“The Language Barrier is Killing our Relationship!”
An exchange program allowed me to move to his city for a semester and we agreed that it would be best for me to live with him – not only would we save money, of which I have very little, but we’ve already basically lived together during our visits (with his school and work schedules he can sometimes come and visit me for a month or more). I have been moved in for a month, and though I still love waking up to my boyfriend every morning, I am starting to regret this decision for one big reason: the language barrier.
My boyfriend is from a country where only 5 million people in the world speak his language, so nearly everyone under the age of thirty here speaks English (he is fluent). Though I will take language classes to learn his native tongue (the classes start next week), I am unable to say little more than “thank you” and “good-bye” as there are no classes or tutors for this slightly obscure language in my city in the States. Right now I can only speak to others in English. Yet, when his friends are around, they refuse to speak in English.
They claim, according to my boyfriend, that they cannot sufficiently express themselves in English to carry on a conversation about complicated matters. If I believed this were the case, then I would let it go; however, discussing actors, the movie that my boyfriend and I went to see last night, or the festival going on down the street is not the same as discussing the finer points of current stock market fluctuation. I know that, with a little effort, his friends can talk about casual topics in English, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask them to exert a little in order to include me in those parts of the conversation.
When I begin university in a few days, I’ll begin to form my own circle of friends, pursue my own studies, and, in effect, begin creating my own life here. In spite of this upcoming change, this past month has opened my eyes to how the future could possibly play out and I don’t want to dismiss these feelings. If my boyfriend is content to keep his life as it was when I lived across the Atlantic, meaning to treat me as though I don’t exist when I’m in a room with him and a friend or two, then what will the future hold?
My relationship with my boyfriend is very important to me, but I don’t want to stay committed to a relationship where I feel like an accessory at best and invisible at worst while in company of people who refuse to speak my language. Do I need time to adjust? Do I need to stand up for myself more? Do I need to take action? I’m at a loss as to what to do. — Lost in a Language Barrier
So, let me get this straight: you moved to a foreign country — a move, I’m guessing, you probably planned for at least a few months and to a place where you boyfriend of two years is from — and you only bothered to learn two words of the local language before you got there and yet it’s your boyfriend’s friends who aren’t exerting enough effort to make you feel included?? This is exactly why Americans have an international reputation for being so self-centered and entitled. Yes, your boyfriend’s friends could be more polite and make an effort to get to know you and welcome you by speaking English in front of you, but what about YOUR effort? You are in THEIR country and haven’t bothered to learn more than two words.
It’s your responsibility to assimilate in a new country. And while your boyfriend should certainly be helping you in that transition — starting with the obvious: teaching you a few words of his language and switching to English in group conversations to include you more (or translating for you), the brunt of the responsibility really falls on your shoulders. The good news here is that you’re beginning language classes next week and you have at least a semester to continue feeling things out. As tempting as it may be to cocoon yourself in a clique of other American/English-speaking exchange students, resist that urge. Instead, take the next few months to truly immerse yourself in the culture of your boyfriend’s home country. Learn to cook some of the dishes, acquaint yourself with the traditions and customs, learn how to get around by yourself, and speak the language as much as you can — even if it’s just ordering lunch in a deli or asking for directions.
So often, people who speak English fluently as a second language are much more willing to do so when they see that others are making an effort to speak their language (especially when those people are actually visiting/living in their home country!). It’s a respect thing. Show respect for the culture — including the language — of the country you’re in, and the locals will show you the same respect. Expect everyone to bow down to you because you’re an American or because you’re a native English-speaker, and don’t be shocked when you get the silent treatment in return.
In a nutshell: the more you can learn about the place your boyfriend is from and how well you fit in it, the better prepared you’ll be to make a decision about your long-term future together. Make an effort and it will pay off. Expect everyone else to make the effort instead, and you’ll be screwed.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Very good advice Wendy!
I also can’t help but wonder how you’ve been there for an entire month yet have been unable to pick up more of the language. And as a European myself, I’m pretty much dying to know what country/language this is all about.
I thought the same thing. Wendy’s advice is spot-on. There’s NO EXCUSE for not learning more. My daughter had the chance to go to Latvia, Estonia, Sweden, and Denmark on a tour this summer. Before she went, she was able to learn many useful words/phrases online. And during her trip? When her new friends were speaking in their language, she listened hard (which helped her understand a bit more), smiled, and was pleasant. She came home after only 2 weeks understanding many, many more words than she’d started with.
This is another thing that makes certain americans seem entitled and a little navel-gazing, even. From my days as an exchange student, I remember plenty of fellow high-schoolers who earnestly believed that Europe was, in fact, a single country. I realize that the cause for those poor geographic skills were far more complex than simply arrogance/ignorance, but that’s unfortunately how it comes across.
I would definitely introduce myself as Dutch and really only said European instead of Dutch in my original comments because the LW did so as well. It did strike me as odd that she didn’t even identified the country her boyfriend is from and just refers to Europe.
Italian is hardly an obscure language though, and spoken by far more than 5 million people. Even Dutch has more than thrice that many native speakers.
I love Wiki.
European languages with roughly 5 million worldwide speakers:
Slovak, Finnish, Danish, Sicilian, and Norwegian.
Of course, the LW might be underestimating the number of speakers, too, as Caroline inadvertently did with Hungarian (12.6 million) below. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how few people speak a language–that doesn’t relieve the “responsibility” of learning some when it’s your partner’s native tongue. In fact, the rarer the language, the more it will mean to learn it, and the harder the native speakers may cling to it (preservation of a rare culture).
I agree with the majority of what wendy said and I’m also going to add this: It seems as if you looked at this semester move as 100% ‘time to spend with your boyfriend’ and not necessarily ‘studying abroad’. If you thought about it more as what your experience there actually is, which is studying and living in another country, immersing yourself in the culture and language perhaps you would have given more thought to your own preparation. Almost all of my friends and I studied abroad in college and everyone I know who was not going to places like london or south africa made at least a little effort before hand to pick up the very basics of the main language. It seems as if you thought your boyfriend would be there so he would help you through most things but forgot that he wont be with you all the time, and that there will be language barriers, which you’ve quickly discovered. (thought I have to wonder how his friends were during previous visits, you mentioned you have visited before?)
Another issue in recognizing that this time with him will have many characteristics of studying abroad is that while Wendy is right in not sequestering yourself with americans all the time, you will need people who are going thought the same thing as you to debrief and also to vent, and that cannot really be your boyfriend. So find the balance between immersion and drowning and maybe you can get out of your own version of carrie bradshaw in paris.
I agree. The whole point of studying abroad is to become quickly fluent in a language. Why on earth would you want to visit any country and not try to pick up some of the language. I went to Russia for a weekend and tried to pick up some of the language! In fact in those 2 days I learned more phrases than you know in your boyfriend’s native language.
I studied abroad and although I had studied the language for 9 YEARS before I got the chance to go abroad, I still had a lot to learn when I was there. Everyone there told me the best way to pick up a language is to have a lover that speaks that language. How did you never learn any of his language over the last 2.5 years?? I mean if I had a foreign boyfriend who spoke english I would still be curious about his language and culture. I would want to be able to communicate with him and his family in their native tounge just out of respect. I too attended a foreign language school and I would follow Wendy’s advice and try my best to make non-english speaking friends. Although this school is going to be quite a shock to you since even the beginning classes are conducted solely in that language…..pffttt this letter is just pissing me off so much I want to roll my eyes at the niave LW.
My inner cynicism wants to say that the cushier it is the more people do it and the more $$$ for the college. With my college tuition experience I find it hard to believe that colleges aren’t focused on the money.
I don’t understand she didn’t try to know more about the culture and the language of her boyfriend… It’s part of him! How can you want a relationship with someone without caring where he comes from?
Plus when you go to a foreign country you can find books (in your country) with useful sentences translated and written in “your alphabet” for you to know how to pronounce them (and how they sound)… I am french and when I work as cashier, sometimes I see one calling for someone that can speak for her in english. Even amongst poeple around 20 years old so it’s a mistake to think english can be spoken everywhere.
And you readers are right, I thought “what is this mysterious country she’s talking about?”. probably an eastern europe country or something like Hungary or anycountry with a non indo-european language.
Wendy’s dead-on, especially when she says this: “So often, foreigners who speak English fluently are much more willing to do so when they see that others are making an effort to speak their language (especially when those people are actually visiting/living in their home country!).”
This is 100% the case in my experience. I speak French nearly fluently and have traveled in French-speaking countries a fair bit, but my parents can barely speak two words. So when I went with them to France, they were very nervous because they head French people don’t like Americans and can be rather rude. Much to their surprise, French people actually are quite nice when you make a basic effort to understand their language and how their culture operates. I taught them basic restaurant vocab/phrases, please/thank you, where can I find X? how much does X cost? etc. and they did just fine. Most people chose to speak to them primarily in English if they could, because most of them knew more English than my parents knew French, but they appreciated at least being addressed properly and politely in their native language and not just having people assume they spoke English.
Even if you aren’t a natural language learner and haven’t picked up on the language from having lived there for a month, you have had PLENTY of opportunities to learn the language more directly. And if you ever plan to move to his country after graduation, or even be in his life in any capacity, then you need to make this happen one way or another. Pick up some magazines in the local language about things you already understand– celebrity gossip, movies, world politics, whatever– rent some movies, read some road signs. You say there aren’t any tutors in your home city, but as Wendy pointed out, you’ve had your own private tutor for a MONTH! Ask your boyfriend to give you lessons a few times a week if you need more formal instruction. If you getting along with his friends is important to him, he should be more than willing to help.
LW – One way to try to win over your BF’s friends is maybe to engage with them. Ask them to help you out with the language.
My father learned Provencal (a dialect in southern France – sounds like a combo of Italian and French) by playing word games with his friends from the region. They would run back and forth on the train to school learning curses and funny phrases. One of my favorites translates into English “My special child, if you do not shut up you are asking for a smack that you will regret.”
I’m more sympathetic to the LW than most of the posters. I had a boyfriend in Israel, and also happen to be horrible at learning languages. I had studied Hebrew for 3 years at university and could read okay if I had a dictionary handy but couldn’t hold up a conversation. It does really suck to be sitting with a group of people unable to understand anything they’re saying. However, I tried to look at it as if my boyfriend were a stock broker or something and we were hanging out with his stock broker friends. Of course, they’re going to want to talk about stock broking which might be pretty much unintelligible to me, but, if we’re at home, I can do something else – read a book or watch TV or whatever and let them bond. Or, if I want to be include, I can turn to the person nearest to me and start a non-stockbroking conversation. Honestly, I felt bad if there were six people there who were native Hebrew speakers and they were all talking in English for my benefit only – it seemed so unfair for everyone else to be less comfortable for my benefit only. Really, the only time I got really mad was when my then boyfriend invited me to visit a friend of his and then they spent the an hour plus talking to each other in Hebrew and not including me at all. Since there was only three of us – and since we were going out and there wasn’t anything else I could do – it seemed really rude not to include me.
So overall, try to be friendly, start conversations on your own in English if necessary, and don’t order people what to do. Added benefit is that you’ll learn the language much quicker.
All this said, I have to say it doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship that you’re willing to dump your boyfriend because he’s not ordering his friends to speak English. That doesn’t speak of the kind of commitment necessary to maintain a long distance / cross-cultural relationship.
I agree with you, Robin. I want to cut the LW some slack as well because it sounds like the LW is trying to learn a language that’s a local dialect rather than a national language or her boyfriend’s country is very small. It’s a very different to learn a language that not that many people speak because the vast majority of the language industry caters to tourists.
LW, here are a few suggestions that you may also want to consider:
1. Out of your boyfriend’s friends, which one is the friendliest? You can ask your boyfriend to set up a friend date between the two of you so his friend can also help you learn the language and guide you through everyday life in your new country. Plus, you never know if someone he knows is looking to improve his/her English, so you can set up a mutual thing where you help someone with their English while the other person helps you with the native language.
2. You say there are no classes or tutors in your city; have you tried seeing if there are any resources online? If that doesn’t work out, maybe a language expert or a professor from another university and you can work out an online/email course program.
3. If you none of this works out, you can always post a notice in your new university explaining your situation and seeing if someone would be willing to be your tutor. Even if money is an issue, you can find someone who would be willing to work out an alternative plan, such as you do some chores for that person and you get some free lessons.
Lastly, from what you wrote in your letter, it seems like you feel a little neglected because your boyfriend treats you as though you don’t exist. Has he been guiding you through the whole process? Making sure that your needs are met? Does he set aside special alone time with you or do you feel like you’re always hanging out with him and his friends? When you do hang out with his friends, does he make any effort to make you feel more comfortable? From my perspective, it wouldn’t be asking too much for him to stop every once in a while and say to you, “This is what we’re talking about.” If you’re feeling like you need more from him, you should definitely speak up and see what he has to say.
Good point about the boyfriend. We’ve been really quick to blame the letter writer, but it is possible she’s feeling slighted because she’s actually being slighted. My ex when he picked me from the airport after I spent $1000 and 12 hours in a plane to visit him made me sit in the back of the car and sat in the front and just talked with his friend on the hour drive to his house – barely said anything to me. This is part of the reason he’s my ex. It’s possible that it’s not really a language issue but more an issue of the boyfriend just never really including her.
Agreed with Wendy on all counts.
Also, as someone whose native language is English but who can do a reasonable job of sounding native-level in Chinese, it is entirely true that English is just much more comfortable and expressive to me, no matter how fluent I sound in Chinese. There’s so much cultural nuance and shared heritage in any language that even a daily-life but non-native level of proficiency still doesn’t cover the complexity and depth of idioms, allusions to folklore and history, and even street slang in that language.
When the LW’s boyfriend and friends are hanging out, not only do they want to be comfortable, they also want to communicate with depth and precision – which they might not feel they can to do as well in English no matter how fluent they are. Unless they grew up in a truly bilingual home where both English and the home language were spoken equally, English isn’t their “native” language.
That’s definitely true. Even though I’ve been told I don’t sound American when I speak French (because I learned as a kid) and can express myself relatively smoothly, it doesn’t feel the same to me as English.
That being said, though, she could make an effort with the friends, and the friends would more likely than not make an effort with her. They don’t have to discuss Hegel– like she said, they could talk about a movie or a concert. If they speak any English at all and she makes a decent effort to learn their language, they could probably discuss that with a mix of both languages and maybe even help each other better their language comprehension in the process.
Caroline, I was doing a month-long course in how to teach English as a second language, so I was–by the nature of the class–required to be speaking and working in English almost all the time. We were taught in English, we taught in English, and in the evenings we had to prepare lesson plans in English. Plus, the few Hungarians in the class were using it as an opportunity to polish their English.
That said, both my husband and I were able to learn a few polite phrases before arriving. My husband was studying Persian, because he was moving to Afghanistan, and I was studying Russian, because I was moving to Moscow. That said, I wish we’d learned more Hungarian. The resources, however, were there for us.
My daughter attended a semester in Brisbane Australia 2 years ago. The tuition was exactly the same as her university here. The room and board however, were what the university in Brisbane charged all their students. Not only was it cheaper, but with the exchange rate favoring American dollars, it was substantially cheaper. The books were cheaper for the same reason. We paid airfare from LA to Brisbane, also cheaper because she got the student discount. When all was said and done, she saved about $1000 on the semester. I let her fly from Brisbane to Caberra to meet a friend for a weekend, and also from Brisbane to Sydney. Each flight round trip was less than $100 US Dollars. She had a blast, made the dean’s list, and caught up with a friend she hadn’t seen in 6 years. She spent some money travelling around the Gold Coast and Queensland areas. And it didn’t cost us any more than if she had stayed here in the US.
They claim, according to my boyfriend, that they cannot sufficiently express themselves in English to carry on a conversation about complicated matters.
For my job, I occasionally have to interview people for whom English is a second language, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that your boyfriend’s friends are being absolutely truthful when they say this.
The people I interview need to tell me about their jobs and companies, basically: what they do, how they use technology, and how that technology has helped their companies. It’s also not terribly complex information, but you’d be amazed at how difficult it is for them. Every time they have to search mentally for the right vocabulary word, for example, it interrupts their train of thought. There’s also an anxiety level. Nobody wants to sound stupid. If they mispronounce something, or garble the syntax, and I have to ask them to repeat themselves, imagine how they feel.
I’ve learned not to believe it when I’m told someone is “fluent” in English. Fluency is a continuum, and just because someone can carry on basic small talk doesn’t mean he/she is fluent in the sense of a native speaker . . .
Absolutely true. Native speakers sometimes think I’m fluent in Russian, because I have a good accent and I can rattle off basic conversation. But I know the truth, which is that the sphere of what I can express is limited, even though I am an “advanced” speaker according to all tests.
And a note: the journey from “advanced” student to being a truly fluent speaker requires an investment of YEARS of practice and immersion. That means that it will take the LW a very long time to get to be fluent, and she must recognize that. It also means that her boyfriend’s friends are probably no where near as good as she thinks, even if they’d had schooling in English for many years.
On the other hand, she might think that it is easy for them to speak English, because they “learned from watching television and movies” and it somehow came naturally to them just via osmosis. That’s unlikely. I remember talking to a wonderfully conversant 20 year old Estonian, who could make nuanced word-play jokes in English and who knew many idioms and cultural references. I asked how he’d learned, and he said it was through TV and movies. But then I dug further–asked if he hadn’t been practicing with American students in his dorm and taking English classes throughout his entire elementary education. He looked abashed and exclaimed, “well, but my teacher was a drunkard!”
Every mixed-nation couple ends up with a preferred language – yours might very well be English – but a good understanding of the second language adds so much to your joint communication. You end up speaking a conglomeration of both and it’s brilliant because words in another language can express exactly what you mean, while remaining completely untranslatable. Not to mention making it possible for you to interact with all the people around you – whether you perceive them to be fluent in English or not.
Since you are in your boyfriend’s country, and theoretically at school, the onus is on you to step up and learn everything you possibly can. Take the focus and pressure off your boyfriend to be your social director, tour guide, or interpreter. He’s your boyfriend, not your Mammy – so don’t sit there like a bump on a log through one more unintelligible conversation, grab that dictionary and get ready to add something to it, even if “Awesome!” is the only word you can think to look up…
Sorry I have to disagree with most of the commenters here – this is not about her unwillingness to learn the language, it’s about conversational etiquette. When you are with a group of people who all speak your language but you don’t speak theirs, it’s polite for them to switch to your language for the sake of inclusion (even if it’s not as “comfortable” for them). I’m saying this as someone who was married for years to a Pole, and sat through endless hours of conversations that I couldn’t understand. Even though ALL HIS FRIENDS SPOKE ENGLISH, they chose to converse in Polish around me, a language I never fully got my head around.
It could take YEARS for the LW to become fully conversant in her boyfriend’s language. In the meantime his friends need to be more accommodating and welcoming to her by speaking in English. It’s hard enough acclimatizing to a new country without people excluding you from something as basic as conversation.
Well, I’m going to have to disagree with pretty much everyone for the first time ever. My family comes from Sweden, where nearly everyone (re: 95% practically) speaks English fluently. No, I’m not talking advanced but fluently. Yes, she should have studied the language a little bit before she headed over to the the country of her boyfriend. Nonetheless, his friends are being incredibly hostile and I say this as a bilingual person. They should interject with English once in a while at the very least, and people are a little delusional if they think one year of study would allow this girl to converse with his friends.
This! As a fellow bilingual person who has had partners visit my country of birth (another small European country with a rather difficult language ), I would never find it acceptable to let my partner sit feeling isolated whilst everyone else conversed in another language. There is value in learning the local language, but let’s face it, that takes a long time, years sometimes! It is a matter of basic respect that when around others, we speak the language that everyone is the most proficient in. The boyfriend in question here is also not being a good partner, in fact, I would consider this a red flag in the relationship. He should be encouraging his friends to use English when possible, or at the very least translating.
Now, we’ve been treating this LW as if the *only* problem is her apparent lack of effort over the course of their relationship to learn her boyfriend’s language–something which is a real problem and might be giving *him* as much pause as his and his friends’ behavior is giving the LW.
However, it is simultaneously possible that he and his friends are also to blame, to a greater or lesser extent. Probably the greatest blame is the boyfriend’s, who should encourage his friends to include his girlfriend by speaking English, or more likely by translating the conversation for her. That is basic, caring behavior and for some reason it sounds like her BF is tripping up.
There are many questions that the LW needs to explore over the coming semester. First, she should talk to her boyfriend about what is happening, and request that he translate and help her be included. Second, she should try to get him to set up more neutral or easier social events–rather than parties, they could watch subtitled movies, or get together with just one or two other people.
Second, she needs to learn a LOT about her boyfriend’s culture. Why isn’t he including her? There are many possibilities, and her choice about continuing the relationship might depend on which are the real reasons. Is he selfish? Are his friends foul-mouthed, crude, or demeaning to women, and he doesn’t want the LW to know what they are saying?
Are there major cultural differences that she doesn’t yet appreciate? I don’t know what the situation would be like in a Nordic country, but my time spent in Eastern European/Slavic countries made me VERY aware of the gender-divided culture in general, and especially the macho sociality among men. Are the friends a gender-mixed group? Or are they all guys? Would the GF talking too much make him look bad in front of the fellows (and therefore it suits him to let her be left out)? Would their relationship or her way of expressing herself be anathema to the accepted gender relations in his country?
A female friend of mine grew up in America during her teen years, and expresses herself like an American woman even though she is Russian. She’s a scientist, and she has struggled because it is still common among her Russian peers for women to steer conversation in such a way that the men think that THEY are coming up with all the ideas. The women feed their thoughts and discoveries through the men, and it is expected. She’s had Russian boyfriends who have told her privately that she’s ruined them for other Russian women, because she speaks her mind and they like it. But that doesn’t mean they’d be comfortable with her doing that in public.
LW, you must get to the bottom of this before you commit to your boyfriend, and in that your reactions are justified and sensible. Make an effort to learn the language, definitely learn everything you can about the culture, and talk to your boyfriend about what is happening to see if he makes an effort to improve.
I’m sorry if I seemed harsh above–it is tempting to encourage LWs to fix what is easy to fix, but it isn’t always 100% fair.
I did this in Germany, with my boyfriend who lived their (we met through an exchange program). In the begining, I tried my hardest to get along and understand (I didnt speak a word of German) but eventually not being able to communicate with anybody wore me down and I ended up breaking down in front of everyone over ordering takeout. I was so upset because everyone could speak english, but chose their native german and so I was left out of every conversation, unless my boyfriend translated. My then boyfriend was very supportive, and consoled me as much as he could, but explained that it was embarrasing and hard for his friends to communicate soley in English. I realized then, in the middle of crying how utterly selfish I was being-I am in their country, having a beautiful experience and should be doing my best to work with them instead of expecting them to work with me. So, from then on I did my best to pick up/learn as much German as possible. I started small-repeating what my bf said, ordering all our tickets/food/groceries/clothing, and literally within a month I was gathering the gist of a conversation and understand parts of what was being said to me. In my opinion, its easier to understand being spoken to then trying to speak. I eventually had to return to Canada, but I continued learning German even after we broke up, and I LOVE it!
Just take it one day at a time, and definitely force yourself to learn the language-order a coffee, order dinner, ask for the time, anything to get yourself started. Your boyfriend is the perfect resource-he cares about you and is willing to help. Let him help you help yourself!!!!
When I was in France the other exchange students would sometimes speak english to appease me, however, I had no problem with them rambling away in German because it’s not fair for it to be hard for everyone else just for one person.
My boyfriend speaks a language that is extremely difficult to find language skill cds/books in, but you know what? In the past 2.5 years I have found maybe 4 and have listened to and memorized WAY more than two words. I’m by no means fluent, but I listen politely when the language is spoken and join in when I can. And all without traveling to his country and certainly without being there for a month. I’m with Wendy on this one. If you love the guy you’ll at least try to learn some words in his language no matter how obscure!
1- Maybe you should have learnt a bit more of the language so as not to feel so excluded
2- Why doesn’t your bf translate what his friends are saying to you?
That is what I would do for my bf if we were to hang out with friends of mine who don’t know english (or know very little). That being said, I’m pretty sure some of my friends would try to teach my bf how to speak spanish. (My bf is from the US and I’m from Argentina)
the only thing i would like to say to this LW is that if you AND your boyfriend aren’t willing to mold your lives to be a little bit more american (for him) and little bit more “european” (for you), this relationship wont work out.
think about if you two were different religions, say catholic and jewish. if the two of you really wanted to work it out, both of you would have to learn the others practices, words, traditions, holidays, ect… its really no different. the catholic would have to learn jewish words to understand what goes on at temple, the jew would have to understand the ceremony of a catholic service, and why exactly they do what they do, ect… you would celebrate different holidays, explain to the other and teach what the holidays mean, and how to celebrate them, when, ect…. its literally no different.
i think this letter shows a lack of trying on both your parts- neither one of you is trying to understand the other, in a very literal sense, not just in the language sense.
I was you, more or less, 6 years ago when I moved to the Netherlands to join the man who is now my husband. I understand why you don’t speak much (Danish? Finnish?) and I know why your boyfriend wasn’t gonna play language teacher for those 30 minutes a day you had to chat before you moved (time difference’s a bitch, and in my case, my guy was a piss-poor teacher of Dutch). So ya, I get you. I know it’s frustrating, but it’s nit just language that’s the issue here (him ignoring you in a small crowd, not noticing you are being kept out, not translating or making an effort to include you- explaining his friends’ point of view to you but probably not explaining yours to the friends, etc).
But you _are_ in a foreign country, and this is partly to see if you not only can live with him, but also if you could live in that country, so you need to realize that you are, indeed, the one who will need to adapt and not the other way around.I would suggest a compromise, and have your boyfriend inforce it, that when people come to visit you in the house you share, English will be spoken. Bur when you meet out for drinks or at their place, you are shit-out-of-luck and Danish will be spoken. Could that work? Just remember that for a while, you simply will have to use your imagination to entertain yourself when out with your boyfriend and his friends.
I haven’t read most of the responses but here goes:
I can kinda understand what you are going through though. It IS tough to learn a new language and it can be kind of frustrating when they speak something else around you and you have no way of really being involved in what is being said etc. So pretty much you look dumb standing with a blank/angry look on your face. It sucks.
My friend is/was currently experiencing that same issue. She moved to another country for grad school – though she spoke some of the language before hand, but the area in which she is in has a different dialect and she’s not extremely fluent (but can understand the gist of things if people slow down when they talk). When she first started school she kind of got shunned for “forcing people to talk in english” even though her grad school program was a science degree specifically geared to foriegn students and was supposed to be taught in english (though apparently most professors still taught in German if there wasn’t a native/fluent english speaking person in the class- and made a stink about “having to redo their lectures in English”). At first it was rough for her, but she made attempts to ask people to correct her on her german pronunciation etc. She also asked people what was more comfortable for them, and if they DID chose German she stated “I hope that you wont get offended if I ask sometimes for you to repeat it in English.” Now her and her new friends flow back and forth in English/German in the same conversation, because they now understand somethings are harder for her to grasp (jokes etc) and that they too want to brush up on their English more.
However, I do agree with Wendy, it would have been more well prepared of you to have learned more of the language (through your boyfriend or other resources – such as online translations, even if you taught yourself words by looking at a translation-dictionary!) prior to your move. Or to at least be able to say in their language “I’m sorry if I say something wrong in your language, I’m new to learning it.” As well as “I didn’t understand that, could you repeat it again and translate it for me in English so I can learn the phrase?” Something as simple as those two statements would take you a long way into learning more, and pleasing the locals because its shows that even if you do butcher the words horribly, that you are willing to work on it and try to fix how you say things.
As much as people in other countries may seem to speak English perfectly to YOU, many people are still self-concious about their language skills. Think of how self-concious you are when you try to speak this “obscure” language. Your BF’s friends are just as self-concious. You can set people at ease by making a genuine effort to speak their language. Often, they’ll then be more comfortable speaking English to you or at least translating portions of what they said that you couldn’t understand. You’ll end up having a crazy hybrid conversation, but you’ll be communicating and actually endearing yourself to your BF’s friends.
I agree with Wendy here. It is the LW’s responsibility to do the assimilating. I was in a situation like this years ago too. I lived with my European boyfriend at the time, in a house full of Spaniards and Italians. My Spanish was decent, but I still had a lot to learn. Eventually, my Spanish got remarkably better, and like the other comments said, it does become a crazy hybrid of languages. It was an incredibly fun experience, but I found myself feeling like the LW too sometimes in the very beginning. I think it’s important to recognize that feeling and use it to fuel your commitment to learning more about the language and the culture, and to NOT use it to blame anyone for feeling left out. That feeling of being ‘left out’ in a foreign country is universal, and it is the best way someone can learn the language. Because it really becomes a kind of a sink or swim situation. LW, you jumped into the pool, no one pushed you in, but you’re sinking! So, learn to swim quick! You can learn SO much, but you just have to realize that, at first, it’s going to be really hard, especially if you don’t know much about the language/country to begin with.
Also, like the other comments said, his friends are probably a little self-conscious about their English. They may speak it very, very well, but speaking it with a native-English speaker can be intimidating. That boyfriend I lived with and many of his friends were self-conscious about their English, even though they all spoke it very well. You moved to their country, you need to put forth more effort to get to know them, and make them feel comfortable talking to you in either language.
You may want to tell your boyfriend that you’re feeling discouraged with the language barrier, and how it is making you feel like an outsider, because he may have felt that way too while he was staying in the US and you can help each other through it, but by all means, don’t hold him responsible for it. When you start your language classes, ask him or even one of his friends to practice with you, don’t be afraid to ask them to define words, or explain customs you don’t understand (as much in their language as possible) and I’m sure they will all happily help you to learn more about their culture if you just put yourself out there. You really have a priceless opportunity on your hands! Don’t waste it feeling resentful.
I am bewildered by the fact that you think you can’t continue to learn his magnate once you return home because you say there are no classes in your city. If this isn’t one of the best uses of the internet, then I don’t know what is. Poor excuse from you!
I moved to Europe to be with my boyfriend and became fluent in his language through spending a year in full-time classes designed to get you ready to go to university in that country (Sweden). I have been there and done that and I think a lot of the advice given here is well off the mark.
Here is what I read in this letter:
– I am seeing a boyfriend who is not paying attention to the writer’s needs and a bunch of really selfish friends who are not reaching out. She is right, people under 30 who speak obscure European languages and are university-educated ALL speak good English — they have to as much of their course literature is in English. So why is the writer feeling so excluded? I don’t know if this is cultural (maybe a very macho, conservative culture?) or is specific to the individuals involved — or maybe there are maturity issues here, either from LW or from boyfriend and friends, or both.
– I am guessing the language is very obscure indeed. The columnist and everybody responding seems super eager to beat up this woman for not learning more of the language. I would like to know: how many of you are bilingual or have learned a language as an adult? Swedish is Germanic – the grammar is not the same as English, but it makes sense to an English speaker — easy compared to some. Even so, it was a heavy lift to learn it well enough to actually participate in a conversation that wasn’t on a toddler level. The LW could be trying to learn Estonian for all we know. And some people are better at learning a language than others.
– The columnist says that attempting to learn the language and use it will result in people being more open. Well, maybe, but for me it was a big deal the first time I completed a grocery store transaction in Swedish without the clerk interrupting me to practice their English. English-speaking accents are super obvious to people who speak “obscure European languages,” and if the LW is living somewhere that is not particularly cosmopolitan it’s even more obvious. Americans are pretty used to foreign accents — this is not remarkable here. That is not true some places.
Now, to the LW: make the most of your classes. Attempt to read the newspaper. Get books in the language (I did well with John Grisham novels) and read, once you get to that point. As for the boyfriend, there may be maturity issues there, cultural issues, or other things — I see some red flags. Keep an eye on those, see how it goes, and good luck.