“My Sister-in-Law Wants to Crash in our DC Apartment for the Inauguration”
Two years ago, my husband left his then-wife after years of unhappiness, and he and I started dating fairly seriously shortly afterward. Clearly, the timing looked bad to some people, and his SIL took it as an excuse to cut my husband out of her life for good. She was the only person in my husband’s family that had an issue with our relationship, and she is not close with my husband’s ex-wife. In the months following, she has refused to attend a family Thanksgiving at our apartment with my husband’s mother (his brother and niece did come), as well as our wedding this summer (brother attended, niece was not allowed). In addition, my BIL’s treatment toward me the couple times I did meet him was fairly cold and aloof. Then, my husband and he got into an argument the day after our wedding because the extent of my BIL’s interaction with me was a handshake and that’s all. My husband was very upset and hurt about his brother and SIL’s treatment of both of us.
A few weeks ago my BIL came to our apartment (in DC) for dinner when he was in town for work, and he was fairly pleasant. For the first time ever, he engaged me in conversation, made jokes and was in general good humor. Both my husband and I were optimistic that this was a good start in building a better relationship with him and his wife. However, we still have never heard from the wife in any capacity, and I have never met her.
Last night my husband received a text from his brother asking if we would be in DC on January 19th and 20th and if they could crash on our couch. At first I thought it odd that they would want to crash in our small one-bedroom apartment when they have enough money to get a hotel. Then I realized, that is inauguration day and there likely is very little hotel availability that is affordable for the average person. My BIL’s wife works for the RNC in North Carolina. I am so morally opposed to everything that Trump stands for, and now my husband’s brother and SIL, who have treated us so poorly from the beginning, want to come and stay with us so that the SIL (whom I have never met because of her refusal to meet me) can participate in RNC activities in DC during Trump’s inauguration.
On the one hand, my strong Canadian upbringing tells me to be unfailingly polite, to invite them into our home, and to be a gracious host so that we can do our part to mend our relationship with his brother and SIL. On the other hand, while I know that on a good day I could probably do this, the emotionally charged atmosphere of this particular day means that it seems like the likelier outcome is that there would be arguments that do irreparable damage to an already tenuous relationship between my husband and his brother.
I want to mourn and wallow in the great loss that America is suffering that day, not host a gleeful RNC staffer. I truly think their staying with us that weekend is the worst decision. My husband is in large agreement with me, although I know that he is torn in wanting to see his niece and, likely, the fear that telling them they can’t stay with us will make his relationship with his brother worse when it was just starting to get better.
My instinct is to just tell them we won’t be in town for inauguration and leave it at that. I’d really appreciate it if you could provide any other suggestions/advice. — Not Up For Hosting the Trump Fan
I agree with you that hosting your BIL and his wife during the inauguration weekend is the worst thing you could do. This woman has refused to meet you and been such a jerk to both you and your husband. Even your BIL has been cold toward you. And now they want you to extend some hospitality to them so they can celebrate when Trump is sworn in (barf)? Fuck that noise. As you said, on a good day you might be able to be gracious and hospitable to them for the sake of mending the relationship between your husband and his brother. But this won’t be a good day. This will be a horrible day, made a hell of a lot worse if you had to actually host a gloating Trump supporter.
You cannot let them stay with you. But, whatever you do, don’t tell them you’ll be out of town! Then they’ll just ask to stay in your vacant apartment where they can enjoy free accommodations without the baggage of complicated family dynamics. Do not give them the satisfaction and comfort! You don’t need to lie to them – just tell them, “No, that weekend won’t work for hosting guests, sorry.” Period. PERIOD. You don’t owe any explanation, nor should you offer one. “No” is actually a full, complete sentence (as I imagine it was when the SIL refused to attend your wedding or a family Thanksgiving with you).
Just say ‘no,’ and the meantime, I would encourage your husband to seek opportunities to spend time alone with his brother — like a guys’ weekend — where they can work on repairing their relationship without distraction.
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Perfect suggestion from Wendy. SIL will probably still be pissed, but she hates you anyway, so who cares? BIL will understand that it’s a valid excuse, and the relationship between the brothers shouldn’t be affected.
What a delightful relative (and I am not going to even touch the politics). She refuses to acknowledge your existence until it is convenient for her and then expects you to severely inconvenience yourself for her sake. I hope your husband’s brother was ashamed when he asked for the favor.
Yeah this is what I was thinking. You don’t like your SIL. She doesn’t like you. Your BIL is mostly cold to you, such that him being mildly pleasant while you are feeding him dinner is newsworthy.
It doesn’t really matter why they want to come to DC, you are not obligated to be their hotel. You’re busy, your place is too small for overnight guests, whatever, the answer is no.
Awesome, perfect advice Wendy!
And I’m sorry your husband’s SIL sucks LW.
great answer Wendy. An for the OP, and others, I wanted to share a quote I recently stumbled upon by philosopher Karl Popper:
“Less well known is the paradox of tolerance: Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them… We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant.”
I live/was raised in the upper south so I know and grew up with A LOT of women like the SIL in the letter. Someone who doesn’t feel those who are different (by race, religion, gender etc.) deserve equal protection and respect under the law does not deserve an ounce of your hospitality. Heaven knows SIL would not extend the same graciousness or even basic common courtesy to you (or anyone) if it didn’t suit her own agenda.
I’ll take the opposite view and suggest that you suck it up and let them stay. I think Wendy is wrong in suggesting a brothers get-together as a way for your husband and his brother to stay close. The relationship between your husband and his brother is tenuous and they have just gotten back together for that one dinner at your apartment. SIL seems to strongly influence BIL, so if you say no to this request, I’m afraid that barring divorce, this will be the end of your husband’s relationship with his brother and the two of you will never see their child again.
I agree with you on Trump, but it is so easy to rupture family over politics. I think better to treat this as a chance for some minor reconciliation with SIL. The two of you will never get along, but perhaps a cease-fire is possible.
I think it’s rather over dramatic to say that this may be the ONLY way LW and her husband can repair the relationship. In fact, I would say even if the two women were on the same side of the large political event that the SIL is coming down from, the SIL is still in the wrong for asking to stay over. I mean this woman doesn’t even acknowledge or speak to the LW….the first step is not staying in the same apartment. I’m pretty sure SIL is only asking because she needs somewhere to stay, not because she’s out to repair the relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised that if they do stay in the apartment, the SIL ignores the LW, is barely around, or goes back to her old ways after the visit.
A cease fire is possible. But not under these circumstances.
I agree that these are not great circumstances, but you have to deal with what’s available. I doubt these two women will ever get along, but that is almost beside the point. The more important point is for the brothers to be able to maintain at least some sort of relationship and SIL controls that possibility. If SIL says no, her husband cannot meet separately with his brother at any time, I strongly suspect that meeting won’t happen. SIL rules that family and appears to easily identify and go nuclear over sleights.
But why is it more important to maintain what seems to be a non-existent relationship between the brothers? I’m a bit surprised at some of these responses, especially you Ron. Wendy is not even saying she should tell them why they don’t want them there.
The brothers don’t have a relationship to speak of. I would actually say that you really can’t have a family relationship if that family member is not acknowledging your spouse or at best showing the minimum semblance of respect. Given the brother’s and his wife’s behavior, the most likely outcome of this trip is that either there is a big blowout at a demonstration of complete lack of respect by the guests (e.g. they choose to ignore the LW) or they stay and then go back to the status quo afterwards.
When somebody shows you who they are then believe them. In this case they have shown themselves to be judgmental, rude and unpleasant people at best. That’s not going to change because they let them stay over for a couple of nights. I would actually say that showing the brother and SIL that this behavior is acceptable is actually more detrimental to a healthy relationship.
AlwaysALurker thanks for not lurking on this one. That is a quote from Dr Maya Angelou, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. The chance of this beach continuing and escalating her gracelessness is 100%—you are not superhuman.
I think the relationship between brothers is very important. Too important for their wives to end it by feuding. If there is going to be a schism, and I think this rebuff, however phrased, leads in that direction, then I think it is the husband’s choice, not the LW’s. I also don’t take as cynical a view as some posters who insist that the brother stopped by for dinner while he was in town only to grease the skids for this request for inaugural housing. I think he stopped by then because he could do so without his wife’s interference and possibly without her knowledge.
I agree with you. As awful as the orange man is – SIL will never forget or forgive. Hopefully she’ll be busy and not in their apt all that much. Thye can agree to ‘not talk politics’ while they’re there.
@Ron- I totally disagree with you. I think letting your SIL stay at your place during this emotionally charged time when both women will be in the complete opposite mindset (one celebrating, the other mourning) is a recipe for disaster. Putting two people, with opposite political views, who have barely even SPOKEN, in the same small apartment for a large political event is a bad, bad idea.
Sure, reconciliation may be possible, but you need the best of circumstances for it to happen….and these are anything BUT the best of circumstances.
NEVER spoken. They’ve never spoken. The LW has never even met the SIL, since the SIL refused to come to their wedding (!). Forget about the inauguration for a minute. Would anyone ever recommend that the first time for these two women to meet should be for a 2-night stay at one of their homes together? With this kind of background of animosity on the SIL’s part? I definitely would not. It’s already going to be a difficult meeting, but add to that the fact that if it goes extremely badly, they’re going to be stuck staying in the same place together. The first time they meet should be for a short time, where they just have to deal with any fallout for an hour or two before they can separate.
Now add the inauguration back in, and all the emotions that come with it. It’s just adding fuel to the fire. It’s a horrible idea.
Nailed it. The time for these two to meet for the first time is NOT for a shared overnight visit. I wouldn’t recommend it even if there was a GOOD relationship.
I also agree “sorry but we already have guests staying with us at that time” is a very diplomatic response/approach to take.
Long time reader, first time commenter.
I don’t think this is good advice. Wendy, I think that your dislike of Trump (which I don’t disagree with as I think he will be a terrible president) is clouding your judgement here.
Siblings, somewhat estranged, have had a rapprochement. The brother will be in town and asks to stay for a night at his brother’s house. Without politics, your advice would be to suck it up and have the brother stay.
In this case, the question should be whether the two couples can get along despite the politicical differences. If so, they should welcome the brother and SIL to their home. If not, they should find a graceful excuse and not pick a political fight.
The advice you gave is likey to deepen an existing family rift, as it is picking a fight without a need. In any other circumstance, you would advise avoiding a needless confrontation and deepening an estrangement between siblings.
But… you can’t really take politics out of this, can you? The whole reason for the trip to DC is to celebrate the inauguration of Trump. It will be a VERY emotionally-charged weekend, whether you’re celebrating or mourning, and to ask someone to be a gracious hostess to someone who is on the complete other end of the spectrum in terms of feelings about this inauguration is too much. If it were any other weekend or any other reasons BESIDES politics for the BIL and SIL visiting DC and asking to crash at the LW’s apartment, then, yes, my advice might be to suck it up and be a gracious hostess. But this weekend will not be like any other. If the LW were capable of being gracious in the face of a celebrating, gloating Trump fan, then sure, she could suck it up and take one for the team. But she’s said that she can’t see herself being a good hostess given the circumstances. And if she’s going to be a bad hostess, i really do believe — my own politics aside — that having her BIL and SIL, whom she has never met! — stay with them will cause the bigger rift than simply saying, “No – that’s not a good weekend for us. “
I don’t know….I don’t think Wendy would necessarily say that having a SIL who an LW has never spoken to (and has been snubbed by) many times before stay over for a weekend is the best way to mend fences and start a relationship. Especially when it seems like the SIL is looking for a place to stay, rather than to mend fences. Even without the politics aspect (which you can’t just ignore, especially on inauguration weekend in DC), this ask would seem to big and honestly have too much risk of blowing up. Smaller, safer, baby steps to starting a relationship is a better bet.
Sorry Wendy, I don’t mean to put words in your mouth.
I honestly probably wouldn’t want them to stay if it was for some other reason entirely. They’ve gone out of their way to snub her. Why should they show the SIL any courtesy? I’m all about being the bigger person, but in this case it would behoove them all for the BIL and SIL to stay elsewhere and invite the LW out to dinner or something to mend fences. Staying in the same place as them is too close for comfort, IMO.
Agreed Anonymousse – the SIL has been unforgivably rude. She refused to attend various family functions including a wedding simply because she does not approve of the relationship. She has in fact gone out of her way to insure that the LW and her husband would KNOW that she does not approve of them. Now she needs a favor and suddenly she is willing to grace them with her presence. The fact that she actually didn’t even request the invite, rather she had her husband do so, and if there were other options would likely not want to stay with them anyways (cost or availability likely being prohibitive).
Wendy’s advice is perfect. No need for the LW to bend over backwards to accommodate snooty relatives. And for a reason she does not approve.
It’s not bending over backwards to accommodate snooty relatives. It’s bending over backwards to help her husband maintain at least a minimal relationship with his brother. It’s clear to me that these two women basically can’t stand each other. From the letter, I understand why LW can’t stand SIL, there probably is a reason, however strange it may seam, why SIL can’t stand LW. Both women are pushing their husbands apart. The brother did get together with LW and her husband when he was in town without his wife.
Putting BIL/SIL up for a few days could be a monumental failure, but I think it is worth a try. Does LW really want to pass by a possibility for her husband to reconcile with his brother or does she want to finally shatter their relationship. Is it worth taking her battle with SIL and their difference on politics to that extent?
These two women don’t even know each other. They’ve literally never met. The SIL refused to attend their wedding or the family Thanksgiving dinner because she didn’t want to meet the LW. That’s where their current relationship stands.
Now comes a request to stay the whole weekend. If the request had come along with an olive branch, or any kind of indication that the SIL wanted to mend fences, then I would say to consider it. But it didn’t. It appears to be 100% about them needing a place to crash.
Also, it seems to me that the risk of damaging the relationship is much higher if they’re forced to spend a whole weekend together while emotions are high. Much riskier than the fallout from not letting them stay, IMO.
I feel like you’re making assumptions about Wendy’s advice because politics are involved, too. Regardless of the reason for the trip, the BIL and SIL would still be expecting to be hosted by people they’ve treated like crap. Not only that, but being trapped in an apartment together (and DC apartments are not big) for a weekend? That’s not an appropriate way to start mending fences with a person who is prone to immature, petty behavior. What if the SIL starts acting like a jerk and they get into an argument or she treats them like crap? I doubt that will heal their rift.
I think one of the keys here is that while the LW and her husband can be kind and open to a relationship, they don’t have to allow themselves to be steamrolled by an awful person. If saying, “Sorry, but we have other plans that weekend!” creates a deep rift, then that says something about the BIL and SIL. (I mean, what if they really did have other visitors? Are you suggesting that they disinvite the other visitors so that BIL and SIL could stay? Because that would be the exact same situation.)
I kinda think fleeing town would be a good idea regardless. First because anytime your town is overrun with tourists is pretty much sucks, regardless of the reason. And in this case extra sucks because those people are going to be horrible people.
If you’re not going to be there, maybe you can offer your place up to them and it leaves you being accommodating and looking like the best SIL, without having to actually deal with them.
I hate to say it, but if I lived in DC I’d be leaving town for this one. Emotions are going to be running high, and I’m very afraid that there will be violence.
As a DC area resident, I’ll second this one wholeheartedly. With all the crowds and traffic, inaugurations are a nightmare even if you like the incoming POTUS, and political zealots on a victory high tend to be more obnoxious than the usual tourists. If you can’t hunker down in your own place without playing host in this case, get out of town and offer to let BIL and SIL crash.
How about this: be there to greet them the day they arrive, take them out to dinner, and then head out of town for the next two nights while they stay in your place. Lots of DCers leave town during the inauguration mayhem to escape the crowds and traffic.
Sometimes, the best you can do is create the appearance of politeness. This way, you don’t break the tenuous peace between your husband and his brother, you look like you’re offering an olive branch to the nasty SIL, and you don’t give her any reason to bad-mouth you. What could she say? You took her out to dinner and generously gave them free lodging.
It’s a lovely idea… in theory. However, I wouldn’t want someone I don’t know in my space touching my stuff. Especially if she’s as judgmental as she sounds.
Then again … set it up well with a big ol’ sack of silicon surprises under the pillow and it could be fun for years.
This was my first thought. Not forgetting the fact that she is very close to the ex and doesn’t seem like someone who would hold back on sharing personal details with her.
Is there some way to respond in the middle? Be honest and say “I am not comfortable welcoming someone to stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment who has never met my wife.” That’s the truth of the matter, right? Forget the political (for now, because it is still important), this is about a woman refusing to acknowledge your existence until she needs something from you. A response like this will address the true problem. You could even say – “I am so glad that SIL wants to meet my wife, we would love that. Let’s arrange something a little less intimate than a sleepover for the first encounter.” I fear if you make it about the election whatsoever you will just permanently alienate SIL and likely damage any relationship with the brother and niece. But, ultimately, WWS do not let them stay over that weekend, or any weekend until you have at least met.
Yes, it’s probably wise not to mention the election at all. Better to say, “we’re already hosting some house guests that week,” or “that’s not a good week for us,” or “Darn! that’s just not a good week for us. Maybe next time?”
Nope. She can’t bother to come to your wedding? Or meet you? No, that person has blown it. Let her spend some extra money on a hotel.
Aw hell no. I agree with you about Trump and the RNC, but politics aside, Brother and SIL strike me as users. They want nothing to do with you most of the time but all of sudden, when they need something, they’re ready to make nice? Eff that noise. If they want a relationship with you and your husband, they can make the effort when they don’t stand to benefit from it.
Tell them, “Sorry, that won’t work for us. But maybe we could take you out for dinner while you’re in town?” Then you treat them to dinner, and your time with them will be limited to an hour or two. Plus it will be easier to engage in civil, polite conversation at a neutral location; if things go south, you can just leave. You won’t have that luxury if you host them in your home.
Am I the only one who thinks the brother only acted the way he did a few weeks ago to set the stage to ask for this enormous favor? I hate to say it, because I truly do hope he’s trying to mend fences, but it seems awfully convenient that after years of treating you poorly and barely acknowledging you exist, the brother does a complete 180 and then just “happens” to ask you to stay in your home during the inauguration (a huuuge favor and money savings for them) a few weeks later. I’d be very wary that even if you do let them stay, they’ll revert right back to treating you like dirt after they leave. Or, hell, even while they’re still there.
I agree with the poster above who said a simple “I’m so sorry, those days won’t work for us ” will suffice. I would add on to that “I’m actually really glad you asked though because we’ve been wanting to get together with you all since we had such a nice time a few weeks ago. Would the dates of X through Y work for you instead?”. Or “I’m so glad you asked though because hubby was thinking it would be so nice for you both to have a guys weekend when it gets a little warmer. Would the dates of X through Y work for you?”. Their response will tell you a lot about if they were truly trying to reach out to you or just use you and then dump you again after.
I like your first response option.
And I agree, the request seems very much like they only want to use you for your place to stay. Test the water by suggesting other ways to meet up and actually form a relationship that do not involve the invasion of your space.
Exactly. If they really are trying to mend fences then telling them kindly that you arent able to have them stay but you’d love to meet up while they’re in town (suggest specific dates and times) should be met well. If they get upset or refuse to see you while they’re in town, then you know it was a ruse to get a free place to stay
I agree entirely–the friendly dinner was a calculated move on Brother’s part to butter up the LW and her husband.
Which is why I think it’s pointless to host Brother and SIL. It won’t help mend fences because they don’t WANT to mend fences. All they want is place to crash.
Ugh. I’m not sure I want someone I have never spoken to, who treats me like dirt, to be alone in my house without me there.
BIL clearly doesn’t set boundaries with his wife that allow him to maintain familial relationships…so I don’t trust him to stop her from snooping if she chooses.
This exactly. I wouldn’t let someone who clearly has a huge beef with me stay in my home when I’m not there.
Maybe they could rent out the place and tell BIL and SIL it was already a done deal. That way snooty horrible relatives wont be in the space and they could make some extra income while avoiding the shit-show.
I think you have to figure our what the end goal is?
Are you trying to share your point of view and try and get her to understand your point of view? That can only happen with engaging in thoughtful dialogue. There is a time and place for that, inauguration will not be that time or place. So maybe having her stay there won’t be a good idea.
Are you trying to draw a line in the sand with her? Because that is what you are doing when you can’t stay but someone who shares our political beliefs can.
Finally, are you trying to repair a damaged relationship? If so, then I think the best response it to simply say, “I’m really sorry those dates don’t work but we would love to have your family come for a visit at one of the following times”. Offer to show them around town for the weekend, and propose a couple of dates that you are free. Then take the politics out of the relationship and just do your best to build a relationship, for the sake of your husband, for the sake of his brother and more importantly for the sake of your niece. It would be great for her to see you and your husband as normal kind people, who one day will be great role models for her outside the construct of her immediate family.
I am with BGM, if LW wants to take a small vacation around that time, get out of Dodge!
Don’t Washingtonians usually leave town anyway for inaugurations?
SIL is a confirmed ass-hat, and BIL is gutless. Nothing to be done about that. The brothers’ relationship will benefit, at the least. And yes they are scummy for reaching out only when they want something.
But will it really fracture the family if they say they can’t host *for a practical reason*? I mean, if they legitimately couldn’t host for whatever reason (actual guests, renovations, etc.), would we be saying to host anyway, no matter what it took?
It reminds me of when people don’t want to attend a wedding for personal reasons. If you say you can’t attend the wedding because you already have plans, then it’s not the same as saying, “I can’t go because I hate you.”
Even if one of the two difficulties here were not true (estranged but same sides of the political spectrum, or on good terms but don’t agree politically), I would say it wouldn’t be a good call to have them stay. Give the excuse that you’ve already got a full house that weekend, and if you do want to leave the door open to reconciling (or meeting), you can say you’d love to get together another time they’re in town or you’re in their area. If you keep politics out of it and respond with kindness, then you’ll find out what their intentions are, good or bad.
And if you not bending over backwards to host them this one time is the nail in the coffin for them on having a relationship, I bet you anything that hosting would have gone terribly.
What a dramaful life your followers live! Wow….the most important thing about a brother or SIL is that they’re a TRUMP supporter. Yeah…get out of DC. In fact, get out of real life…go to a deserted island or something where you can spend all day whittling and talking to coconuts. Obviously, you can’t handle ‘real life’. 😛
Actually, I’d say a more significant thing than these relatives being Trump supporters is that they’ve acted so hateful to the LW. The SIL has refused to meet her, skipped her wedding, forbade the niece from attending the wedding, skipped Thanksgiving, and now wants to crash at her place during the inauguration weekend? Low class. Even for a trump supporter.
Yeah, just say no to this one. First, do you actually even have room for two other people to stay in your one-BR DC apartment for an entire weekend? That alone sounds terrible, without even getting into the relationship dynamics and political stuff. Second, whoever upthread suggested that the only reason these people were slightly less than terrible the last time you were with them is to “butter you up” for crashing at your place is probably onto something. Third, it is going to be a shitty weekend for you, given your aversion to Trump. You deserve to be able to escape or take refuge in your own home without having to host people that you KNOW are going to make a bad situation worse.
So, decline. Tell them you don’t have room, someone else is staying there, you have something else going on that weekend and it isn’t a good one to have guests, whatever you think will dissuade them. All of those are reasonable reasons to not have someone stay in your place and anyone who gets bent out of shape about it, much less tank a familial relationship over it, isn’t someone you want to spend two days with anyway.
Yeah, I really do not understand having estranged relatives staying in a DC one-bedroom apartment. I’d barely understand it in a bedroom plus office, which is what most “DC two-bedroom” apartments are. We have very strict rules around how many people can stay at a time and even had to turn down some very good friends once because it would have meant 5 people getting ready for a wedding with a single bathroom and no matter how much we all liked each other, there’s no way that’s ending well…
THIS! I have a hard time with close family – WHO I LOVE AND GET ALONG WITH – staying with me in my small 1.5 bedroom / 1 bathroom apartment. I can’t imagine sending an invite to someone who detests me!
Yes yes yes. Overnight guests even with the best relationship is at least a small imposition… and even more so if it is a very small space. And its not going to be a picnic from their end either, sleeping on an air mattress or pull out couch or something in the living room.
Not exactly conducive to building bridges, regardless of anything else going on.
I am with Essie. Don’t imitate the SIL’s isolation tactics. Just receive the brother and wife and niece, you don’t have to share their political views. They are family, when they come in town, you host them, especially for one night. But avoid political discussions, and leave the flat. You don’t agree anyway.
About their reaction to your wedding: you married soon after your husband’s divorce. Give other people some time to adjust. Again, nobody asks you to be best pal with these people. Just let your husband be close to his brother and avoid a break up over political disagreement.
Does the LW and her husband really know the reasons the SIL didn’t come to their Thanksgiving dinner or the wedding? I ask because the LW makes it very clear that her husband does not like the SIL and in fact believes that she has been trying to ruin their relationship, and this may color how he views the above scenarios. It’s possible she skipped Thanksgiving dinner to spend it instead with her family for whatever reason. It’s also possible she and the niece skipped on the wedding for a reason having nothing to do with the LW. The fact that the LW’s husband was SO incensed at his brother only shaking her hand at the reception led to a blow up fight the DAY AFTER his wedding is kind of weird. It shows that the LW and her husband are spending too much time dissecting his brother and his family.
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I’m not saying to invite them to your home, but do consider that you and your husband are unfairly judging your SIL and that not everything they do has to do with you and your husband.
Put your place on Air BNB and leave town for the weekend. You have an excuse not to accommodate someone who is incredibly rude and some extra money. Win-win.
Well put Wendy. The damn nerve.
If it were me, I would take that time to visit family back in Canada. I would let my husband host his brother and SIL.
From the LW:
“I wanted to give you a quick update on how we resolved the issue. My husband called my BIL to talk to him about their request to stay at our place. He expressed that he was still upset about the way that we had been treated, to which my BIL said that he had been speaking to my SIL about the situation and that she “was starting to come around”. This confirmed my (and your) suspicion that she wasn’t really interested in mending a relationship with us, but wanted a place to crash to partake in the inauguration activities. In addition, my husband straight up said that her and I are clearly on different ends of the political spectrum and that the inauguration was probably not a good time for us to get together for the first time. My BIL was in general agreement and so they are not coming to DC at all as far as I can tell, and there do not appear to be any hard feelings between my husband and his brother.
Unfortunately, our first choice would be to leave town for inauguration, but it’s just not possible due to my husband’s work schedule. Thanks again for the great advice. I really appreciated feeling like I wasn’t being completely selfish for not wanting to host my SIL.”
Secret option C. Let them stay and then actually go out of town and stay with friends elsewhere. That way you host them and you can bank the favor, and you don’t have to deal with them, and you get out of that environment for a charged day.
I’m not sure that someone else’s politics should concern you. You’re the reason this country is anger and divided.
You sound overly judgmental and difficult.
Wendy – your use of the “F” word lacks class and integrity. I’m out. Tired of the potty mouth and bs politics.
Wendy is an advice columnist who always gives compassionate advice & whose responses show she really listens to where every individual letter writer is coming from. And yes, Wendy uses strong language for emphasis. If you’re trying to portray yourself as a regular or longtime reader who is leaving because of “the F word” , then you weren’t reading after all.