“Should I Tell My Son That His Father Cheated on Me?”
I don’t regret pivoting my life for a moment. My son was valedictorian of his class, graduated from an Ivy League school (which I paid for), and is the most wonderful, kind, and thoughtful person I’ve ever known. We have a very close bond and I simply adore him. Being a single mother wasn’t easy, and there were many times when I struggled to make ends meet, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything in the world.
My question is: I’ve never told my son why his dad and I divorced and I wonder now if I should? He has no idea his father had an affair or that the woman he had that affair with is his stepmother. I don’t know what his father said to him about me, but I don’t think I have the right to destroy a relationship I am not a part of, so I never told him the truth. The stepmother is kind to him, as far as I know, and I’ve always been friendly and kind to her since I didn’t ever want her to mistreat my son when he was at their house. But now that my son is older (37) and I am too (67), I want him to know the truth. Could I? Should I? Or is it too late? — Caught Between the Truth and Hard Place
You say that you’ve never told your son the truth about your divorce and the role his stepmother played in it because you didn’t want to destroy a relationship you weren’t part of, and I have to wonder what has changed that would tempt you to now tell your son the details you previously kept secret? Do you no longer care about destroying his relationships with his father and stepmother? Do you no longer worry about the way his stepmother might treat him? Do you think his age negates the need or desire for healthy attachments to parental figures? Or, is this more about you and your desire for your experience to be understood and appreciated?
I’m younger than you at 48; my older child is just now graduating from 8th grade and my daughter is wrapping up 4th grade, so I am still very much in the active parenting stage. I say this as a way to both share my bias here and my understanding of parental milestones. I’m not a single parent – my husband is an equal partner in parenting and provides an enormous amount of support – and it’s still a demanding job being a mom. Here in the active stage of parenting, the days are long, and while my kids are definitely developing independence, I’m still in the weeds, balancing a lot of spinning plates. I count on the big and small moments of my kids’ childhood to fill my tank enough to keep me going. But at 37, your son’s childhood is long over and you likely aren’t getting those regular fuel-ups anymore – the little reminders that if his success, happiness, and general well-adjustment is a reflection of your parenting, you’re doing a great job.
Maybe, in the absence of regular parenting milestones, you’re now looking back to get the recognition you miss, and maybe you’re thinking that a re-framing of the circumstances might open you to a new round of applause. You raised your child with a broken heart? You sacrificed so much while processing an enormous betrayal? You raised your son as a single mother AND prioritized the sanctity of his relationship with the very person who let you down? You did good. It’s understandable you want the recognition for all the ways you summoned strength, including the ways you kept secret. But it would be a mistake to open that Pandora’s box now. It would be a mistake to de-value the relationship your son has with his father (and stepmother) simply because he’s an adult now. Those relationships still matter, and if you think the truth of how your marriage ended might affect the way your son feels about these people in his life, it isn’t worth the risk.
I’m not privy to your emotional temperature or your current lifestyle or the state of your relationship with your son, but I think each of these may provide clues for a potential gap that you think sharing a long-held secret might fill. It’s in those potential gaps that you’re going to find a better path to what you’re seeking. I don’t think someone who feels personally fulfilled would entertain the idea of blowing up her grown son’s relationships. Sharing the secret of your ex-husband’s betrayal isn’t going to bring you personal fulfillment. What dreams did you previously put on hold that you can pursue now? What new goals do you have? What are some ways you can replicate the kind of personal satisfaction being a good mother gave you when you were still in the active stage of parenting? I promise you, pursuing the answers to those questions will bring you to a far happier place than dishing the dirt on your ex-husband, no matter how satisfying you think it might feel.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS. Fabulous compassionate response to this mother who is still struggling emotionally and looking for a new or continuing connection with her son. Sharing this information could end up changing your relationship with your son in negative ways. That would be so sad.
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I agree with Wendy that you should examine your motives for wanting to share this information now, but I disagree that there’s no good reason to tell him. If you’re looking for a pat on the back, don’t do it. If you want to share because he’s asked a question about your history, feel free. You should be factual but honest. As someone your son’s age, one of the epiphanies of adulthood has been learning how rich and complex my parents’ lives have been. I would be disappointed if they only told me half the truth, especially about an experience that profoundly shaped the trajectory of their life. Hearing about their past has normalized some of the challenges of life in a really helpful way for me.
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Finish your PhD now! It will give you something to focus on and you’ll be asleep to finally tell your ex that you fulfilled your dream despite his terrible betrayal.
I think you should. You did just sacrifice your entire career, and life, it was stolen from you. And then the homewrecker got to go off into the sunset and live a life with the companion that cheated on you. Both she and the dad shouldn’t be shielded.
I say normalize telling kids the truth as soon as they’re old enough and not worrying about repercussions. Whatever relationship issues it causes, would be well deserved.
Your dream career stolen. Your marrige, shattered. Your lifestyle reduced to live in full service of a child, without the support of a companion and not the same life or money, or family memories you deserved to have.
Your son should know who his father really is, and you should get to release that weight that is on you all these years. Its not about being bitter or malice, its about full release and closure that you’re entitled to as part of acknowledgement for what happened.
Leave it alone, there is nothing to be gained by telling him. I was somewhat in your shoes but my children were 3 and 5. Once they were adults something triggered some memories so they discussed it with each other, piecing their memories together. When they brought the subject up to me my response was that it was a very long time ago and that the important thing was that both their Dad and I always loved them. Case closed.
Tell your sons. He might already know. Deep down kids need to know the truth. In fact I think your son may probably already know.
Keeping secrets manifests more secrets. You sacrificed so much for his happiness, I am sure he saw your sadness, anger, depression and never understood. Plus patterns can be generational. When we keep secrets, we pass these secrets down to our children. What makes you think your son may not cheat on his own wife?
When we know and tell the TRUTH we can begin to heal our hearts, our patterns, and focus on the beauty of what is and what is to come. If you share the truth with your son, it is not to bad mouth his dad or the woman he is with. It is to let him know amidst all of the pain, you still chose him, your son, to raise and love. And now you choose to forgive his father. To release what was and could have been so that what God wills for your life can emerge.
God bless you. Always speak and honor truth!!
Tell your sons. He might already know. Deep down kids need to know the truth. In fact I think your son may probably already know.
Keeping secrets manifests more secrets. You sacrificed so much for his happiness, I am sure he saw your sadness, anger, depression and never understood. Plus patterns can be generational. When we keep secrets, we pass these secrets down to our children. What makes you think your son may not cheat on his own wife?
When we know and tell the TRUTH we can begin to heal our hearts, our patterns, and focus on the beauty of what is and what is to come. If you share the truth with your son, it is not to bad mouth his dad or the woman he is with. It is to let him know amidst all of the pain, you still chose him, your son, to raise and love. And now you choose to forgive his father. To release what was and could have been so that what God wills for your life can emerge.
God bless you. Always speak and honor truth!!
I think that you should tell him. Everyone grows up, and they can handle new information. I think that it is beneficial to him and for everyone to have the information. I think that everyone deserves that. They can make their own decisions based upon the information available to them, but I think that it is unfair if information has been withheld from them.
As an adult child who has been in this situation, DON’T.
Unless your son is asking about infidelity, don’t burden him with the information.
What a terrible and misogynistic response. Writer has every right to tell her son the truth. Sure, it’s important she examine her motives, but at the end that doesn’t really matter. She does not owe it to ex husband or stepmother to protect them from the consequences of their actions.
Unless he asks you a question which begets this information being shared (in which case tell him), I wouldn’t. When my parents divorced, I was barely an adult (18) so not the same but I dreaded seeing them for awhile because every time I would, they’d share some information that rocked my world in a negative way. It filled the safe foundation of my childhood memories full of cracks. It has been a very long time and one of them is gone now. I still wish I didn’t know the things they shared. I couldn’t do anything about it and it caused me a lot of angst at the time. You have given your son a lot. I suggest you continue to give him the gift of ignorance. Sometimes, it really is bliss, comparatively.
Motive matters most. He’s plenty grown enough to handle this truth and hiding it to manage the emotions and relationships of others (including him, an adult) isn’t healthy. It also may help him understand things in his own life. But, disclosing it with the motive of engendering an emotional response to anyone or in hopes of changing any relationship (improving his and yours, deteriorating his and his dad’s or stepmom’s) is equally unhealthy. Writer, why not spend a little time sorting out your own perspective with a good therapist? Maybe family systems or similar. That will help you come to your own “why” and also think through how to share this truth in the most kind and helpful way possible for all involved, including you.
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