“Should I Reach Out To My Late Father’s Second Wife?”
Then in 2021, my aunt and I had a falling out mostly due to political differences (she is much more conservative than I am). She eventually sent me a text that said “have a nice life” and I mostly haven’t heard from her since. She did reply when I asked about medical history for a procedure I was about to have, but that was it.
I am now writing this on the second anniversary of my mother’s passing. I did not have a very good relationship with her either. Her dying means that that only living relative connected to my father is a woman he married after my parents’ divorce. I do not recall ever meeting or speaking with her as a child, nor do I remember her ever reaching out to me when my dad was ill or after he died. Today I sent a message to my aunt asking for this woman’s name and contact information so I might connect with her. My aunt replied, saying that the second wife does not wish to be contacted and added that she hopes I can understand and respect her wishes. This makes me quite sad.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have my aunt, father, and mother in my life. I also wonder what it would be like to talk to this woman – my father’s second wife – and hear about her time with my dad. I did end up finding contact information for her and I’m debating whether or not to reach out via mail. If what I found is accurate, she is 88 years old and residing in a nursing home halfway across the country. I don’t know if my aunt was being truthful about the wife’s decision to have no contact. (My aunt lied to me about another matter I never confronted her on). I would have no choice but to respect her wishes if she did not wish to communicate with me. But should I at least try? I know what it’s like to witness the end of life and hear regrets about not doing or saying something before their last breaths are taken. — A Daughter Looking For Answers
I don’t think it’s a good idea to reach out to your father’s second wife. Yes, there’s a good chance that your aunt lied to you about the woman not wanting to be contacted, but you have to ask yourself why she would lie about that. Maybe it’s to protect you? Maybe this woman, whose name you didn’t even know, never heard about you. It’s possible that the father you had no contact with from the time you were four years old never told his second wife that he even had a daughter. Maybe that’s why she didn’t reach out when your dad was ill and dying. You also don’t mention whether the two were still married when your father died, and maybe you don’t know whether they were or not.
There’s a lot you don’t know, and I appreciate your desire for clarity and for a better understanding of what your father was like and why he didn’t maintain a relationship with you, but I’m not sure this 88-year-old stranger in a nursing home however far away, who may not know you exist is going to be able to give you answers that satisfy you or make you feel good. At best, your letter reaches a woman who is receptive and has the mental faculties to answer your questions. And what do you think she could possibly say to help explain your father’s disappearance from your life 45 years ago? What information could she possibly share that your aunt hasn’t already that could begin to make up for the pain and rejection your father’s absence caused?
I’m concerned that the possibility of this interaction going well is so minimal that it isn’t worth the risk of re-opening old wounds (or confusing an old woman whose mental and physical health is unknown to you). And if these old wounds never really healed, I don’t think that this is the best person to provide aid. A good therapist, your friends and/or a romantic partner if you have one, and maybe even your son if he’s old enough, are in a better position to support you. But if you insist on reaching out to this woman, I would limit it to one single, short letter that provides information rather than asks for something. You could give your name, tell her that you were related to her former/late husband, and invite her to reach out if she would like to learn more about how you were related to him. Then, accept that you may never hear from her, and even if you do, she is unlikely to give you what you want, which I suspect is any sign at all that you were loved by your father or an explanation as to why you were abandoned if you were.
Given your personal history, maybe the past isn’t the best place to look for love or a sign that you matter. Instead, look to the people who show up for you now. That’s where you’re going to find what it is I suspect you’re really looking for. That’s where you’ll be reminded that your father’s actions are a reflection of HIS character, and not a measure of your value.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
What Went said, 100%!
Even though the children are the ones who are wounded, the failures of a parent are just that – the parent’s failures. You deserved better from your father. That’s a given. Whatever he did is no reflection on you, the child you were, or the person you are now. All it is is a demonstration of his weaknesses, nothing more.
I would reach out. But I would leave it at a short brief letter inviting contact should she want it.
What you really need is therapy.
You lost your father, and had a bad relationship with your mother.
Those are both huge traumas.
The fact that you are obsessed with your father’s second wife solving your problems is very telling.
You need a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma and to focus on your own healing.