DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I do maintain boundaries – I guess I mean if it is fair to put a strike by their name for attempting to push the issue, or is it “only natural” for them to try?
If they ask you to come up, and don’t pressure you for more than what you are willing to do than I’d let it go. But if anything feels like a red flag to you, you don’t need to justify that to them or anyone else. If they pressure you, fuck em. There’s nothing natural about being a d bag. Or, I guess there is, but you don’t have to go for that. A nice guy isn’t going to push you into anything you don’t want or try to talk you into it, even. And if anyone even implies that your flirting or behavior led them on…fuck them.
I think the way to stop repeating a pattern is to recognize it is a pattern, figure it out, work through it maybe in therapy, and uncover constructive ways to figure out what you really need and find it. Unless you do the work to figure out why you keep gravitating to the same kind of relationship or man, it keeps happening. If you figure out what’s behind it and address it and work on it, you are going to stop attracting and or seeking out those dudes. It really does work that way.
I mean, at the simplest level, look at what all these guys are playing back to her: that she doesn’t deserve physical love. Has to work hard to try and get it, but ultimately can’t. Now, why might that be? What’s going on in her psyche or whatever? Because the guys are just showing her what she actually thinks about herself. Get to the bottom of it and see that she is in fact deserving of healthy, adult, multifaceted love, and these types of guys will no longer be part of her experience.
Hmm. Food for thought, for sure @Kate. Probably worth wondering I’m projecting at the moment then ?
@Anonymousse, they don’t insist at all, but I’m just surprised that even the very reserved / deep thinker guy is asking me to share a hotel room after a kiss on a first date. Maybe I’m too judgey about them simply being opportunistic, but it does make me wonder why they think I’d be down for that.
Is it possible that when looking for guys that share the same values regarding sex, she keeps finding people with physical intimacy issues? I mean I can easily see myself thinking “oh this is great, he’s waiting on the physical intimacy to make sure we have a solid emotional connection” and not connecting it until months later that there’s an underlying issue.
I guess for me the concerning part LadyE is that it sounds like he’s convinced you that you guys need to show restraint and wait, when that’s the opposite of what you expressed before the date. I think it would be different if you said that he opened up to you about some issues and said he is not comfortable kissing unless you are exclusive, but you like him and are respecting that choice with a reasonable endpoint in mind for exclusivity (say like two weeks or something). Although I do wonder about other forms of physical intimacy. What about just regular kissing on the lips or cheek?
I don’t think this would be a huge deal if it was just this guy, but to Kate’s point this seems to be a pattern.
I have a pattern of hooking up with guys because I don’t find them threatening. Which obviously, I don’t want to hook up with threatening men. But I feel like “non threatening” should be a given versus a selling point. I’m definitely more aware of it now and have gotten out of my comfort zone some (like my FWB is tall and previously the thought of dating a tall man gave me lots of anxiety).
Keep us posted on Lion Tamer. I say give it an endpoint for exclusivity and stick to it.
Hey ladies… would love your opinion on something!
So, to be honest I wasn’t totally feelin’ my date on Friday night. I did have a good time. I thought he seemed sweet and energetic and outgoing. But I didn’t feel any excitement for him. He kissed me (a number of times) but at the end of the night I just really wanted to go home.
I’m not sure if it was because I just wasn’t into him at all, or if part of it was because I’m still sick and not feeling well, or if it was because we tried two different bars and everywhere was loudly playing the Blue Jays game (and neither of us understand or give a shit about baseball). It was hard to hear each other and I felt like we ran out of things to talk about.
I honestly couldn’t care less if I ever hear from him again. I can’t think of anything wrong with him at all, and I realize that there doesn’t need to be something wrong with somebody to not be interested. But my bestest friends are encouraging me to give him one more date at least. Because typically my pattern is to get all starry eyed and over the moon excited about some guy and then obsess over him and then it goes nowhere. So, my two best friends are saying maybe I should try breaking that pattern.
But I’m really not sure what I want. What are your thoughts? Let’s hear it!
To quote @kare, “I think it would be different if you said that he opened up to you about some issues and said he is not comfortable kissing unless you are exclusive, but you like him and are respecting that choice with a reasonable endpoint in mind for exclusivity (say like two weeks or something).” <– I must not have been expressing it well but that is exactly what happened. It is him saying what he’s comfortable with and what he wants, and me respecting it, with the end point that he asked me to give him this week while he is in NYC and that by this time next week we will be exclusive etc. He does view kissing as more of a big deal than I do, but that being said he really did want to kiss me too last night.
Also to @kare’s other point, we did a lot of snuggling and also kissing on the cheek, nose, etc. Very G-rated, but like I said I am respecting his comfort level on this and have the expectation that it will be a week, because that’s what he asked from me.
If it doesn’t happen or he avoids it when I see him after he gets back from NYC, I will address it and voice my needs and see where his thought process is, and make decisions from there. So far I have to say I think we’ve been pretty good about communicating with each other and I’m not going to just let things slide for 3 months like I did with Hippie Artist. (That was stupid, I admit it. And I knew, based on several other factors, it was never going to go anywhere real with Hippie Artist anyway. He was a diversion, and I’m kind of glad he fell off the face of the earth when he did so I didn’t get more invested.)
@MissDre For what my opinion is worth, I would say try going out with him one more time too…and I agree to do something you like or want to do so you’ll know you’ll enjoy that at least. That way you’ll know for sure either way if you want to see him again or if you’re really just not feeling it.
I also wonder why this is coming up now. Before it was the bad relationship, then it was the nerves thing and now it’s wanting a committed relationship. Why not lead with that, you know? I’ve never seen anyone throw out so many excuses to just not kiss someone. Plus he knows you wanted it ladyE and he’s done everything in his power to deny it to you. Worse, he couldn’t even be straight with you about it. He hems, he haws, he prevaricates, he dumps a veritable truck load of neuroses on you that you’re supposed to smile and deal with (work, money, bad relationships) and has you hooked with emotional intimacy before he’ll offer you the slightest bit of physical intimacy. Where are YOU? YOU matter too and it’s not enough that he gives you the warm squigglies because you somehow believe that all his junk on your shoulders means this is a meaningful connection.
Exactly @Ange. So many different reasons to delay a kiss? i think its a bad sign. But I’m still hoping it goes well for you, Lady e.
Veracityb- they seriously ask if you’d be into getting a hotel room on the first date? I do think that is weird.
I’ve had my fair share of one night stands, or a few night stands, and my husband and I were FWBs first, but I would absolutely say I’ve ended up in bed on an early date because there was amazing mutual attraction and passion and maybe alcohol involved sometimes. (Also, Ive never dated someone I didn’t know first.)
Not like, “hey, wanna get a room?” *wink, wink. If someone propositioned me like that, without heavy, dripping sexual attraction and spark, I would absolutely walk away. I would say that’s more than opportunistic.
