Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Stay With Him Until He Leaves His Wife?”

I am in my twenties, and four months ago I met a man, fifteen years older than I, who told me he was unhappy in his marriage and had tried leaving his wife before but didn’t because his daughters were too young. Now we both claim we have fallen in love, and he wants to get an apartment with me and eventually divorce his wife. All the meanwhile he’s still living with his wife. He says they’re just roommates and nothing more. Emotionally I’m a wreck because I miss him when we aren’t together. He asks me to give him time to leave her because he has a lot of assets and needs to prepare before the separation. I never planned for any of this and nether did he. We just got along so well and now have both fallen. What should I do now? Do I wait? He doesn’t want me dating anyone else and swears that, if he leaves her and then he and I don’t work out, he’ll hurt himself.

I care about him and I know I’m not ready to walk away, but I’m hurt and tired of sharing him. I just know he’s someone I can see myself with, but this living in a limbo for four months is becoming stressful and painful. — The Other Woman

Oh, honey, no. He’s a married man — what are you thinking? That he’s going to leave his wife, you two will get an apartment, and everything will be perfect? He’s already told you if it isn’t perfect — if it doesn’t work out — he’ll hurt himself. You think things are stressful and painful now? Just wait until you have the burden of his life hanging over you. And there are so many ways and reasons this relationship wouldn’t “work out.” You think his wife is going to go quietly into the sunset never to be heard from again? Oh, hell no. They have kids together. There will be court dates, fighting over those assets he says he needs to “prepare,” and trying to figure out a way to co-parent in a way that best supports his kids.

And let’s talk about those kids. You think they’re going to think kindly of the woman who broke up their home? You think it’s going to be a cake walk dealing with them and that they won’t affect your relationship? As I said already, if you think this limbo period is stressful and painful, just wait until you’re dealing with a scorned ex-wife and two girls who blame you for wrecking their parents’ marriage.

I don’t think you’re a bad person — I don’t know you. But I do think that you’re in over your head, that you haven’t thought about how your actions are affecting other people, and that you do not have a clear idea what your future looks like with this man. It’s not an easy future, I can tell you that. And if you can’t even handle the four months of banging another woman’s husband because it’s just so painful and stressful for you, then you’re not going to be able to handle what comes next in this scenario if you stay with him. MOA. Save yourself the grief and get off this train wreck now, before even more people are hurt.

I have a friend “Mary” who was in a relationship with a man named “Carl” for about one and a half years. Everything was fine until they got engaged and moved in together, at which point Carl became extremely physically and emotionally abusive. (Mary wrote off these “accidents” as something that was okay because they were fighting and she shouldn’t have made him mad.) Her family, my family, her other friends, and I all tried to get her help, but in the end she didn’t see anything wrong with what Carl was doing to her.

At some point, she came to me to talk about their wedding because I was supposed to be her Maid of Honor, and I told her I couldn’t support her relationship with Carl and I wouldn’t be involved in the wedding. She then she blocked me from her life and wouldn’t speak to me for six months. About a month ago she showed up at my doorstep at 10:30 p.m. with the news that she and Carl had gotten into another fight. She had tried to leave to cool down, and his response was to tell her she deserved to feel all his pain. And he then killed himself in front of her in their kitchen. She called her parents and told them she wanted to see me. I can never forget the screaming when she got the call that he was gone (after having been put on life support).

My issue is that now she is grieving, thinking that Carl was this great guy who loved her, and everyone is lying to her and going along with it. (Her parents did try to be blunt with her but that only backfired.) I want to be supportive of her and try to help her move forward, but I am happy Carl is out of her life. I wish he hadn’t died, but I am happy he can’t hurt her anymore. He had threatened to kill her before, and we feel so lucky that he didn’t kill her when he killed himself.

I don’t know how to help her if I can’t be sad or even share how I feel with her. — Trying to Be a Good Friend

 
Grief is grief, regardless of whom you’re grieving for or how that person treated you. That Mary’s relationship with Carl was as complicated as it was, and that she was so deep in denial, has potential to make her grieving process even more complex. Why complicate it any more by trying to convince her she’s grieving for a monster? I’m with the friends who are “lying” to her and going along with backing up what a great guy he was. Now is not the time to try to change the narrative Mary has clung to all this time. If you want to be a good friend — and I believe you do — encourage her to seek some grief counseling. Even absent the abuse she suffered, losing a loved one and watching him kill himself right in front of you is worth getting some professional support to help process all that.

If she finds a great therapist, maybe in time that person can eventually help address some of the issues in her relationship with Carl and help her see her worth and how she deserves better going forward. But you’re not her therapist and this isn’t your job. Your job isn’t to share how you feel or to even be sad with her. You can be grateful she’s no longer in harm’s way and hopeful she can move past the grief and eventually find her footing again. And you can do all that while even being a shoulder for her to cry on. You don’t have to have liked Carl to appreciate that Mary is grieving right now, and that’s all you need to focus on.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

49 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Essie September 15, 2017, 8:30 am

    LW1 – No. Just no. You’ve only been in this for four months, leaving now won’t hurt nearly as badly as it will when it’s been 5 years and he’s still making excuses about why he needs more time to leave.

    Spoiler alert: he’ll probably never leave her. And he won’t hurt himself if you leave. And everything Wendy said was true. Plus, if by some miracle, he does decided to leave, and his wife finds out about you, you’ll be dragged into the divorce proceedings.

    Fast forward several years. Let’s say you hang on through all of this, and your relationship survives, and he marries you. What did you win? A guy who cheats on his wife. A guy who deals with difficulties in his relationships by drowning his sorrows in a sweet young thing who’s almost young enough to be one of his kids. Is that what you want? Do you really think it’s going to be different with you? You’d be getting a selfish, thoughtless baby-man who’d rather find a sidepiece than stick with you through the hard stuff.

    That sure isn’t anything I’d want.

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 8:31 am

    LW #1- WWS!!!
    If he treats the woman that he’s been married to for years, who is the mother of his children this shitty. What do you think he’s going to do to you when he’s no longer interested in you?
    .
    Any dude who’s miserable in his marriage, who needs time to ‘prepare’* his assets in order to end his marriage is a dude who is…a) shady as hell, b) lying to you in order to keep sleeping with you or c) probably both.
    .
    Please end the relationship, it’ll be hard but staying with him for years waiting for him to leave his wife will be infinitely harder.

    *Let’s be honest, ‘prepare his assets’ is code for try to hide the money so his wife doesn’t find out he’s got a side piece, and take his ass to the cleaners in divorce court.

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    • avatar

      Ron September 15, 2017, 10:46 am

      I think the LW understands the code. She wants the assets to set herself and married bf up in their new life. If she will date a married man living with his wife and kids, then she will condone stealing money as well as the father from that family.

      LW: please think very hard on this. You are young and setting your path in life. Is this really the person you want to be. Do you really want to tie yourself to a man who cheats on his wife and plans to abandon his family, stealing what he can of the family wealth on his way out the door and leaving his kids to cope as best they can, on who knows what family income? That would make you a very nasty and selfish person, but that is the outcome you are hoping for. I don’t think you’ll get it. This guy is playing you. But with that level of selfish/nasty you sort of deserve to be played.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 10:58 am

        I agree she knows what it means but the thing is…when he’s bored with her, he’s going to do the same thing.
        .
        It’ll be worse for her because he came into the relationship with the majority of assets. So she won’t be entitled to anything! He’ll take everything and leave her destitute probably with a kid of her own to raise.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 10:59 am

        Lol. Ask Marla Maples how that turned out for her.

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      • avatar

        carolann September 16, 2017, 3:53 am

        When I read this all I could hear was “me me me me me me me me me” I spent four whole months with this guy and poor me… gimme a freakin break! GTFU! She doesn’t even know this guy! He is giving her the same exact lines 95 % of cheating married men give their side piece. For all we (or she) know he could be having a just fine relationship with his wife and sleeping with her regularly while keeping the young side piece for no other reason than to boost his ego. Claiming he wants to get a place with her is just blowing smoke to make her think he is sincere. If his wife got word he would probably dump her like yesterdays trash in like 30 seconds. She deserves it because she has no concern for anyones feelings but her own. BTW I have stuff in tupperware in my fridge that has been there longer than four months. Bitch PUHLEESE!

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      • avatar

        carolann September 16, 2017, 3:59 am

        Oh and he may be asking to move in with her because if his wife finds out and kicks him out and he has to pay $1000 (or more depending on how many kids we are talking about) a month child support he will need someone to help pay the rent.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor September 15, 2017, 3:36 pm

      “*Let’s be honest, ‘prepare his assets’ is code for try to hide the money so his wife doesn’t find out he’s got a side piece, and take his ass to the cleaners in divorce court.”

      I’d be shocked if this anything other than him just jerking her around. Unless you have some kind of moblike money laundering scheme and you’re willing to also risk submitting false tax returns, etc you it’s awfully difficult to hide your assets in a way that will withstand much scrutiny in a divorce proceeding.

      And in the vast majority of states she doesn’t get to take him “to the cleaners” because he cheated. It’s all done from a formula. Courts don’t want to weigh into who is at fault.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 3:54 pm

        Well, if the wife finds out that he has a side chick, and the reason for the divorce is that he wants to shack up with said side chick then the divorce proceedings are going to be a lot more acrimonious. The wife is going to fight tooth and nail for the maximum amounts of money for alimony (if applicable), and child support. She’s not going to go quietly into that good night.
        .
        LW is the one who said he’s going to “prepare his assets” which I took to mean he’s going to drain the bank accounts, and stop the credit cards without his wife’s knowledge. Which isn’t mob-level money but could still have a huge impact on the wife and the kids in the short term.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor September 15, 2017, 3:58 pm

        I get that’s what he said, but given the practical futility of that, I’d bet that it’s just a ploy to keep her on the hook.

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  • avatar

    Brise September 15, 2017, 8:44 am

    LW1: you are in your twenties? Please don’t waste a minute more in this false situation. Get yourself a good available partner, this is so much better!

    LW2: That is terrible! For her sake, you can’t tell her you are happy that this man is out of her life, even if you think so. He was a wreck and toxic and crazy, but she loved him and a death is traumatic. It is very meaningful that she chose you: it shows she somehow agreed with you. I think you can be there for her, listen to her, but only a therapist can really give her the necessary help in this shock.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne September 15, 2017, 8:58 am

    LW 1 – He is manipulating you!!! You need to end this immediately. I dated a man 8 years older when I was in my early 20s and this is so so similar. Everyone told me to not get involved, but “we were so connected” and “we had never felt this way about anyone else.” With perspective I now see just how dysfunctional this relationship was. It still fills me with shame that I was so naive. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did and get away from this guy before you end up pregnant.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne September 15, 2017, 8:59 am

      I should clarify, I didn’t end up pregnant. Those two thoughts are separate. But I did have a scare and when I told him I wouldn’t abort, he was not there for me to support me. He turned away. And what happened when it turned out I wasn’t pregnant? He came crawling back…and I took him. Such shame.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie September 15, 2017, 8:59 am

    LW1 – You barely know this man. 4 months? A man who is unhappy in his marriage needs to end his marriage before he starts sleeping with someone else. And why is he so unhappy in his marriage – because his wife is caring for his children while he is out and about not taking care of his marriage, his kids or his home because he’s with you. Grow up. Even if he leaves his family – you are always going to be waiting for him to lie to you.

    LW#2 – I am so sorry. Something similar happened to a friend. She and her husband were separating and he was going off the rails with prescription drugs. She was terrified for her kids and was trying to get sole custody when he died of a massive heart attack. Now she talks about him like he was a freaking saint. I think it started because she didn’t want to speak badly when her kids talked about him. Sometimes I want to shake her by the shoulders and remind her of when he was so high he had a car accident with the kids in the backseat. Recommend therapy. She’s been through a traumatic event and he likely had her so twisted up that she thought no one else would love her. Good luck.

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  • avatar

    wobster109 September 15, 2017, 9:15 am

    LW1 – Do not date married men.

    But especially do not date people who threaten to hurt themselves and blame it on you. Whatever he does is all on him. If you believe him then he has total control over you: “Stop being friends with X person or I’ll hurt myself”; “Move with me to Y country or I’ll hurt myself”; it will never ever end. Threatening to hurt himself is abusive. Let LW2 be a warning to you. I’m telling you in advance, whatever he does, even if he kills himself in front of you, it is not your responsibility, and it’s not your fault.

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    • avatar

      LisforLeslie September 15, 2017, 9:16 am

      Very good point. I think some others made it. Threatening violence or harm, whether directed at you or at himself is abuse.

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  • avatar

    csp September 15, 2017, 9:26 am

    LW2 – There are ways to support someone without condoning the relationship. Focus your support on her. “I am sorry you have to deal with all of this.” If she says a nice thing about him, tell her “I am sorry you have to deal with this grief and all these memories.” of “you don’t deserve to be haunted by all these conflicting memories. I wish I could make it better for you.”

    All these are true but you aren’t confirming he was a good person. Support her. If she tests you, you can say ” I obviously had concerns about your relationship but I always loved you and I am sorry you have had to endure this.”

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  • avatar

    Arra September 15, 2017, 9:38 am

    LW1: I suspect you won’t stop seeing this guy despite the advice you’ve been given here. So……..please use birth control.

    LW2: It’s NOT about YOU!

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 15, 2017, 9:47 am

    LW1: There are so many red flags here. I’ll try to break them down. 1) He doesn’t want you to date anyone else, but he is still married. He wants you to make a commitment to him, without him making one to you. Never make a commitment to someone who isn’t willing to give you the same. It’s unbalanced. He gets all the benefit and you do all the work. No. 2) He’s married. “My marriage is over anyway” is literally the oldest story in the book. If he’s that unhappy, he needs to leave. Never mind “assets”. An honest man will leave before he starts dating other people. 3) If it doesn’t work out, he says he will hurt himself. This is emotional blackmail. He is trying to manipulate you, don’t fall for it. 4) He is a cheater. Rather than do the decent thing and leave, he wants to cheat on his wife with you. Think about that. If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you. 5) You will have contributed to the breakup of a marriage. Do you want to do that? 6) You’ve known him for four months. Four months is not long enough to get a true picture of who someone is. Although, he is showing you a lot. You need to open your eyes at look very hard at what he is showing you. (See all above.)

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  • avatar

    Fyodor September 15, 2017, 9:52 am

    I foresee a column in fifteen years where this woman is outraged that his daughter won’t invite her to their wedding.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor September 15, 2017, 9:53 am

      *her* wedding.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie September 15, 2017, 10:10 am

        @Fyodor – that assumes that they’re still together after 15 years. That’s highly optimistic. More likely scenario: She isn’t allowed to attend the kids’ extracurricular activities so as not to upset the mother. And the guy is suddenly working late and taking a lot of
        “guy trips” on the weekends.

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  • avatar

    Vathena September 15, 2017, 10:37 am

    “I stayed for the kids” + “We’re nothing more than roommates” + “I need time to get my assets in order” + 15 years younger + “I’m so in love that I’ll hurt myself if you leave me” = a guy who is NEVER going to leave his wife, but wants to make absolutely sure that you’re trapped into being his hot young side piece du jour, at his beck and call. The oldest, most tacky and tawdry trick in the book.

    It’s only been FOUR MONTHS! Moving in with someone after four months, even in the best of circumstances, is a bad idea. It doesn’t even sound like you’re super into each other. “We both claim to have fallen in love”? “I miss him when we’re not together” well yeah, no shit, so does everyone else with a crush. Just think, if you guys DO end up together, you can have the stain of being “the other woman” hanging over your head for the rest of your life! Sounds great!

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  • avatar

    Northern Star September 15, 2017, 11:02 am

    Grief isn’t something that can be rationalized away. I have a friend who is still grieving (hard) the loss of a man who committed suicide a year ago. I’ve seen her push away people who tried the blunt approach, because her pain is very real. No amount of rational logic is going to make her stop feeling it. I don’t have to “support” her love for the guy when I listen, because I feel sorry that she’s hurting—not sorry that he’s gone. But she’s also seeing a professional, which is crucial.

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  • avatar

    Bittergaymark September 15, 2017, 11:04 am

    LW1). No.
    .
    LW2). Eh, let this one go. Ghosts always become saints! Unless you are Joan Crawford.

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    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 11:30 am

      Not even her. The brother (I think Christopher is his name) ended up corraborating Christina’s story of Joan’s abuse towards them.

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      • avatar

        Bittergaymark September 15, 2017, 11:59 am

        EXACTLY! Joan was NO saint. Though I came to understand her better in FEUD. 😉

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    • avatar

      TheHizzy September 15, 2017, 11:48 am

      Exactly on #2. My BFF’s ex was horrible. Cut everyone off from her, abused her, got her into drugs and all that jazz. He died suddenly when we were all 18. I was secretly relieved, she knew he and I didn’t like each other. I still feel her pain every year on his anniversary but NEVER would dream of bringing up how much I hated him. I hate that someone lost their kid, and I can’t be anything more than “whew, that was close.”

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  • avatar

    LW 1 in 15 years September 15, 2017, 11:38 am

    Sweetie. I’ve been right where you are and I know exactly how it feels – the joy of finding a “soulmate”, the pain of sending him back to her, the delight when he comes back to you.

    In my case, we made it through (together) but we still have the scars. The ex will be even more awful than you imagine during the divorce. He might leave and then go back to her “for the sake of the kids/to wrap it all up” several times and it will break your heart every time. The question of “how did you meet” will still make you feel shame 15 years later. The ex will play the sick kid kid/need you here for family Christmas post-divorce in a ploy to get him to choose her and the kids over you again. His family may never accept you – he and the kids will get celebratory cards from his brother with no mention of you, even though you’ve been married for 5 years. It will be so hard for him to co-parent, because the nature of your beginning means that you’ll never be welcome at soccer games and graduations – always leaving him feel like he needs to choose between supporting the kids or being with you (and he’s not a very good dad if he chooses you). The tension of that will nearly kill him. And you’ll have to work so hard to be recognized as being worthy of influencing the kids as they grow given that you’ll always be stained as a homewrecker in their eyes.

    Had you told me how soul crushingly hard it was going to be when I was trying to back out of it at the four month mark way back when, I would have listened and stayed away. I would have begged him to take care of ending the the marriage then we could see if we could begin again. I would have made that the beginning of my self-exploration with a therapist (why was I prepared to settle for less than a full and honest relationship) instead of finally invoking that when I realized I had married a man who could never really place me first, had step-kids and in laws that despised me for ruining a happy home and where I need to lie regularly about how we met and when we started to date to save face,

    Please be gentle with yourself. I hope that you see that while a break now would hurt for a spell, telling him to finish his business then check in to see where you are at gives this the best chance to flourish if he really is the one you are meant to be with. And I’m just not saying this for myself. My husband, whom I love dearly and who I know loves me as much, says often that the biggest mistake he made during that who time was allowing “before” and “after” to coexist. He would have ended the marriage and for the real reason much sooner and much more definitely had I not been there to make him feel good sometimes. I know it would have broken me less while it happened….

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 15, 2017, 11:55 am

      This is really powerful insight — thanks for sharing.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros September 15, 2017, 12:25 pm

    LW1: Usually when guys say this, they are the one that thinks their relationship with their spouse is just roommates, while the spouse thinks it’s a marriage. If they were truly just roommates, then it wouldn’t be so difficult to divorce because all that would be left was signing on the dotted line. You’re letting yourself be manipulated badly. Based on the timeline, he’s been “trying” to get a divorce for what, a year? How long before the past four months has he been trying? You’ve got a guy who claims he will leave his wife but has no evidence he will who won’t let you date anyone else and is blackmailing you into it by threatening his safety. Even if he left his wife, surely you know you deserve better than a loser like that, right?

    LW2: You don’t have to be grieving yourself to be a good friend. Haven’t you had friends who lost someone you didn’t know, like a parent or another family member? I assume you weren’t grieving their family member you’d never met, right? Aside from that, witnessing anyone’s suicide would be incredibly traumatic, no matter who the person was. You don’t have to personally be as sad as she is to treat her well.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie September 15, 2017, 12:32 pm

    Very related to this – I recently read this article where the mistress-turned-partner has similar sentiments.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2240052/I-stole-womans-husband-Twenty-years-kindness-makes-sick-guilt-day.html

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    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 1:20 pm

      Haha, the wife is going to have the last laugh in the situation. Um, she’s still married to that guy, so that means when he dies she inherits everything. everything! All of the assets from her marriage, and his assets from the partnership with the sidechick (half of her business). So yeah, she can afford to be nice cause she’s getting everything that John owns, and that side chick will be left with bupkis.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. September 15, 2017, 2:12 pm

      I have to hand it to the wife here. She’s getting the best revenge possible.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones September 15, 2017, 3:59 pm

        I remember a story where the guy died, and his first wife inherited everything because he forgot to change his will. The second wife (former side chick) was left with nothing cause she had been totally financially dependent on the guy.
        .
        It was a bittersweet story. On one hand, the Karma of the situation was pretty damned epic but then I felt bad for the second wife cause she had a young kid to raise.

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      Scarlet A September 15, 2017, 7:09 pm

      Oh my god that article is so cringey. Why are you simultaneously so guilty and also have no shame???

      It’s also weird that she’s like “I STOLE HER HUSBAND!” and then provides all this evidence that like, this dude pursued her and then kept her as a mistress for years. (Not saying she’s blameless but she really seems to have internalized that she’s the sole guilty party here and her “refusal to let him” leave his wife would have fixed this, but she was too selfish. Newsflash honey: he was gonna do what he was gonna do, one way or another.)

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    • avatar

      Ruby Thursday September 15, 2017, 8:00 pm

      While I feel for the family, I don’t know how much sympathy I can muster for an ex-wife who refuses to get divorced, but expects to live well of her husband’s money indefinitely. He took a financial hit, she had to move. At least she’s not homeless.

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      • avatar

        Bittergaymark September 16, 2017, 9:53 am

        Yeah, to me the current wife in name only didn’t come off very well either… Let it fucking go and move on, Catholic bullshit. Like Jesus is really gonna applaud this farce of being married in name only… Absurd. Hilariously stupid.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom September 16, 2017, 11:29 am

        If he actually wanted to be divorced he would be divorced. He doesn’t have to get the permission of his ex, who is actually not an ex, to get divorced. The woman writing the article needs to think about that. If he wanted to be married to her he would have been married to her years ago. He prefers to be married to the wife even though he is living with the mistress. The wife and her kids will inherit from him and get whatever pension goes to a spouse. The mistress and her kids will get nothing unless he writes a will that gives them a share.

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      • avatar

        Janelle September 16, 2017, 2:18 pm

        So agree. I mean she moved from a 6 bedroom home to a 4 bedroom, and her kids are all grown. What her husband did was wrong but it is so odd to stay married just because you are Catholic even when you haven’t been together in 20 years. Taking the rules a bit too literally here.

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  • avatar

    Leslie Joan September 15, 2017, 7:43 pm

    LW2, you say that her parents being blunt with her backfired spectacularly. I wonder exactly what it was they said to her? It sure sounds as though you would have loved to say what her parents did, and are only stopping yourself because of her parents’ disastrous example.

    Wendy gave good advice. Being a friend doesn’t mean just telling her what you thought about the guy. As psychotic as he was, she still found something good in him, and she has been terribly traumatized. It’s not going to help to have people run the guy down. What will help, and you are not equipped to do this, is for her to explore with a professional what she got out of this relationship with a mentally ill person. She needs other peoples’ judgments like she needs an extra head right now. You don’t have to canonize the guy, but neither do you have to demonize him. He’s a person with a mental illness who didn’t get the proper treatment that he needed, and your friend loved him. You don’t need to agree with her choice to understand that she cared about him and feels pain, and know that he too felt pain. A person has to be in a bad way to commit suicide. You can privately feel glad that she is now safe, but she has a lot of mixed feelings to work through. It won’t help to have people who don’t see anything good about him say so. It’s not a lie to keep your views to yourself and be a sympathetic friend.

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  • avatar

    SC September 15, 2017, 10:41 pm

    LW1: this is the oldest story in the books. Young girl takes up with married man … (1st BIG Mistake), and he’s in a bad marriage (Come on girl …you must be smarter than that) and he needs “time…” Make a rule for yourself so that you can maintain some self-respect. Don’t date married men. Ever. This is a disaster and you need to MOA … now. Not next week, now. I honestly don’t have any compassion for you. Wendy is too kind. You’re in your 20’s and the mistress. Just not smart. On any level. One more tidbit – Once a cheater, always a cheater. He has no moral compass.

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    Eva Szekely September 16, 2017, 3:42 am

    LW1 Leave this guy. He is bad news. He lives with his wife but expects you not to date anybody else? Is this fair to you? And he would hurt himself if things did not work out between the two of you? Talk of a controller and emotional blackmailer! Run!
    By the way, you are not “the other woman”. (Who invented this stupid expression?) You are a naive woman who fell for an entitled, inconsiderate and irresponsible man who does not have the decency to terminate his marriage contract before engaging in a new relationship. Do you really think he is the ideal partner for you?

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    Morecoffeeplease September 16, 2017, 9:49 am

    LW1 this is easy. Show yourself some respect and do the right thing. Tell him when he has 100% finalized his divorce and has his own place of residence he may contact you again to see if you still want a relationship with him. Only then will you begin to date him again. Don’t talk to him or see him in person until that happens. Walk away. Personally, I would dump him and never look back. This is because even if he did do the right thing and divorce his wife, his kids and family will always see YOU as the home-wrecker. And it will be true…you were the catalyst.

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    The Other Woman September 16, 2017, 8:20 pm

    Thank you everyone for the advice. Good and bad, I couldn’t handle the thought of not knowing whether he was lying to me or being honest. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore and started just feeling used and like a toy. I started realizing I feel this way because of the situation I put myself in 4 months ago. Reality hit and it continues to hit hard. Earlier this week I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore and to leave me alone. He called and texted all day so at night I said no, if you even want to contact me make sure you’re divorced. Well that was that and his reaction was to blame me and that sounds like an ultimatum and that he needs me for the entire divorce process. I’ve stopped replying. I cry yeah and i miss the interactions but I also don’t feel stresssed or anxious and I don’t want any type of friendship with him. Definitely not dating a married man ever again regardless of what they say. I learned emotionally and physically it’s not okay. Anyways, thank you Wendy and just about everyone else on taking the time to give me advice. Especially the person who told me to be gentle with myself. What you and Wendy said is what’s going to keep me strong if I experience a moment where I do want to contact him or reply.

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    The Other Woman September 16, 2017, 11:32 pm

    Oh and the whole assets thing, he wanted to prepare to have enough money for the new place. He was going to leave the kids the house he said. He said he felt that it was selfish of him to pursue love and divorce the mother so this way he could potentially just support them and their mother yet maintain his fancy lifestyle for us. Honestly the more I think about it and just keep reading the not so sugar coated comments the worse I start to feel. I feel stupid for believing him or that she had cheated. Regardless in no way or form am I trying to make myself the victim. I am not. I’m an adult and should’ve known better. I’m just feeling horrible for my actions and participation and wouldn’t ever out myself in that situation again. Regardless of the emotions… I can know say to others if I’m ever asked advice on anything like this. Don’t do it. So now it’s just time to pick up the pieces and move forward. Thanks again to your comments and me stumbling across this website Wendy designed. It’s great to get perspectives from strangers. Then I can begin the healing journey after I cry and let out all the emotions of anger and pain. Thank goodness it’s just 4 months and the feelings temporary. ????

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      Kate September 17, 2017, 7:05 am

      Oh, he told you the marriage wasn’t working because she cheated? Obviously I have no idea if she did or not, but I do know that’s ALWAYS what guys say because they want you to believe the deterioration of the marriage was all “her fault,” not his. We see it on here all the time. He’s a great guy and she’s a cheater or crazy / psycho.

      Also, maybe he had a vision in his head of saving for a fancy apartment / lifestyle for you two, and leaving the house for his family, but that was never going to happen. I’m not saying he was 100% just lying to you, more like generally being dishonest and unrealistic with himself and you. Come on. It was a daydream.

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      Ron September 17, 2017, 10:08 am

      LOL. He feels it’s selfish to divorce his wife, because he can just support her and the kids if he stays married? He can agree to a high child support rate and NOT hide assets from his wife and the court and ‘just support’ his ex and the kids even better. Of course, then you and he wouldn’t have as luxurious a life-style. Men who stay married to support the wife and kids don’t hide assets. That’s what men do when they actually are very selfish and don’t care if the wife and kids live in penury, as long as they and their new woman can live in style. His explanation makes zero sense. And he needs you to stay throughout the whole divorce, a process which he has not even started. This guy is a super implausible liar.

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      Janelle September 17, 2017, 11:25 am

      P.S. 4 months is nothing. Crying and having such a big need to move on is somewhat odd. That sounds cruel because obviously your emotions are what they are but in general you should not be so wrapped up in anyone in 4 months. You have no idea who someone is so soon.

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