Quickies: “He Has a Girlfriend. Should I Stop Texting Him?”
Before I continue, I should tell you that I’m married (not happily) and until recently John lived with his longterm girlfriend. She recently moved out, but they are still in a relationship. He told me that being with me was wonderful and it brought back all of those old feelings we felt so many years ago. We decided to have coffee together and spent four hours talking. We agreed to have coffee the following week, but it never happened. I shared my feelings with him and he said we could not see each other any longer because of our history and because we were both in relationships. I still text him, and he always responds; he says he won’t know for sure what’s going on with his relationship until April when she finds out if she can have children. If she can, he does not want to and their relationship is over.
I am just wondering if he still may have feelings for me. Is this why he no longer wants to see me and is limiting our texting? I asked him if he wanted me to stop texting and he just said that he wanted to keep our conversations to a minimum. We always had a great connection and chemistry, and I would like more. I’m separating from my husband, regardless. Should I stop texting him? — Fanning an Old Flame
Yes, you should stop texting him. John has told you that talking with you brings up the old feelings you shared many years ago, but that doesn’t mean you are meant to be together. In the past, timing was never right, and guess what? It’s not right now either. You’re still married and have not even separated from your husband yet, and he’s with a woman he cares at least enough about that he’s not going to end things with her unless maybe it turns out her desire and ability to have children is greater than his desire not to. And that’s no given. Think about it — if he were really interested in pursuing something with you, he’d break up with his girlfriend. But he’s not doing that. And he’s not telling you to completely stop texting him because he does like you and if things don’t work out with his girlfriend, then he’s got you on the back burner waiting for him. Come on. You’ve got to be, what, about 40 years old? Is this really ok for you? Being unhappily married to one guy and being the back-burner consolation prize for another? I’m thinking no. MOA from them both.
Tell Mike you’ve developed feelings for him. This isn’t a “confession,” though. It’s a conversation. It’s an acknowledgement of emotions and your desire to change the status of your relationship. You want some strings attached and want to find out how he feels about that. The only way to do that is to ask. But keep in mind, even if he’s interested in attaching some strings to your friendship/relationship, there are some loose strings you two already have in the picture: his ex and your ex. His ex is already an issue because you’re jealous of her, and your ex has a strong potential of being an issue because Mike is friends with him. And that means that your FWB situation was never actually without strings. Maybe it was even the string to your ex that attracted you to Mike in the first place. And I wonder what Mike thinks about that?
Anyway, go into this potential status change in your relationship with open eyes here. Even if you both want something similar in a relationship, you’re going to need to deal with the issue of your exes, and that’s going to require some (sober) open and honest communication – something I suspect will be a new addition to your relationship.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: Have some self-respect. I don’t know if he has feelings for you. You guys had coffee once, then he bailed, and then he seemingly only texts you when you text him first. Doesn’t appear to be very interested. Aside from that, he IS interested in his girlfriend, and you’d only have a chance with him if she could have kids — do you really want someone who’s only with you because something went wrong with his first choice? If you plan to run around looking for other men, then get a divorce.
LW1 You aren’t available for a relationship. You need to exit your marriage before you begin a new relationship. Ask yourself why you need to find the replacement partner before even leaving the current spouse. If you can’t live alone for a while that is a bad sign about your emotional development. You don’t need a man to take care of you. You don’t need a man to be a valuable woman. You don’t need a man to have someone to talk to and you don’t even need a man to have sex. You will end up in a much healthier, better relationship, if you allow yourself to be alone for a while and if you give yourself the time to be picky about the next man you allow into your life. You will do much better if you aren’t grasping at straws, taking whoever is available, in order to not spend a day alone.
LW1 – what is your end game here? If you say “I just want to be friends and reconnect!!” I think you’re lying to yourself. You enjoy the flirting and the flattery – things that you may not be getting from your not-so-good-according-to-you-marriage. You’re draining energy from your marriage. You’re not taking steps to make your marriage better or to move on.
If you need reassurance that you’re walking away from a bad relationship into a better one, I think you need to re prioritize. Walk away from a bad relationship because it’s a bad relationship.
LW1: I can understand how you might sentimentalize the past and reach out to an old boyfriend if you’re struggling in a bad marriage. It makes sense you might want to remind yourself that you’re desirable and there are other options out there. But, if you’re not happy in your marriage, you need to focus on either fixing it or ending it. Flirting around while you’re married is a dead end and a distraction.
Stop texting him. He’s flattered but has made it very clear that you’re a possible 2nd choice at best…IF his girlfriend decides she’d rather have children more than be with him. That’s less than anyone deserves. It’s not worth dangling on the line for a chance at sloppy seconds while his girlfriend makes up her mind. Figure out what you want as far as your marriage and focus on that.
LW1: you wonder if this guy has feelings for you: well, it is certainly not the great passion. I don’t understand this need to contact old boyfriends of high school. I wouldn’t be at all interested in going backwards, especially at the high school level.
LW#1 — Your letter reads like you are unhappy and desperate to escape your marriage, but lack the courage/financial ability to do so without a white knight. To reach decades back in your life to a guy who is in a relationship and already creating distance from you just emphasizes how much you are grasping at straws and how little you are doing to plan a separation/divorce from your husband. Work on yourself and make plans for your future, without this blast from the past — talk to a counselor on your own and also to a lawyer and a financial planner. Decide whether you are willing to live on your own for a while, while reconstructing your life and seeking a new partner, or whether you are willing to put up with your current marriage, because a divorce without a pre-planned next relationship is too frightening for you. What you are doing now is cheating on your husband and any family you have.
LW1, I’m going to quote your own letter back at you:
“. . . we always had a great connection, but for whatever reason timing never seemed to work out and we parted ways.”
The timing still isn’t working out. You’re both in relationships. Nothing has changed. It’s time to leave this guy in the past where he belongs.
And I would also advise for you to leave your marriage and be alone for at least 6 months; this looks like you’re scared of being alone and trying to line up a new relationship to jump to. It’s okay to be alone! And it’s also really important to have some alone time between relationships. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out, but the next relationship will have a much better chance of success if you take a breath to figure out who you are outside of your marriage.
(After 25 years LW 1 and old boyfriend are completely different. )
He is trying to be nice and not totally blowing you off…you are coming off as desperate. Plus he probably doesn’t want anything to do with the drama you have going on with your marriage. Don’t embarrass yourself that way. You don’t have to jump from one man to the other. It won’t kill you to be on your own for a while. If you really are planning on leaving your marriage…I hope you step back from your romantic fantasies and give you marriage a second look before giving up. (unless he is abusive, a cheat etc then run like the wind)
LW1: I feel bad for your husband. Do yourselves both a favor and start divorce proceedings, get therapy, re-establish your life as a single person, and find actually available men to pursue. Oh, and leave the former flame alone, he’s not into you and you’re making yourself look like an ahole.
LW2 skipped so lightly over the 🚩🚩drunk-call🚩🚩 part and Wendy did too. Make it a priority to address the part that alcohol plays in your life.
LW2 skipped so lightly over the 🚩🚩drunk-call🚩🚩 part and Wendy did too. Make it a priority to address the part that alcohol plays in your life.
LW2: he is “only friends” with his ex. Guess what he tells her about you? He is likely FWB both of you.