Guy friend confessed his feelings hours after my breakup
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@Northern Star
I’m really not being dramatic. I’ve known this guy since I was 12 years old. Within the last (approximately) 2 years we’ve been best friends. He has always been the person I’ve gone to for support and I’ve always been the person he has gone to. The minute I stop seeing the boyfriend I was with for the whole time we were friends, he starts acting like this. So yeah, it is pretty shitty to find out that he wasn’t being a real friend to me the past year and a half or so…
Yeah but to your earlier point, he actually didn’t start acting like this the minute you stopped seeing the guy. His timing was obviously bad here, but he was telling you all along he was romantically interested in you, if you’d known what to pick up on.
You said he confessed his feelings to you BEFORE you broke up with the boyfriend. So I have no idea why you thought it would be a great idea to hang out with him immediately after breaking up. Why did you?
That’s probably true, but it was not obvious to me at all. I did pick up on some things, but they were really small. You can’t really control when you have a crush on someone but you can control what you do about it. I thought since he was a good friend it would go away on its own. I figured it was just a harmless crush. I figured that if it was so hugely out of his control that he would have the sense to distance himself from me. He did, however, start acting blatantly obvious about it the day of the breakup. He was so obvious about it that it made me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable.
@northernstar
I didn’t even think about it. I thought that since he had been such a good friend to me in the past, he would be able to cheer me up. He had always been the person to put my feelings before his. I guess I just thought he would put what he said aside for that day. And like I said to Kate, I didn’t think he was like that at all. He did a complete 360 that afternoon. That’s why I feel so betrayed.
“He had always been the person to put my feelings before his.”
Perhaps it was time for you to try putting his feelings before yours. Leaning on him to pick you up after a breakup, knowing he had feelings for you, was very selfish.
Do you know when he started falling for you?
I do think your response was a little dramatic, but you’re 20. If you had more experience under your belt, you might just say, “hey, I feel uncomfortable and pressured that you’re expressing these feelings the day after my breakup with Ted. I need some time to process this. I’ll reach out when I’m ready.”
Then after some time passes and you process your feelings, you could say you didn’t realize he felt that way, and that unfortunately you only feel friendship for him. Or, that is, until he started pushing that stuff on you hours after your breakup. And so maybe it’s a good idea to take a step back from the friendship.
@Northernstar
It’s not that I wanted to lean on him. I just thought we could hang out as friends and have a great time that night together as we had originally planned months in advance. I didn’t expect him to help me pick up the pieces or be there for a shoulder to cry on. I only wanted to have fun, as friends. All I know is he told me he had feelings for me a couple of weeks ago. He told me when I was trying to decide whether or not to break up with my boyfriend. But he made it clear to me he could still be my friend even though he had feelings for me. He made it clear he wanted to be.
I mean, you should still stop hanging out with him. His lame-o posting on Facebook proves that. But you seem to think he can just shut off his feelings (and you’re pissed he even has feelings). And apparently he can’t.
That happens. So move on. He didn’t “betray” you by flirting at a concert. Lord.
@Northernstar
I’m not mad that he has feelings! Like I said before, you can’t control your feelings for someone else. I didn’t expect him to “shut off his feelings.” You can control how you act around someone. Flirting with someone, leering at someone, acting as if those feelings are reciprocated, you can control that. Choosing to ignore someone telling you to stop, you can control that. So no, I don’t feel betrayed that he “flirted with me at a concert,” I feel betrayed that he chose to blatantly disregard my visible discomfort and respect for his friendship, as he did when he told me he liked me knowing I was dealing with a breakup
LW in my experience when someone you reject says they’re totally okay with just being friends…. they’re usually not okay with that all! I don’t mean this in a disparaging or accusatory way because I’ve been on both sides in my teens and early 20s. At 28 I’ve learned a lot since then!
In the mind of the rejected person, s/he wants so badly to be around the person they like and have that glimmer of hope of escaping the so-called friendzone that they’ll say anything and do anything to keep hanging around (up until they drop a feelings bomb on your lap at a concert of course)! Since your friend isn’t even 20 yet, I am a little more empathetic. He too needs to learn that he needs to take some time and space to heal.
If you’re in this situation again, you should give the person you rejected a little distance so you don’t end up accidentally lead them on and spare yourself from some awkwardness. I think I might have been a little hard on your friend in my earlier comments because I was a mess at 19 too but your feelings of frustration are definitely valid!
Hope that made sense!
