To be honest, I am also very worried that she will not be able to handle the stress of the situation. My medical history reads like a work of fiction from the horror and scifi genres, and I know full well the horrors that await if it is what I hope it isn’t. I am very much concerned and terrified of what this will do to her. This is the first time I’ve had someone in my life (outside of family) to consider when making choices in this particular realm.
Should I tell Joyce my suspicions now? Should I wait until I have the money for a doctor and then tell her? Or should I keep my mouth shut and wait for the biopsy results to come in and then only tell her if I pop positive? Please help me. — She’s All That Matters
After three years together and serious discussions of buying a home, getting married, and starting a family, Joyce deserves to know what she’s signing on for. You’re a man who is either very truthful and genuine in your description of your medical history and concern about having cancer, or you have a great flair for the dramatic. Maybe you’re both. You’re also a 39-year-old who says he has a serious medical history but who forgoes health insurance for a year and decides to wait several months to confirm a “high probability” of cancer. Joyce needs to know all of this. She needs to fully understand the whole package she gets with you so that, if she decides to marry you, there are no surprises about what she’s signed on for.
I don’t know what your financial situation is, but you mention hoping to get a home by the end of the year, so I assume you are saving to buy one. I would suggest tapping into that reserve to see a doctor for the biopsy you think you need. If your suspicion is correct and you do have cancer, then treating it is a bigger priority than buying a home.
However you decide to proceed, Joyce needs to be part of the discussion if you are making big decisions with her that jointly affect so many aspects of your future. And as your partner of three years whom you’re seriously considering marrying, if she is not in a position to support you through cancer testing and potential treatment, that would be a strong indicator that she may not be the one you should vow to stand by in sickness and health.
I want my family to support my decision in marrying Tom and to be present at my wedding, but at the same time if they can’t, I almost feel like saying, “Screw off, then! It’s my life.”
What advice do you have? — It’s My Life!
It’s really fucked up that Tom told your sister’s boyfriend that she had fooled around on him, regardless of whether it’s true or not. He had no business saying such a thing, especially when he only did so out of retaliation for her not apologizing to him for an argument they both took part in. What is he going to do you when you have arguments as a married couple? It’s a worry I’m sure your sisters and mother have, which is why they are so concerned with your marrying Tom. He sounds just as they describe him: controlling and vindictive.
Of course, this is your life and you are welcome to screw it up as much as you please. Ignore your family’s concerns and warnings. Marry the loser who would betray your family — and, indirectly, you — as Tom has done. In the process, you risk alienating yourself from your support system. Worse than that, you risk tying yourself to a man who has the potential to make your life hell if you don’t fall in line behind him.
My advice is to at least postpone the wedding until you have your family’s blessing and/or you feel very strongly in your heart that you are making the right decision. In the meantime, please, for the love of God, use super-reliable birth control (like an IUD).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.