It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have had an affair with a man for six years, and suddenly he wants to end it. He still calls randomly and we usually have sex, but then he doesn’t contact me for a while–and then he will. I have asked him if we could just hang out and watch a movie, but his answer is “maybe.” He claims he has not been with anyone else, but I found Viagra in his nightstand that he said that was “just in case.” Hmmm, I’m confused. — Not Some Rando
I’m confused by your confusion. What is not to understand? You are this guy’s booty call — probably one of many. He has no interest in watching a movie with you or otherwise “hanging out.” He just wants to bang you and that’s it. Lots of men use Viagra to increase their sexual pleasure, last longer, etc. The Viagra itself is not necessarily a sign he isn’t committed to you, but the fact that he doesn’t want anything to do with you other than have random sex when, and only when, it’s convenient for him IS. MOA.
I was with my ex for over two months and everything seemed to be going so well — he was even talking about taking me away in the summer. My ex was always very romantic with me and always surprised me by taking me out for nice meals and complimenting me. Around four weeks ago, he ended things suddenly and has now become very friendly with my sister’s best friend (whom I also consider a friend). She reassured me that it was just a “friendship thing” and that she had no interest in him as she already has a boyfriend. All of a sudden last week she broke off her relationship, and a few days later I saw her with my ex in a club! I then got a message from my ex at 4 a.m. the next morning asking how I was, and he messaged me throughout the afternoon saying he’d been thinking about me a lot. I was starting to get over my ex until all of this started happening, and now I just don’t know what to do. — Getting Over It
Your “ex,” if you can even call someone you dated for a few weeks an ex, wasn’t ready to commit to you. He wants to still date around — and, yes, that includes your sister’s best friend. If you don’t want to share him, MOA. There’s really no reason a relationship that lasted two months should be so difficult to get over.
My boyfriend and I have been talking for a little under three years. We have a beautiful son together and are planning on getting our own place. We started off as friends, and we had a cool friendship even though he was in a relationship with someone else. He had an ex before her whom he contacted every once in a while, and now he’s doing the same thing with me even though I asked him not to (and he doesn’t want me talking to my ex). He’s honest with me when I ask him if they are still communicating, but he deletes their conversations. I don’t know if I’m putting too much thought into it or not because he claims he just likes her friendship. Could that be the case? — Started as Friends
Well, he liked your friendship once too, and now you’re in a relationship with a kid. So I suspect you don’t trust him because he has a history of shady behavior and you’ve had a front row seat for it. Beyond that, if you’ve been together for three years and have a son with him, I hope you’re doing more than “talking.” At any rate, the two of you need to work on trust and better communication–and then move on if you can’t establish both of these within the next year.
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Oof, I so empathize with LW2. I dated my first “girlfriend” (a strong word for it) for about a month and a half, and I ruminated over it FOREVER. Like, it took a way disproportionate amount of time to deal with my feelings. I couldn’t just MOA. Here’s what I didn’t do that LW2 should do: cut contact entirely, defriend on facebook, delete his number, date other people.
But LW2, I totally feel you.
Yeh I’ve been hung up on people who were relatively minor experiences, it happens to all of us. Also, I would be hurt if one of my friends starting spending a lot of time with (and probably hooking up with) one of my ex’s, even if we had only dated for 2 months. My friends and I NEVER dated the same guys. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Like Christy said, to get over an ex you need to cut off all contact.
I’ve been there, too, and it sucks. But I’ve also been on the other side of the situation and it’s really creepy/funny. About 10 years ago I dated a guy for 6 weeks and decided I wasn’t into him. I ended things in a kind but final manner and he responded with an email titled “final thoughts” where he complained about me ending things so abruptly when we’d shared such a wonderful journey together. That was the funny part. The creepy part was that he said he talked to a group of his (hippie, new age) woman friends and they said my desire to end things might have been tied to the fact that I’d just started back on the pill, and he urged me to consider going off the pill and giving him another chance. That was way too much drama for 6 weeks. Christy is right – cutting off all contact and moving on is the way to go.
I agree with all of you about LW2. I almost have a harder time getting over someone in short relationships than in longer. Not sure why that is. Maybe because I or we finally realized we really like one another but know it won’t work forever. And in the shorter ones, I don’t get the chance to figure that out. Also, on the short ones, the guy usually ended it and on the longer ones, I do the ending. Hmm.
I also have to say, even though he wasn’t my “boyfriend” and we only dated a few months, I’m having a little bit of a hard time getting over the kid.
I know exactly what you mean…it’s like the relationship didn’t even get off the ground and suddenly it’s over. So it’s more like you’re mourning what could have been than what it actually was.
YES! I think that’s it. And it also stings a little when it just ends and you don’t know what you really did. Rationally, I know I did nothing and it’s better to find out sooner if someone isn’t into you. But emotionally, it sucks.
Ugh, I took forever to get over this guy I was “hanging out” with for like, 6 weeks in college. Part of the problem is that we were good friends before we started whatevering, so when it ended, I still had a front row seat for the other girls he went on to date. So definitely seconding Christy’s recommendation to cut off contact. I imagine it makes things so much easier.
It’s FRIDAY… let’s remove our palms from our faces and Enjoy Sweden with our LWs shall we 🙂
I’ve seen this “enjoy sweden” saying a lot lately! Is this from the letter writer in the forums who was living with her boyfriend in Sweden and trying to get that other guy to dump his poor, sick girlfriend?
You got it!
Anyone else getting a real “cool girlfriend” vibe from LW3?
Like- I’m such a cool girlfriend because it doesn’t bother me that the guy that I am “talking with” also has really shady convos with his ex. Because I’m a COOL GIRLFRIEND
In some of my circles, it’s common to use “talking” as another way of saying hooking up, dating casually, etc. But no one I know would refer to their actual boyfriend as someone they’re “talking to,” especially if they have a child together!
I’m with Christy and Kerry on this one…I’ve taken a breakup with someone I had only dated a few months very hard more than once. For me, I think it had to do with the fact that I had such a hard time finding someone I actually liked, so when I did, it was like the end all, be all. Also, in both cases, the guys were super into me – no shady BS while we were together – and then all of a sudden they were done. So that was a tough pill to swallow, too.
How does anyone find this crap appealing? If I were dealing with all this bullshit, I’d just throw my hands in the air and stop “dating.” What a fucking waste of time over nothing!
Some of these may seem inconsequential to us, but it isn’t to the LWs. As long as the LWs learn something through all of this, it isn’t a waste of time. I’ve made mistakes while dating that I’m not super proud of, but I learned something from those experiences so I don’t consider it a waste of time. I do think they all need to aim higher, but I don’t think calling their dating experiences a waste of time will help them.
No, no, I’m not calling their dating experience a waste of time. I’m calling THIS nonsense a waste of time. Great, you dated, you got whatever you got out of it, and now you are making yourself crazy over it in the aftermath? That’s what is a waste of time to me. Go have some fun. Stop ruminating in the whys and ifs and just go have some fun. Stop thinking about the past or inviting drama.
I honestly just don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it. This sounds like a version of hell…all the thinking and worrying and wondering and obsessing. It just doesn’t seem worth it to me (dating) if it results in this stuff. I’d rather just not date.
I had a lot of inner turmoil as a teenager and dating/breaking up intensified that. When you are a teenager everything is the end of the world so navigating relationships can be difficult. I’m not sure how it is as an adult since I’ve been with Mr. Grass since I was a teenager but there was a lot of drama involved in my dating when I was younger.
I can understand enjoying the drama of it all as a teenager. Gives you something to talk about haha. But, and I’m really just being honest, I don’t understand how some people would rather this stuff as opposed to just being alone. Its so easy being alone!
Yeah, I think if you’re so caught up in bullshit that you can’t see it for the bullshit that it is, it’s time to let it go and move on. I do think fear of being alone makes people deal with bullshit longer than they should. I’d rather be alone and wait for someone who doesn’t drag me through bullshit. Also, bullshit.
It really is a waste of time. I went through that drama crap for YEARS after breaking up with my first college boyfriend. And it was horrible. Just a horrible waste of time. He didn’t want to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me? Then he got married, and I still wasted all this time over it. But when you’re going through all that crap it’s really hard to see how stupid it all is.
Gotcha, that makes more sense. Just a misunderstanding on my end.
This is pretty awesome.
LW1: is upset that the guy she is cheating on her husband/boyfriend with only wants her for a booty call.
LW2: I don’t know, just sounds like the trials, and tribulations of young people. You weren’t really dating but you were, and then he tries to date somebody who is close to you but not that close, and then when he is drunk he misses you. Sounds like early 20’s to me.
LW3: if you describe your 3 year relationship with the father of your child as “talking” I have to assume you guys are just staying together for the kid. Also probably very young as well, or may have a mullet. You should give him a rule that he only has to abide by too, like he has to stay in on weekends, and watch the kid while you get to go out with your girlfriends or something like that.
MULLETS ARE PEOPLE, TOO.
Bagge- if you moved down south, you’d see the REAL mullets. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen one in its natural habitat- a Walmart. You don’t get them up north. You even see lady-mullets (she-mullets to the scientific community) if you look hard enough.
I once had a patient who was a full grown man with a rat tail. RAT TAIL.
Haha true I might not to get to see them a whole lot, but we have a vacation house in the backwoods of NH which is big on the mullet scene when it comes to the North, but I assume it is still small in comparison to what I would see if I were down south haha! Though there were a lot of female kids when I was growing up with mullets.
Having been to both places, NH is like a case study, but it’s an epidemic down here.
I’m from NH originally. It’s a very special place. My dad believes that my brother was switched at birth with the baby of this 13-year-old hillbilly girl from the north backwoods of the state.
I see tons in the Midwest. Walmart, the State Fair, anywhere rural really… but the most extreme mullet I’ve ever seen was at a Styx concert. Haha.
I went to a Styx concert in Florida once. The aged rocker mullets were the best!
And State Fairs always bring out the most interesting hair styles, mullets or other.
In Missouri we call them Fem-Mullets not she-mullets. Perhaps a difference in regional dialects?
You mean Missourah.
In MN, we call lady-mullets “femullets” rather than “she-mullets.” Now I am trying to decide which word I like better. And once I saw an amazing father/son mullet combo at a Walmart on the south side of Chicago. It took my breath away.
Gods, I haven’t seen a rat tail since I was in 8th grade.
Bagge, your description of LW2’s situation is literally me and every guy I was ever involved with in college (well, other than the one I’m still with, obviously). LW2…look, it sucks now, but you’ll have really great brunch stories later, I promise. Unless you’re older than your early twenties, in which case it may be time to reexamine how you meet and choose the people you date.
I totally read the headline as “I found a vagina in his nightstand.”
That would be pretty incriminating. That’s why I hide all my vaginas carefully from my wife’s prying eyes.
i wonder what jake would say tonight if i said “well, we can…but you have to find it!”
Shortest game of hide and seek ever.
Ladies, you do realize that when a guy calls you asking for a booty call that you don’t have to yes?
Whattttt?!
Why would you ruin everything for the guys like that?!
But then how else do you get guys to date and begin a serious relationship?
I love Wendy’s “if you don’t want to share him, MOA”. Yesss, so many people try to “get” their SO to stop being shady, but really, you’re the one who should change your behavior (by moving on) if you don’t like it. Because obviously they don’t want to stop hanging out/talking to/banging/dating others.
Is “talking” what the kids use these days to mean “dating”? I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere. It’s somewhat hilarious.
Anyway, why in the world do people not want their SO’s talking to exes? I don’t get it — that’s like saying, “Oh, and by the way if we break up, we should stop caring about each other forever because exes are dangerous zomg.” Seems like a sad way to think of romance as completely disconnected from friendship. Unless there’s a VERY good reason for it (like the ex is a drug dealer, a stalker, or otherwise legitimately dangerous, and in that case why date someone who wants to hang out with drug dealers, you know?). But one good reason to forbid it would be “Uh, hello, you don’t want me talking to MY ex.” So LW3, why does your boyfriend think he can get away with imposing a rule on you that he doesn’t follow himself? Because he’s the man? Because he’s right and you’re wrong? Because he’s rubber and you’re glue? I just don’t get it — and I don’t get why you let him get away with it. I wouldn’t worry about his ex. Worry about the fact that he has a giant, blaring double standard that he’s not even trying to cloak in fairness.
my sister uses “talking” to mean something under dating? like i asked her about this guy, and she was like, well, were just talking… not dating or anything yet.
yeah I thought I had heard that that was slang! I still find it hilarious b/c like, clearly you’re also literally talking to lots of people that you have no intention of dating. But maybe that explains LW3’s boyfriend’s not wanting her “talking to” her ex… maybe he thinks she’d be TALKing to him, not just talking to him.
Honestly, I didn’t understand that letter. Too much talking and apparently TALK-talking. Am I just old and out of touch? I don’t “get” the first letter either. What does she mean by “affair” and what does Viagra have to do with anything?
I don’t think you’re old and out of touch. I think you’re mature and letters like this don’t really deal in maturity. 🙂 But I still feel for the LWs… the first one has major self-esteem issues, the second is clearly very young, and the third is basically screwed and is probably going to be left alone with her baby pretty soon. Sigh.
Ha! I might be mature in some areas, but I have the humor of a 14-year-old boy. Dick and fart jokes all around.
“maybe he thinks she’d be TALKing to him, not just talking to him” –haha. because that makes…. sense…?
idk. I think I do something similar with “seeing.” I literally see lots of people that I have no intention of dating, but I still would say, “yeah, I’m seeing him” to mean “dating him.”
Haha I know, it’s such an old-fogey thing for me to say. “But that’s not what talking MEEEEEEANS.” Like my generation didn’t do the same exact thing with “hooking up,” “hanging out,” “like –> LIKE-like,” the list goes on!
I never thought of how funny “seeing” could be if someone took it literally!
“Seeing” makes more sense to this old lady.
Talking to might be a southern-ism. I learned it in Tennessee, and no one uses it in the PNW.
I think people use talking the way I use hanging out…like you’re not dating, you’re not exclusive, you’re probably hooking up, there’s maybe potential there. Course, i usually used it when its still really early and you don’t know what it is yet. This LW has a kid and several years with him…if ever there was a time for a define the relationship talk, they passed it years ago.
And they’re getting a place together! So they can talk more often, I guess.
HAHAHAHA. I’m an old lady too, b/c that cracks me up.
I think shorter relationships can often be harder to move on from. A short relationship where everything is wonderful and suddenly ends is more traumatic than a long relationship that’s been circling the drain. My 4 year relationship ended and it felt like I was free. A year later, a 4 month thing ended and it sucked. It was harder for me to rationalize. (For example, “we aren’t compatible because of this” or “whatever is a major issue in our relationship”).
It’s interesting how when some don’t like the bald reality of what is actually going on in their relationships — they simply dream up entire narratives for what is going on in them that are largely fsntasies. All three of these LWs seem disconnected from rather obvious realities…
Mark! My daughter reminded me of you last night…
we were at a store last night and the girl checking us out was talking to a coworker asking him this: “i was looking thru my fiance’s phone and saw he texted someone asking if they wanted to cuddle. should i be worried?” so lil just gives me the side eye.
when we get outside, she starts laughing and goes ‘mom, i got home and the house was on fire. should i be worried?
and then she goes, in response to this girl, “well if you are wondering if you should be worried about that, you should probably be more worried about being an idiot.”
Wow. Way to go, Lil!
Lilbitbittergaymark.
.
haha
Indeed. It amazes me how deliberately dumb some can be about their relationships. Clearly, it already amazes lil as well. Her analogy is dead on. 🙂