Ele4phantJanuary 23, 2017 at 11:57 am #670426
So I understand a lot of commenters are saying not to ask and that’s against etiquette, but it really comes down to your relationship with your mom, which only you know.
Personally, I am very close with my mom. I know I could ask her whatever I wanted. I also know we have a relationship where she feels comfortable telling me no. So I would have no qualms asking her something like this plainly, and I know she wouldn’t feel imposed upon or that it was a burden on her to say no. The rules of etiquette or formality don’t apply to our relationship.
What is your relationship like with your mom? I guess if you’re asking strangers for advice, maybe it’s not like mine…FirestarJanuary 23, 2017 at 12:41 pm #670432
“Hey mom Connor and I were starting to look at rings…how come we don’t have any family rings…I always loved that tradition…” I think that’s the most you can say. If she wants to offer them she can. Kate was perfect – diamonds should be offered and never asked for. For what it’s worth I wanted a heirloom christening dress in the family… so I bought one with handstitched lace and silk. Maybe it will be a heirloom. Maybe no one ever gets baptized again and they use it to dress teddy bears. Who knows. Maybe you stay married, maybe you don’t. No one knows. You can always buy your own diamond with an eye to making it a family heirloom. And being okay with your kid asking for it before you were ‘done’ with it.
Anyway, you can *subtly* set up an opportunity for her to offer but that’s it.
Like others have said, I don’t think you should ask for the ring. I feel like if your mom wanted you to have it (prior to general inheritance after passing) she would have mentioned it to you already in your other discussions about jewelry.
I think SpaceySteph gave a great example regarding having your boyfriend ask for a “family ring” for something sentimental. I have known several couples to do this, but often times they have known in advance there was a ring/diamond waiting for when that time came. But, I think it is different if you want to start the tradition instead of your mom. If you want to start that tradition then you might have to wait to have your own kids instead of forcing your mom to start it for you?
My mother and her siblings just divided all of my grandmother’s personal effects last year. It took them 5 years after she was gone to get this done and only afterwards did my mother pass along some of the items she inherited to my siblings and I – we didn’t ask for anything. She invited us all over, sat us down and we discussed what we each wanted. That is how heirlooms are passed down, willingly and most often after one is deceased.
I understand that your mother may have off-handedly commented that all of her jewelry would go to you once she is gone, however, until she is actually gone and the will has been read she has every right to change her mind. What you would like to do is circumvent her rights and ownership and call it a “new family tradition.”
It seems as though you and your bf don’t have or don’t want to spend the money to buy a diamond but you really want one. Rather than saving to buy an antique ring at an estate sale you have decided to pre-inherit your mother’s ring.
I would never dream of asking my mother this even if I was an only child. She would either say yes out of guilt or say no and feel guilty for refusing me. It’s just not a fair ask. Don’t do it. Don’t hint at your need for a diamond either. Just because someone isn’t using something at the moment doesn’t mean you are entitled to it. Would you ask your parents for their savings? After all, they aren’t using it now and you’ll probably stand to inherit the money once they die…
Look, maybe the reason you have to ask strangers how to ask your own mother for something is because there is no good way to do it and it shouldn’t be done at all.RedRoverRedRoverJanuary 23, 2017 at 1:05 pm #670445
@Ale, I think Ele4phant’s point was that she wouldn’t have to figure out how to ask her mom. She just would. My mom and I are the same. I could ask, she would answer, no one would be upset or guilty or anything. Which does lead me to think that maybe she shouldn’t ask. If she doesn’t know how to broach it, that might be a sign that she shouldn’t broach it.FyodorJanuary 23, 2017 at 1:28 pm #670454
I kind of get the impression that she wants to be able to pressure her mom and is hoping that everyone here will tell her that she’s entitled to it.ele4phantJanuary 23, 2017 at 1:30 pm #670455
Yeah, I would just ask openly but without expectation, but again, I know my relationship with my mother so I know I could ask without it causing drama or weirdness. If you don’t have that relationship with your mother, then you shouldn’t do that.
As an aside, I am surprised so many other commenters wouldn’t even broach the subject with their mothers. If you can’t be informal and direct with your own mom, who can you be informal and direct with?Northern StarJanuary 23, 2017 at 1:37 pm #670459
ele4phant, I could be honest and direct and ask my mom if I could have $5000 of her money to blow on a vacation to Europe. Gee, I’d like both of those things! She’s got more money than me, and she’s not using it right now… But I don’t, because it’s NOT MINE TO DEMAND. I think it’s incredibly presumptuous to ask that someone to fork over her current wedding ring so I could melt it down and take the diamond—and it’s selfish to claim this is about “keeping the diamond in the family” when the family you’re talking about is yourself.
It’s not about honesty. It’s about feeling entitled to other someone’s else’s belongings.
@Ele4phant, I think it’s that if there’s anyone who would do ANYTHING to make you happy, it’s probably your mom, right? Who makes more sacrifices than moms? She may really want to keep that diamond for personal or sentimental reasons, but if you ask for it, then she may feel like she has to give it up even though she’d rather not. My mom has jewelry she’s freely given me, but I wouldn’t ask her for anything she hadn’t offered, because I don’t know that she’d be direct with me, actually. I’d feel awful if I ever found out she hadn’t wanted to give it up.AnonymousseJanuary 23, 2017 at 1:49 pm #670463
I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to talk to her about it. Everyone has different relationships with their parents, and even I wouldn’t have a problem talking to my mother about this stuff…and we have a borderline okay relationship on the best of days. I don’t think it’s bad taste to talk or ask about this. To each their own, I guess. It depends on how you frame this. Only you know her personality, so I’d imagine you have more insight into how she would react. If you’ve asked about the rings before and she’s said when she is gone they are yours, perhaps it’s best to leave it.