Shortcuts: “My Married Boyfriend Paid My Rent and Disappeared”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
On behalf of all women who have had their partners cheat on them with women who knew the men were emotionally and physically unavailable, you’re a disgrace. That money your sleaze-bag boyfriend spent on your rent? That belongs to his wife. How do you even sleep at night in your big home that is paid for with another woman’s money? (and do they have kids? Because if that do, that money should be going toward summer camp, piano classes, and college tuition — not your rent.) Move out and move on already. This guy is not yours to even cry over.
If you’re married, get thee to a divorce attorney asap. If you’re not married, you should move out one weekend when he’s MIA. Or, if his name isn’t on the lease, you can throw his crap outside and change the locks. If his name is on the lease or you own a home together, talk to a lawyer about what recourse you have. But, clearly, on a strictly emotional level, this relationship is over. All that is left to do is make sure you’ve got your legal and financial ducks in a row for the final phase of this break-up. He’s been avoiding you and avoiding moving out because he’s afraid of the financial loss he’ll have in your break-up.
It may not be “your place” to tell people who they can and cannot hang out with, but you sure as shit can say it hurts your feelings that your friends would hang out with the guy who cheated on you and the girl he cheated with. Whether they care about your feelings or not is another matter and may help you determine whether you want to continue being friends with them.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Happy Friday, all, and happy Mother’s Day (my new favorite holiday!) eve eve!
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LW1 – You’re a disgrace … and a horrible, horrible person. Get a job. Support yourself. Don’t take money from people. Done.
LW2 – If the home really is “his home” as he says – and if you’re not on the lease – I’d pack up and move out during a weekend he is away and not answering his phone. Ideally, the lease, the bills, etc. are all in his name and you can disappear! After 24 years, though, that’s not likely the case, and I am sure some of your stuff (house, finances, accounts and whatnot) (maybe most of your stuff?) are in both of your names. If that’s the case, definitely talk to a lawyer.
I hit submit too soon.
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LW3 – How do you know your friends are hanging out with your ex and his new girlfriend? Maybe it’s splashed on Facebook? Maybe they’re telling you all about it, completely insensitive to how it makes you feel? That’s mean. I’d try to surround myself with new friends – whether they’re “new” new or old friends you haven’t seen in awhile, so long as they’re different than the ones you used to hang out with with your ex. Some break-ups require breaking up with everything and starting anew.
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Also, happy mother’s day eve eve (again, because, again, it’s my new favorite holiday).
Happy Mother’s Day eve-eve to you! I went to a group that I attended while on maternity leave on Tuesday (its run through one of our local hospitals and gives moms and babies a safe space to socialize and talk about important and applicable topics – they have a 0-3 month, 3-6 and 6-9 month group and now a 9-12 month social hour which is what I attended) and they gave all the moms a little vase with flowers in it. It was awesome 🙂
Aw that’s sweet! I just dropped my boy off at day care (day 2 of temporary daycare, ay ay ay) and they gave me a rose, a granola bar, and a bottle of orange juice. 🙂
Wrong day care, Addie. A good one would give you a rose, a granola bar, and a bottle of tequila. Keep looking.
Lol, WD. You know me too well.
Jackson’s teachers asked all the moms to do drop-off this morning and to be on time. When we got there, the kids had artwork (hand prints with popsicle stick frames and tissue paper and pipe cleaner roses) for the moms and then the teachers played some josh grobin so the kids could ask their moms to dance. It was awfully sweet, even for an old crab like me.
Awww! That is just so sweet.
that is sweet. i love it!
LOVE that!!!
Thank you, Wendy, for telling it like it is to LW1. I get really tired of women who knowingly date married/attached men and then claim they’re not doing anything wrong. “But it’s his responsibility to stay faithful to his wife. It’s not my fault that he didn’t.” Bullshit. That goes for men, too, I just seem to hear this more from women. Both parties are equally sleazy and equally responsible.
But actually we’re assuming a lot. Maybe the married guy is in an open relationship? Strangely, I’m more pissed that she’s expecting someone to support her.
I think if he were in an open relationship, she would have mentioned it. I would have, primarily to avoid comments like the one I made.
Good point.
The husband of a close friend of mine is having an affair (and leaving my friend for the other woman), so the topic is close to him and I am absolutely filled with rage at the moment and was happy to let out a teeny bit of that anger.
Oh man!!! How did you/she find out? Did he come clean? Did she catch him? Do they have kids? That is enraging. I am always shocked to hear things like this; people stun me. Maybe I’m naive. Definitely, naive.
I can’t go into details, but I’ll just say it’s been horrible and heartbreaking for me and I’m just a friend watching (and trying to be supportive) from the outside. It has absolutely devastated my friend — turned her world completely upside down. How a man could do this to a woman he supposedly loved for years and years and how a woman could do this to another woman is mind-boggling. I hope karma deals them both everything they deserve.
What’s wrong with people? How can you hurt someone like that after they’ve made you their entire world? And can a person just sit passively participate in destroying someone’s life and shrug it off as not casually as claiming it isn’t their responsibility to care?
I know there always going to be “but you don’t know what it was like” replies. But don’t human beings owe their closest people ANYTHING?
edit: And how can a person just sit by and passively participate in the destruction of someone’s life and so easily shrug it off, casually claiming it isn’t their responsibility to care?
Exactly. It’s so sick and disturbing.
A similar situation happened with a friend of mine and her now ex-BF. Mind you they were not married, but had been together for 5 years. Our now ex friend of almost a decade (!!) basically had an emotional affair with our friends, now ex, BF. The two of them wouldn’t take responsibility for their actions, never really give a sincere apology, and made excuses to the moon and back for their cheating. The friend even told our friend that she would be happy for them one day, and claimed that our friends BF was her soul mate. They were quick to start dating after the shit storm blew over. To our knowledge are still together almost 2 years later, and recently moved to Ireland to find work.
Have you guys ever seen Falling In Love, with Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro? About two married people (married to other people) who meet on a train and fall in love? … It’s sweet. But then you think: our protagonists are cheaters, and you feel bad for liking the love story.
I do take your point, Kate, but i still think there is a distinction. Like you, I don’t agree that a woman in this situation has done NOTHING wrong. She has done something that is not nice, and I am equally unsympathetic with the idea of her knowingly pursuing a married man and with any person having any expectation of being supported by another person outside of a clear and fairly negotiated partnership(take care of yourself, FFS!). I have expressed my disdain for sugar baby/daddy culture before. But of the two of them, he is the one who is breaking a supposedly lifelong promise. I can also tell you from experience that not cheating is easy if you love your partner. I’m no Brad Pitt looks-wise, but in my 27 year partnership with M, I have had one or two clear-cut opportunities to cheat with attractive women. I had no challenge saying no. Men are not really led around by their dicks unless they choose to be. That’s as much of a myth as the idea that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men.
I mean, except for women who have sex with me.
Wish we still had the thumbs-ups for this comment. 🙂
I agree with what you’re saying, but at the same time, if the stigma applied to the ‘other woman’ just as much, wouldn’t it be a lot harder for men to cheat?
If women started saying, “oh, you’re married? This is over. Buh-bye!” instead of falling into the made-for-tv-movie role where everything is star-crossed lovers, MEANT TO BE bullshit, perhaps the cheating would decline. (I’m aware this may be a dream-world I’m livin’ in!)
Sure, the other woman didn’t make a vow, but she should still respect the marriage. I think it’s the respect for marriages that is missing these days. (I worked with a woman that was involved with a married man and she had every excuse in the book – “he doesn’t love her”, “they’re getting divorced”, “she is horrible to him!” but to me, it didn’t matter. He’s married. Hands off. If it’s so bad, he needs to end the marriage. Only THEN is he available to you.)
No matter what is happening in the marriage, the fact that two people are married should be enough. It should be respected. I find the woman to be at fault here as much as the man. She had the information she needed to shut the relationship down… and didn’t.
I think MOST people would say no to the married cheater, but for some people there is some ego boost/thrill to being with someone who is off limits. I’m not defending that behavior, but there is an attraction to drama for certain people.
“There is an attraction to drama for certain people.” This could be the understatement of the year.
Ha ha. Too true.
I was a fan of the dancing show Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with the Stars is the American version) but have decided to boycott because one of their dancers named Kristina Rihanoff slept with three taken men who were partnered with her. Two of them dumped their girlfriends (including one who was pregnant) and the third dropped his wife whom he had been with for 20 years. She is obviously one of those women that loves to prove that she is so desirable that she can have any man she wants no matter what their relationship status is and likely revels in the fact that she can tear down another woman.
Gross!
The reason I wrote this was I’m reading a true crime book about a sociopath who would only have affairs with married men.
No one else needs to respect my marriage, because I do. Like I said, I agree that the other woman is not being nice or respectful/able, but it’s not a requirement for her.
There’s already a pretty big stigma for “the other woman” though. MUCH bigger than for the married man or for “the other man”. And it doesn’t seem to stop cheating.
They’re both in the wrong, but like Diablo said, the married person is committing the larger wrong, by a huge degree, because of the betrayal of their spouse. They’re both destroying the marriage, but only the married one is breaking their vows and betraying someone they supposedly love.
Definitely. I personally don’t blame the other as much as the married. Even in hetero dating relationships so many (generally women, again) blame the other woman, and forgiven the man….why?
I think part of it, honestly, is that women hold women to higher standards than we hold men to.
Yeah, you are probably right.
I feel like my parent’s generation and my own to a lesser extent, have judged men and women harshly in different areas. I feel like both women and men judge men who act scared, or whiney, or don’t hold down a steady career, much more harshly than a woman. A big insult would be to call a man a “pussy” or “bitch”. I think it’s because men were expected to be the soldiers, protectors, and providers during many times of distress and scarcity.
Men had to be tough and aggressive. For so long we knew so little about PTSD, or the effects of trauma on the brain. Many women are afraid of men because of the prevalence of reported rape and domestic violence. But I don’t hear a lot of conversations about how much men are afraid of other men (and women) and how often they are hurt or die at the hands of other men.
Before birth control and abortion most women had a life that centered on motherhood and to get through times of distress and scarcity women had to be resilient, adaptable, and nurturing as the primary facilitator of the family. I’m in the us, and here, in African American families, attachment patterns were systematically ripped at the seams for decades.
Now that both gender have similar access to education and birth control (at least here) I think we are still living with the different expectations we have inherited.
But I don’t personally think I’m judging this letter writer harsher because she is a woman. I think both men and women tend to judge the other women harsher than the other man because of old expectations. But this letter writer just sounds like a self-absorbed asshole to me. Is she as big of one as the one who is married? Of course not. But who writes in for advice on how to get rent paid because her married man might not be true to his word? What advice did she even want?
That’s true, about the advice. My advice is “you get involved with a married person, don’t be shocked when they disappear”. You know what you’re getting into, come on. You can’t expect anything more than what you got.
I think another big part of it is that women have been dependent on men for so long (and many women still are). So, if you want to stay financially secure, you have to just accept that shit from your husband. The only one left to turn your anger on is the other woman. Imagine if you were a woman in the 50s or 60s and you had no job skills and a bunch of kids. Really, what are your options? So I think it’s a social leftover from that kind of situation.
It’s also a bit of protecting yourself, because if you married a horrible person maybe there’s something wrong with you. Or maybe you’re just not good enough, or all these other things that go through your head when you’re betrayed. Focusing on the other woman instead of your husband means you can push those thoughts to the side because obviously it’s HER fault, right?
Those are all good points and I think very true.
I think its less confusing to hate the actions of someone who you haven’t trusted and loved than direct all that anger at someone whom you have. Especially if you have to continue to interact with your former love during a divorce or while co-parenting. Probably like it’s less confusing to be a side piece than the person with the double life (I’d think).
Oh Diable, tell us about the two opportunities? Were they overly aggressive coworkers who propositioned you on a business trip? And old high school friend who sent you a picture of her boobies? What? I want the stories. 😉
*Diablo
No booby pics. One was at a conference for charities of a certain focus (that I worked for). A fellow committee member and I were to quickly run up to her hotel room for some bottles of wine for a planned social gathering, but once we got up there, she blocked my path and gave me eyes that clearly stated there were other things we could be hauling. I pretended obliviousness (not a stretch for me), said something like, “So, these bottles of wine?” and hightailed it back to the safety of numbers. Up to then, I had considered her a friend, no thought that she was offering more, but then I wasn’t looking (remember, oblivious?).
The other one was worse, a friend of a good friend of ours at a New Year’s party at our place (she had been over to ours many times and knew M well enough). A woman who had recently left an unhappy marriage and had sown some wild oats with another friend of mine (who was available for same). She is leaving the party and i go to the door with her to say good night. We hug as I might do with any friend in this moment. She stays in close and gives me “the look” with her face an inch from mine. She moves for the kiss and I pull away sharply, say something like “Come ON, Name!”, hold up ring finger and nod in the direction of my wife and all our other friends in the VERY NEXT ROOM. Even so, she purses lips and rolls eyes in a gesture that says, “Maybe we could….” I shake my head, and that is the last time she came to our house. Never told M of the first incident because why worry her. Told her about the second because I needed to explain why the person wasn’t welcome anymore. Oh yeah, a couple friends of our gay friends have made open passes at me, but that hardly counts, the way these particular boys operate (ie – not a blanket judgment on all gay people, just these two). It’s pretty much an open offer to any straight male to walk on the wild side, so it’s not all that personal. There, now you know everything. I’m not Catholic, but I feel so cleansed. Now, AP, what story are you gonna tell to pay for this disclosure of mine?
Thank you, D! Now see? Those are the details that need to see follow comments about being propositioned! … But sadly, I have no good stories. In the last couple of years, I haven’t met any actors that I ended up sucking faces with (or otherwise) or anything fun like that. No dates, no propositions, no nothing… But, I got the sweetest little boy who is learning to kiss and he lays wet ones on me all the time and I love it! 😉
No way! I call shenanigans! Kisses from your infant son isn’t a smutty story! I showed you mine – now you gotta come across with some dark and hidden passions! or at least a creep who acted like I am now on a date!
Ok ok, but this has to stay between you and me: I took Wednesday afternoon off work for a doctor’s appointment but the truth is the doctor’s appoint was over by, like 2:30 pm. No one was looking for me so I got coffee with my baby and we played at a coffee shop for like an hour and then went home and I never went back to work. (Gasp.) (That’s about as dark and hidden as things get these days.)
Sordid. How do you sleep at night?
LW1 – You willingly moved into a house you could not afford because your married boyfriend promised to take care of you? Seriously? In all likelihood this guy promised you the moon because he could and would not make any type of commitment to you and now that he actually is faced with supporting you, he is pulling a ghost. I hope you can break your lease and move to someplace that YOU can afford and take this as a lesson that sleeping with unavailable men is never a good idea.
LW2 – You can hire a forensic accountant and PI to track down what your husband is doing on the weekend though I can promise you it is shady as fuck (seriously get STI tested as well). If you are in a fault state that information will be instrumental in a divorce – and while this might not be the route you want to take, your husband has emotionally and physically abandoned you and refuses to addresses his behavior. Go talk to a divorce attorney NOW because they can better inform you on your legal rights to property, spousal support, etc. Also, you need to assess if your husband might become violent and take any needed recourse such as restraining orders and women’s shelter, I feel really uncomfortable with the behavior your husband is displaying especially when confronted with his disappearances.
LW3 – When you break up there is often a wider path of destruction than just the two people involved. Mutual friends often take sides. Your friends have sided with your ex and his new girlfriend and while that is painful and unfair, for your own sake I would let those relationships go as well. As someone mentioned above, take this as a time to reconnect with other people because if they are aware that your BF cheated on you with his new girlfriend and still want to hang out with the two of them, are they really friends you want to have in your life anyway?
LW1: He’s not your boyfriend.You can’t have a boyfriend who’s legally married to someone else. You are a sidepiece. I believe the old term was “kept woman.” As in, a woman who has her expenses paid by a man in order to have her more conveniently available when he wants sex, or so he has a more comfortable place to hang out while he’s screwing around. Your guy has realized that he can’t hide the rent payments from his wife, or he has something else he’d rather spend the money on. That’s why he’s disappeared. He’s decided you’re not worth the money you’d cost.
Do you have ANY self-respect? At all? That you would allow yourself to be used this way? Or are you just too lazy to work and earn your own rent?
Think about this: since it’s 2016, it’s likely that his wife works. Which means that he was probably taking money she earned to pay for his sidepiece. Would you like that? If your husband took money that you worked hard for and was paying some other woman’s rent with it? You’d think he was a dirtbag and a thief, right? Is that what you want in a “boyfriend?”
LW1, here is what I hope happened, if there is any justice in the world- your boyfriend sent the rent for May. Mrs. Boyfriend then went to buy tires for her minivan and discovered that there was a significant amount of money missing from the savings account. Mrs. Boyfriend confronted Boyfriend, who admitted he is a manipulative bastard who payed for his side chick to rent a pad. He then realized, as she was burning his clothes in the backyard and cutting holes in the crotch of all of his pants, that Mrs. Boyfriend was really the best thing that ever happened to him. The two of them are now in marriage counseling, and will be spending your rent money aboard a cruise ship in Jamaica, drinking Pina coladas and laughing about how your impending eviction notice.
In reality, he is likely a douche who couldn’t afford to actually pay your rent, and will find a lower budget side piece. You’ll never see him or the money again.
Wait, why does *he* get to laugh at the impending eviction notice of someone who he convinced to move into a larger place she couldn’t afford on her own, when she was originally planning to move into a place she could afford on his own? In your world of justice, she deserves to get evicted and have a massive debt on her record while he just gets some damaged clothing and then makes up with his wife and goes on a cruise?
Because he’s going to counseling, groveling for forgiveness, and mending his ways. In my imaginary world. My vision here is about making the LW feel like shit here.
Another thought fir LW1: You lived with your auntie? Are you 12? You sound like kid moving from grown-up’s house to another. Time to be the grown-up in your own life, and figure out where you’re going live and how you’re going to pay for it. It’s not up to your auntie, married boyfriend, married boyfriend’s wife, or anyone else to pay your way.
AJ
Auntie is also used (mainly by people from the Caribbean, in my experience) to describe an older non-relative female who they respect or have a mother-figure relationship with. Given that many young post-college people are living with their parents, it’s not that much different to be living with an “auntie” in a similar situation.
It does seem like a mistake to move out when she couldn’t support herself, but she did originally plan to move to a small place that fit her budget, and the real mistake was deciding to live above her means with subsidy from this guy. Move out of that place into a place you can afford!
Thank you LW 1 I needed a laugh! How on earth you expect anyone to take you seriously is beyond me. Get a clue sweetheart-nobody likes a cheating gold digger.
I swear I’ve seen LW2 in a different advice column. Or was it here in the forums and my brain has finally, officially turned to mush after 8 months of pregnancy?
I think I’ve seen it here before, actually.
I think it was Dear Prudence.
Nah, I read that one pretty religiously. Haven’t seen that.
Ya definitely familiar…can’t recall where either though!
Thank you! It was driving me nuts.
He paid the rent and moved on. That’s his way of fulfilling a promise and dumping you!