“Our Divorced Friend Always Brings Her Kids”
A year ago a mutual acquaintance – “Jean” – got divorced. She is closest to the wife of the couple we hang out with, and the wife has been supporting her through this change. She has also invited her to our get-togethers a couple times, which have gone well. We all really like Jean. My issue is that the past few times, we have been surprised by the presence of her two young children (7 and 5). They are at our dinner parties, game nights, even at nights out at restaurants, bars, and a rock concert! It completely changes the atmosphere of the evening. We no longer joke and vent about work, politics, relationships, etc. Most of the evening is spent talking about what’s going on with the kids, engaging them in conversations, asking them to show off photos and videos. In fact, it seems like our friends really dote on the kids and love having them around. It makes me wonder if they regret not having children.
We miss our adult time with our friends with no kids involved, but aren’t sure how to approach this. Should we just be direct and ask if the kids will be there next time they invite us to something? Do we accept maybe our relationship with this couple has changed and we need to move on? It’s not that I didn’t like kids but this isn’t what I signed up for. — Childfree By Choice
I wouldn’t assume that just because your friends seem to enjoy having these kids around that they regret their decision not to have their own children. It’s pretty normal to show a lot of interest in and enthusiasm for friends’ kids when they’re around, especially when said kids/family are going through a challenging time (like a divorce). And, yeah, they may genuinely enjoy these kids and their presence at your formerly kid-free get-togethers. But you don’t, and that’s valid and you should let your friends know how you feel. You should be proactive and tell them now, before the next invite. In fact, rather than wait for an invite, you could be the one to plan something and you can make clear your invitation extends to the grownups only, no kids.
I’d call up the wife of the couple, assuming she’s the one you’re closest with and she’s closest with the mom of the kids, and in hetero relationships it’s usually the women who take on the social planning (though, hi, men! We are happy for you to take on some of this labor!). Anyway, I’d call her up and say something like, “Hey, I think it’s great that you’ve been so supportive of Jean through her divorce, and I really like her and have been enjoying her company when we all get together. I like her kids, too, but I’ve been missing our kid-free time when we hang out and I was wondering if we could plan something for just the adults.”
Your friend is then free to say no or to explain why that isn’t preferable or possible right now. Maybe she intends to invite Jean to everything you ever do together and Jean isn’t in a position now or in the near future to get a babysitter. Maybe the kids are never with their father and Jean doesn’t get in time away from them. I don’t know. But you don’t know either until you broach the topic with your friend. It would be premature to accept that your relationships with this couple has changed and you need to move on before even talking to them about it. In fact, unless you get a definitive response that the kids will be a fixture at every get-together going forward, I’d give the friendship a few more months before moving on entirely. If the kids continue to be omnipresent even after you’ve expressed your desire for kid-free time, then move on but leave the door open for a future reconciliation if/when the situation changes.
She has reassured me that nothing has changed regarding her feelings for me yet I wonder I’m wasting my time. Unfortunately, patience isn’t my greatest virtue and I am craving more in the relationship at this point which is something she cannot give me. I am in love with this woman and she means the absolute world to me, but the future I want with her is not happening as soon as I’d like. Is it selfish to move on? — Ready for More Than She Can Give
If your girlfriend can’t give you what you want right now, patience isn’t your greatest virtue, and you’re wondering if you’re wasting your time, then, yeah, I think it’s probably right for you to move on. I’m not sure what it is that you want that your girlfriend isn’t able to give you but considering that her status as a mother with children at home likely isn’t going to change any time soon and it’s this status that is contributing to you feeling like you aren’t getting what you want, it probably is a waste of time waiting for the situation to change to your benefit. As to whether it’s selfish to move on, this is your life and I would hope you would be selfish about important decisions that affect your future.
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Fellow child free by choice here, WWS for sure. You haven’t even asked your friend if she would mind hanging out without the kids, and she isn’t the one bringing them so it should be easy to broach the subject. You could ask for so many alternatives here, hang out adults only, hang out without Jean, maybe hang out with Jean and the kids for 1-2 hours somewhere, then move on to an adult only hang. Jean probably doesn’t have options other than to bring her kids to some of these things this early in her divorce, she deserves some time to figure out how she wants to work things out, but she must also know that she’s hanging out with 2 childfree couples, and that may not be the best venue for kiddie time but without any input that its not working she has no reason to assume its a problem. I say all of this as someone who actively cringes when I have to be around kids and yet I’ve managed to make it work
LW1: How about inviting this couple of friends yourself, or organising an evening on your own terms for an activity which doesn’t include kids ? If you invite, then you are in control. You will have some time just with these friends. If they ask wether they can come with Jean and her children, then you can say openly, kindly, that you find them very nice, and you appreciate your friends’ concern for Jean and her family, but you would also enjoy an evening just between adults. It is perfectly understandable and I am pretty sure this couple will listen to your wish.
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LW2: time to move on, gently if possible. Your partner started with you, then the “family court drama” started. She put the cart before the horse. If you want to live together like one big happy family (pmsl as there will be tears before bedtime), it needs to wait until the child custody arrangements settle down. dating at your workplace is another twist to manage.