“Should I Move My Daughter Away From Her Dad?”
We are doing the long distance relationship thing because we love each other, no one else compares and the small amount of time we do get to spend together makes up for the time we are apart. I have visited four times now — two times with my daughter and two times alone, but when I have to leave him, the pain and overwhelming emotions I feel are almost unbearable.
I would ideally like to move there but don’t think I can unless I win full custody of my daughter. I just got back from seeing him yesterday and I feel like my heart is broken. I only get to see him around every four months or so and it’s sooo hard. Please help me with any advice you may have! — Mom in an LDR
I’ve written a lot about LDRs, especially how I believe they can work (my marriage is proof!). But, because you are a single mother, you aren’t really in a relationship with just one other person. You and your daughter — and to an extent, her father — are a packaged deal. What’s best for you and your relationship with this man may not be what’s best for your daughter, and as a mother you have decide whose needs are most important. Can you be happy if you don’t pursue a relationship that brings you immense joy? And if not, can you still be a great mother to your daughter if you sacrifice a relationship so that your daughter can stay close to her father?
Let’s say you are awarded full custody and you’re able to move to San Diego with your daughter to be with your boyfriend and close to your remaining family. How often will your daughter get to see her father? Will you be willing to give up summers with her so she can spend them with her dad? What about major holidays and other school breaks? You also need to take into consideration that if you were to eventually marry your boyfriend, you’d be a military spouse, which brings a whole host of issues to deal with. You will have to be prepared to move frequently — perhaps even halfway across the world. How would you manage visitation between your daughter and her dad then?
These aren’t impossible hurdles. People cross them all the time and are able to live happy lives. Divorced or separated parents live far away from each other and their kids shuttle between them, sometimes going months and months without seeing one parent. It happens. It could happen for you. It could “work.” But you have to do some soul-searching and decide whether the gains — a potentially happy relationship/ marriage — would be worth the sacrifices.
You also need to have some serious conversations with your boyfriend about where you both see this relationship going. Would you move you and your daughter to San Diego without some kind of commitment from him? Are you prepared to make a commitment to each other after only seeing one another a handful of times? How does he feel about potentially being your daughter’s stepfather? What if you move there and he is deployed right away or given orders to move to a different base? Would you stay in SD? Move with him? Move back to Canada?
There are a lot of practical questions and issues here that you need to very thoughtfully consider. It can be easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a long distance romance, particularly if you’re on the heels of a bad breakup or a nasty custody battle. There may be a factor of this long distance relationship feeling like an escape from the stresses at home. So you need to be very aware that by planning some kind of future with this person, you are adding stress to your life, not avoiding the stress you already have or trading that stress for a different stress. You are adding more to your plate to deal with.
Is this guy worth it? Is the relationship worth carting your daughter away from her dad and then potentially moving her from place to place? Only you can answer that. And my bet is you don’t know enough yet about your new boyfriend — or what your custody situation will be — to answer that question completely. So in the meantime, continue seeing your boyfriend when you can and begin having these important discussions with him. Talk with your lawyer about what kind of custody agreement you would need in place to live the life of a military spouse to a man who isn’t your daughter’s father.
Maybe most importantly, talk with your daughter about her feelings. Does she like your new boyfriend? Does she like the family you have in San Diego? Does she like traveling and seeing new places? And what’s in it for her if you pursue this relationship and move her away from her dad? If you want to avoid at least some potential drama, you need think about how to sell this idea to her should it become a reality. But make no bones about it, there will be drama. And it may be too much for you, your daughter, and your boyfriend to deal with. Prepare yourself, as much as you can, for this not working out. That way, if it does, you’ll be pleasantly surprised and more ready to handle the inevitable challenges. Good luck.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
That was a perfect answer.
It sounds like Wendy has given you a lot to think about.
FWIW, I have a 4 year old daughter, and in the eventuality her father and I were to separate/divorce there is no way I would move her far away from him.
SIngle parent letters on DW usually have a pretty even split in the comment section, I´m on the side that says your kid/s have to come first. 4 is a tough age, they´re stopping being “little”, but they´re also not “big”. And change is hard for them. Is it worth putting your 4 year old through a huge move like that for a guy you barely know???
Um no. Stop being selfish. Think of what’s best for your daughter – not you.
I suspect there may be more here than just missing someone you’re in love with. If you’re experiencing overwhelming sadness and a broken heart every time you say goodbye, it’s not healthy. You sound desperate. I have an ldr and it shouldn’t be this painful. You’re in a difficult time in your life – the end of your marriage, a custody battle, loss of family where you are… Perhaps you are placing too much pressure for your happiness on this relationship – it seems like you want this person to rescue you from the difficulties of your life.
But the truth is that only you can make you happy. You need to create a happy, calm routine for yourself and your daughter, then decide what to do about dating. Once you get yourself together, you may find that you dont “need” your bf quite so desperately.
You also have to think about the distance the military is going to cause for you even if you move to San Diego. I am going to assume that he is in the navy since you are talking about San Diego. I speak from experience when I say that this life you are signing up for is not easy. I was in the navy before and I am currently a navy spouse. Deployments are rarely 6 months long any more… they are usually longer. Also, when your guy isn’t deployed he’ll be expected to get underway for things such as work ups, inspections, and training. I am sure he told you shore duty would be better? When I was on shore duty I worked from about 6am till 7 pm every day. My husband is currently on shore duty and he usually works till about 7pm and is gone three to four days a week. You need to think about this stuff before you move your daughter to another country. Military spouse/girlfriend life isn’t easy… you have to be ok with being alone.
Perfect answer! WWS!
I think the LW is thinking about herself and her feelings more than what is best for her child. While it’s great to find love again after a divorce and a custody battle, is moving really the best thing for your girl? Is it really better for your child in the long-term to be moved away from her father and possibly his extended family so that you can go try it out with some other guy? Would you be ok living in San Diego if it weren’t for him? And being married to someone in the military brings a whole host of issues beyond what you already have going on. You don’t like being away from him for 4 months? Try a year where you can only speak to him once a week through a blurry skype connection, because that’s a very real possibility and don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s not. I just think the LW needs to put her emotions aside and think more practically about this. Plus, it all depends on the outcome of the custody case, so all of this could be a non-issue.
Wendy has given you a lot of things to think about with respect your relationship with your boyfriend and your relationship with your child but I think the key factor is the relationship your daughter has with her father. Is he involved in her life? Is she close to him? Does he treat her well? Because while the new relationship with your boyfriend may be the best thing for you – you need to be governed by the best thing for your child… and ripping her away from a loving parent – either loving parent – is not in her interest. And for right now – her needs trump yours. It’s part of the sacrifice that parenthood entails. And while it may not be fair to your new relationship to stay – it is definitely not fair to her and her relationship with the man you chose to father her for you to go. If the new boyfriend is the man for you – then the sacrifice might have to be on his part to relocate near you. You say it is sooooo hard to only see your boyfriend every four months – think about how many o’s your daughter will have to type when she talks about missing her father.
Given that the boyfriend is in the military, he has little choice about his location (if any). His only real choice in the matter is whether or not to re-up when his current enlistment ends, which may mean an entire career change for him. LW needs to have some serious conversations about their li g term commitment, goals, and professional future.
I agree with others that have said this. It isn’t a good sign that you are so distraught over leaving. Instead of viewing that as how perfect and awesome he is for you – you should be looking internally and asking why you are feeling such intense emotions over this / projecting those emotions into a need / adoration for this man. It isn’t healthy to feel that way about someone at this stage in your relationship and even then it is strange without extrenuating external circumstances.
I agree, but I also think that the general newness of the relationship is to blame perhaps? I mean, would I say something similar about missing my boyfriend of three years? Probably not, I mean, I love the crap out of him, don’t get me wrong, but we’re far enough along in the relationship to know that if its going to work out it will.
That said, the language she uses, like unbearable, sooo hard, and hearbroken is worrying, because I don’t know if those are really signifiers for a healthy relationship. In that, I don’t think that I would ever use words like that to talk about my relationship, even when we were long distance (East Coast to Japan) for six months (early on in our dating) – did it blow, yep, would I have talked about how much I miss the boyfriend in those terms, probably not.
Ugh, kinda ramble-y…sorry..
could you imagine this lady as a military wife when/if he was deployed? god… that would be most annoying facebook posts ever.
But didn’t you know? There love is better than yours because they’ve withstood deployments and still stayed together.
i agree with wendy very much!
this is not as easy as a long distance love. there are many, many more factors to consider. that being said, me and my sister did the long distance parent thing, and now that we are older, i am not close with my dad and my sister is. so it is possible to still have a good relationship with them even with long distances just as it is possible that the distance will be too much to overcome.
If you take the boyfriend out of the equation, would you still want to move to San Diego? Like Wendy said is it about leaving a situation that doesn’t hold the stress and sadness that your home in Canada does? If you moved to San Diego would your extended family provide help to you and your daughter? Are you close to them? Is that part of the driving force in the move. Because, moving to have a better support system can be a good idea. Moving to be with someone who from your timeline seems you haven’t been dating very long is not.
Has your boyfriend visited you in Canada? How long does he have left in the military? Is he making a career out of it, or is he planning to put in a certain number of years and then work as a civilian?
Personally I think you need to put any decisions involving a move off until you are done with the custody battle. Divorce and court is hard at any age, and despite what you might think your 4 year old will remember this. My sister vividly remembers having to testify in court at age 4. Unfortunately this is one specific time where she needs to come first. I think remarrying can be great for kids, but the timing has to be right as well. I just don’t think personally while in the middle of a custody battle is the best time to be making these kinds of decisions.
“If you take the boyfriend out of the equation, would you still want to move to San Diego?”
Yes, this. If a big part of your motivation for moving is that you want the support of the family and friends that you have in San Diego and that support is something that will still be there for you even if this relationship doesn’t work out, it may be that on balance the best thing for your daughter IS for you to move.
The reason for your move shouldn’t be so that you can pursue this relationship, but if there are other reasons that moving is a sensible decision for you and you daughter, being able to also see your boyfriend regularly is a nice bonus.
But I agree with the people who have said that your emotions seem to be very intense and that you should take a look at why you might be reacting so strongly to being separated from your boyfriend.
LW, someone smart once said “don’t mistake longing for love.” Sounds like that might be what you’re doing. Of course it’s fun to be with someone new, and of course you miss him when you’re not together…but how much time have you actually spent together. In real life, not in vacation mode?
Like others have said, this is a big move, and comes with all kinds of custody and immigration issues. If you’re moving to be near to your family and get support while raising your daughter, that makes sense. If you’re moving because you think your life will be magical with this guy (who, frankly, you don’t know all that well), I’d reconsider. Mostly because you have a child now and can’t just go wherever you want without consequences for her.
LW, I agree with everyone else that your daughter has to be first in this situation. I also agree that you seem to be projecting something about your distress over your current situation onto your hopes for your boyfriend. It’s not healthy to be so upset when leaving your boyfriend after a visit.
Does your ex know that you have this new boyfriend that you are so attached to? If he does, it’s likely that he’s going to bring that into the custody battle and use it against you to keep his daughter near him- either to hurt you or simply because he doesn’t want the distance from his daughter. If he doesn’t know yet, you probably need to keep this toned down so that he doesn’t get the chance to use this card against you- especially since you seem melodramatic in this letter. Add to this that your boyfriend is in the military- he’s probably NOT going to be able to move to you, so if you get stuck with a custody agreement that doesn’t allow you to move, you’re going to be out of luck.
And here it comes, I’m playing the therapy card: You clearly need therapy. Going through a divorce and custody battle is hard enough on its own but you’ve gotten yourself mixed up with a military boyfriend in another country and seem to have pinned unhealthy expectations to the relationship. While it might work out, I see the chances of that as being VERY slim. Do yourself a favor and see a therapist to work out your emotional issues and prepare yourself for the whole situation unravelling. And get your daughter into counseling as well. It’s hard for a child that young to be caught in divorce and when you add the boyfriend to the mix, she’s probably very confused.
My husband is a Marine and I see military couples getting divorced left and right because they move way too fast. I understand why — the separation is hard, and if you get married, the military will pay for your living expenses. It’s very tempting. But marriage is hard, and marriage in the military is even harder. You’re in that blissful new period of a relationship…long-term decisions should not be made in that period, especially when you have a child. Also, if you absolutely cannot stand the heartbreak of being away from this man…how will you deal with deployments? Pump your brakes. Try and think clearly.
Exactly, I think that she’s still in the blissful, “we’re different” phase, but, truthfully, people are rarely different, and before engaging in life-changing decisions that will effect, her, her daughter and her ex-husband, she’ll need to carefully and thoughtfully consider ALL of the pitfalls her relationship with the new boyfriend may encounter, to do any less would be a great disservice to her child.
As a former military spouse, now single mom with a daughter who sobs in my lap about once a week (and twice yesterday) for her deployed Daddy, I urge you to be cautious on all fronts here. Take things slowly!
When I got divorced, I remained in the same town as my ex-husband, so my daughter could see him as much as possible. Sadly, he didn’t really take advantage of that, and has now volunteered for a position that will take him first to DC for training, then out of the country. So not all single moms can stay nearby to their exes, even if they want to. And we, as humans, just like the rest of the world who are not single parents, should be allowed to live our lives, including seeking out companionship someday. That being said, the LW needs to exercise EXTREME caution here. Seeing her boyfriend every few months is probably complete and utter bliss, because their visits are so rare. But how do they know how they will feel about each other on a rainy Thursday when they’ve both had bad days at work? How about when the daughter is sick and no one got any sleep? It’s difficult to start out a relationship as a LDR in any circumstance, even harder when there is a child invovled. Moving the daughter away from her father and presenting this new man in her life is going to be confusing at best, disastrous at worst.
As Wendy said, you need to consider how you feel about living in San Diego in general. If you move there and things don’t work out, what will you do? Will you stay there? Will you have a job so you can support yourself? I could go on and on, but I urge you to be mature, and think this through clearly. You want to move across the country (to a new country) for a man you have seen in person less than 10 times (if I read correctly), all with a 4 year old who will no doubt be crying for her dad, her friends, her old town, etc. Please take this slowly.
Yes, this.
I also feel like you’re moving way too fast. To me, a couple of questions remain. Your daughter has seen this new guy what, 2 times (the 2 visits)? And I wonder, how long exactly have you been dating him? How long do you even know him? Also, you say you’ve had a bad relationship with your ex but don’t mention if he’s good dad or not. We’re left to assume he isn’t, as you’re seeking sole custody. Battling for it, no less. Right?
Take it easy there.
But I bet the military dude is quite dashing, with a hard body, and San Diego is so beautiful…and little girls don’t need to see there fathers.
If the EX wants to be an active involved parent, it is in the best interest of all parties for him to have the opportunity. But sole custody is unhealthy, if both parents are stable and nurturing they should share. Whatever happened between the parents couldn’t be more irrelevant to the present. (barring abuse)
LW sounds like she makes mistakes with relationships, and is immature…
JUDGEMENT PASSED
Do not move your daughter away from her father. My parents got divorced when I was 11 and only being able to see my dad a few times a month was painful enough, I can’t imagine how your poor daughter would feel if you took her away from her father for such long stretches of time at such a young age. You are a mother, your needs don’t come first anymore.
LW, everyone has said what I would say, but I do have a question: why are you the one doing all the traveling in order to spend time with this guy? Even military dudes get vacation days or a long weekend upon occasion, don’t they? Tell him it’s his turn to come see you and let’s see what happens.
I can’t add much more than, listen to Wendy! She knows what’s up.
But seriously, I agree with the others who are concerned with how intense things are right now. Your primary concern should be for the well-being of your daughter, first and foremost. Uprooting your daughter (or leaving her in Canada) is a huge move, not to mention moving yourself to San Diego for your ldr.
No. The way you talk about this guy sounds a lot like infatuation. It might be different if you were talking about shared visions for the future or signs that he would be a good and willing father to your daughter, etc. But you don’t. If the reason for moving was about you wanting a better support system in raising your daughter, then I’d think that was a good move.
You may not like your daughter’s father, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t her father. It’s important for kids to be able to have as good a relationship as possible with both their parents. LDRs are not innately sketchy, but if you’re with a guy who you’ve only known in a long-distance capacity, it is extremely difficult to determine how serious he is about you. For all you know, he gets laid by a different woman every night when you’re not there.
When you have children, you can’t make impulsive decisions like you can when you’re single. You just can’t. You are the sole person who is responsible for making your child’s life good or bad, and you should be a little more worried about that, I think.
Before you answer your question, LW, answer this one.
If your ex gets sole custody of your daughter, would you still consider moving to San Diego away from her for this guy?
Just think about it.
If you’re “battling for custody” I dont see how you would be awarded sole custody unless he is an obviously unfit parent. Most people end up with joint custody. Also even if you do win some custody its possible they will tell you that you cant move out of your area. Please settle your custody case first.
Are you a dual citizen? Is your daughter a dual citizen? I ask because you don’t mention that, and *especially* in 2025, you can’t just “decide” to move to America. Also, California is blue, but consider whether you want your daughter to grow up in America the way things are currently? Signed, a dual citizen from Canada, living in blue Colorado, but still pretty fucking terrified.
I went thru every single comment looking for this one. Unless she forgot to mention she is a US citizen, anyone considering a move here from another country is not thinking straight.
OP, how would you feel being separated from your daughter and new bf because you’re in detention?