DW Community Catch-up Thread
- This topic has 11,758 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Also, yes to jimmyjam’s point that TT could very well be dating other women. And having sex with them, too. It would partly explain why he wouldn’t jump your bones the second he saw you and instead waited hours and even put on Sherlock before trying to bone you. (That’s the correct timeline, right?). definitely a red flag if a guy’s watching a whole fucking episode of any TV show without trying to bone the woman he hasn’t seen in a few weeks.
It’s just this latest date where they’ve been watching TV, though, right? I remember the other weekends as very exciting and fun-filled, but maybe that’s me.
Ver, I agree with Wendy that you shouldn’t have to ask for sex and/or initiate in such an obvious way. If the chemistry is there, you just jump each other in the beginning stages, usually:).
From the whole description – not just the erectile dysfunction, that could be many things – I do agree something doesn’t seem completely right. I think it’s mostly the fact that he does act and/or reassure you when you ask him things, but doesn’t seem to be initiating many things on his own. Like: more visits, initiating a conversation about exclusivity or dating, sex, etc. Like he’s enthusiastic…but not THAT enthusiastic.
And you know, that’s perfectly fine, and maybe he’s just on a slower track than you. However, when YOU *are* very enthusiastic, that, combined with your desire to be in a relationship, can lead to a power imbalance. Doesn’t have to mean he treats you badly – just that you feel vulnerable and/or overdemanding (‘at his mercy’ so to speak) when you’re with him. And you don’t want to go there – trust me:) – just for your own sanity. So if you know that is your weak spot, then maybe back off a little?
I hope you’re feeling better, emotionally. What you described about your mother seems incredibly tough. You have a lot on your plate. I hope you have some good friends you can cry to and be unreasonable with. And yeah, maybe not ideal that you did it with him, instead, but I think if he really likes you he’s not going to run. Wishing you all the best Ver. *hugs*
“Definitely a red flag if a guy’s watching a whole fucking episode of any TV show without trying to bone the woman he hasn’t seen in a few weeks.”
Too long for a mug…maybe a mouse mat? 🙂
Amen.
Thanks Wendy and Regina for chiming in. You do have the timeline correct. And yes, it seems the excitement has worn off a bit. Every other weekend we were pretty quick to hop in bed – that’s not to say he isn’t affectionate when he first sees me – just that this time, and a little the time before, I felt like I initiated more and the times before he was all over me.
It could be for a ton of reasons. None of them feel great. I sorta feel like I’m losing my shit right now with all that’s going on in my life and I’m sabotaging myself. I mean, I probably did something really stupid last night but I texted him and told him that he’d handled everything beautifully and I so appreciated him being willing to listen, but that I’d understand if I was too crazy for him to want to see me again. That that’s not what I want and I’d be sad if he made that decision, but I’d understand. He wrote back that he really wasn’t sure how to respond and that he hoped I sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.
Was that a really fucking stupid thing to do? Maybe. But I wanted him to know it’s okay if he was on the fence and that I understand. Right now the way things are progressing doesn’t make me feel great. I’ve felt on edge really badly the last few days and had therapy this morning and I’m just working on loving myself and dealing with my mom and relationship issues. And if he wants to reach out I’m here, and if he doesn’t – maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
I appreciate you all and the kind words. I’m just not in a good place right now. I hope to be soon.
Regardless of whether or not you should have sent that text, his response is not one that I would consider a good sign. If he was worth all of this effort, he should have said, “you are not crazy. I really want to see where this goes.” He didn’t. Your next move should be to move the fuck on. You need to get in control and not let a guy be so wishy washy! This has nothing to do with who you are. This has to do with this just not being a good match. If you wait on him to make the decision, he has all the power. Don’t YOU want to have the power in what happens with your life??
I thought he did reach out Monday night and you felt fine?
To me, that text comes off… Manipulative. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but it puts it all on him and you’re asking him either to reassure you that everything is great, or really hurt you by ending things. That’s not fair. What if he didn’t want to do either? What if he wanted a little time to think? I think that’s the message he was sending you with “I don’t know what to say.” You were trying to force his hand but he didn’t let you. Again, I don’t think that was a fair thing to do to him right then.
Like I said, it was really fucking stupid. You don’t have to tell me that again (and please don’t because I feel bad enough already). I know it was. But obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly when I did it.
But yeah, to Lianne’s point, you didn’t get the positive response. You have him option A and option B .Option C is YOU move on.
I’m going to agree with Lianne… If he was really into you he could have at least said something reassuring rather just “I don’t know how to respond.”
Probably time to MOA from this dude, not just cuz of this but based on multiple things. I said before that he sounds like a nice dude, and I’m sure he is, but after looking at the big picture it seems like he’s not wanting the same thing as you.
I don’t think what you did was necessarily *stupid*, but honestly, don’t say stuff you don’t mean.
I think that part of what is happening with you is that you are continuing the cycle of bad behaviors that you’ve learned from your mother. My mom is very passive aggressive, and eventually I had to realize that I had adopted some of her behaviors which negatively affected my relationships.
The text message you sent, while I’m sure you didn’t intend for it to be that way, was passive aggressive. You basically said- I totally understand if you want to dump me because I’m crazy. The reason why he said he didn’t know how to respond is because there are only two acceptable responses to a statement like that
A) To placate you and make you feel better about an overreaction on your part, forcing him to apologize to/comfort you. Or-
B) To take it as a passive hint that you don’t want to date him anymore, and the onus is now on him to end the relationship.Both of those put all the effort on him to facilitate the action of the relationship. I think it might time to go on a serious dating hiatus and really start leaning into therapy and analyzing your own behaviors.
Hang in there, Ver. In the past, before I met Drew, I found that whenever I was in a bad head space, dating was really the worst thing for me. It made me question every move I made, and I found myself measuring my self worth by a guy’s opinion of me and his response to me. It wasn’t until I took a little break from dating and decided to focus on getting my head together and making emotional space for a healthy relationship that the right person found me. Maybe this isn’t the right time for you to be trying to date. You are, understandably, feeling vulnerable. And while vulnerability has its place in a relationship, it’s not always the best point from which to move forward confidently.
Reading your comments and Lianne’s thoughts it really comes across as you feeling like you have to get the power to make decisions in your relationships from the other person. If you are unhappy with where things are take back that control and decide to end things. I hope your therapist can help you navigate all of this. But, from the outside it doesn’t necessarily seem like something that can be dealt with while dating…Good luck and I hope you are in a better place soon.
