“Should I Leave the Drama-Addicted Husband?”
Friends have pointed out that he’s a drama junkie who withdraws when there’s no high drama going on. And while I love this man, I think I’m finally hitting the point (after three cycles of this crap) where I know I need to make my own plans that may or may not include him. My challenges include progressing MS, a house I doubt we’d be able to sell (and we sure as hell wouldn’t get my inheritance’s worth back out of it), fears of not being able to work full-time and support myself…and, frankly, sitting on my ass and letting him make all the choices — again. I also know that I worked years to support him at jobs I hated; I’m working part-time now and physically can’t handle much more and yet, part of me wants to just yell “grow the hell up” and get it over with. Options? Suggestions? Help? — Losing It All
If you’ve already decided that leaving him is your best option, I’d suggest talking with a divorce attorney right away. An attorney can advise you much better than I can about what steps you can take to ensure a financially secure future for yourself. If, however, you still have a little fight left in your marriage, I’d get yourselves to a marriage counselor right away. Your issues sound too deep for someone like me to address in a simple column or letter. If he’s anti-therapy and “knows it won’t help,” I don’t see what choice you have but to leave the guy. You can’t keep letting him uproot your life like this every few years when he gets an itch for a major change. It’s not fair and it’s not what you signed on for. As difficult as you think your challenges will be in leaving him, it sounds like they’ll be even greater if you stay with him.
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I actually know two women who are married to men like this, and even though one of them has been married longer than you, nothing has changed. Their situations haven’t changed for likely the very reason your situation has been the same for the approximately 15 years that you’ve been married – you’ve all catered to them when they’ve had some new adventure, idea, etc. It’s important to support one another in a marriage, but that doesn’t include decisions that are illogical and/or destructive. I’m sure he’s telling you that he feels he has “no choice” and must quit his job to go on the road, but he’s not going to anything – he’s just running from the realities of life.
I think people like this are very selfish, and they love themselves significantly more than they are capable of loving others. You’ve got a lifetime of challenges ahead of you that are only going to get worse as you get older, and not only is he not the type of person to put aside his wants to help you, you’ll constantly be dealing with this drama. So, I’d tell him that you won’t be joining him if he quits his job and “goes on the road”. However, before telling him this, you need to have worked out the details for yourself assuming that he goes anyway.
Good luck, LW.
I don’t think people like this are necessarily selfish and love themselves more than others (although that certainly could be a factor…) I think it’s that they never learned how to find happiness within themselves. They are constantly reaching for that next “something” …. “If only I had X, I’d be happy… If Only I had Y, I’d be happy” And while they may feel slightly elated when they get X or Y, they quickly settle back into the pattern of feeling like something is missing and go on the search of the next thing they think will make them happy.
I’ve been there, and I’ve felt it, and I could never figure out why I wasn’t happy even though, it seemed, I was chasing after everything I wanted… Well, you’ve got to find happiness inside yourself first. Be grateful for what you’ve got in the here and now. Seems like this guy just hasn’t learned this lesson in life yet and if he hasn’t by now… I don’t know if he will.
“I think it’s that they never learned how to find happiness within themselves.”
I agree with this, but there are healthy and productive ways to deal with those feelings that don’t include putting yourself and your spouse in dire straits. What separates him from others who feel this way is that he places more importance on what he thinks will make him happy rather than what is best for them. There has to be a balance, but he’s lacking that. That’s why I mentioned that he’s selfish and loves himself more than he is capable of loving others – he’s not thinking about her at all.
Yes, in my opinion, you should leave this man. You should go speak to an attorney to figure out what plan is in your best interest financially, and then you should leave. If not, you should certainly seek counselling alone (in fact, you should probably do that either way) if your husband won’t go with you. I’m really hesitant to tell you flat-out to leave, but I think you really deserve better than this guy, and I think people like this don’t change (especially if he has no interest in getting professional help).
Please don’t let your MS hold you back. I don’t know much, specifically, that will help you deal with that aspect of things, but I know there has to be away. As for the house, if you can’t afford to live there and can’t afford to sell it, consider renting out a couple of rooms to help pay the bills. I don’t know the legalities of that, but you might look into it.
Good luck, LW. I know that my response isn’t full of really helpful, specific advice, but I hope I’m being at least a little encouraging. Whatever you decide to do, you can do it, and don’t let anything hold you back from living the best life for you.
I agree that the LW shouldn’t let her MS hold her back. Although financially it will be hard for you to support yourself, Wendy is correct in saying that an attorney can help you the most with this decision making process. If you are worried that money will be a problem, see if you can stay with a friend or a family member. I’m sure you have someone else in your life you can depend on besides your husband? And I hope that you don’t feel like since you have MS and your health problems may be a “burden” to him, that you should cater to his every want. Your husband is clearly a drama queen. People like this make every situation about them, exaggerate stories, and are never satisfied. If he’s been like since you’ve been married he’s not going to change or “grow up” (although I agree that he should! If he wanted to be so adventurous he should’ve done it while he was in his 20s and unmarried, not when he’s dragging someone else down with him. While I’m not a big proponent of divorce, I don’t think this guy will magically start treating you better or become more rational any time in the future.
Realistically, he’s not going to change. I also really don’t think that you want to keep repeating this pattern. In my opinion, it’s time to seek out a divorce attorney. Having MS, you’re going to have to start taking care of yourself and your needs, instead of him and his. It would be great if he could shift some of his focus onto you, and you guys could face the future together. But I really don’t see that happening.
Hopefully you can get as much money as possible from that house, whether he buys you out, or you sell it, or rent it out or whatever you decide is right for you. You need to take care of yourself, you deserve to have that at least. Good luck, LW.
I wish I could give you multiple tumbs up.
This dude is emotionally and psychologically abusive.
“WAHHH my wife bought me a house and I totally hate it now WAHHHHH!”
“WAHHH omg my job is SOO hard! I just want to sit around all day and bang random sluts and MY WIFE IS LIKE SO MEAN!!”
Seriously LW, it sounds like you married my 14-year-old sister. Get out now.
Your 14 year old sister likes to sit around all day and bang random sluts? That’s a little odd.
But yeah, I get your point. I kind of picture the exact same thing. Like someone else said above, it seems like he is unable to find his own happiness and keeps looking for external happiness, when in reality he needs to be able to find it in himself.
Yeah, kids these day, right?
Kidding aside, I’m not sure I’m buying the “he just doesn’t know how to find happiness” theory. Some people are just terrible, spoiled, self-absorbed assholes and there really isn’t any deeper explanation behind it.
He could have legitimate mental problems. But, I find this is too often used as an excuse for bad behavior. In some cases, it is worth sticking it out. However, if this man is unwilling to better his attitude, get help, etc… then she should MOA. She needs to take care of herself. Mental stress is not going to help her physical condition. She needs to be in a “good place” mentally.
Also… this guy HATES monogamy. She also said the “poly” thing didn’t work out. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to stick together if that is the case.
G – you are absolutely right. All this stress CANNOT be good for dear LW’s physical condition. LW, you owe it to yourself to resolve this one way or another and find a place where you can thrive and be happy.
Good luck – we care about you.
I don’t think not being able to be happy excuses his behavior and you’re right, he could just be spoiled and self-absorbed.
Leaving him IS your best option.
LW, even if you decide to stay with him, please, please, please see a therapist and a financial advisor. You need tools to deal with this man-child, and if you do leave you need help protecting yourself emotionally and financially as well as legally.
If you stay for whatever reason, understand that this is the way it will always be. What do you think he’ll do if your MS progresses until you can’t take care of yourself? What will he do if you can’t work? Nothing you’ve said demonstrates he shows you the loving concern for your welfare that a spouse owes another spouse. If you’re looking for permission to leave, you have it. And from now on, promise you will NEVER martyr your well being on the altar of another person.
LW, If he’s telling you over & over again therapy WILL NOT work for him, it’s because he truly believes there is nothing about himself that needs help & even if you were to force him into therapy he would not get anything out of it. (Which, with his attitude, I doubt you can even get him to the parking lot)
Therapy only works if the person is willing & open to it. If not, it’s a waste of time & money.
I think this is a dead end situation, he seems set in his ways & it’s something that he’s proven over the past few years. I believe her only option is divorce. You’re right about “if you stay, this is how it’ll always be”. She should understand that.
If he’s not interested in therapy and/or drugs, you need to get out of this relationship. It sounds to me like he has problems with depression. A lot of times, men get angry and irritable rather than sad when they get depressed (i.e. – I hate life, I hate my job, I hate people) its easier for them to project than it is for them to deal with the real root of the problem. If ever there was time for an ultimatum, its now – get help or get out. You have too much to deal with already to be chasing him around trying to make him happy when no THING is going to make him happy.
My husband has MS, so I know a bit about living with it. It severely affects the way the body deals with stress, so my biggest piece of advice to you right now is to get yourself a therapist, an acupuncturist and possibly start doing yoga if you can. Fixing this situation is going to be stressful and difficult, and you will need ways to deal with it properly so you don’t end up with a relapse and a bag of steroids hanging off your arm for four days.
Oh, and don’t forget about that one other good thing you can get out of a divorce – ALIMONY. Yes, you blew your inheritance on a house for him, but if he leaves you are not destitute. You have equity in your home and potential alimony.
I’m hoping that if they separate, he doesn’t try to get alimony from her since he seems like the kind of drama queen that would do that.
No judge in the world is going to give him alimony – she has a major debilitating disease and can only work part time, and not even that forever. He is physically healthy and working full time. I guarantee if there’s alimony to be had, it will be for her.
Maybe so but with the judicial system these days, I wouldn’t bet on it.
Right I forgot that the judicial system favours men.
It has little to do with men and women. If you read the news, you’ll see so many cases where the trial outcome is far different than anyone could have imagined.
might depend who finds the better lawyer and what little details those lawyers argue. sad to say that nothing is guaranteed.
get some homestay students from asia if you live near a highschool or university. you will need to cook and clean for them but i think even if you hire someone (cheap) to help clean you will make money (depending how many bedrooms you have)
I’ve seen a number of folks who can’t manage everyday things like keeping a job but who have an evil genius for working the courts to make other people’s lives a living hell. And I can easily see a crum-bum like this quitting his job so he has no visible means of support, getting lawyered up, and demanding “his” half of the house, etc. I suggest the LW be proactive and not allow herself to be taken for any more rides.
I have observed family court in the past (during an internship). Trust me, family court judges see straight through that kind of bullshit. Quitting his job would be viewed as a pretty blatant attempt to game the system. What TheGirl said is dead-on here.
I hope you’re correct.
You make a really good point. I’ve also met people who “can’t work” but sure can have lots of kids, buy all kinds of things like LCD TVs, PS3s, etc. etc. And oddly enough even though they are “depressed” or whatever diagnosis they went to 20 doctors to get on SSI, they sure know how to make things work to their benefit.
If you are ever home during the afternoon, watch TV and look at the commercials…half of them are for lawyers and the other half are drug commercials.
Unfortunately, I’ve also seen people who are truly at a disadvantage get put through the ringer by the courts, so the LW should make sure she has a good attorney who will fight for her rights. (To specify, I know of a woman who lost half of everything-retirement included-to a husband she supported when he quit his job five years before the marriage ended with no good reason).
to reply to everyone here, this is something my dad (a lawyer) always said: its not called a factssuit for a reason. its called a lawsuit. unfortunately, if you get a guy who is sneaky and dedicated enough, he can bend the laws to say whatever he wants to, and to get the verdict he wants out of a judge. the facts often do not matter in the slightest in cases; the laws matter. facts can prove how a law was broken or not, but they will not win your case. laws win cases.
that being said, there are still lots of people who dont get justice, and we can only all hope that there are still judges and lawyers out there who are honest and work for what is right.
As TheGirl above pointed out: Alimony! My general philosophy towards marriage is that divorce should be a last ditch option. However, this man does not seem like a viable long term partner. But only you can decide if that’s the case.
Also, if you can’t sell the house, can you rent it? Since the real estate market is bad right now, a lot of people are making more money by renting their properties. This might be a good option for you.
start shopping for a live-in caretaker that can be paid off of what your lawyer thinks you will get in alimony. Hopefully you find someone who is really good looking with an MS fetish. Chances are, you will get the house.
The guy you’re with is a self-centered, spoiled brat. Spoiling him more is not going to make his bs taste better.
I’m pretty sure his actions, over the past YEARS, have proven that divorce is her ONLY option right now. Why should she suffer a life of unhappiness & loneliness, along with her illness, just because she married the guy.
On other terms, I’d agree with you, but when it comes to a person’s life-long happiness, I can’t agree with compromising that. If she stays with this guy, she’s going to lead a miserable life, it’s only going to get worse. This guy does not want to change, he’s said it & more importantly shown it over many years.
Leave, Leave, Leave! I was in a marriage like this….about every two years my ex would decide he didn’t know if he “loved” me or would want to separate but not tell anyone. He is/was such a drama king while we were separated he got another woman pregnant and blamed it on me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Puh…lease.
Okay but the more mundane things…I went to counseling, by myself and for myself, proceeded with divorce even when I had doubts, and figured out what to do with our house. After the process, I was broke, in debt, working three jobs to get by, with bad credit and happier than I ever had been.
It is very scary to go out on your own, but it is worth it and it sounds like you are a strong woman already and that gives me faith you’ll figure it out. Also, another thought for you, when I was with my ex I was on antidepressants, but have now weined myself off them, with doctors monitoring. Maybe if you are not with your ex anymore your MS will lessen a little because stress can also take a toll physically as well as mentally.
Good luck and don’t give up on yourself.
You should get a medal… you somehow managed to be married to a man for 15 years that has no idea how to commit or follow through with anything.
Wow, kudos to your for trying to make this relationship work. Maybe you can ask your husband for a temporary separation, during which you can decide whether having this man in your life is worth it to you and he can decide if his drama is more important than being married to you. During the separation, please kick him out of the house so he can learn to live on his own, not as a little boy that you are supporting – which is what will happen when you leave him anyway. He can get a preview now.
Please don’t sell the house. The housing market is obviously really bad right now, but as/if the economy picks up many years down the line, housing prices could go up and you can get a better deal for it. If you are short of cash in the meantime, as someone else suggested, you can rent the rooms out for extra income.
You need to take care of yourself right now and your future, so please don’t let this man nowhere near your finances or financial decisions anymore!
Also, if you are afraid that he’s going to ask for alimony if you divorce, I think the fact that you spent most of your money on house AND you have MS will work in your favor if you get a good lawyer.
Kudos to you LW, for putting up with this man-child for so long. You certainly are more patient than I am! I agree that your husband is selfish, immature and spoiled and will continue to be this way for the rest of his life. If he refuses therapy, counselling or medication, what choice do you have but to leave?
LW, just yell “grow the hell up and get over it!”. The last thing you need right now is an unsupportive, selfish jerk, when you are dealing with MS (stress is not good for a healthy person, let alone someone with MS). i think your husband has pressured you into enough bad choices, its time to start putting yourself first. if he can’t deal, then maybe its time he hits the bricks!
Let me get this straight. You have been married to this spoiled, self centered, whiny man child for fifteen years… and you HAVEN’T told him to grow the hell up yet? Good sweet fancy kittens jim bob LORD. I’m telling you, if this man had come to me AGAIN with another idea about how to ruin our future and possibly my health and safety by giving up everything, I would probably punch him in the face, run out of the house screaming ancient chants and set the car on fire.
The last 15 years have been 5 year cycles of your husband destroying your life because he doesn’t want responsibilities and you having to clean it all up. You know, just in time for it to happen all over again. What this man has done to you, put you through, is disgusting. You don’t even have the luxury of worrying about your own needs, which can be very great with MS. He stole your ability to not only rely on a partner, but to be able to rely on yourself.
My mother is not a particularly religious woman, but our family is from the south and there’s a saying she always used to give for people she’s through dealing with. “That man needs to COME TO JESUS.” Once again, my mother did not mean it in the religious sense, its more of a polite way of saying that someone needs to get their sh*t straightened out.
A COME TO JESUS talk involved my 5’11” mother, a small room, and no exit strategy. It was used with only the most high alert of situations, I myself only received it once, when she discovered I was failing school. But those of us who’ve been on the receiving end, the survivors we like to call ourselves, like to drink a cold beer and toast in relief that my mother let us survive that day to fix whatever mistake we had made as fast as our terror stricken bodies would take us.
Your child husband needs a COME TO JESUS. Whether you’re willing to go to therapy with him, send HIS ass to therapy alone, or divorce him and start your life over without all of his drama, this man needs a good old fashioned, hands on hips, southern style, HOLLERING AT. And make sure to finger wag, that always sends it home. And if he still is a selfish brat after the CTJ shock wears off and refuses to contribute, then start improving your life with the only thing in it that is willing to improve, yourself.
Ah, yes, I’ve been a participant in a few “Come to Jesus” meetings….
While I LOVE the visual and it brings me back to my roots, I don’t think this guy is even worth a Come To Jesus talk. Waaaay more energy than it’s worth. Imagine LW if you could take all the energy you put into him and put it back into you…pretty amazing, huh? I would say follow the advice about meeting with an attorney, and possibly a therapist and financial advisor if you feel like that would be beneficial, and just get the eff out of there. Although he owes it to you, there’s no way this guy will be able to be there for you when you need it most.
Yeah, I definitely think you’re right about him. This guy has a habit of discovering something’s hard, avoiding it, and resenting the people that made him have to think about it in the first place. I really doubt he’ll change, and I think financial planning and divorce should happen for her sake, but its important for her to be able to assert dominance over herself and her life again even before she can get divorced, and nothing says alpha dog like a Come To Jesus.
Good god yes! I’m a Southern girl myself and the “come to Jesus” meeting can be a life saver in this type of circumstance. I will say though, that it only works if you’re prepared to follow through. The LW needs an exit plan and a lawyer FIRST so she knows realistically what a divorce would look like for both of them. Then she can sit him down and explain exactly what is going to happen, i.e. either you keep your job, get help and fix your sh!t as of yesterday or we’re getting a divorce and here’s how that looks for you. I personally would have the divorce paperwork in hand and plop it on the table, a little dramatic I know, but would definitely get the message across.
My job involves insurance and the legal system, and we use that phrase all the time. And I’m a northerner. I love the expression.
We definitely use it up here in the North. It’s a great expression.
My mother uses that expression too! And when she does, wooo boy is somebody’s shit about to get straightened out. She gets this look that’s basically like “if you don’t get your shit straightened out rightthisminute, I will straighten you out.” Shudder…
You are not dealing with a rational being. My younger sister pulls this stuff, but at an accelerated cycle. Everything is about almost instantaneous gratification. Drama, self-centered, minimizing blame, etc. Some of it is a narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Some of it could very well be bipolar disorder. Hell – another part could very well be that because of your own illness, you enable it rather than deal with it because you are just too damned tired, frustrated and feeling like crap yourself to tackle him head on and allow him to walk all over you.
He will only get worse.
It is time to discuss things with an attorney. Talk to an MS support group who might be able to point you in the direction of cheap/pro bono legal services (since I’m sure you are struggling financially thanks to the manchild’s impulsiveness). The attorneys can help you find your way out. Start separating finances now. You need to Make it clear that if your “husband” quits his job and goes on the road, he does it without you and without your support, and he cannot come back. Period. Be firm. If/when he leaves, invite someone you trust to stay with you for a few weeks while you file for divorce, and start taking his name off of things. Get a new bank account in a new banking institution. Do not deposit money in your joint account. Even if he calls, begging for money. Do not enable him. Take him off all utilities. If he’s on the house, you will have to keep him on the house until the divorce decree says he can be taken off, unless he willingly signs off when he leaves, but most guys won’t.
Take his name off of the vehicle you drive. Why? If he is hurting for money, he may sell it without you. In Alaska, if there are two people on the title of a vehicle and it’s an XXX or XXX on the title, only one need sign off on the sale and it’s legal. I started my divorce and my ex sold my only vehicle right out from under me while I was working. Legally, there was nothing I could do, as he was the co-owner.
Again, talk to an attorney and see what ALL of your options are.
Ok, so yeah, there is something seriously wrong with your husband. Whether it’s mental illness or generalized doucheyness, it really doesn’t matter at this point. I don’t know that saving the marriage is worth it– I’m not you– 15 years is a long relationship to give up on so I can understand if you feel some hesitation, but how much love is left? But what I will say is that regardless of what you decide in terms of the relationship, you have got to disentangle your finances. Don’t let him take you down with him.
You need a lawyer and a financial planner who can help you figure out what your options are. You should also talk to a realtor and a good property manager about the house. The realtor should be able to give you the skinny about selling the house (and if anything they say sounds fishy, get a different one). If selling it doesn’t sound wise, talking to a contractor and a property manager about splitting the house into apartments to rent might also be an option. You can also look into renting the entire house wholesale or renting individual rooms (particularly if there’s a university nearby). A good property manager would be able to advise you on the rental situation, what you could realistically charge, and what you would need to do.
Arm yourself with information. Get into some sort of routine to help manage your stress levels (i.e. therapy, yoga, acupuncture, massage). Then decide what you want and realistically what you can have. When you’re ready and know what you want from the situation, sit your husband down and explain it all to him. Then follow through and do what you need. He’s a big boy and can take care of himself.
I would really like to see an episode of House with one of the differentials being “generalized doucheyness”.
This letter is sad. I have precious little advice. I guess you should dump this guy and be done with it, but why did you take this long to wake up? Not bashing the LW here, just feeling frustrated for her. Ladies, don’t let this happen to you. All to often, it seems, women come to their sense too late. Seriously. This guy sounds like he has been a loser from day one. By day three or four — MOA. Don’t sit around till wait until day 5,475! Because by then–it will be too late to escape with having your life seriously in shambles…
So, advice to LW. Fucking dump him. Keep the house. And hope the market rebounds.
Get a good divorce lawyer to advise you.
Do not leave your house.Make your husband leave.You have invested your inheritance in this house .Let your husband get an apartment & pay rent .You have invested your inheritance in this house .If you do not have income or a job it would be hard for you to pay a monthly rent.Stay in your house.Let your husband leave& make sure that your lawyer has him pay you alimony & health insurance .