Dealing with sex issues related to health problems
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I would say give it some time but scale waaaaay back on your emotional investment with him until he shows willingness to do some serious work in this area. I’m not finding it super impressive that his “effort” so far has been touching you a couple times and allowing you to get him off. Obviously there’s a lot going on here but lazy selfish lovers tend to stay that way and I’m seeing some signs that that is what you’re dealing with.
That’s what I’m saying. If at three months my guy doesn’t seem interested in or capable of giving a lady an orgasm by whatever means possible, I’m not going all in on a love connection.
I of course don’t know him as well now, but I disagree that people can’t be in love that is beyond infatuation at this point. I certainly am not blinded by dazzling sex,in this case, as can happen to people, me included-lol. Being able to talk on here has helped me to make several decisions about handling this going forward and I feel more positive about everything.
I do agree I have been rushing the whole sexual thing and putting pressure on myself to solve it right now because I am afraid of what it will mean if the situation is the same 6 months from now. I need to stop thinking of negative end results and focus on the positive aspects here-many in general. I have to re-assess my bottom line priorities and dealbreakers and get clear on what I really want and need. Then as time goes by,like you all (mostly) have said,I can see if he can satisfy those needs. My major issue /conflict is figuring out if he really wants to-I can live with effort and slow progress if I know that. But that is unknown at this point-he says he does but are the obstacles too high for him? So I will cultivate patience and try to dial the urgency back.
A perspective from a couple of guys on here would interest me-especially on how to talk with him about this or if I should just stop talking about it for awhile.
I’d give it maybe 2-3 more months to see if he actually puts his words into actions and tries to get you off, and if he doesn’t show some real honest interest and effort on that front, MOA. Six months is more than enough time to explore some alternative ways to please a woman if he’s having some issues with his plumbing.
Hi Juliecatherine and Kate-I did not see the above posts when I wrote more just now. I have been looking at this, that for him, he IS making effort but that is interesting what you two say. Part of the issue is that he cannot comfortably get into a lot of sexual positions for oral and manual sex ( stroke related)-so I worry about causing him discomfort, taking too long to come etc. I can move to him, but that has it’s issues too. Writing this,I can see it sounds like a big uphill climb-and having detailed talks with him are going to be involved-I am sure being him with these issues is no fun either,so there are many emotional, mental and physical aspects to this whole thing. He is not selfish,I would say,almost the opposite, where he is unused to having someone desire to give him pleasure. It has happened at my initiation, not him requesting it, but he appears to enjoy it. In his relationships that were serious ( 2 marriages and a couple live-in situations)he seems to have been the provider/caretaker/rescuer in without getting much in return in many aspects of the relationships. Also,he has not dated for years,partially due to the stroke but he was busy raising kids before that. So I want to be understanding and compassionate but balance my own needs and desires in there too.
I think if you have to be the one driving the conversation and exploration it is a very bad sign. It shows that he’s not that concerned for your satisfaction or is too hung up to do the work…which is a separate issue. The man learned all sorts of challenging things after the stroke because they were important to him-if this is important he’ll give it a real go. If you don’t see solid evidence of that soon decide if you want a sex life and if so MOA.
Ok, but what would you say is the obstacle stopping him from just going down there to do some oral? I’m being serious. At 59, you know men well enough to know that if they want to do something, they will do it. Especially at the beginning when they are, yes, infatuated and want to impress you and make you happy.
If I had seen a post like this,prior to meeting him,with the sex being an issue for the L.W.-I would have automatically said to forget it,this can’t work. Being “in it” is much more complex and the choices not so easy to make. He is a wonderful man and so funny that I laugh out loud, enjoys similar things, has similar values and ideas and has strength of character. He is very cuddly,kissy, affectionate actually too. Treats me so well. I am just dealing with something I have never experienced before and I is tough because everything else is so wonderful,but sex, however broadly defined is important too.
Oh, just saw your update. I don’t know, it seems quite unlikely this guy is able to meet your needs, and I hate to see you try to talk yourself out of them.
Not totally on topic, but my brother is 45, mentally challenged due to a childhood accident, very very overweight, and not in great health (I don’t think he gets quality sleep due to apnea or whatever). He has to be told to shower, “forgets” his wallet when we go out to dinner, is pretty unreliable etc. BUT, if something is happening that’s motivating to him personally, he is the most on the ball individual you’ve ever seen. He’ll be up at the crack of dawn, showered, shaved, bags packed, sitting on the made bed if my parents are taking him on vacation. Once we promised him Jimmy Buffett tickets, and he called me at 7am the day before the tickets went on sale, as well as the day of. If he wants something, he is so all over it. But if you leave your dog with him for a day, he’ll sit in front of the TV for 8 hours and never take the dog out.
Again,thanks for the responses. Thanks Wendy, for your opinion. I am sure he does want to please me-I agree that he can use the determination he had to prevent a life in a wheelchair/group home, with this issue if he wants to. I guess that is the question that time will answer. I know now that I want to give him that time, even if things are not easy and slow to progress. Part of the thing is that we live 90 min. away from each other and can only meet on weekends,part of which I usually work. So chunks of time to just play around are not readily available,but a vacation is in the offing. I have a plan to get more consistent time off on occasion too.
Hi Kate-thanks for that-it makes me think that downplaying my needs to take pressure off him is not a good approach and that is what I have been doing to some degree-okay a lot. If I act like it is not as important to me as it is-I do us both a disservice. Lots of angles to consider. A stroke is by nature a brain injury so relating it too your brother not so far off.
