I have been dating a married man since last year October. He was all sweet and caring, calling and texting everyday. I was living with my auntie then but wanted to move. Within my budget, I was moving into a small house. He asked me to move to a bigger one in which he would support me. I did move last month and, when end of the month came, I asked for the rent twice. He sent it, but he hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been two weeks now and he usually never goes for more than two days without communicating. Did I appear needy? What pushed him away? — Dating a Married Man
On behalf of all women who have had their partners cheat on them with women who knew the men were emotionally and physically unavailable, you’re a disgrace. That money your sleaze-bag boyfriend spent on your rent? That belongs to his wife. How do you even sleep at night in your big home that is paid for with another woman’s money? (and do they have kids? Because if that do, that money should be going toward summer camp, piano classes, and college tuition — not your rent.) Move out and move on already. This guy is not yours to even cry over.
My partner of over twenty-four years has taken to going off on the weekends and returning on a Monday evening. He usually sends a text to say he is working late on Friday and then doesn’t turn up again until Monday. He claims he doesn’t need to tell me where he is as he’s an adult. This has been happening since last August. I have asked him to leave on numerous occasions, but he refuses, saying this is his home. This is making me miserable, and I feel his behavior is unacceptable and unfair. If I text or call, he doesn’t reply or answer, frustrating me more. He can’t want to be with me as we don’t do anything together at all and we have no signs of love or affection between us. Why won’t he go and why won’t he be honest with me as to where and with whom he stays? What can I do with someone who won’t respond apart from saying he’s not moving out? — No Signs of Love or Affection
If you’re married, get thee to a divorce attorney asap. If you’re not married, you should move out one weekend when he’s MIA. Or, if his name isn’t on the lease, you can throw his crap outside and change the locks. If his name is on the lease or you own a home together, talk to a lawyer about what recourse you have. But, clearly, on a strictly emotional level, this relationship is over. All that is left to do is make sure you’ve got your legal and financial ducks in a row for the final phase of this break-up. He’s been avoiding you and avoiding moving out because he’s afraid of the financial loss he’ll have in your break-up.
I am having a problem with my ex and my friends. We broke up because he was cheating on me, and now my friends are going out with him and his new girl and I don’t feel comfortable with it. I know I can’t say anything to them because it’s not my place to tell anyone who they can hang out with, but I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. I really want to stop being friends with these people although I know it’s probably because I feel insecure and jealous. What should I do? — Jealous and Insecure
It may not be “your place” to tell people who they can and cannot hang out with, but you sure as shit can say it hurts your feelings that your friends would hang out with the guy who cheated on you and the girl he cheated with. Whether they care about your feelings or not is another matter and may help you determine whether you want to continue being friends with them.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Happy Friday, all, and happy Mother’s Day (my new favorite holiday!) eve eve!
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LW1 – You’re a disgrace … and a horrible, horrible person. Get a job. Support yourself. Don’t take money from people. Done.
LW2 – If the home really is “his home” as he says – and if you’re not on the lease – I’d pack up and move out during a weekend he is away and not answering his phone. Ideally, the lease, the bills, etc. are all in his name and you can disappear! After 24 years, though, that’s not likely the case, and I am sure some of your stuff (house, finances, accounts and whatnot) (maybe most of your stuff?) are in both of your names. If that’s the case, definitely talk to a lawyer.
I hit submit too soon.
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LW3 – How do you know your friends are hanging out with your ex and his new girlfriend? Maybe it’s splashed on Facebook? Maybe they’re telling you all about it, completely insensitive to how it makes you feel? That’s mean. I’d try to surround myself with new friends – whether they’re “new” new or old friends you haven’t seen in awhile, so long as they’re different than the ones you used to hang out with with your ex. Some break-ups require breaking up with everything and starting anew.
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Also, happy mother’s day eve eve (again, because, again, it’s my new favorite holiday).
Happy Mother’s Day eve-eve to you! I went to a group that I attended while on maternity leave on Tuesday (its run through one of our local hospitals and gives moms and babies a safe space to socialize and talk about important and applicable topics – they have a 0-3 month, 3-6 and 6-9 month group and now a 9-12 month social hour which is what I attended) and they gave all the moms a little vase with flowers in it. It was awesome 🙂
Thank you, Wendy, for telling it like it is to LW1. I get really tired of women who knowingly date married/attached men and then claim they’re not doing anything wrong. “But it’s his responsibility to stay faithful to his wife. It’s not my fault that he didn’t.” Bullshit. That goes for men, too, I just seem to hear this more from women. Both parties are equally sleazy and equally responsible.
LW1 – You willingly moved into a house you could not afford because your married boyfriend promised to take care of you? Seriously? In all likelihood this guy promised you the moon because he could and would not make any type of commitment to you and now that he actually is faced with supporting you, he is pulling a ghost. I hope you can break your lease and move to someplace that YOU can afford and take this as a lesson that sleeping with unavailable men is never a good idea.
LW2 – You can hire a forensic accountant and PI to track down what your husband is doing on the weekend though I can promise you it is shady as fuck (seriously get STI tested as well). If you are in a fault state that information will be instrumental in a divorce – and while this might not be the route you want to take, your husband has emotionally and physically abandoned you and refuses to addresses his behavior. Go talk to a divorce attorney NOW because they can better inform you on your legal rights to property, spousal support, etc. Also, you need to assess if your husband might become violent and take any needed recourse such as restraining orders and women’s shelter, I feel really uncomfortable with the behavior your husband is displaying especially when confronted with his disappearances.
LW3 – When you break up there is often a wider path of destruction than just the two people involved. Mutual friends often take sides. Your friends have sided with your ex and his new girlfriend and while that is painful and unfair, for your own sake I would let those relationships go as well. As someone mentioned above, take this as a time to reconnect with other people because if they are aware that your BF cheated on you with his new girlfriend and still want to hang out with the two of them, are they really friends you want to have in your life anyway?
LW1: He’s not your boyfriend.You can’t have a boyfriend who’s legally married to someone else. You are a sidepiece. I believe the old term was “kept woman.” As in, a woman who has her expenses paid by a man in order to have her more conveniently available when he wants sex, or so he has a more comfortable place to hang out while he’s screwing around. Your guy has realized that he can’t hide the rent payments from his wife, or he has something else he’d rather spend the money on. That’s why he’s disappeared. He’s decided you’re not worth the money you’d cost.
Do you have ANY self-respect? At all? That you would allow yourself to be used this way? Or are you just too lazy to work and earn your own rent?
Think about this: since it’s 2016, it’s likely that his wife works. Which means that he was probably taking money she earned to pay for his sidepiece. Would you like that? If your husband took money that you worked hard for and was paying some other woman’s rent with it? You’d think he was a dirtbag and a thief, right? Is that what you want in a “boyfriend?”
LW1, here is what I hope happened, if there is any justice in the world- your boyfriend sent the rent for May. Mrs. Boyfriend then went to buy tires for her minivan and discovered that there was a significant amount of money missing from the savings account. Mrs. Boyfriend confronted Boyfriend, who admitted he is a manipulative bastard who payed for his side chick to rent a pad. He then realized, as she was burning his clothes in the backyard and cutting holes in the crotch of all of his pants, that Mrs. Boyfriend was really the best thing that ever happened to him. The two of them are now in marriage counseling, and will be spending your rent money aboard a cruise ship in Jamaica, drinking Pina coladas and laughing about how your impending eviction notice.
In reality, he is likely a douche who couldn’t afford to actually pay your rent, and will find a lower budget side piece. You’ll never see him or the money again.
Thank you LW 1 I needed a laugh! How on earth you expect anyone to take you seriously is beyond me. Get a clue sweetheart-nobody likes a cheating gold digger.
He paid the rent and moved on. That’s his way of fulfilling a promise and dumping you!