CONTROLLING OLDER SISTER, FEEL TRAPPED AT 20
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Make sure you get all your important paperwork and things out before she knows or finds out. So, move that out quietly first. She’s controlling and abusive and you never know what level someone will stoop to.
Good luck.
That’s really good advice thank you, I was worried about that so it’s good for me to prepare for the worst just in case
If you have to move in with your boyfriend, PLEASE don’t let him have control over anything important either. It’s not that your boyfriend is a bad guy, it’s that when you’re leaving a relationship where someone exerted a lot of control over you, it’s easy to fall into the same dynamic with someone else. Frankly, no matter how well you get on with your boyfriend, it’s a good idea to make moving in with him temporary. You need to see how you make decisions without anyone else having a say and how you take care of yourself without relying on anyone else. He should understand this.
Woa.
Well step one is to gain some financial independence if you can. Are there any work study programs you can do at school? Like running a dorm mail room or working in the library? You could study while you worked and you would be at school so your sister would be less likely to notice. Get everything you need together and try to get it to a safe location. Maybe you can rent a locker or something similar at your school. Then slowly move things to that location.
Ideally you should try to get to a place where you could move in with roommates. In college there are always people looking for someone to live with. You don’t want to go from dependent on your sister to dependent on your bf.
I’m so sorry your sister is acting this way. I’m 12 years older than my sister so our relationship has always been different than normal sisters but I’ve always seen myself as someone she could talk to about things and get real advice and not the overbearing bs our parents tend to give. This is NOT an age thing, this is NOT normal. Don’t let her convince you that it is.
Thank you for the advice I totally agree I should not be totally dependent on him. Even though he’s offered me everything she does I would only be moving in so I could work a regular job and be independent so if things didn’t work out I could easily leave and stand on my own two feet. Thank you dmarie for bringing up the age difference that’s her excuse for a lot of it. She says that she doesn’t understand why I rebel against her like she’s my mother and yet she places these restrictions on me as if she is my mother-it’s very confusing. She basically states that she wishes she didn’t have to be the parent role in my life she wishes she could just be my sister but that’s how it is.
Don’t make a bad situation worse by moving in with a BF before you are ready. In fact, as dmarie said above, this move should be temporary. Get a job, either new or the old one and then find alternate housing like sharing with roommates.
And keep your money separate if you are set on staying with him.
Your sister is abusive. Here, I was all prepared for yet another whiney letter… but your situation is truly batshitcrazy. The way she is treating you? There is no real way to justify that. You ate NOT 12.
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Is there anybody else you can stay with. Your boyfriend sounds solid. But moving in together too fast out of sheer necessity is a surefire way to kill the spark…Thank you bittergaymark! Truly, sometimes I have to check myself to ensure that I’m not just being a whiny 20 year old so thank you for the validation. He is a solid man but I agree it would be unfortunate to move out of necessity. It would probably only be a temporary move so I can get a job to actually save up for myself and he understands this.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I think everyone’s advice re: moving out, gaining financial independence, but being careful not to depend on your boyfriend is really solid.
There is one thing you wrote that I’d like to address, though:
“She was using the fact that I kept the relationship from her and lied as her reasoning for everything. I feel however that by quitting my job and breaking things off with him for 45 days that I have paid my dues to this.”The thing is, you didn’t owe her anything because you didn’t do anything wrong. You were waiting until things were serious to introduce him, which is actually the most appropriate way to behave. You didn’t do anything for which you need to atone; that’s the line she’s feeding you to keep you under her control. It must be hard to trust yourself when your sister is second guessing you and pretending she’s exerting this much control over you for your own good. On some level I’m sure you want to trust her since she’s your closest family member. I just want to reiterate that your gut is correct and you are being controlled in an unhealthy way. I went through something similar around your age and it’s very hard to accept that the “adults” who are supposed to have your best interests in mind are flawed people who don’t actually always know what’s best for other people. I’d recommend seeing a counselor to process all this, too. It can be incredibly helpful in so many ways. Good luck.
Thank you taramonster, in some ways I think she’s somehow manipulated me into submission for a long time by telling me that I have a mindset of a 16 year old and that I’m not mentally 20 and ready to be on my own.
I’m going to talk to her this weekend about everything to see if she will back off and let me regain some control of my life so I actually have time to properly move out- very nervous, any ideas for what I should say? Or strong statements that would be good to use?
Thank you so much for the advice guys“I think she’s somehow manipulated me into submission for a long time by telling me that I have a mindset of a 16 year old and that I’m not mentally 20 and ready to be on my own.”
That is exactly what she is doing. My father did the same thing to me when I was 18/19 and upset with the way he was treating me – he told me I was “not as mature as other girls my age” and, biggest question is, how would he know that? It’s not like he regularly hung out with barely legal teens (which would be an icky problem all on its own). Does your sister know any 16-year-olds? Has she ever “parented” one (I say that with quotes because she is not parenting you so much as, yes, trying to control you).
As for advice on your chat with your sister…I don’t say this to scare you, but I would be prepared to move out that day. It may not come to that, but with an abusive/manipulative person you always want to have your backup plan available. I wanted to send my parents a letter telling them I would no longer live with them over the summer (it was near the end of the school year and I was living on campus, which they were not paying for). But my counselor at the time convinced me to have the conversation in person when I went home for a weekend, and honestly that was a mistake. It blew up in a huge way that I was not prepared for and totally ruined my last few weeks of school, causing my grades for the semester to drop due to poor performance on my finals. I am NOT saying this will definitely happen to you, but I do think it’s important to prepare for the possibility that this talk may end in you needing to find a new place to live ASAP.
