It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I met this guy, “Derek,” on an online dating app in February. We chat online and once a week we do a video call. Despite our time difference, we always try to communicate. Last month he revealed that he lives with his ex but that they are working on a divorce. I was really shocked and mad, but I forgave him for keeping such information from me. Since then things have been going smoothly until today when he sent me the link to an article about how a Kenyan woman will do just about anything to get a white man. Apparently, he thinks I’m after his money and yet I have never asked him for funds at any point in our three-month long-distance relationship. I feel that am being stereotyped. He now wants to make things work with his ex after reading the article, and he asked for a break. What should I do? — Stereotyped
You should stop “long-distance dating” men you’ve never met. I know these are unique times, but you can’t build a romantic relationship on weekly video calls and some daily online chats. It’s just too easy for bad people to lie and take advantage of the situation, like Derek did with you. He was never leaving his partner. He was just cyber cheating on her with you! He probably got caught, and so he sent you that racist article in an effort to gaslight you because he’s a fucking loser. Ordinarily, I’d say it’s fine to engage in online friendships and flirting, but your judgment seems too cloudy to discern quality character through a screen, so cool it on the dating apps until you’re able to actually meet up in person and build a potential relationship in real life.
My boyfriend, “Gary,” and I are in our 50s. After we were together a few months, I noticed he had been commenting on and loving pictures of two women on very provocative private facebook groups, all the while ignoring any pictures of mine. He was commenting on these women’s pictures prior to our being together. After we were exclusive, his comments such as “yummy,” “I’d forget my name if you took me to dinner,” and “Back that shit up” (said about a picture of the woman’s butt) continued. After I told him it upset me, he left the groups and unfriended the girls. The problem is that I know this behavior would have continued had I not said anything. And now with the lockdown he has been here for the last two months, and he constantly talks about sex and naked women. For example: The first thing this morning he showed me a beer with scratch-off bikini top, which when scratched off exposed breasts. How can I shake my insecurity and get over this? I don’t want to feel insecure anymore and I know it’s all on me. With the COVID19, I can’t even go to the gym to help myself feel better. — Feeling Insecure
Woah, talk about backing this shit up. You just shared plenty of examples of how Gary is a sexist, classless perv and you think this is all on you?! Uh, no. You haven’t done anything wrong, and this is not about your being insecure. This is very much about Gary being gross and juvenile and immature and objectifying women. Kick that fucker to the curb. You can do way better than a dork who cracks open a beer first thing in the morning after scratching a graphic bikini top to expose some boobs. Aim higher. Way higher.
I’m 24 years old and have been with my partner, “Bob,” for six years. We have a child together and both families know that we are in a relationship. Bob and I want to take our relationship to the next level and move in together, but I don’t know how to approach my parents because they want marriage first. Please help. — Nervous Nelly
Um, you have a child together. You already took your relationship to the “next level.” Move the hell in together if that’s what you want. If your parents have a problem with it “because they want marriage first,” remind them that YOU ALREADY HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER, so the whole marriage-first bullshit is kind of a moot point.
***************
Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
I am not sure how or where or when or why women (some women) got conditioned to believe that it’s THEIR fault if a guy is a jackass. Because he tells you it’s your fault? Is that why? If more women kicked these knuckle-dragging idiots to the curb immediately, I’m convinced our whole country would be better off.
Stop tolerating BS, people!
WTF is right.
Look. People that get into these online-only, long-distance things that they call relationships, are either desperate or they’re in another relationship or marriage that they’re supposed to be committed to. Typically you get one of each in one of these online faux-lationships.
People, stop doing this.
LW1: I am not even sure what your question is. Your BF dumped you so there is nothing to do but block his number. On top of that he is a cheating, racist, coward. Honestly, he did you a massive favor by dumping you and showing his true colors before you invested time and money in this relationship.
LW2: While it is good that Gary stopped posting after you asked, he clearly has the (im)maturity of a 13 year old. How would Gary feel if you started verbally ogling other men? My guess is that he would have a problem with it. This is not about you – its about his inability to respect you and other women. I would have a serious talk with him and point out that these comments and behaviors make you uncomfortable. Maybe he can change but my guess is that at 50 years old, he is set on objectifying every women he comes in contact with.
LW3: Oh FFS, unless your parents are footing all your bills and you are under the age of 18, you are an adult and should take responsibility for your life. So long as you and your BF are emotionally and financially responsible (which I hope to god since you have a child) you absolutely should move in together. Honestly, it is much better to live with a serious partner before marriage because a lot of personality quirks come out only after you live together. Sit down with your BF, make out a budget, and start apartment hunting. Yes your parents will likely disapprove, but that is a part of growing up.
LW #1 and #2 are jerks, but #2 is also a pervy a-hole. Gary is the kind of guy that for many years, would probably say something stupid like ‘Hey baby’ when I walked past. Fortunately, I’m in my 40’s now so I doubt Gary would be interested in me any longer.
LW #2: how do you get over your insecurities? Dump this loser.
LW#1: What should you do? Think about what led you to settle for a fake relationship with a racist. I know we can’t get out and date in person right now, but come on – you can go without dating for a few months, right? It’s just a few months. And when you do get back into the dating pool, for the love of god, aim higher. Wendy’s right: she’s not his ex, she’s his wife, and you were a plaything to boost his ego for a few months.
LW#2: So, you’re feeling insecure because…you want this creepy perv to desire you more than the women he’s treating like pieces of meat? Let’s shorten that. You want this creepy perv? Why?
Seriously. Think about the way you just described him. Think about describing him that way to your friends and family. Think about the shocked and disgusted looks you’d get. Think about what you’d tell a friend who described her boyfriend that way.
That first letter…woof. “What should I do”?? Are you serious? He told he wants to get back with his ex, you should LET HIM. He sent you a racist article, that should be enough to put him in your rear view. Get to a therapist and talk about your self worth, it seems there is something missing here.