Quickie: “Can We Keep Seeing the Daughter of Our Son’s Ex?”

Years ago, my son started dating a woman with a one-year-old child from a previous relationship. We accepted both with open arms and liked them both. They visited and stayed with us every weekend and during holidays. After three years my son and his girlfriend became engaged, but six months later they broke up. The little girl is now four and we’ve basically been her grandparents since she was one and she adores us. Our question is: Clearly, the relationship is over, but do we continue to see the little girl and let her sleep over as before? At times she would stay two weeks out of the month with us. Now we are so confused as to how to move forward. We love the child as she does us, and her mom says it’s okay for her to see us and my son says it is okay. But what about going forward when he has new relationships? We don’t want her to be sad and not see us, but what is best? Any advice will help. — Pseudo Grandparents

 
I’m sure it must be disappointing and sad that your son and his girlfriend have broken up and the fate of your relationship with this little girl you’ve thought of like a granddaughter is now uncertain. I’m sorry for that. Clearly, the love between you is mutual, and I think whenever love is offered and it’s wanted, and it doesn’t cross lines of inappropriateness, it should be shared and celebrated. Your question is one about appropriateness, and while the situation is certainly more complicated than it was before you son and his girlfriend broke up, it’s not really as complicated as you might think. Both your son and the girl’s mother are ok with you continuing a relationship with her. So, I say, continue along. Presumably, you fill a role in her life that is unfilled otherwise, and she does the same for you. And as long as all the adults in the picture are ok with the relationship continuing, then it should.

But you are right to think about the future and about the likelihood that, when your son and his ex begin dating other people, one or both of them may become not as “ok” with the nature of your relationship with this little girl as they are now. The best way to deal with this is to keep the lines of communication open as much as you can, be respectful of boundaries, ask for clarification when you aren’t clear what or where the boundaries are, and start dialing back the frequency and the length of time you spend with this little girl (for example, maybe instead of her staying with you for two weeks at a time, you can offer to have her stay with you for an overnight or weekend visit every couple months). Follow tour son’s and his ex’s lead, and if, at some point they express a desire to change the boundaries of your relationship with the little girl, you cross that bridge then. Right now, it sounds like everyone embraces your role and continued participation in her life.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

One Comment

  1. Agree with Wendy, and I hope you can stay in each other’s lives.

    Reply

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