Reply To: Ended an Unhealthy Relationship and Having a Hard Time Letting Go

Oh man. Yeah, you need to speak to a therapist. Even if you had friends you felt comfortable confiding in about this (your reasoning for not talking to them is kinda suspect, btw), you sound like you need professional support. Everyone is correct that universities offer counseling and psychological services and I’m sure they’ve seen plenty of younger people struggling to navigate their first big breakup (which is what I am assuming this is). You have what seem like pretty serious issues with your mom/family and codependency(?) going on with your ex. You need to get mentally healthy and a trained mental health professional can help.

I have not had a breakup that I think is similar to this, but after my worst breakup, I felt like I was going insane. I caught my now-ex cheating, he told a hundred lies, things ended, he did not go gently into the night despite him being in a new relationship with the other woman, and on the rare occasion that I’d voice my hurt he’d pretty much tell me I was overreacting. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. Pretty much all of my energy went into getting me through work everyday. It was bad, but I definitely made some mistakes, notably allowing him any amount of access to me. It took me several months to block him and I only did that after things kinda came to a head. When I did, things started improving. He took up head space still, and did for awhile, but less and less as time passed. I started building a new routine: walks after work, cooking at home, volunteering. During this time, I applied for a job in one of my dream cities and got it, so I moved and had the freshest of fresh starts. I got into therapy here (GAME CHANGER). I took up running and am now a marathoner. I made new friends. I tried every hobby that interested me. I still volunteer. I eventually met my current partner.

Right now you’re drinking the poison but wondering why you’re sick and not getting better. You need to stop drinking the poison. You will never heal where you are now. You let go of an ex the way you tackle every other big task — a little bit at a time. It’s hard and it’s sad — pretty much everyone goes through it at some point — but you need to get out of your own way. You’re already blocked everywhere, so it’s time to block him on any last avenues you might be tempted to reach out. Stop paying attention to what he’s doing. Stop speculating about his healing — focus on your own. I remember thinking my ex moved on seamlessly without a second thought about me, but about two years out from our breakup it became evident that he was still creeping my FB even though I’d never unblocked him… which means he was seeking me out either on a fake account or using someone else’s account or by searching for me logged out. By that point he’d married and procreated with the woman he’d been cheating on me with. He and his wife were a very odd presence in my social media world for like six or seven years. Do I know what he was thinking or feeling or looking for online? No. Not my problem. Your ex is going to go through whatever emotions he’s going to go through, and it’s not your business or concern. Your focus needs to be on you. Start setting small daily goals for yourself. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and making it every morning to give yourself a good start. Cry if you need to, cry as much as you need to… but don’t reach out. Join a new club, meet some new people, lean into the ones who already know and love you. Whatever you choose to do, though, make sure the steps you are taking are leading you forward, even if it’s only in inches.

ETA: I also remember thinking I’d never get over my first serious boyfriend. I did. To the point that when a mutual acquaintance mentioned, yeaaars later, that she’d heard he’d gotten married, my reaction was: “Who the heck would marry that guy? Ew.” You’d be surprised how clearly you eventually see people when you lose your emotional attachment to them.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Copa.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Copa.