It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss having babies to keep a guy, hating your fiancé, and being a secret from the other woman.
I’m a single mother who has one daughter and I’m currently in a relationship. My boyfriend wants to have a baby and I don’t want any more. If/when I decide to have another child, I would like to get married first and then have a baby. The problem is he wants to have a baby before he’s 30 and he’s now 29. Also, I’m currently studying which means I don’t have time for another baby. My daughter is four and I’m really trying to be a good mom for her.
My boyfriend is a great guy but I really feel this is gonna be one of our biggest issues. Is it selfish to let my boyfriend wait until I’m through with my studies, which will be in three years, before having a baby? — Worth Waiting?
Please re-read your second sentence: “My boyfriend wants to have a baby and I don’t want any more.” Yeah, no shit this is gonna be one of your biggest issues. It’s called a deal-breaker and it’s time to MOA.
I am stuck in the fast lane and I do not know what to do! In ’10 I sold my company and jumped into a relationship with a guy friend that escalated into puppies, engagement, baby (born in June), house (closed this week), and now wedding date… sorta. He bugs me to pick a date, but I’m having trouble. He is a great catch and treats me really well, and has been supporting me in whatever I want or need, but I feel trapped. I’m forcing myself to pick a date and am going along to make him happy (fake it ’til you make it approach). I really don’t appreciate him… If anything I strongly dislike him most of the time, even though he’s fantastic to me, our son, our animals, etc. I’m the bad guy for not being satisfied and I cannot figure how to make myself love this situation – it’s a fantastic one!! But I kinda, sorta hate this life. WHY!!? I can’t leave after buying a house, having a baby and pets… I’m the worst. Why don’t I love him in the way I should? How do I handle this? — Unable to Pull the Trigger
My armchair analysis is that you don’t believe you deserve this “fantastic” life and, obviously, have a commitment phobia that probably has more to do with you and whatever baggage you’re carrying than it does with your fiancé. For the sake of your family, please seek therapy — both individual and couple’s therapy. Sounds like you have quite a lot you’d be throwing away by continuing to “fake” happiness instead of digging deep and dealing with what’s blocking you from truly feeling it.
I am recently engaged (2 months). My fiancé has a female friend whom he refuses to even tell that I exist because he doesn’t want to hurt her. I know that this person is in love with my fiancé. They never dated although she wanted to. He has periodically kept in touch with her (she is the one who initiates the contact), but he says he does this to be polite. The last time he responded to her was back in mid-July. She texts about every week or so, and he says eventually she will stop. I have contemplated contacting this person to let her know that he is engaged and living with me. She is the only individual who is unaware we are engaged. If she is a true friend, she would be happy for him. Am I nuts? — Not a Secret
Tell your fiancé that he hurts you by keeping you a secret from a woman he has regular and ongoing communication with, and, if he is more concerned with her feelings that yours, you’re confused as to why it’s you he chose to propose to. Frankly, I’d be very concerned about marrying a man who thinks that secrecy is the best way to protect a woman’s feelings, and I would be wondering what truth he was “protecting” me from. Tread very carefully…
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