“My Siblings Disapprove of My Partner’s Gender Expression”
We decided to share our happiness by hosting a big Thanksgiving dinner. We invited both sides of the family. My parents always seemed quite fine with our situation and never expressed views that would suggest that my partner not dressing conservatively would bother them. Both my siblings also knew she is 2Spirit and my sister had met her as such. We had a great dinner, everyone SEEMED happy. We didn’t hear anything to the contrary til a week later. My sister’s husband tried to send me a letter, but my mom showed up and intercepted it when she found out it was being delivered.
I never got to read it, but my mom told me the gist was my sister and BIL do not support my partner’s “lifestyle” and that the only way we would be allowed around them is if my partner goes “in the closet” and dresses 100% male. I texted my sister and told her I refuse to ask my partner to change how she dresses to appease their bigoted views. She relaid this to my brother, who then phoned me and said that my partner’s lifestyle is “against their religion” and they, too, won’t allow their kids around us.
It’s been six years now and we’ve had no contact with my siblings and their families and limited contact with my parents (they made it clear they wouldn’t take sides, which is hurtful but understandable, so they do family dinners without us and do a ton for my siblings’ kids). There’s no indication they want any kind of reconciliation, and my partner and I are still super strong. My kids are all grown now. I’m happy I was able to raise them in a supportive and diverse relationship. But I always wonder if there’s a way to have my partner and also somehow have a relationship with my siblings, too. Or should I just try to forget they exist until perhaps one of them reaches out? I know it would make things easier for my parents, but I feel like they see it as all my fault even though they’ve never said it. -Oldest Sibling Feeling Torn
But why would you want a relationship with people who hurt you the way they did, have shown no remorse, have bigoted views, and don’t support you or your family? Because you share DNA? Because you have a shared history? Because you miss family dinners? None of these is a good reason to jeopardize the relationship you have with your partner, which I have to assume brings you joy and makes you feel love and supported.
In six years, your siblings have given no indication that their views have changed or that they would welcome a relationship with you without requiring you to change some aspect of who you are and who you love. If estranged relationships are to be repaired, something fundamental to the situation that triggered the estrangement needs to have changed and both parties need to want reconciliation. That’s not the case here. At least, it doesn’t seem that it is. You would know if your siblings’ views have changed by their reaching out to you and they haven’t. They would need to apologize, ask for forgiveness and express a readiness and ability to make amends. They aren’t. Sure, you could reach out to them and maybe they would give your appeal some consideration, but a crucial part of any potential reconciliation would have been skipped: the part where they take responsibility for your estrangement. How do I know this would be skipped? Because by the very definition of taking responsibility, they would be the ones to reach out to you first.
It might help you to name what you’re feeling as grief. There are stages of grief and they aren’t linear, but the last one always is acceptance. Maybe you aren’t quite there yet, and maybe, if you have the resources, talking with a supportive therapist would help. A therapist could also support you in figuring out the best way to navigate the relationship you have with your parents. To be excluded from their family gatherings and then feel as if they blame you for things not being “easier” for THEM is a knot in your soul that should be untangled. Doing so would help you get to the step in grief that comes after acceptance and that’s peace.
You deserve to feel at peace – at peace in your decisions, your relationships, and in yourself. I don’t think reaching out to siblings who caused the grief in the first place, with zero indication they feel any remorse for their behavior, is going to get you there. Prioritizing your parents’ ease over your own won’t get you there either. Prioritizing your OWN sense of ease and the relationships that make you feel most seen and supported and loved will. I suspect you already know which ones those are.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
This is an excellent response. Your siblings have made it clear that having a relationship with you and your kids is less important to them than forcing your partner to bend to their will and hide who she is to please them and supposedly align with their belief in some text written hundreds of years ago telling people how to live and which is very selectively applied to control people today.
Grieve and forget they exist. You’ll have to see them when your parents die but other than that, they’re bigoted strangers now. Frankly, this will probably get easier when you don’t see your parents anymore, as that’s a reminder of what should have been. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in your shoes. I’d find more of them and enjoy a kind and supportive found family and let your former siblings wallow in the misery of their own hate. Who knows, you may well get to build relationships with their kids, in the event any aren’t straight and also get tossed out of their family.
I am sorry that your siblings are so bigoted. I agree with Wendy’s advice: don’t contact them. But I think that there is room for discussion and improvement with your parents. Obviously, you miss your family and if I understand well, they didn’t “ban” you and your family from their place, right? They don’t invite you to family gatherings with your siblings, but do they invite you and your family at all, separately? Do you invite them? I would start there, talk with them about the cruelty of the situation for you, who did nothing wrong, and for your children, ignored by their grand-parents due to a situation that is biaised and totally out of their control. I would give a try at repairing at least that relationship with your parents, starting with visiting them alone and talk about your pain, your perspective, in I-sentences. I understand your disappointment in their non-involvment strategy, but they can’t force adults to meet. I would perhaps understand them, only if they do balance their gatherings between you and your siblings, and share their love and interest for all their grand-children. They might disappoint you again, but at least you will have tried. I do think that everybody can admit and respect each other’s opinions, avoid conflict, but still have normal interactions and family time together.