“I’m in College, But My Parents Treat Me Like a Baby”
Unfortunately, every time I want to go away with my boyfriend — even just on day trips — it’s always a big deal. At the same time, my brother, who is older by three years, is allowed to spend the night at his girlfriend’s house whenever he would like — he doesn’t even have to ask and never has had to.
Do you think that is just a gender difference? My parents’ main justification for the difference is the fact that my brother went to university and essentially lived “on his own” (without supervision) while I haven’t. Never mind that while he was in school, he was not working and didn’t pay a dime towards his tuition. Sometimes my parents tell me that they do not want grandkids any time soon, which they know damn well I don’t want for them either.
I do everything I possibly can to make my parents proud and be the least burden on them. — So done with trying
Yes, the difference between how your parents treat you and your brother probably does have something to do with gender. It probably also has something to do with you being younger — the “baby” of the family. It may have something to do with behavioral differences between you and your brother. It probably has something to do with you having never left home, so the distinction between teenage-you and grownup-you isn’t as clear. Oh, but wait. YOU STILL ARE A TEENAGER. And you still live at home. And your parents probably still pay most of your living expenses. So, as unfair as it may seem that you don’t get as much freedom as your brother, suck it up and deal with it.
Until you can afford to move out and live on your own, you have to put up with rules and restrictions of the people who pay your way. Sure, maybe it’s unfair, but trust me, this will be one of the easier examples of life being unfair that you’ll have to deal with in your lifetime. What’s more, you don’t say in your letter that your parents don’t let you go away with your boyfriend, only that it’s a “big deal.” You know what I say to that? BIG DEAL.
In a few years, you’ll have more freedom, and with it much, much more responsibility and a whole butt-load of stuff that’s way more unfair than having to ask permission to spend a day with your boyfriend. Life gets hard. Try to enjoy this transition period between adolescence and real adulthood while things are relatively easy and you are fostering more independence even if some of it isn’t happening as quickly as you’d like.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS.
Their house, their rules. It doesn’t matter why those rules exsist (gender, age, birth order, etc). Follow them or move out. Simple as that. (And my advice is follow them. I lived at home until I was 25 and had a curfew until 25. Was it annoying? Yes. Did I save a ton of money/stress by living at home? Yes.)
I had a curfew until I got married! Ha, Yea, the rules were less annoying than being on my own and broke.
I lived with my parents until 27. Curfew and all. I even had to pay $200 in rent every month. Good times!
Yes, this has something to do with your gender. It really sucks when you realize that your parents are sexist. But in their mind, if your brother impregnates someone yes he has responsibility but he’s not the one carrying the child. If you get accidentally pregnant? No guarantee that boyfriend sticks around and your parents will probably be supporting you as a single mother. I went through the same thing the summer after my freshman year of college. While I had a curfew and my mom didn’t want me to drive to my boyfriend’s house, my brother had girls sleep over while he was in high school. There were a ton of fights. But you know what my solution was? I never went home again for an extended period of time. I studied abroad or stayed in my college town and worked until I went to grad school. If you want freedom you’ll have to move out. I would just suck it up and deal with it. I’m with you on the menopause/hormones thing. My mom went through this when I was 15/16 and all of a sudden she was like “you never spend time with the family wahhhhh”.
I think the fact that they don’t want to be burdened raising a child is part of it. They see the empty nest on the horizon and they don’t want to lose that just because their daughter has a baby while in college and suddenly they are emotionally, physically and financially supporting a child. They know that is how it would work and they know they don’t want to go there.
It is unfair that they don’t worry about their son in the same way and shortsighted. We had a friend who had a son and a daughter and he always said that his daughter could date when he was dead but his son could do anything. I got tired of hearing that over and over and told him that was fine if he didn’t mind his first grandchild having an unmarried teen mother. Parents should care whether their son is making babies as a teenager. Parents should care as much about their son with someone else’s daughter as they do about their own daughter.
God, I hear this about menopause. My mom went from being reasonable and fun to OMG CRAZY – not all the time, but when she lost it she was out of control. I asked her what was going on, if maybe maybe maybe she thought she should get checked for menopause, and she was all, “I’M NOT MENOPAUSAL RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!” So I left it alone and figured it was none of my business, which it really wasn’t, and then a few years later, I made some reference that inferred I assumed she hadn’t hit menopause yet, and she laughed like I had just said the most moronic thing on earth and told me that had happened yeeeeeaaaaars ago. She definitely did the thing where she was kind of crazy when I was around, and when I cleared out because, you know, RUN AWAY, then I wasn’t spending enough time with her.
Also, the funny thing was, she still talks about how terrible her mother was during menopause – in the same ways. I’ve given Walter advance permission to drug me during menopause if I need it.
WWS.
I know it’s annoying, but you’ll (hopefully) look back one day and realize why it was for the best! I moved back home after grad school just after my 25th birthday, at which point I’d been on my own for 7 years. And guess what? Even at 25, I was putting up with expectations/rules I didn’t really like. (I didn’t have a boyfriend during that time/had just met my current boyfriend when I was in the process of moving back out, but I have parents who are religious and they would NOT have been okay with my having sleepovers with my boyfriend. Even at his place. Even in my mid-20s.) I stayed for over a year. I moved out a few months ago (I’m 26 now). Even though it was annoying, I would not have been able to pay over half of my student loan debt in a year (over $30K!). I would not have had several thousand dollars in savings tucked away when I moved out on my own. I was really, really lucky. If I’d been younger when I moved back in, I’d have stayed longer than I did. At 19, you have that luxury whereas someone my age needs to get her shit together ASAP to live like an adult already.
Just suck it up for now, LW. You should even try to enjoy it while it lasts. One day you’ll realize you’re better off for it in some way, shape, or form.
As you grow up, you realize that everything has a price. In this case the price for financial stability is dealing with your parent’s rules. If you don’t like that price, you can give up the financial stability for a mountain of student loan debt and more freedom.
Completely agree. Every choice has consequences. Don’t like the consequences? Choose differently. She may find her parents strict or even strict and biased but that is the parent’s prerogative. It’s her prerogative to stay or go.
WWS.
Even after I’d gone away to college, I still had to follow the rules when I went home to visit, and my parents gave me a hard time about going to see a boyfriend out of state when I was like 21 or 22, and I hadn’t lived at home for 2+ years. That’s just the way it is sometimes. Learn to deal with it.
It’s unclear to me how much your parents are restricting your possibilities to spend time with your bf. Do they not allow you to stay at his place over night at all? That would seem overly restrictive to me. But it seems like they generally allow you to spend time with him.
Lots of parents are really afraid their daughters might get pregnant. Maybe you could reduce that fear by telling them not just that you don’t want a child yet, but that you’re practicing a safe method of birth control.
Generally speaking, you will have more independence if you move away from your parents. Living under your parents’ roof comes with more supervision on their part almost automatically.
I don’t think that living with them/ being supported financially means that you can’t reason with them about their rules at all. Explain to them why that the things you want to do are safe and they needn’t be concerned. I don’t think it’s wrong to point out differential treatment based on gender either, sometimes people have a light bulb moment when it’s pointed out to them. This will only work if your parents aren’t proud sexists though. If they are traditionalists they might not feel this kind of discrimination is wrong.
Maybe she should get a little subtle revenge on her parents by sitting them down and explaining, in detail, what method of birth control she uses “so that they feel better.” 🙂
LOL. I was actually being serious! If I had a teen daughter that would make me feel better for sure. But I guess if the parents are conservative, that would backfire.
I think it would make me feel better, too. If I have a kid of either gender, that conversation will be had in DEPTH believe me. But then again, I wouldn’t be like these parents to begin with, and I probably still wouldn’t want to hear “And we use condoms even when we have anal!” or whatever, because… it’s still your kid 🙂 (Not that that’s birth control, but y’know what I mean.)
Oh My God
The trouble with parents is that they’ve lived long enough to see things like birth control fail. They’ve seen people be irresponsible with it. They’ve seen friends raising grandkids. They’ve seen teen mothers drop out of school and have a much more difficult life. Telling the parents that she uses a safe method of birth control probably won’t do a thing except make them more vigilant.
Parents protect daughters because they love them. They worry about daughters because a daughter’s life can be derailed by pregnancy. Parents also worry about daughters because they are afraid they could be attacked or raped so they want to limit the opportunity for that to happen. They know that someone could slip something into their daughter’s drink and then rape her and take pictures of her and put them on the internet. Most parents protect daughters more than sons and worry about daughters more than sons.
And, of course, that is *such* a great strategy to combat those problems…
But then the goal of the parents should be to teach to their daughter how to stay safe, no ? She won’t be living in their house, under their protection, all her life, so she need to learn how to stay safe by her own.
There are ways to have a healthy, almost risk free, sexual life as a young adult. Parents should inform themselves, and inform their kids (both gender !) about all forms of birth control. If I was a parent, and I knew my daughter had 1) access to condoms, knew how/when to use them, was comfortable with buying them herself and comfortable talking to her partner about it, 2) BC pills has her personal method to not be pregnant, no matter what her partner does, 3) regular check-up with her doctor 4) a good information sources about pregnancy/birth control/STIs that she reads regularly and take seriously, then I don’t think I should be worried. Or at least, not to a point I need to protect her.
If they worry about their daughter being attacked, they should put her in a self-defense class. They should teach her good practice when walking alone on the street at night. They should teach her that “no means no” even when she’s with her boyfriend, or someone she knows. They should teach her to never let her drink out of sight, to never accept a drink from someone else’s hands that the barmaid’s, and that she should always be with trusted friends, who won’t let her disappear with some guy.
Parents protecting their daughter will only do a minimal job. They need to get informed, and teach their daughter !
Eh, I think its fairly possible they could be doing both…protecting and informing.
Very true, and sheltering a teen excessively can actually have the effect of making them more vulnerable to dangers like teen pregnancy, because if they still get into a risky situation they’ll be less likely to deal with it in a good way. Better educate a daughter about birth control and allow her to go out/ have a bf than trying to keep her protected by forbidding her those things.
There is a huge difference between her going out on a date with a boyfriend and her spending the weekend away with a boyfriend. They may just be asking questions because they want to know where she will be and when she will be back so that if she doesn’t make it back they know where to start looking. That is what parents do. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want her to know anything about birth control. It doesn’t mean that they are forbidding her from using birth control.
Most of the parents I know want the world for their daughters. They want them to be able to live whatever dream they have, to pursue any career. They see their daughters as having unlimited opportunity as long as they stay in school. They especially don’t want that opportunity destroyed by a boy so parents warn their daughters about boys and sex and try to protect them from the worst outcomes. They do want their daughters to use birth control if they are sexually active but they also know that birth control can fail. They know that teen fathers rarely stick around to raise a child. They know that teen mothers usually drop out of school to take care of the child. They know that their daughter and her child are more likely to have a difficult life than if their daughter finishes school and then has children while in a committed relationship.
This is a big change from even the 1950s and 1960s when parents didn’t see a career as a possible future for their daughters and when many parents refused to pay for college for a daughter because they didn’t want to pay for an MRS degree. At that time they were protecting their daughters from the social stigma of being an unmarried mother. Today parents are protecting the future career and earning potential of their daughter.
LW, I know everybody is going to tell you some variation of “suck it up”, so I’ll come in here a little bit on your side. Yes—it does seem unfair (& gender-based) for your parents to have more relaxed rules for your brother. And it’s illogical that their justification is the fact that he went away for school, while you’re still at home (although Wendy’s right that this is probably due to the lack of “distinction between teenage-you and grownup-you”).
Also, my mom went through menopause when I was like 14, 15 years-old, so I get it. It was a painful time (hormonal teenage girl + hormonal perimenopausal mother= not a calm household). But there’s not much you can do, unfortunately—unless you revert into some early teen version of yourself & decide to “rebel” against all the rules. Not a good look for a college student!
So my advice is to just be patient. Follow the rules. Be responsible. And I imagine she’ll ease up over time.
I went through it with my mom too. It’s kind of funny looking back, because at the time I didn’t understand what either of us were going through. My mom became a lot sweeter after she was done going through the change of life. We get along really well now.
Yeah, it was definitely crazy. I think I remember understanding(?) but that didn’t make it easier to control when either of us were having a “moment”, haha.
I love Wendy’s response here. LW, life gets really unfair when you get older. I wish you could appreciate what you have now. You are so lucky to be in college, have parents who love you (and are doing the right thing by you), and a boyfriend you care about. I was away for the weekend visiting my college roommate and we talked about how we felt when we were your age.
Everything was so dramatic back then. We were both depressed at the time (mostly because we were away at college and homesick.) Relationships with guys felt so hard, school felt so hard, and we had no idea what the future held. But looking back on it we both know how much simpler our lives were back then, and how lucky we were. We both agreed we’d love to revisit that time in a heartbeat. Appreciate how simple your life is right now.
I went through the same thing. My brother also had girls sleeping over in high school and just ignored his curfew until everyone just pretended the curfew never existed in the first place… but even when I was 19 I had to be home by dark and had a million other rules and if I told my mom I wasn’t going out with a boy she’d freak out.
At age 19 I told my mom I was moving out, and she told me I was too young and wasn’t mature enough to handle it. But I found my own place, made all my own arrangements and left. She barely spoke to me for 6 months while she dealt with her “empty nest” issues.
Even when I was 22, had been living in another city for grad school and came home for the holidays, there was a big fight about me being allowed to have my boyfriend sleep over at the house during Christmas (again, even though my brother had been having random girls sleep over since he was 16).
It’s hard sometimes when your parents forget that you aren’t their little baby anymore. I’m 27 and my mom still calls to remind me to renew my driver’s license and other things I’m perfectly capable of remembering on my own. There’s pretty much nothing you can do except prove that you’re an adult by moving out and living independently. Until then, you just have to deal with your parents and be grateful that you’re getting financial help.
haha I love/hate when my mom texts me “did you pay your rent”. Hm….been paying my rent since I was 20, so yes I can remember that it’s the first of the month.
errrr… if I told my mom I WAS* going out with a boy… typing too fast
Gosh, you guys all sound like old farts. Back in my day, I had to walk uphill both ways! Just kidding (sorta). I agree with Wendy.
I don’t think parents who enforce sexism on their own kids deserve to say “My house, my rules.” I agree with Wendy that in the grand scheme of things, parents who put up a fuss about you going away with your boyfriend — but let you go anyway — are not a big deal, even if they didn’t put up a fuss about another sibling. But ugh, parents who treat their daughter’s sexuality like it’s shameful or dangerous, when their son is allowed to grow up on his own sans all the fuss? I think that’s a huge deal! You should stand up for yourself and insist on an honest conversation about this; maybe your parents could stand to learn a thing or two, too.
Also, though, maybe they put up a fuss because you let them? Instead of saying “Can I go away with my boyfriend,” just inform them that you’re going out of town. You are an adult. They can either let you go, or kick you out, you know? But they can’t *stop* you.
It could not be based on sexism. It could be that the LW is 19, going to community college, and never left the house and the sibling is 22, I beleive a college graduate and has lived on his own before. They are at pretty different life stages/maturity levels.
Oh, totally. Maybe she’s just the baby, maybe she’s really immature, whatever, but that’s why I suggested an honest conversation, to find out what their real reasons are for freaking out.
Ugh, thank you.
I completely agree, sexism isn’t ok coming from anyone-even parents.
I’ll also add, I don’t think parents deserve to do any of these behaviors because they can’t handle thier “little baby” is growing up either… In that situation, it’s the parents who really need to grow up. It’s sad to see how much parenting has deteriorated over past generations. But, such is life, I guess.
Your parents need to get a grip, LW, totally, but you can’t just make them. You can try, you can have discussions, you can do certain things, but ultimately, if your parents won’t let go you are going to have to make them. Which means moving out and doing everything on your own.
Parents have always worried about and protected their daughters. That isn’t anything new for this generation.
No, I was referencing the relatively new helicopter parent. That is particularly sad to see happening to people…
Being worried your teenaged daughter is going to get pregnant isn’t exactly helicopter parenting.
I never even mentioned that…?
I’m talking about thier parenting overall- very controlling of day to day activities. That’s, like, helicopter parenting 101.
Oh, just assumed you were talking about these parents and how they are protective of the LW.
So did I and I don’t see their parenting as helicopter parenting.
Yeah, I’d say it’s depressing that over-protecting girls HASN’T gone away for this generation. Especially since if parents raised their son with some amount of maturity/responsibility, his getting a girl pregnant could majorly derail his life as well.
LW, I did two years of community college before transferring. I lived at home, and nine years later I still shake my head every once in awhile about the fights that my mom and I would have about boundaries, “rules”, etc. I chafed at the feeling that my freedom was restricted, while I’m sure she was upset that I wasn’t showing proper respect for everything that she did for me.
And you know what? I’m staring 27 in the face. I’m less than 6 weeks away from my due date with our first child. The bills keep coming, and just yesterday I found myself thinking about how much easier I had it when I lived with my mom and everything was taken care of. I’m very happy with where I am right now but Wendy and the others are right – there is a price or trade-off for everything, and you may find yourself waxing nostalgic about things that now seem like such a “big deal”.
Sit down with your parents and have a calm (let me say that again – CALM) discussion in which you share your feelings and TRY TO UNDERSTAND where they’re coming from. Maybe their reasons are completely valid, or maybe they’re complete unfair, but if you can shift your perspective and focus on the benefits of your situation then perhaps the pitfalls will become less of a big deal in the long run.
Good luck and remember, it won’t last forever.
LW I’m the eldest, not the baby, and yet I am treated completely differently than my three brothers. It’s definitely a gender thing.
The downsides: I went away to university and am away at law school (just graduated!!!) and I have always had a job since I was 15. Despite that whenever I come home I have a curfew, I have to help with the dishes, I have to take care of my sister (she is much younger than the rest of us) etc.. My brothers do none of these things ever. Also when my boyfriends came and visited over the years they slept in a room that was on the other side of the house and were reminded by my dad that we have video surveillance in the house (we actually do). I was never allowed to go to parties in high school yet my brothers were allowed to throw parties at our house. I get the unfairness and how it sucks sometimes and I definitely got in arguments with my parents over it.
I just deal with it and I love coming home, even with all the rules for me. I think when you move out eventually you will see how nice coming home feels as opposed to living on your own. Someone does your laundry, cooks your meals (and they are always delicious), someone pays for awesome satellite with HBO. And who knows – maybe once you move out your parents will be much more lenient with you when you come back home anyways (like maybe it’s an age thing, or never having left the house thing). For now, just try and deal with it and save some money to move out if you want much more freedom.
Everyone else has covered the basics, so I’ll just add a couple more things. One, there’s a lot more to not getting a baby than just not wanting one. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you know how to prevent getting pregnant, but there are a lot of people who don’t want to get pregnant who do regardless, so it’s not irrational for your parents to be worried about that. When I lived with my parents the summer after freshman year of college, I wouldn’t have been allowed to stay the night at a boyfriend’s house, either, but that didn’t strike me as weird because I was in their home and I was also only 19. I also doubt I ever would have been allowed to do so as a college student of any age because there’s something about being in school that makes you seem (at least to your parents) like a kid more than an adult. Which sort of makes sense to me. Also, many parents are sexist in their rules, but your situation and your brother’s situation is completely different. If you choose to talk to your parents about this, I wouldn’t pull the “this is unfair” and “he gets to do it” cards because they’re going to think you’re a child.
Anyway, the other thing is that I assume you have, what, one more year of community college left? I know a year seems like a long time when you’re 19, but you’ll have many more years than that to do what you want.
I agree with everyone about “your parents’ house, their rules”, because really, if you want to continue living there rent free, it’s the only way to keep a peaceful relationship. I’m 22, still living with my parents (although moving out soon because of grad school), and we have a very good relationship. And, unlike ALL my other friends who chose to move out at 20 years old, I have lots of savings. So for grad school, the financial ride should actually be easy.
But that’s because I stayed at my parents’ house, I respected them and their rules, and we built a strong relationship as adults living under the same roof (and not only as parents-daughter). My advice would actually be to sit calmly with your parents (or just your mom, or just your dad, depending who you feel the most comfortable one), and discuss why they have certain rules you dislike them, and why you dislike them. And do that while there is no immediate plan for your to see your boyfriend or anything, to show you’re not about to “break” one of their rule. And then have those conversation regularly if things don’t improve.
If you show them you’re a mature young women, that understand the rules, and show she can be responsible, stay safe, and be respectful to them, life should be easier.
(By the way, the first time I asked if my boyfriend could come spend the night here, they couldn’t say no. Because I had proven how serious, prepared and responsible I was about all of this, I had talked to them about this months in advance. And they respected my judgement.)
I graduated college and moved home to help my mom who was doing poorly health wise. I worked, paid her bills, paid my bills, and am in a lot of debt for it. She attempted to lay down some laws, but my parents had always been pretty free with rules and regulations. I did not have a curfew once I turned 17, so they just kind of let it go.
However, LW, life is hard. Be very thankful your parents are helping you out to this degree. I am the example in this letter – life can be tough and throw curveballs. This way, hopefully, you won’t have any debt and can enter the work force with a clean slate.
Seriously, you are 19. Be responsible. Be thankful. You have an opportunity many would love to have – take it, and if it means not staying the night at your boyfriends house, that is what it means. In the end, is it really that big of a deal?
I used to to think that my parents treated my brother and me differently because he was a boy and I was a girl. For instance, his curfew for prom night was to be home in time for church the next day (which he wasn’t). Mine was midnight. However, as I’ve grown older, I realized that it wasn’t the boy/girl thing, but a matter of respect. I respected my parents’ wishes, and was home in time for curfew, so I had one. He didn’t care, was always home late, and got away with a lot. However, during those years, I had a much better relationship with our parents. It wasn’t until my brother was in his late 20s that he finally started getting along well with our folks. Of course, I’ve always been close to my family, because I respected their rules/boundaries, and I’ve never regretted it.
lol, I asked Peter to wrap a gift for his nephew a few weekends ago. I figured this was easy, since it was a box shape and we have a wrapping area in our home with plenty of wrap, tape, scissors, etc. Easy peasy, right? I didn’t ask to see it before we left for the party. It was wrapped in USED Christmas paper which he apparently ran out of and used USED colored on construction paper for the other half of the box. Of course, his mom thought it was the most adorable thing ever and ‘how sweet that he tried.’
WWS!
Still, I might add that there is a natural progression:
1) You live under their roof and are not financially independent – they make the rules and are in control
2) You live away, but are not financially independent – they make some rules and have some control
3) You live away and are financially independent – no one can make rules or have control
4) You live away, are financially independent, and have their grandkids – you make the rules and have control
I dunno, I kind of disagree here. Yes I do believe in “their rules, their house”, but if her parents are trying to control what she does outside of their house that’s not appropriate anymore. A rule about the boyfriend not spending the night? Okay, that’s reasonable. A rule or restriction on her going to spend the night at HIS place (or somewhere else that isn’t under the roof)? Not reasonable for a 19 year old.
Unfortunately I do agree there’s not a lot of room for her to maneuver here. I guess she could try to have an adult conversation with them, but I doubt they’d be receptive. I guess my suggestion is see if you can’t get a few more hours at work an move out sooner rather than later.
If your parents are willing to pay tuition and room/board, why did you stay at home with them instead of getting some freedom? My guess is your bf.
Start applying to universities now, get some distance from them, and learn how to take care of yourself.
If her parents are paying tuition and room and board then she really isn’t taking care of herself even if she is away from home.
So…I’m 25 and have already done the whole “live with the parents” thing…and I’m headed BACK to that in a couple weeks thanks to me resigning from my job (by choice, for my own happiness). I still have to follow their rules. I still tell them where I’m going. I still give them an estimate of when I’ll be home. When I was in high school it drove me crazy but now that I’m older I see that they were truly only trying to help me out. They’re more lax about things now since I’m obviously older and much much much wiser. But I found that after a few years of following their rules in high school they became much more understanding and let up on their rules a bit. And now my parents are more my friends because I’ve grown up and because they see me as a mature adult. But I do still put up with my dad’s incessant need to help and give me advice — it’s annoying but I know he does it because he cares.
I guess my point here is that they’re just helping you out. Yeah it sucks that their rules are more lax with your older brother but as Wendy pointed out, you’re still only 19. There’s PLENTY of time for doing whatever the hell you want later on in life. You’ll thank yourself later for saving money by living with your folks, guaranteed.
One of the benefits that there is for earning money and paying for a household is that you get to set the house rules. You will get that when you move out and you will enjoy it then. Right now though your parents pay and they get to set the rules.
I think I’m with a lot of the commenters, that “my house, my rules” has some validity, but it doesn’t mean that her parents should not be starting to treat her like the adult she is.
I struggled with my parents the first few years of college (luckily, I did go away to school, so it was only when I was home for breaks/ summer when it became an issue), and by the time i moved back home immediately after college, I think we had a pretty good arrangement.
I think you should start by having a frank discussion with your parents and talk about realistic expectations for both of you… Are they paying for everything? If so, start to pick up your own tab — cell phone, credit cards, car insurance, so they have less control overall (and will help you realize just how much you need to go out completely on your own). In addition, contribute to the household in adult ways — clean / do chores/ cover meals/ food occasionally, so they can’t say you are getting a ‘free ride”, and they start to appreciate having a younger pair of legs around to help with day to day stuff…it will be a better bargaining chip if they don’t easily compromise.
Also, as far as the boyfriend issue, try to get to your mom without your dad present. Dad’s tend to be way more overprotective of their little girls when guys are concerned — my mom did a lot of lobbying for me behind the scenes if I wanted to go somewhere or stay over my bf’s house. My dad never “liked/approved it”, but he started to deal with it, and just didn’t ask questions. Also, my bf was not allowed to sleep over at my parents house, and that was something that was annoying, but ultimately reasonable.
In summary, start acting more like an adult, and they will have no choice but to start treating you like an adult. And if all else fails, sorry, but you’ll have to weigh paying for an apartment on your own vs the absence of freedom for a few more years!! — good luck!
I agree that while in the house, she should abide by the rules of the house.
But trying to control what she does outside of the house is overstepping, unless it directly affects her parents (like they set a midnight curfew because her coming into the house late wakes them up or something).
I so want my kid to read this post. So i’ll not comment further! 🙂
I already gave my 2 cents, but I’ll just say: When I’m home visiting, my stepmom won’t let me use the kitchen without permission (unless I’m cooking or cleaning for her), so it could be worse.
Someone mentioned this further up, but a lot of the rules might not be because they are trying to control you, but because they are worried about you. I’m 22, I graduated last year and I’m working a full-time job and still living at home to save money. My parents still ask me my plans for the night and ask that I leave my bedroom light on until I get home because they worry when they wake up and can’t tell whether I’m home yet. They told me that when I was at school, it was easy not to worry since “out of sight, out of mind”, but now that they’re used to having me around, when I go on a trip or stay out late, they wake up to go to the bathroom, see that I’m not home yet and start fretting, can’t fall back asleep, etc etc. And because I don’t want them to worry, regardless of whether they are being a little irrational, I try to come home earlier and do little things that help them sleep at night.
I also think that you need to approach them more like an adult. I noticed that before I graduated, I would check with my parents, like “do you mind if I stay out late to go do X tonight”. Now I tell them, “I’m doing X, I’ll be back at Y.” I never made a big deal of it, but when I’m not asking permission I’m not really giving them a chance to say no. Don’t throw it in their face like “HAHA I am an adult, you can’t control me!” (which I admittedly did a few times when I came home during the summer when they gave me rules I wasn’t used to) because that will just keep them thinking of you as a child.
And honestly, sometimes I think a white lie is better for everyone (within reason). When I go into a certain area to go to bars, hang out or whatever for a night, my parents worry more because I am driving further, they aren’t familiar with the area, etc. Sometimes when I know I’m going to be out later, or if they seem particularly stressed by other things in their lives and I don’t want to add to that, I’ll just tell them I’m going somewhere local so they don’t spend the night worrying. Is it necessary to lie? No, they wouldn’t stop me from going either way, but sometimes I just don’t want to feel like I’m keeping them up all night worrying.
Ideally, parents and adult children should live together much like roommates. Yes, even if the adult child is not paying rent. I don’t think my husband having the only income means he gets to dictate my friendships, comings and goings, and recreational time. Why on earth should it mean the parents get to? It’s nothing more than a manipulation tactic to encourage the adult child to move out.
But, I’m a very respectful roomie too. I think if roomates are uncomy with overnight guests, that should be respected. I think if they are light sleepers, yes, you need to either be home by X time or let them know you’ll be staying elsewhere. After all it’s just courtesy to let people you live with know “hey I’ll be in the Hampton’s this weekend!”
LW I think where you may be going wrong is you may still be asking for “permission” to do things. You don’t need permission to do a thing. And if your parents act as if you do, then, well, sadly there’s not much you can do while still living at home. For some it’s worth their dignity to suck it up and move out. For some it’s not. I humbly suggest you stop the information train (they don’t need to know you’re dating at all frankly, let alone who) and give out only the most bare essential information “I’m going out. I’ll be home at X time.” The minute you start asking them all kinds of nonsense like “what would make you more comfortable?” that implies what they think actually matters. Frankly, it doesn’t. You’re an adult. It’s inappropriate. Concern is fine. For example, when I had roommates, I was concerned if they were out much later than expected, or gone for days without notice. But having to “approve” your boyfriend and social activities is control, not concern. Don’t play into that.
That doesn’t mean being a snot and getting all junior high and “NOT YOUR BUSINESS!” about it. It simply means keeping to yourself and being very, very vague and not forthcoming regarding information. if you’re in a pattern where you’ve been justifying, defending, and explaining to your parents your every move, this will be hard to break. Just remember, it is very rare that giving more information is better. This is a life lesson that will do you very well. Always evaluate if someone NEEDS to know something. It’s rare they do. Very rare. And you’ll be well served to abide by that.
Can I ask what “a big deal” means in this context? Because there are ways it could be ridiculous – “NO, you are not going out with that ne’er-do-well all day, he’ll find a shady corner and knock you up!”, and there are ways it could be more reasonable – “OK, but we’ll need a contact number to reach you. Make sure your cell is charged, and tell us when you’re leaving, when you’ll be back, and approximately where y’all are going. Are you taking the Metro? Be sure to keep all your valuables secured while you’re on it, and don’t fall asleep – Mom had that incident ten years ago where someone snatched her purse. It’s pretty safe nowadays, but you just want to be careful. You got all your medications? A map of the area? Don’t want to get lost in that city, take a turn down a wrong street and there are bars on the front porches.”
Giving your 19-year-old the third degree over a day trip may be obnoxious, but it was pretty standard parental procedure around my house. My folks were more urbanized than I was, for one thing… they were city kids who raised their own kids in the country… and my mom had some experiences growing up that made her more wary than some other parents might be. But if they’re trying to stop you from going on day trips every time your boyfriend plans one, that’s over-the-top, particularly since your dad wants you to marry him.