“I Refuse to Pay for My Daughter’s Wedding to Her Horrible Fiancé”
Once they were engaged a year ago, I presented them with a symbolic check (made out to “T…..’s Wedding”) that indicated the total amount which I would be contributing. He looked at the check and laughed, “Ha, I could save that much in a year, what with my bonuses.” One year later he has not saved one penny. However, they did purchase an expensive, luxury car.
A few days after I presented my symbolic check, Eric called me up screaming and yelling, calling me, “Cheap, cheap, cheap!!!” My 16-year-old car (still only has 68k miles) needed some work and he further went on to tell me that I had no right to be spending money on my car when his wedding was coming up. I told my daughter of his uncontrolled rant and it was so shocking to her that she just couldn’t believe that he would say such things to me, let alone scream them.
Three days later he called to apologize to me and admitted he had no right to tell me not to spend any money on my car. I accepted his apology, hoped it was just an isolated outburst and, if not, that enough time would pass before their wedding (next summer) that my daughter would have an opportunity to see such behavior firsthand. Since then she has been present as he’s gone ballistic on both a friend as well as his dentist for making him wait too long.
Over the last year he has continuously made snide remarks about how the wedding budget won’t go very far. But last week was the last straw for me. Realizing that my contribution was not going to cover all of the wedding expenses, I suggested cutting the guest list by 25 people. Eric screamed for 40 minutes that he was not going to cut his list while my daughter looked like she was about to burst into tears, and it was everything I could do to hold back my own.
I informed my daughter that I have decided to withdraw my offer to host and fund their wedding and her fiancé can have it any way he can afford. That puts me out the $1,500 I’ve already expended, but not one penny of their money would be lost. I love my daughter very much and I don’t want to hurt her any more than necessary to reclaim my dignity. She would be just as happy to go to City Hall, but he is strongly opposed to the idea and she wants to please him.
I have left the door open for further contributing to any specific items she would like me to gift to her, but I am done being mistreated by her fiancé and have no interest in helping make his dream wedding come to fruition. I am thinking of putting double the original amount aside for a divorce fund as I suspect, if it ends, it won’t be pretty and she will be penniless. My daughter has not reached out to me since and I know she is hurting. Any advice would be appreciated. — Fed Up With Narcissistic Groom
Your daughter’s fiancé is a first-rate asshole. He is boorish, self-centered, and cruel. Unfortunately, he is also the man your daughter is in love with and plans to marry. For whatever reason, he has a hold on your daughter, and, considering his controlling nature and what sounds like your daughter’s blind spot in regards to him, he could very well alienate you from her, which would be awful for you and even worse for her.
As hard as it will be, it’s in your daughter’s best interest if you remain civil with her fiancé. You can cross your fingers and hope she doesn’t actually make it down the aisle with this douche-nozzle, but, in the event that she does, he’s going to be your family and you’re going to have to accept him. You also don’t want to give him any ammunition to use in turning your daughter against you. In the event that she does marry this guy and it’s the awful marriage you imagine it will be, she’s going to need you more than ever.
So what should you do? I’d start with re-offering a contribution to your daughter’s wedding, with a caveat: you would like for it to be earmarked for items that are specifically for your daughter (her wedding dress, shoes, jewelry, hair stylist and makeup artist, manicure, etc.). Use shopping for a wedding dress as an opportunity to share in your daughter’s wedding-planning without her dictator of a fiancé breathing down your necks. Another idea is that you could earmark some (or all) of the money to host a a morning after breakfast for the out-of-town guests, which could be as simple (coffee and bagels) or extravagant as you wanted or could afford. This would be a way to take some ownership of part of the wedding festivities and be a true host and not just a contributor. It would also allow you to be more included in more of the weekend than just the “wedding proper.”
Finally, have a heart-to-heart with your daughter about how much you love her, how you want her to be happy and how, if this is the man who makes her happiest, you will accept him as long as he treats her well. Remind her that, if your finances were as limitless as your love for her, you would have no problem funding anything she might want for her wedding but that you hope she will take your generous offer to pay for her dress and wedding day styling as merely a symbol of your love and not the entirety of it. Once your offer is made, and hopefully accepted, the rest of the wedding-planning (and wedding-paying) is out of your hands and not your concern. As you said, your daughter’s fiancé can plan and pay for whatever he wants and can afford. Your job will simply be to show up and have your daughter’s back. I’m sure that part will be easy for you.
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This guy SUCKS. How does you daughter not see how horrible he is??
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I agree that it may be worth it to pay for specific things like the dress, but at the same time if you can’t afford it or if you just want to wash your hands of it, DON’T PAY FOR IT. You’re not obligated to help them pay for this wedding. You already gave them a check and it was wasted. Honestly, I wouldn’t pay for anything else. If they ask, explain you already made your contribution of $5000. I actually think a fund for if (when) she divorces him is a great idea. This will catch up to her eventually.
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The way I read the issue with the accommodations for out of town guests is that the fiance’s immediate family and the bridal party will be staying there, and the LW – if I interpreted correctly – feels that she should be staying there as well, as part of the bride’s immediate family. The other local guests are friends and not relatives of either her daughter or her fiance.
I think she has a point, depending on how the situation was approached. Was it specifically laid out that the cabins would be for out of town guests only or was it more unclear and he factored in his family staying there as well, but excluded her daughter’s family. Every wedding is different, but I do think its awkward to have the bridal party and the groom’s family to be staying at the same place for several days while the bride’s family is shuttling back and forth. Its not as if the LW lives 5 minutes away. That 45 minutes easily turns into a 2 hour commute every day for 3 days.
You know, the fiancé is most definitely a giant bag of dicks, but it’s her daughter who is marrying a man who acts like an entitled asshole and treats her mother this way. If my husband talked to my mom like this, we’d be in trouble. If he’d done it as my fiancé, we wouldn’t be married. And, as people who paid for their own wedding, the thought of demanding that your fiancé’s parents pay for it – much less shaming them because what they offered to pay won’t go as far as you want it to go – blows my mind.
LW, I liked Wendy’s suggestions about paying for her bridal ensemble, and the out of town guests’ breakfast.
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What you want to focus on now, is maintaining your relationship with your daughter. She will need you, now and down the road, and you’ll need to be a place of safety for her, given that she’s involved with an abusive lunatic. Right now, she no doubt feels trapped between you and him. She may well be having second thoughts about this marriage (I’d be surprised if she wasn’t), but pride and fear are getting in the way. Fear of looking like a fool, fear of losing someone she thought she loved. It’s HARD to call off a wedding.
Put aside your own pride, just for a bit. Reach out to her, say you’re sorry that things got so heated, and suggest that you get together for lunch to talk about some ways that you might contribute to the wedding. When you do talk, don’t make it about you and your wounded pride, or what an idiot her fiancé is. Bringing that up is only going to make her feel more trapped and defensive.
Keep telling yourself, “listen more than you talk”. Tell her that you love her, you’re worried about her, and you will always be there for her. And then listen. You want to be the safe place that she goes to when things are bad, and railing about her fiancé will prevent that from happening.
I liked all of Wendy’s advice and really hope you listen to it, LW. Paying for the dress, playing nice, etc. Don’t give this guy ammunition to continue trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Let her know you are there for her no matter what.
Whoever said personal finance classes – that too.
Another thought for the LW from personal experience: I attended a wedding several years ago of one of my best friends from high school. I stayed with her and the bridal party the weekend of the wedding, as it was in another state, and I sensed from the moment that I got there that something wasn’t right. I chalked it up to her parents, who had recently divorced, being in the same place for such an extended amount of time, and I let it go. A few months later, she admitted to her husband that she had been having an affair for about a year, and they broke up.
I wish I had asked her if something was wrong or even just said, half joking, “I’m your ride if you get cold feet”. Sometimes we can confide in a friend instead of a close relative, and I do feel that if I had asked her something, I may have gotten the truth out of her that weekend.
This guy is a total assbag, and your daughter is also being a jerk for NOT sticking up for you. If my “fiancee” was treating my mom like that, i’d not be calling him my “fiancee” for very much longer. Offer to pay for the wedding dress, and the brunch like wendy said. Forget the rest!
Dude is out of control! If it were my daughter I would probably go to war to prevent what could only be a disastrous marriage, but you seem like a more civilized person : )
Instead of saving up money for a future divorce, maybe you can ask your daughter privately to go to counseling with you? Getting feedback on this situation from an objective observer in a safe, neutral environment could be so helpful to both of you.
I agree with the others, but I think taking back the money you said you would provide them for the wedding is not going to help the situation at all. You already said you would provide that money, essentially giving it as a gift, and it sounds like you gave it with no strings attached. Removing it, I think, will only inflame the fiancee and cause more issues with your daughter. I think doing things like telling them it has to go to financial counselling or saving it for their divorce only undermines your daughter.
It sounds like you need to have a talk with her. Explain you aren’t paying for their whole wedding and that you aren’t feeling appreciated for your contribution. If it were me, I would re-gift the remaining money, but put limits on it (like things for your daughter- dress, shoes, makeup…).
That being said, the groom sounds like a horrible person and I hope you are able to keep providing support for your daughter in case she feels like backing out.
This man is exhibiting all of the signs of an abuser; he is already emotionally abusive and may easily descend into physical abuse (and may have already). Please follow Wendy’s advice, and moreover, make a point to be a resource for your daughter, day or night. He is using the wedding as his venue for manipulation over you and her; your loving support of her may be the only thing that gives her enough self-esteem to be able to back out.
I love Wendy’s idea of earmarking the money for your daughter. Especially because taking back the money is likely to cause more problems. The expectation that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding is incredibly sexist and something that really bothers me. There’s nothing wrong with parents helping, but it seems like the fiancé and your daughter can afford to contribute, which I think is another reason not to feel bad for not being able to pay for everything. That’s not your job. It’s their wedding. The fiancé sounds like he will be a groomzilla. I would focus on helping and supporting your daughter, which sometimes means supporting decisions of hers you don’t like. Maybe she’ll come around, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.
My partner’s sister married a man no one liked, he talked down to her, didn’t seem interested in engaging anyone, really selfish and impetuous, just an all around ass, but the parents still supported her so as not to alienate her for the inevitable fallout. Her mom kept the lines of communication open and so one day was not surprised to get the “Can I come to your house, I’m leaving “Asshat.” It all worked out, she left him, hired a lawyer and seems a lot happier.
My husband and i paid for our own wedding But we allow our parents to put in only 2.5k each. As we wanted to cover the majority of the costs, but wanted them to feel like they were chipping in. The wedding was small and only had about 60 people, venues were cheap but beautiful. I’m a stickler for sticking to the budget. My husband and I make enough to have a big lavish wedding, but we don’t see the point in it, since we just wanted our close friends and family there. I really don’t see how people who cant afford a wedding expect to have the most lavish of weddings. I dont think the Mother should put in any money for the wedding. That guy crossed the line and if her daughter doesn’t see it, helping her pay for the wedding wont help. Sounds like he is very abusive.
LW, do not go into debt for this. Do not put your retirement at risk. If you run out of money, you cannot rely on anyone else to take care of you, so put yourself first.
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Ok. Now I want to address earmarking the gift. I think this is a bad idea. It may give the appearance of driving a wedge between your daughter and her fiance, which will not endear you to either one. Your daughter may not want to spend the money on herself. If she chooses not to, that’s just going to further inflame you. Gifts with strings attached is not fair, and it is also an attempt to control the recipient. If you do decide to give anymore money toward this, please just cut the check and give it freely and cheerfully. The last thing your daughter needs is to be stuck between her awful fiance and her mother who is trying to control her with finances (and even if you are not trying to control her, or don’t think you are trying to control her, will she see it that way?).
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Good luck, I think the next eleven months are going to be a wild ride.
It seems like maybe you’ve never liked your daughter’s fiance. Maybe he’s always been this awful towards you (not just about the wedding). But, as a side note, you know a lot about their finances! Maybe too much? Talk to your daughter and let her know you want to be happy, but you refuse to be treated like crap. And if hearing about their choices in finances, etc makes you unable to be civil with him let her know you can’t hear that. If he’s treating her well and she’s happy, and even if he wasn’t, there isn’t a whole lot you can do other than protect yourself. And then letting her know you’re always there for her.
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The only people that have to pay for their wedding is them. If they don’t want to put the money in to it, then that is their problem. And honestly I wouldn’t worry about it, offer to pay for her dress or other things for her and then don’t engage with him about the wedding in the future.
I think I should add that I am scared shitless for my daughter. Once I began to suspect that he was a narcissist I started researching the subject and co-dependency personality popped up in relationship to that. She is such a delightful human being, extremely popular, her smile lights up a room. But, she has always tried to please others, always trying to be the keeper of the peace and has always had difficulties making decisions . And, I can see how she would be the perfect victim of a narcissist. I realize that the pull of romantic love is exceedingly strong and that she is caught in the middle of the two of us. I am sure that she is mortified over his treatment of me. Having raised her and her brother alone since she was 4 months old we are very close and she knows that I am a very capable and strong woman. In her gut she knows that I would not take his shit laying down. I can not change the situation, I can only react to it in the best way that I can for her long term sake. This site has been very helpful in trying to figure that out. Ultimately, I want her to know that my arms are always open for her, that if she walks away from him there will be no “I told you so”s from me, only acceptance, that she should not feel embarrassed or feel like a failure. How do you let her know this without condemning him or implying that this is what is likely to happen once she finds herself?
She’s lucky to have you as a mom. Good luck!
It sounds like you are a great, loving mother. With this added context, I would definitely heed Wendy’s advice. If you give him ammunition, he could potentially do some damage to your relationship with your daughter, especially given her “people-pleaser” personality.
I’d put the money in an emergency fund and add to it occasionally as a safety net in case the daughter decides to leave this guy. I mean can you imagine this person as a father figure? Terrifying. It’s unacceptable to treat your future mother in law like that. Also, the fact he would “go ballistic” on a dentist because he had to wait to long is shocking. Poor girl is probably afraid to leave or heavily manipulated into thinking his behavior is okay.
So can I just put a random thought out there? I don’t have firsthand experience with abusive/semi-abusive relationships, but it seems to be the prevailing advice on here that if your loved one is with an asshole or even abusive, you can’t say so or really involve yourself or you risk alienating your loved one. Is the advice really different if the person is an extreme jerk vs. actually abusive? It seems like there is grey area with what constitutes emotional abuse. And I dunno, even if someone is just a prick, I would feel awful if none of my friends or family said boo about it until I left him, and then suddenly everyone came out of the woodwork like, “oh yeah we always thought he was an ass, glad you finally left!” Honestly I feel like I would feel like such a blind idiot. Maybe in some cases and depending on the closeness of your relationship, it is worth alienating your friend temporarily in order to be honest?? I mean if you can’t be honest with your loved ones what is your relationship really based on? Not everyone would just cut you off for not liking their significant other? This whole issue really fascinates me. I understand holding back honesty if it’s going to do nothing but make someone feel bad, but also maybe in some cases the risk of pissing off or even losing a friend is worth not having to be around and support a total asshole…
Denise, you’re an amazing woman, and I hope that your lovely but people-pleasing daughter will come to her senses before too long. You seem to have an excellent handle on what is “off” about this monstrous man. Best to you and your daughter!
ORIGINAL POSTER UPDATE
I’d like to thank everyone who responded. Some really great advise!
The wedding ended up being postponed as they moved 2,000 miles away for his new job opportunity.
2 years ago I got a crying phone call from her asking me to fly out and drive back across the Country with her. I ran over to my next door neighbor’s house and we did a little jig and then she drove me to the airport. My daughter was an emotional basket case and lost 20 lbs the first 2 weeks she was back home. She refused look at another man for an entire year! But, here is the good news ladies – she met a wonderful guy while hiking with friends from work and they have been happily together ever since.
So, I write this to thank those of you whose advise was helpful to me and to give hope to other mothers and to young girls who think they may never love again.
Such a good update LW! Hope your daughter continues to heal from being with that horrible monster. And she gets the love she deserves with the new guy.
This update has made my day! Hooray for all this, and I sincerely hope the asshat ex is as miserable as he deserves to be for the rest of his life!