“Should I Tell Her That I Feel Inferior To Her?”
Things are going well. She likes me and I like her. We connect with each other. She’s a really great kisser with plenty of sex appeal. We get along well and the conversation flows nicely. We’re both in our mid-40s, with no kids. She married at 27 and divorced three or four years later. She said her ex-husband was very money-hungry and a very jealous person.
She likes eating out at nice restaurants, and she enjoys art and interior designing. She has a nice place and drives a Mercedes. She’s paid for the majority of our dates. As for myself, I own my own place and have a job that pays OK (not a high salary, but I’m happy). I’ve never been super ambitious. I like to travel and have fun. I “work to live,” as they say. I come from a working class background and have never been concerned about being rich. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be poor either, but I’m not obsessed with money.
My issue is that I often feel inferior and inadequate to Louise. She makes much more money than I do and her family is from a business background while mine is working class. I often feel she’d be more suited to a businessman because I’m much more laid back whereas she’s more driven.
I want a woman to accept me for who I am. I don’t want anyone to change me. A few weeks ago she asked me about my aspirations regarding work and I told her I’m not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder. There was neither a positive reaction nor a negative one. She hasn’t given me any indication that she wants me to change, but perhaps she may do this down the track. Who knows.
Should I tell her I feel inferior? (I don’t want to.) Am I overthinking this? Are we suited? Is it a bad sign that I’m asking you all these questions? Does this mean, because I’m not sure, that I should end it? It’s been awhile since I’ve had a long-term relationship, so maybe I’m coming up with excuses not to. I’d love to hear your thoughts. — Feeling Inferior
Honestly, I think you’re being sexist. You’re dating a woman who has given you zero indication that she’s unhappy with who and how you are, your background, how you’re living your life, or your personal and professional aspirations. You seem to enjoy each other’s company. You sound compatible, which you say is what you’re focused on finding. Your inferiority sounds 100% self-created. You don’t like that a woman you’re dating makes more money than you do, even though she has expressed no qualms about it herself. If, in your mind, your relationship would feel more balanced and well-matched if YOU were the one making more money (or if you made the same amount), that’s sexism. When your income imbalance creates no other issue except your own inferiority complex, that’s sexism. This could be a great relationship. You could be really well-matched. You might be exactly what she’s looking for in a partner, and vice versa, and you might blow it because you can’t deal with a girlfriend owning a Mercedes when you drive a Honda (or whatever). In short: You best check yourself before you wreck yourself.
But saying that won’t make the inferiority disappear, I know that. You know what might though? Communicating to Louise. No, don’t tell her that you feel inferior. Not only is that a turn-off, but it’s also a quick way to sabotage any potential your relationship might have. But you can tell her that you were thinking about your discussion the other day when she asked about your professional aspirations. Tell her just what you told me — that you work to live and that, rather than focus on climbing a corporate ladder or aspiring to making loads of money, you focus on enjoying the small and big pleasures of life. Tell her that, while she may have different priorities, you respect and admire her ambition. Can you see how your lifestyle and values might complement hers? Can you see how you might grow and learn from each other? If so, tell her.
Ask if she sees your lifestyles as complementary and compatible. Maybe she doesn’t know yet, and that’s ok. You’ve only been dating for two months — you’re still getting to know each other and figure out whether you might be a match. But give her the time and chance to figure it out. Don’t decide for her that you’re “inferior” because you don’t have the same professional ambition that she has. Maybe she doesn’t give a shit about that. Or, maybe, as she learns more about you and how you two mesh, any idea she might have had about the kind of guy she was looking for will morph. Often it takes falling for a specific person to realize that what we thought we were attracted to (like brown hair, for example), was superficial, and that it’s the other stuff that we can’t always put a finger on that has a far greater impact on our relationship success.
P.S. It wouldn’t hurt to pay for dates more frequently. Just because she CAN and DOES pay for the majority of them, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate your doing the treating more often than you currently do. Choose activities that are within your budget — cooking dinner for her, for example, or planning a picnic spread — could be both affordable and romantic, and they could show her that you value her beyond her sex appeal and bank account.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Eurgh, nothing about this guy is attractive at all. He’s worried about feeling inferior meanwhile he’s a freeloading misogynist with nothing to recommend himself from the sounds of things. Let her go and stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
Am I the only one who thinks this is a red flag?
“She’s attractive(ish), not beautiful.”
Maybe he is desperately trying to find something to “reduce” her, which is a huge red flag imo. If you don’t like her go find a brunette!
Yes! First thing that struck me about his letter. He sounds like a jerk.