“Should I Leave My Boyfriend Because He’s Poor?”
I’m a 28-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 30. I come from an upper-middle-class family where my parents have always provided me with the best, especially when it comes to financial support. I’ve been dependent on them for my education, and now, as a medical professional, I’m planning to go to Australia soon for further studies, fully funded by my parents.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months. He is calm, sweet, loving, and loyal. He never brings drama into our relationship, and I can genuinely see a future with him. But he comes from a broken family with ongoing issues. He has a mid-paying job, no family home, and possibly not much in savings. He’s been through a lot in life and says his struggles have held him back from progressing further financially. I feel jealous of my girlfriends who are marrying well, but also to people they love, and this makes me feel more guilty.
I’m scared to tell my parents about him because I know they won’t approve, mainly due to his financial situation and lack of family support. Now, I feel like I’m at a crossroads: Should I choose him and take on the financial responsibility of building a comfortable, rich life with someone I love? Or should I walk away and hope to find someone who already has financial stability?
This decision to choose between financial security and the man I love is paralyzing. I love him deeply, but I’m also scared of losing the financial comfort and support I’ve always known. – Fully Funded
You’re asking the wrong question. This isn’t about whether you should choose financial security or the man you love. This is a question about whether you have the emotional depth and maturity to even recognize, let alone, appreciate a deep, rich romantic love and to contribute in a meaningful way to an equal and loving partnership. I don’t think you’re there yet – not if the jealousy for women who are “marrying well” is competing with whatever joy your boyfriend brings you. It may be that financial security and material comfort are enough of a priority to you that you won’t want for the deep love you may never have with someone else – someone who can better meet your financial expectations.
You’d be doing your boyfriend as well as yourself a favor by being honest with yourself about your priorities. If you have needs you know your boyfriend can’t and maybe won’t ever be able to meet, it’s unfair to you both to continue pursuing a future together. If you have a family you know won’t be excited about your boyfriend and you are not in an emotional place to defend him, to commit to a relationship that doesn’t have your parents’ support, and to even risk alienating your family if they put you in a position of choosing between them and your boyfriend, it’s not fair to him to put him through all that.
The bottom line is that we all have things we prioritize in relationships and in what we look for in signifiant others. If at 28, you demand a certain lifestyle you aren’t able to afford on your own, then that obviously affects the choices you have in significant others. Until you either adjust your expectations, or have enough money to be more flexible in your personal choices, I think you are doing yourself and, more important, potential longterm partners, a real disservice not being honest about your priorities.
Her constant and deliberate attempts to re-engage has caused havoc between my partner and me, including a break up between us that lasted four months. During the four months, they tried to work things out and still failed, which made my partner decide to cut things off for good. Because of this, his ex has threatened to cut my partner out of his child’s life if he ever gets married to another woman. With the current talks about us settling down, I’m concerned about the terms of visitations once we’re married. She hates me and has explicitly mentioned to her partner that she will never allow her child around me or in our home. And where would that leave my partner to see his child without conflict?
I’d like some insights and suggestions on how this can be done so that the child doesn’t miss out on his father’s love and attention. — Ready to Settle Down
This is a question better answered by legal representation in the way of a mediator or family attorney. My advice is to hire one ASAP and make sure your partner and his relationship with his child is as protected as it can be. Depending on the child’s age, and what advice you get from a legal expert, you may decide that it makes sense to wait a little longer to take the next step with your partner. Good luck!
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Fully Funded.
I think Wendy hit the nail on the head. I think the words you wrote answer your question. You are jealous and feel guilty watching your friends marry people they love that also have money. You say you love your boyfriend but I don’t think it’s enough to make up for the regret you seem to be feeling. Some people can admire, appreciate, and support their significant others regardless of how much money they are worth others may not be able to and I think you fall into the second group. You don’t love your boyfriend enough to stay and fight for him and your relationship. Own up to your feelings and allow this relationship to end so you can both find people that are better suited to yourselves.
What? #1 – so much ick reading this. I’m guessing that if you’re a medical professional & still supported by your parents, you’re never likely to be self-funded and therefore actually I do kinda get why you worry about what your parents think. So if that’s the life you want, free this poor guy now.
And if you’re having jealous thoughts about your pals marrying well, he is never going to feel fully loved or appreciated- let him go.
I hope you benefit from the Aussie ‘no dickheads’ ideal while you’re here.
I love this letter because it shows the other side of typical advice column question. Usually, this situation would come from the boyfriend’s perspective, saying something like “I’m making decent money but it’s not enough for my rich girlfriend. Even though she doesn’t lack for anything, she wants me to be more ambitious, mostly for status.” Or if it’s from the girlfriend, it would be about the challenge to the relationship of her moving to Australia for an extended period. So it’s nice to see how the LW frames it. Wendy does a wonderful job reframing her perspective on what really matters. Thanks Wendy.
The first letter writer has been dating her bf for nine months is about to go to a country on what is likely the other side of the world (depending on where they are from) for a 4-year medical degree. This relationship will not survive anyway, so break up when you leave. Chances are good she’ll end up with another doctor or someone local to Australia.
LW1: the reality is marriage is long and hard at best. Being honest with yourself about what resentments are likely to persevere through the ups and downs will save you some heartache. Financial challenges are a big factor in a lot of breakups because the reality is, love does not, in fact, conquer all. If you perceive your SO’s financial situation as an important part of a healthy relationship for you, you had better MOA. It will continue to play a factor unless he suddenly comes into some serious money soon. Jobs aren’t guaranteed and ambition can wax and wane based on any number of things. Without family money of his own, you’re always going to be hyper vigilant of his career path and bank account and that will likely manifest as resentment in you both.