“Should I Tell My Boyfriend That My Friend is Trans?”
My boyfriend of two years, of course, hangs out with my friends. Nick has frequently invited all of us over for game nights, etc. My boyfriend also has only known Nick as male. He doesn’t know that he’s trans, which doesn’t matter except I feel like I’m hiding something from him. Sometimes my friend has said things like how he was a flower girl when he was a kid, and I think my boyfriend has just brushed off these comments or thought Nick was joking. Nick and my boyfriend are not Facebook friends, but it’s just probably because they are basically acquaintances through me rather than because Nick is hiding something.
It’s not my place to tell my boyfriend that Nick is trans. But I also don’t want him to feel like he’s not “in on it.” He sometimes puts his foot in his mouth unintentionally to lighten the mood, and I don’t want him to say something he doesn’t mean without context, even though he is not homophobic or transphobic. That is partly my own insecurity, I admit. I could ask my friend if he’d be ok if I told my boyfriend. I kind of don’t think we are close enough to do that, but maybe it’s my only option. Any advice? — Not So Transparent
This whole letter and conundrum feels like fetishizing Nick, who may not care if your boyfriend knows he’s trans but would likely hate knowing that you’re anguishing over whether or not or how to tell him. He’d also probably hate that you think his trans status is something you are “keeping” from your boyfriend as if it’s your personal information or your burden to unload. It isn’t. You are under no obligation to make sure your boyfriend knows about Nick’s past so that he can better understand one-line asides Nick might make on occasion.
But I can understand how you’d be confused as to whether you have an obligation to keep it a secret if Nick is fairly open about it and makes comments that suggest he assumes most friends and acquaintances know about his past or he doesn’t care if they know. It’s still not your information to share though, and “outing” someone who is trans, even within a friend group which is supportive and open, can have consequences those of us who aren’t trans may not fully grasp or understand.
In that vein, while I would not suggest asking Nick if it would be ok if you tell your boyfriend about his trans status, I do think it would be ok to frame similar kinds of questions around wanting to be a supportive ally and seeking clarification on how best to do so. So, instead of saying, “Nick, would it be ok if I told my boyfriend you’re trans so he isn’t left out?”, you could say: “Nick, what are you thoughts on people sharing the status of trans friends with others? Do you think that’s something that should only be shared directly by the trans person or with direct consent from the trans friend or is there some flexibility?” You could even follow it up with: “For example, I’ve never told my boyfriend because I felt it wasn’t my information to share, but I also wasn’t sure if you cared whether people know since you’re pretty open about it.”
When your questioning comes from a place of wanting to support your friend, rather than figuring out how to share gossip with your boyfriend in a way that doesn’t make you feel guilty, there’s much less room for unintentionally offending or hurting feelings and more room for dialogue that can lead to deeper understanding.
(Also, you’re right: this isn’t in my wheelhouse and while I’ve had trans friends, I don’t claim to know the best way to handle a situation like this, so anyone who thinks my reply is off, please let me know!).
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He doesn’t want to make babies, 18 types of birth control is a good idea.
LW1: Just tell your BF your friend is trans. Wait… you don’t do it because you know he will react badly. Right? What does it say about him?
LW1: I don’t see this as fetishizing, I see it as someone with the same “diplomat” trait that I have. 🙂 I can understand where you’re coming from – if your BF is new to the friend group, is he the only one who doesn’t know the guy is trans? And you don’t a) want him to inadvertently put his foot in his mouth and feel bad about it and b) inadvertently make your friend feel bad?
If everyone else in the group knows this guy’s backstory except your BF, and he’s out on social media, and comments are sometimes made in the group that reference friend’s trans-ness, I don’t think you’re breaking confidences by mentioning that friend is trans.
My answer would change if you were one of a select few people in the group that friend has confided in, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
I felt the first letter was strange. Your boyfriend seems like mild acquaintances with Nick. Your boyfriend is probably not deeply invested in Nick’s life. Nick is a guy, a man, a dude. End of story. By agonizing about a big secret, you are communicating that you feel Nick’s manhood is somehow false and, as Wendy said, some kind of fetish or dirty little secret. If it happens to come up, tell him to ask Nick.
LW, I don’t know your age group so don’t know if it is remotely the same and don’t know where you life, because that is probably highly relevant.
My daughter graduated from high school this spring. In her school and in her friend group kids were openly trans. It was no secret to be kept. It was just a fact.
If you live in an area where it isn’t safe to tell anyone that a friend is trans don’t say a word. If the friend is trans but never lets anyone know then don’t say a word.
I’d follow the lead of the trans friend. If they are openly trans, and in groups that include your boyfriend, making references to before they transitioned then they aren’t keeping the fact that they are trans a secret from your boyfriend. If you boyfriend has any friends who would be negative in any way to this trans friend then I would also probably say nothing. Look at your entire situation but follow the lead of the trans friend.
LW: I’m nonbinary and my fiancee is a trans woman, so I have tons of first-hand experience, and I gotta ask–have you considered just asking Nick what his comfort level is in terms of friends and acquaintances knowing about him being trans?
Seriously, no need to dance around the topic. Just pull him aside when you’re hanging out, or shoot him a private message on social media, and say something like, “Hey, Nick, for future reference, are you okay with me referring to you being trans, and, if so, in what circumstances and with what wording should I do it?” Then follow his instructions.
Comfort levels and preferred language vary in the trans/nonbinary community. For example, I’m completely uncloseted, have legally changed my name, and REALLY don’t like to be referred to as “female” or with any gendered term, whereas my fiancee is open socially but uses her dead name with the legal system and considers “male” to be an accurate descriptor for some of her experiences. It’s better to ask! It might feel a bit awkward, but you’ll know what’s what, and I for one would rather answer questions than have to deal with dysphoria and confusion.
NB: I’m autistic, so I’m more comfortable being frank than the average person might be. Also, DON’T ask Nick questions about highly intimate things like his sex life or his physical transition status and/or plans.
I’m a little uncomfortable with what I see as some of the assumptions here. First, for Nick not to tell someone, doesn’t mean he’s hiding. Some trans people identify as trans and some just identify as man or woman or any other gender. So, it’s certainly not them hiding something to simply present themselves to people they meet as that particular gender, without saying they are trans.
If your boyfriend would be mad not to know or needs to be told a trans person is present in order to not make inappropriate comments, then that’s a personal problem that has nothing to do with Nick.
The whole trans thing can be a real power-keg as far as saying the wrong thing. Wendy has good advice. But…,Honestly, the whole reason this is even an issue is Nick keeps saying things that make it so — like him being a flower girl in some long ago wedding. Ask Nick what he wants — but really, if he wants this kept hush-hush… he should stop talking about being a flower girl in the past.
If your friend had red hair, would you feel the need to tell your boyfriend that he used to be blonde? If you set aside all of the emotional issues and extraneous questions, that’s really all it boils down to. Your friend used to present as female, now he presents as male. End of story. Please don’t think that I’m trying to minimize the difficulties, emotional upheaval, pain or danger of being trans. What I’m getting at is that acceptance of someone’s identity should be just that, acceptance of things at face value without adding qualifiers or explanations so that other people “get it”. Hopefully, that makes sense.
LW: I think you are making WAY too much of this, especially considering you and especially your boyfriend aren’t even that CLOSE to him! Something you are forgetting is that anyone could be trans so any remark that is transphobic or inappropriate for company in which you KNOW there is a trans person shouldn’t be said in ANY space with others. Have a talk with him about that! The way I’d handle it is if it comes up in conversation, like saying he was a flower girl, I might ask, if he seemed ok discussing it, “Did you know then that you were a dude?” Then your boyfriend might say, “Huh. I didn’t know you were trans.” But a very important lesson is that YOU are not responsible for what your boyfriend says or does!!! If Nick is very sensitive or feels that it is a topic he’d rather not discuss, you might casually mention, “just FYI: Nick h in a trans so he prefers not to talk about….”. The key is to not think of it as a DEEP DARK EXCITING SECRET!