helped me with the car? It’s all good.”
My point is that I’m a bit messed up and I’m two generations removed from it. My kids turned out pretty great, though.
LW: I’m curious if your parents actually offered your sister the money, or did she ask for it? You haven’t asked, so how do you know this same offer is not on the table for you? My sister got married two years before I did, and I know almost to the penny how much my mother gave her since my sister told me. My mom paid for her catering bill, and my sister showed me the bill. When I was planning my wedding, I put on my big girl pants early on and simply asked my mother if she was planning on contributing and how much that would be. Was I a little anxious bringing up this topic? Sure. Money is always a tricky conversation. She said yes, and she told me the sum she was prepared to give me. It was just under half of what she gave my sister, but she explained that she had given me more money over the years and it seemed fair. I really couldn’t argue with that, and I was happy with the explanation. But what would have been ridiculous was not bringing up the topic early on and getting upset with her if she didn’t offer it outright. I could have drawn all sorts of conclusions about favoritism and gotten all angry if I had not just asked. People are not mind readers. Maybe your parents think you have enough money. Maybe they think they owed it to your sister and not you for some reason. The thing is, you will never know these things unless you just ask.
And everyone is right. Don’t go into debt over a wedding. It is one day of your life and having money to support your actual marriage is more important. I’ve been to fancy weddings and low key weddings. The low key weddings always seemed to be more fun, and the couples were just as married on the day after regardless of the amount of money they spent.
Get real! A wedding is a one day event. You shouldn’t hock your future to pay for it. Why an out-of-town wedding? Why not just the small wedding you can afford without going into debt? Marriages from courthouse weddings last just as long as marriages from fancy weddings. If you want to be married, do an inexpensive wedding now.
LW, I am sorry that you feel like your parents play favorites with your sister. I don’t think you would be asking this question if you genuinely felt like your parents loved and emotionally supported you equally. (My mom gave me some money when I graduated college, but it never occurred to me until just now, 18 years later, to wonder whether/how much she gave to my brother. She didn’t give anything towards my wedding and I don’t actually know if she gave my brother anything either. But I’ve never felt like she didn’t love us both equally so I guess I never thought about whether the finances evened out either.) However, I wonder if your parents have perhaps contributed more to your education over the years than they did to your sister’s? You mention you’re in grad school – who’s paying for that? Also, consider the possibility that your parents are experiencing some financial difficulties that they’re just not discussing with you.
Definitely don’t put your wedding on credit cards! That sounds like a terrible way to start married life. Financial stability is the best wedding gift you can give to yourselves.
Yes, if the LW takes one thing out of this, definitely don’t go into debt for the wedding.
We live in precarious times. LWs partner may lose their current job out of the blue. Always squirrel away some savings when there is a chance.
I can understand the desire to make the wedding special. But you can do that closer to home. Find a new neighbourhood and plan the whole day there, from makeup to wedding night.
Let’s be real: the specialness is for the couple, it’s their day. The guests are happy just to celebrate them.
LW, With your financial situation sounding that precarious I’d take whatever money you may get from your parents and sock it away, forget the big wedding entirely.
My mom favored my sister over the rest of us. I very much understand favoritism. At the same time I need to ask if perhaps your parents have spent more money on you over the years and so felt that they owed your sister $10,000 and gave it for the wedding.
As a parent I’ve tried very hard to spend equal amounts on my kids. They are nine years apart in age and a boy and a girl. They have liked different things. My daughter did dance and theater and so drama classes and voice lessons. My son did very little, he took guitar lessons for about a year so we spent more on our daughter for that type of thing but we’ve given our son a car. The last time we bought a car we signed over our oldest car to our son. It’s hard to say how that all balances out. When our son moved into his own apartment I bought him almost everything he would need for a kitchen. He started with everything new. Our daughter is in her first year of college. Her college costs about the same as his did but she has gone abroad for school and we are paying to fly her home on breaks. At the same time, because he is 9 years older, he has made far more trips to Europe than she has.
Has your sister received all the same help you did, or more and still got money for a wedding or did you get more at some other point in life?
Sometimes it is very difficult to be exactly equal.
LW: only have the wedding that you can afford. I know plenty of wealthy people who did without the lavish weddings and receptions, and just get married at the courthouse and then had a celebratory meal with close family and friends at a posh restaurant. An expensive wedding is not a requirement to make a commitment to your intended spouse. I know that your feelings are hurt because your parents gave your sister money but you’re an adult now and this might be a lesson (a hard one, unfortunately) that you can’t rely on your parents to help you out in situations.
LW:
You need to sit down and speak with your parents. Do they know that you’d like them to contribute? Do they know how you and your partner are doing financially?
It might be that they are playing blatant favourites, or it might be something else; maybe they feel they’ve helped you more over the years. Maybe they think you’ve got this covered. Maybe they’ve fallen on slightly harder times. As others have said, sometimes parents struggle to balance what they have done for their kids.
But even if they end up being blatantly unfair, don’t finance a wedding on credit. Don’t try to compete with your sister. Have the wedding you can afford, and start your married life on a decent footing financially. It may not be fair, but this isn’t about being tit for tat, it’s about spending the restof your lives together.
LW: this is very unfair and, in my opinion, an obvious sign of disapproval. Do your parents disapprove for religious reasons, as you say, or does the whole project seem to them unreasonable (a destination wedding, during grad school while you are both with little incomes)? You should have a serious and respectful discussion with your parents, starting with Wendy’s script, and then negociate with them. If they disapprove the actual project’s details, can you find a compromise for them to support it? For example, not a destination wedding, or a wedding a bit later, when you will have got your degree? Could they offer at least your dress? This is (where I live) the tradition that parents offer the bride’s dress. Explain them the debts on the credit card’s option: they need to know the situation, for them to understand your point. They can’t agree with that option.
Anyway, I wouldn’t go on with the project as such without your parent’s financial help: this would be crazy and dumb. Why faking something that doesn’t exist? If they persist in their no-support choice, I would do a potluck or something very simple with the family where you live (in your parents’ yard or on a pic-nic area), and go to the destination only with a couple of very close friends (your bridesmaid and best man). I think your parents would be very embarrassed if it appears to the family that you have no money and they don’t help at all – hence the change of venues. You have room for a negociation by having several options, and also a reasonable solution that they should understand for the case they don’t support the wedding’s budget. You have the wedding to the extent that you can afford, or your families help you: going into debts for this is so avoidable! And don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. If you have paid a deposit, better to lose it than go on for more costs that you can’t afford.
Finally, if your parents don’t support you for religious reasons, or if they disapprove your fiance, or any judgemental approach, I would express that I find the situation very unfair, and I would take a huge step back, definitely not invite them to the destination thing.
LW, I would not give a lecture to your parents yet. I would sit down with them and ask them if they can contribute to your wedding and that you would really appreciate it. Then if they say no act very confused and say oh, I’m so confused because you contributed $10K to my sister’s wedding. See what they say. (PS – Perhaps before you do this ask your sister about it. Did she ask for the money? Does she know why they have not offered the same to you?) My dad and stepmom contributed a ton to my two stepsister’s weddings…I do not know the whole amount but over $10K each. When I got married they offered nothing and even said the $199 ticket was too expensive so they would not be coming. They pretty much suck.
LW: I think one of two things is going on. Either your parents cannot afford to pay the 10K or anything towards your wedding and are embarrassed to tell you that or they are being passive aggressive because they don’t like the idea the two of you lived together before marriage, or don’t want you to marry this guy. What does your sister have to say about it? Maybe speak with her? If you love your parents and otherwise have a good relationship with them I think it’s best to confront them directly in a kind way and ask them what is going on. It’s better to do that then carry around anger when this may just be a case of confusion or miscommunication. And yes as everyone said do not put the wedding on credit cards. Go to the courthouse and have a nice dinner afterwards.
I personally think we’re probably missing important context that tells us that it’s pointless to ask the parents because you on some level know they won’t give the money to you, you’re just in denial. I’m guessing either your sister is the golden child, they won’t support your marriage because you’re already living together “in sin” against their morals, they just don’t like him, or they don’t support you because you’re not religious (same goes for your fiance). I’ve known this type of person. If any of these things is true, I would think twice before talking to them about it and accept that they won’t give you the money. If you talk to them, you risk them assuming you’re just wanting their money and them thinking worse of you even if you accept now that they won’t give you money. In order to avoid the (unfortunately very valid) assumption it’s all about money you would have to talk to them about it after the wedding. Plan the wedding you can afford or wait to get married until you can afford the wedding that you want.
A few things –
1. If you can’t afford a wedding then either scale back or save up. If you’re grown enough to get married then you’re grown enough to pay your own way.
2. It does suck to have such a big disparity, though you aren’t owed anything.
3. Why not just ask? “Hey mom and dad, I remember when Sister got married you and dad contributed to their costs which was so generous and kind of you to do. We are trying to create a wedding budget, I was wondering if there was any intention to do the same with us.” It might be uncomfortable to bring it up but then you’ll know. I suspect you don’t want to know because if the answer is no then you’ll possibly change the way you feel about them or interact with them so putting your head in the sand is easier.