Dealing with sex issues related to health problems
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I think you have a pretty good idea of what to do and as you say, downplaying it is a disservice to both of you–partnership requires clear communication so don’t be hesitant to say what you need! A vacation coming up is a great time to explore each other so set that expectation with him now.
I’m also curious what he says the obstacles are. I also think it reminds me of the saying “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.” He can have been through a lot of stuff and ALSO be a bad sex partner. I think you’re also assuming that being selfish in regard to sex means he’s a bad person. It can also just be someone who doesn’t put in enough effort to make sure their partner is getting what they want. Sometimes it’s just being lazy about it. Rather than do something that is outside their comfort zone or that requires learning or effort, they choose not to.
I won’t necessarily give an opinion on whether people CAN be in love after 3 months, but I will say that I personally would try to AVOID that feeling. The issue is that at 3 months, you likely have not learned enough information or observed enough experiences with them to make a logical decision on whether your compatible or not. Your situation is an example of this, where you are needing to find out more before figuring out if this has long-term potential. The issue is that if you decide you are in love at 3 months, you get much more emotionally invested. So, even if you aren’t practically compatible, suddenly you’re “in love” and can’t imagine leaving them and potentially make a lot of excuses for the incompatibility. I’m not saying you’re making excuses, but it sounds like you are hoping very much that any suggestion that he might not be a good option to be serious with can be resolved.
Hi-I don’t think he is a bad person, if he is not very sexual-just not for me. I really don’t think he is selfish. I think he is just starting from a not very experienced place and with his limitations physically it is going to be challenging. E.D. issue not a dealbreaker for me if he can and will step up in other ways. But for men it really is a severe problem and colours how manly they feel in many cases. After his stroke,he had kind of resigned himself to never having sex (as least the kind of typical intercourse people have) ever again. So-now he met me and so…
I still take issue with 3 months not being long enough to fall in love. Everyone is different but in my experience and with people I know-it sounds about right-the 3 to 4 month zone. If I was not emotionally invested,I would say forget it (as some here think may be a good choice) but running from problems is not good either. I think if the situation were reversed I would want reassurance and patience and some time, trust that we could work things out. So, now I will see him this weekend and we will have time to talk and I am going to be as candid about my needs as I can and then see what happens. I am getting a portable air conditioner too,to make my place more comfortable. This is not a black /white issue to me,although it could sound to some like I am complicating it. I live in an area where 90% of the guys are not my type and I am not theirs-so I don’t want to give up on him. ( though I would not stay not to be alone-am fine on my own but happier in a good relationship)I guess it could be a lazy approach but I don’t think so. However,I have to be clear with him and then see how things progress. I am very grateful for all the comments as this is very difficult for me.
In any of these sorts of situations I would always look to my guru Dan Savage. He has great advice about ED that could be worth a try:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=23440
However none of his advice is going to work if your guy doesn’t commit to trying and actually following through with action. If he does the first you might be on track for the second. If he’s just words well, you have your answer.
Thanks for all the advice-I feel better and ready to deal with the situation. Good to get a range of opinions to help me decide what I want to do.
Hi-Just a quick up-date. I was able to think in a positive way about this and praised him for the progress he has shown so far. I know now, after us talking some more, that he does want to make things work in this area and he showed me-lol. He really is a great guy and I am optimistic/happy with the way things are going. Thanks to Wendy and everyone who commented,for your feedback.
That’s good! Remember, going forward, you’re looking for continued progress, rather than sporadic effort only when you say something. But it’s encouraging that you were able to have a productive conversation and then some physical progress. Did you feel ok telling him what you need?
Hi Kate-yes,I was comfortable. I took the opportunity when he mentioned something related, instead of making a production of having ” A Talk”. So, I praised the positive and things I noticed he was doing etc. I did say that I needed to know he was interested in, and willing to figure out things that could make us both happy,whether or he was able to resolve the E.D. I also said that I had hope that in time the E.D. can improve and we could look at options to help with that. He initiated some play this weekend and I was happy about that. Thanks again for commenting!
