DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Ale I had a thought this morning while I was getting ready. (Yes I think of internet strangers and how to send them positive vibes while doing my hair) I know you need distractions right now, so maybe now would be a great time to get your L1 training certificate? I think I remember you mentioning you wanted to do that? I know crossfit helps keep me distracted from a lot of things on my mind so what better time to get your L1? Either way, I’m rooting for you!
@veritek33 thank you. Knowing that just made me smile in a day that has been shitty since the start, and that is a good idea. I was actually thinking of taking classes to become a personal trainer. I also want to learn how to do nails and in my country there’s a career that lasts a year and it’s just about nails. That has always been a dream of mine.
Also, question. How friendly are you with your exes? Since my ex and I decided to be civil because we work in the same building, but not friends. But yesterday I was having lunch and he saw me and came to have lunch with me. Sat with me, gave a kiss, offered me his food and everything. I was like WTF. Then, I was at the gym and he showed up. I was almost certain that he would change gyms. Then today he texted me to see if he could still use my Amazon account. I explained to him that he should create one himself and he told me that he was too dumb and didn’t know how it works and whatever. I told him that one thing is to be civil and another to act like nothing happened. That he hurt me and I can’t act like friends the next day. He said sorry and that he wouldn’t do that anymore. But then I saw him at work and he came to say hi and said that he still wanted me to come to his graduation. I declined.
I don’t know how “friendly” should I let him be. I’ve seen couples that break up and then become best friends. I know it’s possible but I don’t know if it’s possible in this scenario. Obviously time will tell. But I don’t know. I’m not friends with exes, only one of my exes is my friend but that happened like 12 years ago.Ooooo, Ale, I would nip this right in the bud. I get that working together makes no-contact really tricky, but do not let him do this. He doesn’t get to dump you and then have you as a lunch buddy and a spotter at the gym and someone to do favors for him. No. Fucking. Way. You are not friends.
What I would do is explain to him that, since you’re no longer in a relationship, you need time and space to move on. Let him know you will not be communicating any more than as necessary as colleagues. Cut him off from text, email, social media, etc. Any contact should not exceed a “hi” in the hallway at work and enough civility to not make things awkward or unprofessional. I can see this guy being like “oh, we’re bff’s!” and then the next day showing off some new chick. Protect yourself so you can heal.
Because, what HE’s getting out of this is a nice happy feeling that he’s not the bad guy. You’re friends! He’s nice! Don’t let him do that at the expense of your healing.
I’m not friends with anyone I dated serious/long-term. I suppose I’ve only had two boyfriends that I would consider both serious and long-term, but they both cheated on me. So, just, no.
I dated my first serious boyfriend throughout my early/mid 20s, and when we broke up thought I literally could not exist without him. I wanted and tried to be friends immediately — tbh, I thought I could win him back that way and was super pathetic — and ultimately caused myself far more pain. I finally cut ties for good, it took of time to heal, and once I did, holy crap was I embarrassed by how badly I’d wanted him to stay a part of my life! It took awhile for me to put into perspective just how terribly he treated me the last year of our relationship, and I can never see myself wanting to be friends again.
The last guy I dated seriously was a couple years ago, and I actually would’ve wanted to stay on friendly terms (eventually) if things had ended without lies and betrayal. All I feel when I think of him is sad, even years later, so that’s obviously not a friendship waiting to happen.
I don’t think friends-friends works for most people, at least not with the people you’ve dated seriously. The pattern I’ve seen most often is that once you take the time to get over someone, the desire to be friends goes, too.
If I were you, I wouldn’t even worry about whether or not you guys can be friends right now. I’d frankly find his behavior obnoxious — like, how dare he break up with you and then act like nothing happened!? (Kisses at lunch… huh???) I’d go as no-contact as possible for at least a few months before even thinking about being friends with him.
Exactly what Kate said. You need time. It’s ok to set up boundaries. Also, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t piped in yet, but I am sorry. Do what you need to do to be ok again.
I agree as well. Please make sure you protect yourself and limit any verbal and physical contact to strictly professional. He is acting like nothing happened and trying to keep the fun easy parts of your relationship intact. Maybe even make the move and go to another gym when it is possible. Kudos for telling him to get his own damn Amazon account and declining the graduation ceremony invite. Avoid him at lunch or find a new lunch spot for the next while.
Nip it now while you can so you can avoid the spiral of post breakup bad habits.
@Ale that’s not cool of him. He needs to give you space. I’m friends with one of my exes, but that only came after a long period of no contact and stopping using each other as FWB. We still aren’t friends on social media but we occasionally get lunch and catch up with each other. That’s 2 years out from the break up though.
I think you should definitely pursue the personal training! If I were in better shape and had more time I’d love to get my L1, but i’m thinking that’s a few more years down the road.
@Copa – It was a nice date but I’m on the fence. He invited me over for homemade pizza and drinks. It was nice and I do enjoy his company and conversation. I’m not sure how attracted to him I am or if I’m just self sabotaging. I might go out a few more times to see if my feelings change, I’m just sort of blah about it all right now. I finally got my dad healthy and out of the hospital and now I’m focusing on me again and it just makes me anxious.
He is a huge major asshole for letting you take him on that trip. You could have used the airfare credits, probably cancelled all or most of the hotel reservations, etc etc etc and gone on your own trip with friends. I think it’s pretty unforgivable to let an S/O go through with that, knowing you’re going to break up. He’s not your buddy.
@veritek33 – That sounds like a fun date! A few more dates couldn’t hurt, but for me, the attraction is either there early on, or it isn’t.
