“My Partner Still Hasn’t Filed for Divorce”
My current partner has been separated from his wife for three years. He lives on his own in an apartment in the same town as his “ex,” and their adult daughter lives with the ex while she attends college. Over the past year and a half, my partner and I have grown very close. We love each other deeply and have talked about a future together — possibly living together and even marriage someday. The problem is that he’s still legally married.
Although he and his wife have been separated for years, they still share finances and pay some bills together. He tells me that his ex can be volatile, and he worries about her reaction if he files for divorce, especially since their daughter still lives with her. At first, the situation didn’t bother me much because our relationship was still new. But as things become more serious, it’s begun to weigh on me. I’ve even told my family and friends that he’s divorced because I know they’d judge me for dating someone who isn’t — especially given how my own marriage ended.
What’s troubling me most is that, after all this time, he still hasn’t filed for divorce. There hasn’t even been a motion or any paperwork started. He keeps saying things like, “I talked to my lawyer,” or “Her lawyer is supposed to call,” or “We just need to put something in writing,” but this has been going on for at least eight or nine months with no progress.
I’m feeling frustrated and stuck. I don’t want to keep discussing marriage or moving in together while he’s still legally married and financially tied to his ex. I truly believe he loves me and that there’s no chance of reconciliation between them — but I can’t help feeling that if he really wanted to move forward with me, he would have taken care of this by now.
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, or if this is a valid concern. How long should I continue to wait for him to finalize things? Am I making too big a deal out of it, or is this a sign that he isn’t as ready to move forward as he says? Thank you so much for your time and perspective. — Ready to Move Forward
Well, it sounds like you two have different ideas of what “possibly living together and even marriage someday” means. Have you discussed a timeline or have you left things as vague as “someday” suggests? Your partner must have reasons for avoiding filing for a divorce before now and they are probably financial and/or related to his daughter, who is still in college and lives with his wife. He may also not be interested in living with you if you still have teenagers at home with you.
Regardless what his reasons are, he’s certainly entitled to have them and to move at whatever pace he’s comfortable with, and you are entitled to say it’s not fast enough for you and to move on. But in order to make that decision, you need to be upfront with each other about expectations and desired timelines. You need to define what you mean by “possibly living together and even marriage someday,” because without a mutual understanding or shared goal, there’s no motivation to take steps to reach that goal and your partner is more likely to hang out in this liminal space he’s been in since you met.
I don’t think you’re overreacting or that your concern isn’t valid. You’re dating a man who is still legally married and afraid of filing for divorce. That’s not nothing. But I’m also not sure if your partner is showing signs that he isn’t as ready to move forward as he says he is because I don’t know what he’s saying to you to indicate that he DOES want to move forward beyond vaguely talking about a future together “someday.” The truth is, he likely isn’t ready to move as quickly as you are or he’d be taking the steps to make himself available to you in the way that you want.
As for how long you should continue to wait for him, that really depends. You need clarity around what still needs to happen before your partner files for divorce and then what needs to happen before he’s interested in living with you and marrying you. I suggest you also get clarity around whether co-habitation is a bigger priority than marriage and whether marriage is even a truly shared goal. I can imagine that someone who is taking so long to get out of a marriage and disentangling shared finances with his ex may not be super eager to jump into legally tying his life and finances to a new spouse, particularly if she has primary custody of two teenagers.
And as for those teenagers: if they’re doing well now after going through what you describe as an incredibly painful time, maybe don’t rock the boat. Our time with our kids, particularly our teenage kids (and I have one myself) is so fleeting. What a gift that the three of you are doing well and have a happy home together while you can also enjoy a relationship outside your home that brings you happiness. Maybe this is where you’re meant to be for now.
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So much left unsaid in the post. Have you met the adult children? Does ANYONE on his side even know about you? Have your children and his ever met? Maybe I’m just skeptical but this really reads to me as LW is now the side piece. We all know that when two people want to live together/be married they find a way to do that. I don’t think he’s interested in remarriage, he’s interested in keeping his status quo. He may even be divorced but just doesn’t want to move any farther forward in this relationship.
His behavior is probably why he’s getting a divorce. Says he’ll do the dishes, but let’s em rot.
Promised to take care of x, y, z, but didn’t do it.
Now, hes using you, stringing you along.
You set no true limits or boundaries. Stop being afraid of leaving him. Or of him leaving you. He should be the one scared to be alone, not you. You are the prize. He must work for you.
But so far he hasn’t had to.
You need to get out of this before its too late.
I’m guessing that he has no desire to be the father figure you crave for two teenage boys (he’s been there and done that) but once they’re gone and he needs a nurse with a purse, you’re in.
Why would she even want him to raise her kids ? Is there anything to suggest that she can actually afford to be his “purse” ?
Ah, the volatile ex! This is such a convenient out for someone who isn’t ready to move forward because absolutely nothing can be done about it.
The reasons Wendy gave for his not being ready are valid, but this excuse is a red flag for me. Why can’t he just own his choices?
Oh dearie dear ___
WHY are you screwing around with A Married Man???????!
I know there may be slim pickings where you live, but messing with someone else’s husband just shouldn’t be a choice …even if you’re ..in your 50s..
I would hope that you shook out the cobwebs after reading the comments….tell him you need a break………and break up with him_ _ don’t go back until he can show you a divorce decree…….then you could play house freely.
Something that stuck out to me LW is that you are LYING to your family & friends about this boyfriend’s marital status. Because you know you will be judged for dating a married man.
He is still married, regardless of how long he’s been separated. Unless he actually sees a lawyer today about getting divorced, it’s time to MOA.
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