“I Wasn’t Named as a Co-Host on the Invitation Even Though I Am”
Wow, that was incredibly rude of your son’s future mother-in-law and sister-in-law to not include you as a host on the bridal shower invitation! That said, it’s not worth making a big deal about despite your understandably hurt feelings. These people will be your son’s family — and, to an extent, your extended family — and it’s better to take the high road and try to retain a cordial relationship with them. You don’t want to let it completely slide, though, and you should make sure there wasn’t a misunderstanding on your part. Have you already paid for your 10 guests? If so, I might say something like, “I’m sorry if I misunderstood, but did I adequately cover the cost of my shower guests? I was confused by the invitation and just wanted to make sure I hadn’t overlooked my end of hosting duties. Please let me know if there’s anything I can help with. I’m really looking forward to celebrating the bride and helping to welcome her to our side of the family!” This will get the message across without being unnecessarily aggressive and will give the mother and sister of the bride a chance to apologize profusely if they have any tact whatsoever.
Short answer: yeah, kind of. I mean, your cousin knows you live abroad and presumably knows you have a boyfriend. If a plus one were welcome, an invitation for a plus one would have been extended. You don’t know what kind of shuffling might have to be done to make room for just one more. And anyway, the wedding is about the couple getting married, not about you introducing your boyfriend to the family. Use the days before and after the wedding for that and let your boyfriend use the 5 or 6 hours you’ll be at the wedding and reception to catch up on sleep (or sight-seeing on his own!) — I’m sure after 20+ hours of travel, he’ll be happy with either.
A gift isn’t obligatory to a vow renewal ceremony or even expected in the same way a regular wedding gift is often expected, but it’s always a nice thought to bring a gift to any function where you’re a guest and someone is footing the bill for your food and entertainment. If you have it in your budget, a bottle of champagne (if you know they drink) or a restaurant gift card would be thoughtful. A nice card with a handwritten message would totally suffice if your budget is tight or if the invitation specifically said “no gifts.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
A Shortcuts where everyone is actually sane. I actually have a question on the “no gifts” comment on cards. We’re going to a wedding in 2 weeks where they said “no gifts” on the invitation. The couple has plenty of savings and this is the bride’s second marriage, so I understand. But I feel terribly awkward showing up empty handed. Any advice?
A really nice card. Like, that’s all I would do. You can get the most expensive Papyrus card and write something really nice in it. But my suspicion with people who say “no gifts” is that they really don’t want gifts. Like, they don’t want more STUFF around their house. So no matter what you get them, it’s still stuff. Do you know that they drink? Do you know what they drink? Because if someone got me a nice bottle of wine (assuming a world in which gf and I keep alcohol in the house, which we consciously don’t) I still might not like that bottle, you know?
When we went to a “no gift” wedding, we instead made a charitable contribution in the couples name – and put the “certificate” in the card. We knew the couple well, so we knew what types of organizations they were already supporting.
Maybe a small experience gift instead of a physical gift then. Like a nice card with a gift card to go see a movie, or a gift card to a restaurant.
Re LW2’s situation, could she (casually and tactfully and what-have-you) mention to her cousin something along the lines of, “So excited for your wedding, blah blah, my BF is accompanying me on the drive to the wedding and is looking forward to just chilling in the hotel room – probably much needed alone time after the long trip and meeting tons of new people – but of course if there are any last-minute cancellations and you want or don’t mind my boyfriend filling in, let me know…” …. Because aren’t there always at least a couple last minute cancellations? And assuming there was not a personal reason for excluding the BF – like maybe the bride slept with him, like Monica on Friends! – the bride and groom couldn’t possibly mind him taking the no-show’s spot. And if oops the bride forgot to expressly state “plus one”, then that could be her chance to say “oh I just assumed he’d be coming too!” …. I dunno. Weddings, they’re so hard.
While I don’t think LW2 should actually do anything, I think it’s pretty rude to not invite the boyfriend. IMO, not inviting part of a social unit (which LW and BF clearly see themselves as) is pretty sucky, and “plus one” is more for people who don’t see themselves as part of a social unit (aka single) and means than can just bring whom ever.
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But yeah LW, if anything mention he’ll be in town with you, but I don’t think you can ask for an invitation for him.
My cousin got married in February and she had accidentally forgotten to put “and guest” on my invitation, but at her shower she had been talking about how every cousin would be getting a plus one. I messaged her quick because I wanted to bring Navy Guy, and she said that yes, he was invited, it had just been an oversight on her part. I think there is a tactful way to ask, a simple “Hey, my boyfriend is in town too, would it be possible for him to come? If not, it’s totally cool, I just wanted to double check!” Especially if the LW is close to her cousin I don’t think it would be a big deal.
About letter 2– As we talked about the other day, some people are super close with their cousins, other people barely know theirs. In this case we dont’ know how close the LW and the cousin are. For all we know they’re not close at all, but the LW is just taking advantage of the wedding as a way to get to see all her family at once and make the most out of her trip home. Her cousin might not even know that she has a boyfriend for all we know! I would just leave it alone. He’s not invited.
Another solution for LW2 is not to bring the boyfriend along to the town where the wedding is going to take place. She has at least 2 days before the wedding to introduce him to her family. Then she’d be away for one day. He could stay at her family’s house or at a hotel in her family’s town during that time. If I’m reading correctly the bf also lives in the foreign country where LW2 is at the moment, so it’s not like they’re only reunited for a few days and have to make the most of that time. If I were LW2’s boyfriend, I’d probably use the time during the wedding to do some exploring on my own. It’s not necessary for him to be constantly by her side.
My sister had a situation sort of like the “cousin asking for a plus one thing” for her wedding. She was getting married in the state she lives in, but none of our family lives there as well, everyone else is in California. She invited my aunt, her boyfriend, and my two cousins in their early 20s. My aunt called her to ask for a plus one for my cousin’s girlfriend, who my sister had never met, and my sister said no, they wanted to keep the guest list to only people they’d actually met and to keep the list down. My aunt then called AGAIN to ask for a plus one for my cousin and my sister basically said “no, stop trying to make me feel guilty about this, the invitations were sent as we wanted them.” And then my aunt, who had already RSVPed yes, and her two kids, who didn’t bother to RSVP, didn’t come.
But that is only the tip of the iceberg of stories about how my aunt is horrible.
I don’t remember that but that definitely wasn’t my sister because she knew beforehand that my aunt and cousins weren’t going to come, even though she RSVPed yes and said she’d bought her plane tickets but obviously hadn’t. But, it turned out for the best because nobody wanted the aunt or cousins there anyways!
But yeah, she is a real piece of work, including cursing out my mom who is basically the kindest, most patient person on the planet.
I’m a little bit hungover so I’m just going to leave a comment and then read through everything when my eyes aren’t googly. Here’s what we did, if it helps: for plus ones, we included spouses, engaged, living together and long-term relationships (our cut off was one year). I have 32234832479324 family members and our wedding would have been insane if we didn’t create some sort of guidelines for the guest list. I definitely had people asking about plus ones the week of and the DAY OF the wedding, which I strongly urge everyone not to do, unless you want a cake topper shoved where the sun don’t shine.
I feel like the cousins must be close if she was invited the wedding AND planning to attend and travel from another country. I certainly wouldn’t do that for someone I wasn’t close with. So I guess there’s a reason she didn’t get a plus one. I think it’s rude not to get one, but I definitely wouldn’t ask about it, especially not so close to a wedding. And if the cousin didn’t know she had a boyfriend, then she doesn’t know you well enough and probably didn’t care to invite a plus one for someone she didn’t know well.
I invited people only that I really wanted there (and plus ones I may not know) so I only ended up inviting one cousin. I’m not close with any of my other cousins and in my family it’s not expected at all for extended family to be invited to a wedding so I have a hard time understanding that. Could be a cultural thing because it seems really common here.
So last year I went to a coworker’s wedding and a group of is were all invited, traveled together, etc. One of the guys wanted to bring a girl he was dating casually. (Like they had been on 5 dates, he was still seeing other people). I had to explain to him that he couldn’t show up to a wedding with some random girl when he didn’t have a plus one. His logic was that he had a girlfriend when the couple got engaged, and she would have been invited, so there should still be a space for a date. His previous relationship ended 6 months before invites were sent. Multiple people in my office agreed that plus ones are often implied. It blew my mind. What would happen if people show up with random dates when they aren’t given a plus one?