Topic of the Day: Wedding Drama
This is the time of year that I would normally be writing columns and creating gift guides for Wedding Week here on DW. Well, I don’t feel like making it a big thing this year. —-Some of you are now popping open the champagne and screaming, “Hells yeah, bitches!” but, before you get too carried away, I’d like to dedicate this single post to all things wedding-related. Think of this as a condensed version of Wedding Week, where we can discuss wedding trauma and drama and joy and fun. (You can still pop the champagne though.)
Are you currently planning a wedding? Feel free to vent your stress here. Are you in a wedding coming up? Let’s hear about how the bridesmaid or mother-of-the-bride is driving you nuts. Invited to a wedding where you’re likely to run into an ex you don’t want to see? We’ll talk you through it. Still reeling over never receiving a thank you card for the $200 gift you gave your brother when he got married two years ago? Feel free to bitch. Still paying off the wedding you had back in 2012 for the marriage that ended last year? Oh, girl. Still angry about that wedding you went to where there weren’t enough chairs for the guests (oh, the shame!)? What about wedding gifts? What were the favorite ones you received or the best ones you gave? If you could do your wedding over, what would you change (maybe the groom…?) and what would you keep the same?
It’s Wedding Week Day on DW. Go!
(And if this post looks familiar to you [I’m looking at you, Kate, with your freakish memory about everything ever published on this site!], it’s because I posted the same one last year. I figure, every year brings new wedding drama, right? Plus, Jackson’s on spring break this week, so I’ve got my hands a little fuller than usual and I hope you’ll forgive a wee bit of cheating on my part, publishing the same post twice.)
My cousin on my mom’s side got married a couple years ago. On that side, we always invite the whole family. My mom is one of 5 kids, so we have four aunts/uncles plus their spouses plus their kids. My mom has 5 kids, plus our spouses (plus I guess our kids, although we don’t always invite cousin’s kids, depends on the couple). So my cousin I guess decided that that was too many people, and invited all his aunts and uncles except my mom! And my siblings and I were obviously excluded as well. She was so upset. What a place to draw the line. The least my cousin could have done was invited my mom and dad, and not my siblings and I. Still kind of rude, but we’re not close and I couldn’t care less about his wedding. But my mom has always sent gifts for birthdays and other special occasions, and then to be cut out of his wedding like that. She’s still not speaking to him or his wife. I mean, she doesn’t do silent treatment, she’s not a child. But if he says hello she’ll be polite and say hello back, and nothing else. No effort at conversation. And actively not sit near him at family events.
Other than that, I haven’t seen much wedding drama myself. We got some cards stolen at our wedding. 🙁 I blame my planner for that one, she should have locked them up.
The stealing cards/gifts at weddings is SO BAFFLING to me. And that it’s so common! That takes so brazen, totally uncaring people that theoretically care enough about you to be invited to and attend your wedding! Or perhaps caterers?
I’m hoping it was an employee at the venue. We had another family wedding where cards were stolen and they got it on camera. It was the gf of one of my cousins (brother to the cousin mentioned above). She took the cards into the bathroom, took them into a stall, and came out and threw the cards and envelopes in the trash while stuffing money into her purse. Unbelievable. And so stupid. My cousin dumped her after that. Neither of those cousins came to my wedding though, so there’s no connection there.
I always write out checks for weddings rather than giving cash, so I guess that’s a plus, that at least someone can’t steal it! What a horrible person to do something like that.
No one can steal your money, but the bride and groom don’t get it either. There are guests who we know would have given something, but we didn’t receive anything, and we can’t exactly ask. So we just let it go and ended up getting nothing from them. Hopefully they gave cheques so at least they didn’t lose the money. No way for us to know though. And it made thank-you cards awkward because we had no idea if some people had given gifts or not.
Ah, I always thought card stealing just happened to other people. This is seriously making me re-think my card plan, especially since the table was going to be at the part of my venue closest to the door and farthest from the people (essentially, at the entrance).
Good to know. People are so weird.
My friend’s dad actually put a lock on the card box AND hired a dude to stand by the box for her whole reception. Crazy, but I guess it worked?
We had a card box that had a slot in the top (along the edge) to put cards in, but could only be opened by sliding out the bottom piece. My grandfather made it, and when I told him the reasoning for the “no-hinge” top, he screwed the bottom shut! You could only open it with a cross-head screwdriver!
That’s where we had ours, Snoopy. Do not recommend. Our planner was supposed to always have herself or her assistant out there before the presents got locked up, but obviously they left then alone at some point. Because there were too many people who didn’t give gifts, who we knew would have. And one of those couples were close friends so we asked them. They confirmed that they’d given a card with cash. 🙁
I was a poor college kid and bought a wedding gift for a friend when I hardly had any money. No thank you card!
A couple years later I couldn’t make it to a wedding so I sent a slightly more expensive gift to another couple. No thank you card! Sure do hope they got it since it was mailed.
I have had 2 people already declare they are to be my MOH if I get married, and I have about 2 others who assume they’ll be mine. I’m being MOH in my 3rd wedding next year. I think I’ll elope or just no bridal party. I don’t get where people get off demanding these things.
Also – I’ve been to way too many weddings. I am missing 1 this year, otherwise I’ve been to 23 non family weddings. Lots of money shelled out over the years. Out of those – only 1 divorce!
I’m tired of spending money on celebrating other people. Seriously. I’m happy for them, but I’m about one more $350 silk charmeuse bridesmaid dress and international bachelorette party away from snapping. Most of my friends are fairly successful and while I’m stoked to celebrate the actual wedding why do there have to be a million pre wedding events (gifts and travel required!) too? Do people really need a formal engagement party, destination bachelorette trip, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, wedding after wedding brunch?
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Also, turns out my bf has been dreaming about his wedding forever so I’m shit out of luck with the whole “I don’t want a wedding, would be happy to elope” thing. Would be the most reluctant bride ever because I hate that I’d be putting people out. And no matter what (unless everyone you invite lives driving distance, has no kids/pets so needs no sitter, is explicitly told not to bring gifts, etc) it’s putting people out. Sure they’re happy to do it, but the amount of money I spend on weddings each year (for people legitimately so close to me that it would be a HUGE issue not to go) I could have paid off my credit card several times over.
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I think it would be neat to cut wedding registries and showers and do them for people just moving out of their place for the first time who actually NEED stuff (not my 30 something year old, 300k combined income friends).
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And also, please god no more speeches. They suck, MANY people have a fear of public speaking and are forced into it, no one really enjoys them.
OMG yes!! I’m a maid of honor this summer to my childhood best friend. I’m so happy for her that she’s finally getting married but when did international bachelorette parties become the standard? It just feels so over the top in addition to the two trips to NYC to look at dresses (where she lives) and all the other assorted costs. I thought you got a wedding weekend, I didn’t realize you got 4 destination weekends.
Also, I know this is standard bridesmaid complaint, but she’s such a micromanager and control freak. I have never known anyone to care so much about what shoes the bridesmaids will wear when she already chose a floor length $350 gown. Sigh. I get it, this is a big deal for her but I don’t get it and I just don’t care that much.
Omg literally going through the shoes thing now. I’m like “well no one will even be able to see them so maybe just let each of us wear a nude shoe of our choosing??”
When I was 15, I was supposed to have a quincenera (which is like a Mexican sweet 16 but way closer to a wedding in terms of cost and formality). My parents said I could have the quincenera or a car, and I chose the car. Because even at 15, I was effing practical.
$350 bridesmaid dress??? Jeez, my wedding dress and alterations cost less.
Thankfully no one I know has had an international bachelorette party, closest I know of was probably Puerto Rico (acquaintance). If I ended up in that situation, it’d be a no unless I already was planning to go there or separately wanted to go on that trip. But, I’ve never been a bridesmaid.
2 of my 3 bridesmaids were pushing hard for some sort of a destination bachelorette party (partially because we are already spread across Canada). I had to put my foot down pretty hard on that one.
I honestly think wedding things are getting so out of hand. Engagement party, bach party, shower etc.
My dad wants a pre-wedding night family meet up the night before for our two families (which totals 100 people) AND a post-wedding brunch the next day. I’m working on talking him out of one of those events. It’s just too much. It’s wedding- which is a big celebration, but does not requires days and days and multiple weekends of celebration.
I’m a bridesmaid for my best friend’s upcoming wedding. She and her fiance want to do a destination bachelor/bachelorette party to Vegas, but they’re leaving it open for whoever is able to go. And since they, along with most of the bridal party, are big hockey fans, the trip’s at least being coordinated with the playing schedule of the new expansion team, Vegas Golden Knights. So it’ll be something the whole party wants to do/see! She’s also letting us use Rent the Runway for our dresses because she doesn’t want us all to spend a lot on something we’ll never wear again.
And to be clear, I totally get that I can “just say no” and “gifts aren’t required” but you guys know that a lot of the time, that’s a shit storm. The thing isn’t that I’m so poor I can’t pay rent, it’s that I have to put off international trips I want to take, or buying the fancy kitchen shit I want for myself because I’m too busy buying it for other people. Pretty sure if I turn down a close friend’s wedding that take off to Thailand two months later I’d be seen as a huge asshole. But I’m 32 and when do I get to plan my time off and money for me?
I don’t know, I think I just play the asshole. I’m so happy to celebrate my friends and family within my means/sanity, but I’m not going to buy in to the wedding crazy.
International bachelor eternal parties???? Haven’t heard of that one. I did have a destination bachelorette, but a) it wasn’t my idea, b) we already had a tradition in our group of going on these wine tours at that time of year, and c) all the guys came too and we just did dinner and clubbing separately. Otherwise the wine tour part was the same as we always did. So I don’t feel bad about it, we would have done it anyway. 🙂
That sounds fun!
My bachelorette was a Maryland-style crabs place. It was local. We had lot of beer. It was exactly what I wanted. I did feel bad because one of my good friends is a strict vegetarian, but I talked with her ahead of time and the place had some veggie options (not great, but she didn’t go hungry).
We had a combined dinner and drinks at a casual pub because it really is getting too much. It was also pirate themed so i could wear an eye patch and cover up that I had conjunctivitis.
“I think it would be neat to cut wedding registries and showers and do them for people just moving out of their place for the first time who actually NEED stuff”
Ugh, smartest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m 100% with all of this.
Agreed, it would have been much more useful to have a shower for moving into our current place maybe 4 years before our wedding, or maybe the year before that when we moved cities. By the time the wedding came around, we had everything we needed and that seems to be the case with 9/10 weddings I attend.
It’s definitely a no-win situation for those of us who don’t want/need gifts, though. We just wanted people to come, if they could, and not get us anything. But several of my family members got upset that we didn’t have a registry because they didn’t know what to get us! So we did end up registering, but also spread the word that people could make a donation to the animal shelter where we got our cat instead of getting us gifts. The shelter ended up with several hundred dollars in donations, because our friends are awesome!
Vathena –
I think we’ll have to register for a few things regardless, even though we’re spreading the word that our wedding is a no-gift party. People still want to buy us something.
We’re just excited to get married!!!! And we have to have fun!!!!
Weddings are so weird.
I know! Even when you just want to throw a fun party to celebrate with your loved ones, other people still have all these expectations. I’m like, RELAX! Just come and have a good time! Or don’t, no hard feelings! Sheesh.
Yes to this. I’m also tired of spending money celebrating other people. Even when I’m not IN the wedding, most of my friends/family live in other states, and with few exceptions, I have to travel to attend. And it’s like, yeah, I’m extremely happy for everyone tying the knot, and I know I make a choice to go, but so many people have over-the-top celebrations that it reaches a point where enough is enough. Last summer I went to a beautiful wedding in Napa and there was an event every day for four days. I had a great time, but it was just too much. I was there for a total of 6 days (if you count my travel days), and only had one morning to do something in the area that wasn’t related to the wedding. The groom flew into the ceremony in a helicopter. Buses shuttled all the guests around to several different venues for the reception. The bride and groom both come from wealthy families, and they both have great jobs, and their registry was ridiculous.
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The Napa bride’s sister got married a couple months later, and it was like she was trying to out-do her sister. (But, I mean, how can you if your groom doesn’t fly himself into the wedding and land mere feet from the chapel?)
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I’m not poor by any means, but I can’t imagine spending as much money on a wedding as some people do. I’d rather use it for something else.
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I’m pretty far from marriage, but I’ve never wanted a big wedding. As it is, everyone in my life (family, and most friends) would have to travel, and that makes me feel weird. I also hate any event where my parents are forced to be on good behavior with one another. So, it’s hard for me to understand the people who go all-out. I wouldn’t register. I truly don’t feel like I need anything, and what I want I can buy myself. I’d elope. Or go to the courthouse. (I’d still wear the dress, though. :-P)
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I think one of my closest friends is going to be engaged by the end of the year (was surprised it didn’t happen over the holidays), and I’m already dreading that event a bit. She’s going to be a crazy bride. She’s dreamed of a big wedding since we were kids, loves attention, and she’s an only child to wealthy parents.
It’s absurd to expect people to use vacation time for your wedding. I have no issue giving up a night but anything more is too much. Not to mention hotel requirements! My friend got married at a fancy place which required a hotel stay (and of course there was nowhere else nearby), it was over $300 a night AND you couldn’t stay one night it had to be two. I could never ask that of my guests. Six days and the accompanying demand that you celebrate the couple the whole time, ugh.
Oh man, this is feelin’ relevant AF today…
So I’ve been thinking about writing about this in the forums for a while, but I keep chickening out. I’m hoping you folks can help with this. I work in a fairly large office for a large corporation, and I’ve been here for about 7 years, in my position for 3-ish. I’ve also been in a relationship for 5-ish years. My team, for the most part, is great– we’re a good group of people and we all get along. In the past year and a half, three people from my team have gotten engaged and/or married, and we’ve all celebrated with one another. I’m always genuinely happy for these people and even attended the wedding of my closest friend on my team with my boyfriend– it was dope.
The problem is, whenever someone else gets engaged, there’s always a super shitty comment from one of my male coworkers directed at me (one of whom is my boss, whom I generally have a good relationship with). Shitty as in “wow, Mr. The_Optimist is just gonna keep disappointing you, huh?” or “oh yeah, you’re gonna die alone, I’ve lost so many bets thanks to you.” That last one was one I’d heard last week, totally randomly. Mind you, I’m not going around whining that we’re not engaged– it’s something we’ve discussed privately (because, uh, it’s private) and are certainly moving towards, but not something I feel I need to share with coworkers unless we’re super close. I’m not itching to get engaged, and I’m pumped when other people tie the knot, but CHRIST, it seems like comments like the ones I’ve mentioned are designed to make me feel shitty. If it matters, I’m a woman of color who works in an overwhelmingly white industry, and none of the other women in my group have dealt with these comments (and all of these awesome women are also disgusted and have reprimanded these men in the past, to no avail).
This has come to a head recently because a colleague in another department, whom I’m not close with but is close with my boss, just got engaged this weekend. This colleague has made REPEATED comments about how I’m not engaged. Last year, when my bf and I were on vacation in another country, this colleague even sent me a Facebook message along the lines of “congrats on your impending engagement hahaha.” Annoying, and my bf was annoyed because he didn’t understand why a person he didn’t know, and a person *I* barely interact with, was messaging me such crap while we were on vacation. A coworker I’m close with told me he bragged to her about sending that message and she yelled at him. I thought that would put a stop to things, but he’s kept it up almost weekly, asking where my ring was and joking that his friends who were about to propose “better not punk out and pull a Mr. the_optimist.” I’ve tried to laugh these comments off, I’ve looked him and my boss in the eye and told them with a straight face that those comments are shitty and uncalled for, OTHER women have told them to stop, and nothing’s worked. These people are not the only ones making these comments (but again it IS always white, male bros making them), but they’re the ones with the shittiest comments.
So, I congratulated this colleague with a smile and walked away, and now I’m hearing “joke-y” comments about how bitter I must be. It’s enough, guys. I’m not generally a sensitive person and can laugh quite a bit off, but it. is. enough.
At the moment, I’m personally dealing with some not-great familial circumstances with a sibling who is mentally ill. My mom is not in a great place mentally either, and I’m trying very hard to separate myself from those circumstances as best I can, and to keep my personal life out of my work life. I also have a cold so I’m just really cranky right now and don’t have the mental energy to laugh off another crack at my relationship status. Also, it pisses me off that I work fucking hard as hell– harder than a lot of people here– I don’t bring my personal shit to work, and yet it seems no matter what, certain dude-bros just want to try to make me feel small. And maybe they don’t even realize they’re doing it. I worry about lashing out, or about escalating this matter, because I know our HR dept is useless and I’ll just be seen as “emotional.” I’m embarrassed to even say that as a feminist who is proud as HELL to be a feminist, but I need this job right now and worry about jeopardizing it. I know that fucking sucks guys. I hate even typing those words. Corporate ‘Murica guys. It’s a helluva place.
And, yes, I’ve been furiously looking for other jobs– I’ve been on fifteen interviews since November. Woo-hoo! 🙁 Just ranting I guess, and also hoping some of you smarties could bestow some wisdom on this cranky not-so-optimistic-optimist for how to deal.
I would raise this to management, via email (in writing!), and tell them though you understand that the many comments you have received regarding your relationship may be meant as lighthearted, you have made it clear many tmes they are unwelcome and you are beinging to feel disrespected and harrassed (be prepared to provide examples). It is unprofessional, and you’d appreciate their support taking team members aside to correct them in the future. If management does nothing about it, I’d raise it to HR, showing them the email. And I’m sure if you did that you’d be “hysterical” and “not able to take a joke” but fuck all of them. Next it will be harassing women to wen they are getting pregnant (not realizing that some people may be struggling with infertility). I’m pissed for you that this keeps happening and it IS important enough to raise this up the chain. Don’t let the desire to “get along” keep you from checking these assholes.
And also – I’m glad you’re job searching! I get that going to HR feels nuclear so I’d also consider saying the exact word “retaliation”, as in you are coming to them with this issue but are afraid of “retaliation.” It’s an HR buzzword that should trigger the “take this seriously” in them. But I get dysfunction workplaces and HR and hope you find a better place (and are candid in your exit interview!)
Thanks 🙂 . Totally agree with everything you’re saying (including the harassing when getting pregnant, so I hope to God I’m not here when/if that happens for me), I just really need to woman up and do it already. I already probably have pretty solid documentation but I’ll continue to keep records. Really appreciate the advice, kmtthat!
I 100% agree with Kmen. This is harassing behavior. (Is Kate here? She always has good scripts for things like this!) You have his message that he sent you, and you have backing/witnesses in other members of your team. This is harassment and it’s creating a hostile work environment. No one should be able to badger you about your personal life at work. I know you feel like your HR is useless, but it just seems like you should be able to keep it professional and have a short conversation about it. Document everything and schedule a meeting with them. I hope that guy gets what is coming to him, that is SO inappropriate!
Man, that SUCKS! I haven’t had nearly that big of a problem, but when I got engaged, one of my colleagues that works on the west coast called and said “I heard you got engaged! I hope you know that you could have said no.”
It wasn’t just that time either – every time she spoke to me, she would say “you don’t HAVE to get married, you know.”
What??
She hadn’t even met my fiance, so it was really coming from nowhere. Actually, now that I think about it, she probably was projecting her feelings of her own failed marriage….maybe.
I agree with the going to Management thing. That is a good idea. If you want to confront directly, I have found that asking a jerk, “What’s your goal with that comment?” Not in a bad way just ask it and sit there for an answer as long as it takes. Either the person will say, “This is our thing !!! or will dig deeper. You can then follow up by saying “your focus on this has gotten weird and I don’t know what your endgame is.” or “People are starting to say that your fixation on me has gotten sad and I am worried about you.” Those kind of comments eat into a man’s brain. Just mean girl him.
Have you tried responding to those comments with a straight “what a strange thing to say, why would you say that?” or something along those lines? This sucks, and i’m sorry you have to deal with such a jerk :-/
That is horrendous. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that ridiculous behavior. I don’t have better ideas than what you’re already getting on how to deal with it, but it shouldn’t be something that you have to put up with. Personally, I like the suggestions of how to shut it down in the moment, hopefully it would be an effective deterrent to figure comments.
If you don’t want to go to management, make them explain the joke.
For example:
“better not punk out and pull a Mr. the_optimist.””
“I don’t understand, what did he pull?”
“You know, you didn’t get engaged when you went on vacation?”
“What does a vacation have to do with getting engaged?”
“A lot of people get engaged on vacations.”
“I don’t understand, what does what other people do have to do with me?”
etc. Socrates the shit out of them.
Make sure to look extremely confused while you ask too.
Wow, I can’t believe someone would be so nasty! Please go to HR about this.
If that really isn’t an option, you should contact a lawyer. This is beyond inappropriate.
The Australian method would be to wait for the next comment and say ‘oh just fuck off.’ I don’t know if it’s acceptable in America but it’s highly effective.
The Australian method is my new favorite method.
Really wish you were all my coworkers! You’re all awesome, as are these suggestions. Thank you, and thanks for listening 🙂
You should start asking if they are separated yet. “So, divorced yet? I’ve lost so many bets because of you!” “You still with that wife? Still both faithful as far as you know? Man, so unamerican.”
No wedding drama right now, thank goodness. 3 weddings this year with all very lovely friends that I’m thrilled to be celebrating!
Last year was drama-filled, though. My aunt (who was the single most pain in the ass during my own wedding planning) made a huge stink about me and my sister not going to her kid’s wedding. They picked a really inconvenient time for anyone who didn’t live nearby or have family nearby (think weekend before a weekday holiday that is generally spent with family, and it would mean 2 cross-country round-trips within a week for me to make it work), so I politely sent my regrets and a gift. My sister made the mistake of sending a gift and a note that she wouldn’t be able to make it too early and we never heard the end of it. She also guilted my grandpa, who was too unwell to attend my wedding the year before, into going. I’m almost more pissed about that part – he’s not getting any healthier, don’t risk his health! /rant
I’m a little salty because my mom’s upcoming wedding is being held on literally one of the the ONLY weeks of the year I need to be working. This is a standing work event that happens every year, and she’s well aware. It will be a small wedding at her home (in a different state), and I won’t be at the rehearsal dinner/barbecue and will have to drive super late or super early just to make the wedding—and her response is, “Oh, I thought that work thing was a different weekend. That’s too bad.” Makes me feel like she doesn’t care overmuch if I’m there or not.
The weddings I have been in have been great, no drama etc, I have great friends that were easy going brides. The only bitch I have is about a former “close friend.”
About two weeks ago I got an email invitation to a bridal shower for “Sally”. No last name on the invite. I couldn’t think of a single friend with that name that was engaged, let along getting married. So I texted the host and apologized for being in the dark but asked her who the shower was for? She replied back with “Sally Jones.” Well shit, I didn’t even know Sally was engaged. So I inquired further, apparently she’s been engaged for about a month. Getting married very quickly. Didnt’ announce the engagement on facebook, didn’t call, didn’t text – but had time to make sure I was on the list to bring her a present.
I guess that just really irritates me. I don’t need a special phone call or announcement, but that she couldn’t be bothered to let me know she was engaged but made sure I was on the list of people to invite to the shower just seems rude. So I didn’t go to the shower. I have a good excuse because my dad is still in the hospital. But even if he hadn’t been, I don’t think I would have gone. She and I used to be very close and as soon as she started dating this guy, it’s like I didn’t exist anymore. So I’m not spending my hard earned money on her.
Otherwise, one of my college BFFs got married a few weeks ago when my dad was first hospitalized and I missed it so another friend facetimed it for me and she was just so beautiful and so happy and I wish I’d been there.
On a happier note, is anyone else a crybaby at weddings? I wasn’t when I was younger, but maybe the last year or two? Watch out for the waterworks! Maybe it’s because I more fully appreciate now just how hard it is to find someone who you want to spend the rest of your freakin’ life with (and who wants to spend the rest of their freakin’ life with you!), but I think I could watch two strangers get married and still cry.
I do that now. Only at close friends weddings. It was especially bad the time I was a bridesmaid AND I was asked to read the whole “love is patient, love is kind, blah blah” and I was on the last sentence and I about lost it because she looked so damn happy. I had to pause and compose myself to finish it.
I almost always cry at weddings, especially when it’s the wedding of someone I have a long history with. When the walk down the aisle begins, I can’t help but reflect on my memories with the person/people getting married – late nights, long talks, middle school, college graduation, ill-advised hairstyles, breakups, and being there for so much of each other’s lives. It gets me every time!
Yep!
I have cried at a wedding of two strangers.
Thank goodness I’m not planning a wedding, in a wedding, or going to a wedding this year. Whew. And seriously, a wedding is one day, not a four day weekend of expensive events, international parties and multiple gift grabs.
My DH is worried one of his nieces will get engaged soon. Her parents went thru a nasty divorce years ago and her Grandparents seemed to be able to focus on nothing else emotionally for several years, much to the detriment of their relationships with their other adult children and other grandchildren. My DH fears a repeat when a wedding occurs. Sigh.
Here’s a peeve of mine that I’ve experienced in recent years. People that elope and THEN have a wedding months or so later, for whatever reason. What is even the point? So you can have a party? So that you can get all of the gifts and have the fancy dinner and dancing?
I get really bitter about those things. I have to go to the wedding and bring a gift and sit through a fake ceremony because you couldn’t wait and still wanted to dress up?
We’re actually sort of doing this. We’re holding a private day ceremony/brunch with immediate family and then a party that night at our condo to celebrate with friends. A couple of weeks later, we’re having a party in my hometown to celebrate with extended family.
However, we’re not asking for, or expecting gifts. People don’t have to dress up. And people don’t have to really travel. Those that I’ve talked to want to celebrate with us, and so we’re doing a low key, affordable affair. It’s either that or nothing, and I’ve found that people want to do something with us to celebrate the day.
This makes sense to me, as it’s basically all together and just the type of wedding you two want. I think I see more people who elope then years later are like “but I wanted a princess party after all” who end up doing a huge wedding/vow renewal and expect people to be as excited as it it was a real wedding/willing to throw down cash on it. I side eye those really hard as it’s like look, you had your wedding. I’m not buying you gifts and flying to Cabo. Relax.
Oh, I didn’t mean to include things like that – In these cases (3 of them!) people have gone to the courthouse to get married alone (1 couple got married because the other wanted to get on her insurance, another got married because they lived together and they thought they would be judged by a new employer if they weren’t married, etc.) and then months later, had the whole shebang. Showers, bachelorette/bachelor parties, ceremony, vows, “I now pronounce…”, toasts, dinner, dancing, etc.etc. It was JUST like what an actual wedding would be, but we all knew that they had been actually married for 8 months!
I hear you on that va-in-y. My cousin just got married at a courthouse two weeks ago and we’re all flying for her “wedding celebration in a couple of months.
I’m not really sure why she had to get married beforehand.
Eh, I don’t see the big deal on going to the courthouse beforehand. My parents did that, though they kept the courthouse thing a secret for like 20+ years. And they had not one but two wedding receptions (basically one for family and one for friends, different locations).
On the flip side of that, we got legally married the day of our wedding but literally didn’t have any sort of paperwork requirement on that day (didn’t sign anything, didn’t send something ourselves, etc.). He didn’t even need to be there when I picked up our marriage license. I joke with my husband that I could have married him without him knowing if we had a sketchy officiant.
Like, a full-on wedding complete with ceremony and fancy reception? I could see myself doing something like this, but keeping the “reception” to a small and fairly casual get-together with family and close friends only. I wouldn’t have a ceremony or a fancy reception.
I’ve been to a few weddings like this. In two cases, they’d already gotten married so their partner could be stationed with them during overseas service – Army and State Dept. In those cases, everyone knew they were already married when the “wedding”/celebration took place. The other one I think was just for insurance, and they tried to keep it a secret that they’d already gotten married.
I mean, I don’t see the difference between going to the courthouse, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they said vows, just that they filled out the marriage license, and then having a party later and having a party/wedding and then going to the courthouse so that you can file the license. What’s the difference? Time? Eh, so what.
My cousin and her now husband said their vows. They posted on social media about it being official and she had a bouquet and everything. She’s doing another ceremony and full on wedding in a couple of months.
Well, when you fill out the license, you’re not actually getting legally married, just saying that you intend to get married. Right? Like, with the license, you’re legally engaged but not legally married. As far as I know, at least in my state, you have to have a marriage license before you can have a legal ceremony to get married. So we got our license, then a month or so later we had our ceremony, and our officiant signed off on everything and sent it off to the courthouse for our marriage certificate. It’s like getting your fishing license doesn’t mean you’ve already caught a fish.
The final legal part is declaring yourself husband and wife in front of a official licensed by the state. It has exactly the same affect as signing an affidavit and getting it notarized. The ceremony and vows are cultural. And I think there’s a difference in asserting that you’re husband and wife in front of the state and doing so in front of your loved ones and/or religious body. So *shrug*.
Sometimes you don’t even need the declaration legally, like happened to me. Plus in some states you don’t even need to have an officiant (you can do a self-uniting marriage in Pennsylvania). Sure, maybe don’t make a big deal out of going to the courthouse if you’re going to have a cultural ceremony with a party later, but I’m with you meadowphoenix.
A co-worker of mine had a family wedding a couple of weeks back. His side of the family expected it to be a circus given the uh, shall we say less than genteel behavior of his soon to be SIL. To add context, his side was concerned with the number of comments from her side about getting so drunk that the hotel would get involved.
So I found a create your own bingo app and my coworkers and I created a list of possible “oh no” moments so that he and his side could be entertained by the nonsense. No one won, but they did get to place markers on “vomiting”, “drunken MOH speech”, “Ambulance” and “hotel calls security”.
Two of my brothers are getting married this year. One planned and one unexpected. The summer wedding (planned) is going to be very nice, fairly chill. We just had a crafting saturday with some people to do the invitations and some of the decorations. I think her sisters are throwing her a shower back in North Dakota for locals only.. and then we tried to do a bachelorette party but every single weekend between now and then just wouldnt work. Plus a sister is international.
Anyway, so now we’re going to have a fun day just the four of us (me, two sisters, bride..all in the wedding) two days before the wedding. will be intimate and nice 🙂
Second brother is getting married (VERY YOUNG) in between his graduation ceremonies. So like.. no cake. nothing. just ceremony. then his next graduation. then they are driving out west to live. kinda crazy, but whatever. Sent them a bunch of kitchen stuff cause they’ll be just starting off (which i’m happy to do since its more like for moving into their first place then for a wedding)
My best friend of 15 years was married two years ago – last wedding I was in and/or at. It was fantastic, she’s such a control freak she planned everything, so as the MOH my job was easy peasy. I also only spent at total of about $200 on her wedding, that includes dress, shoes, present..
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My brother on the other hand is in a good friend of his wedding this summer. They’ve been friends since elementary school, are now in their late 20s and wait on tables (so money isn’t exactly flowing in). Anyway, my brother has spent over $1500 on the wedding and it’s still a month away. A bachelor party cruise, renting a house for a week up to the wedding, and everyone is deciding to pay for groom’s cruise and not have the bride/groom put any money into the house. $1500 for my brother is like $5,000. When I found out how much money he has spent – I almost choked on my drink. He isn’t even really close with this friend. They hang out – but are not nearly as close as some of his other friends. It blows my mind that people are okay with accepting all of this. Even if paying for my cruise was offered to me for my wedding (since it was the groom’s idea) I would have to turn it down.
“Still reeling over never receiving a thank you card …” I sent somebody a gift from their registry last summer and never got a thank you card. I sort of wondered if people just don’t send cards in the mail anymore? Oh well.
Did they send their wedding invitation to you in some way in which they could also have sent a thank-you? 😉
I actually wasn’t invited to the wedding (didn’t expect to be, we’re friends but not THAT close) so I just said hey, send me the link to your registry! I’d love to send you a gift!
(Ps I’m not actually “reeling” lol I just wondered if the culture/etiquette around thank you cards has changed over the years… then again I love sending/giving cards! )
No, the etiquette definitely hasn’t changed, people are just getting worse.
Even if you don’t send a card, you still have to say thank you. That hasn’t changed. If you pick up the phone and call someone to thank them then you don’t need to send a card. Or if you thank them in person at the time that you receive the gift.
http://emilypost.com/advice/thank-you-notes-to-send-or-not-to-send/
She’s still saying for weddings and showers you should send a card even if you thanked them in person. The etiquette is still the same even if people are letting things slide.
I do send cards for any kind of event that had a written invitation. But do people really think you’re rude if you don’t, if you thanked them in person? With the caveat that you opened it before the thank you so you knew what it was, and thanked them one-on-one and not as part of a general thanks to everyone who’s there. Unlikely to happen at a wedding unless it’s very small, but at a shower if the mom-to-be pulled me aside and said “thank you so much for that xyz, I really love it”, then I wouldn’t care if I got a card or not. A personal thank-you like that is equivalent to a card, to me.
Yeah, some people would, definitely.
I never got a thank you card for the over-the-top, four-days-of-events Napa wedding I referenced above. I spent a lot of money to be there, and it honestly did feel a little bit insulting that my gift went completely unacknowledged.
I sent thank you cards to everyone who attended (regardless of gift) and everyone who sent a gift. And I’m pretty sure I got a thank you card from every wedding I’ve attended, though I can’t remember specifically…