Friends w/ Children Don't Get Babysitters
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OP I think you need to decide that when it comes to your birthday you and your group of friends aren’t compatible and then make your plans with that realization. This is a major incompatibility. That’s okay. Make the plans you want to make that will give you the birthday you want to experience.
I am late to this party and am not sure if everyone added to this. However, I will add two things:
1.) Babysitters make nights out very expensive. I know it is going to your house but babysitters in my area are $10-$15 an hour. So a night out can add another $50 and that isn’t always in a family budget.
2.) Something like your birthday might not be worth a babysitter. If you can only get a babysitter a few nights a year, I tend to want to use that on something special and not a house party.
3.) it is just way easier to keep your kids with you. My son is at an age where he won’t go to sleep for other people. So if i go out, get home late, and he is still awake, it ruins my whole night and I paid $50 for that privilege. I also vote going out somewhere so it is more special than a house party.
csp, I think your post is exactly what we’ve been trying to tell the OP. Her friends don’t give enough of a shit about her party to come if it involves any effort. OF COURSE it’s easier to bring your kid with you. Nobody’s arguing that, so I’m not sure why people keep saying it, honestly.
And I find it weird that people would prefer to pay for a babysitter AND for parking/dinner/drinks out rather than only a babysitter and go to someone’s house for a free meal—if money is the issue. (A few people have said this now.) Why does the host have to FORCE you to leave your kid at home or not come? Why does she have to sweeten the deal to bribe you into showing up?
Given the reasoning by other parents in this thread, if the poster thinks of these people as her closest friends, I have to say that she is right to be hurt. Everything boils down to “You’re not worth effort.” That sucks. Close friends are worth some effort.
I am in the same position now, where a lot of my friends have kids and I don’t, and while yes they all have busy lives with child related activities if something is important they will make time to get together.
It really sounds like your friends are jerks, who are more than willing to take your time and efforts to be a part of their families lives but not willing to make the smallest effort to return the favour. Sure, maybe 3-4 times a years doesn’t work for them all but explicitly ignoring the invitation wording and demanding a special cake for their precious snowflake.
Why can’t they get together (or at least a few families) and pool resources to get a sitter to look after a few of the kids? This is likely to reduce costs and allow them the option to come. Or at the very least a few of them could partake in the house party…
My firm belief is that if people want you in their life they will make time for you – even if its not super convenient. And sometimes you just have to let people go. I get kids are a priority, but on some level so should nurturing longstanding friendships with people who have clearly put a lot of effort in over the years…
@northern star – The only thing I will say is it isn’t not giving a shit about her. It is not giving a shit about her birthday. There is a difference. I was just talking with friends the other day about how life has seasons. And having young children is a season and it is a hard one. I know that my husband and I made a goal of 4 date nights this year and we have only completed 3. So that is kind of sad but we work full time and do our best. If we can’t have dinner alone 4 times a year then to jump through hoops for every friend’s birthday is hard. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about them but it does mean that sometimes you need to adjust for a few years. Either just having the guys go out or just the women. I now have friends whose kids are older (over 10) and suddenly their life is opening up. But before then, for long term friendships, you need to shift as lives change and evolve.
Yeah these friends sound kind of…crappy? I mean i hate to say that about people but WTF. I have a 10 yo and always watched him like a hawk at peoples homes/museums, well every-damn-where, when he was a toddler. Letting kids destroy people things is no bueno. Then, if something is adults only, there is no way I’d bring him anyway! That is rude AF. Then, yes it is expensive to hire a babysitter, but theres an easy fix – if you can’t afford one stay home with the kid. You friends seem incredibly entitled, like they want to get out it seems but they do not want to get a sitter.
Anyway, as far as solutions, #1, don’t invite the folks who bring kids when asked not to, #2 you could hire a baby sitter and put em in a room, but frankly, your friends sounds like the kind of overly entitled people where if something happened to their kid with said babysitter, they’d hold you responsible, #3 go out to a kid free place, but again, your friends sound like the type who’d stick you with the bill.Oh please. These friends as described are entitled assholes. There is just no excuse for their treatment of the poster. Maturity is not something the OP is lacking—it’s something her friends desperately need.
If you can’t or don’t want to go to an event, you say, “Oh, I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for us.” You don’t demand to drag your kids along, demand specific food for little Johnny, and make your hostess act as a defacto babysitter because you don’t bother watching them at someone else’s home.
And if you refuse enough invitations, you don’t get invited anymore. Naturally.
They may be entitled assholes, but I wasn’t commenting about their behavior.
I think it’s immature to say people don’t care about you if they don’t come to your over 30 birthday party.
Guys guys! It’s almost thanksgiving.
I think you’re both right.
It’s super rude to invite your children over when you’ve explictly been told they aren’t welcome. WTF.
It’s also true that kids = lots of time + money, and not wanting to spring for a babysitter to attend a friend’s birthday dinner does not mean you don’t care about your friend, it just means you have constraints in how you can spend your time and money because of the kids. Sometimes for practicality’s sake you have to make choices you wouldn’t want to if time and money weren’t an obstacle. Declining to go to a friend’s birthday party because you don’t have excess time/money to give doesn’t mean you don’t love and care about them.
ele4phant – for the win.
I will also say that it sounds like this group made a major shift and the LW is looking to go back to like it was before. This happened to me actually. I had a set of friends that had kids at the same time but my husband and I couldn’t. So the whole group dynamic shifted.
This has also happened with friends after high school and college. People you spent every waking hour with then life gets in the way. Or when a friend gets a boyfriend and married and you “never see them anymore.” Or even coworkers. My first job was a place that did happy hour all the time. my job now doesn’t ever. Does that make us less close, no. It is just a different group dynamic.
I don’t know, I understand what the parents on here are saying (I’m a single mom of a 4 year old), but I think if they do this every time and you’re only extending the invite as “adults-only” 3-4 times per YEAR, your friends are kind of self-centered. And if you truly do host their kids other times and go to all of their kid-friendly events, even more so.
Friendships are about reciprocation, not just the non-kid people bending to the kid people’s needs. I understand that there are some people who live far away from anyone who can help with their child, but there are almost always still options. For instance, why can’t spouse A stay home with child so spouse B can go to the adults only party one time, and the next time they rotate it so spouse B can go to the party? If all the parents are friends, why can’t they coordinate so that once or twice per YEAR, one person sits it out and watches the kids so everyone else in the circle can go be adults? I realize every situation is different, but my point is that there are usually options available to accommodate adult events if the parents want to find them (especially since these kids don’t seem to be infants – they are running around unattended, so I would assume at least 4+ years old).
It kind of sounds like these people are drawing a line in the sand that they will never go out without their kids, and frankly, that sucks. I think it’s clear that you prioritize these friendships higher than they do, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure that’s difficult. Maybe they will change as their kids get older, but in the meantime, know that there are plenty of parents of small children who do manage to spend anywhere from 1-4 kid free nights per YEAR with their friends. I keep capitalizing year because once per quarter is really not a huge commitment, plus they don’t have to attend all 4 to show you that they are interested in maintaining the friendship.
Before I get yelled at, I do understand that these people all have the right to prioritize their lives however they see fit. I just think it’s kind of crappy to assume your kid-free friends should always be the ones making accommodations for you and your kids. They don’t have to host a kid-free party, and they don’t have to come to every single kid-free party you ever throw, but as friends they should make an effort to fit in to your life on occasion.
I will end this with asking – have you tried sincerely talking to them? I don’t know how close these friendships are, but if they are really special relationships that you don’t want to lose, maybe try talking with them and letting them know how you’re feeling. Let them know that you’re happy to work around their schedules and their kids often (maybe even the majority of the time!), but that every now and then you’d like it if they could work with you for your lifestyle.
