Need advice but also just to vent
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Is it really in the children’s best interests though to have a dad hiding who he really is, not to mention hiding sex paraphernalia around the house, and a mom losing her marbles trying to figure out what’s going on with dad by snooping?
I mean, really he’s hiding dildos and poppers in your bathroom. That’s not a safe environment for a child to grow up in. I don’t know why so many people think children are irreparably traumatized by their parents splitting up. Instead of a happy, trusting example of a relationship, you both are giving them a front seat to some real messed up stuff.
The lies, the cheating, the drugs, the sex toys, the snooping. They might be totally unaware now, but you know this is not good for your kids. You need to make a change.
So I read this again, and I’m not saying you are stupid or crazy, but you’re being stupid and letting your husband make you crazy. Nothing he says makes ANY sense whatsoever, including his initial story about the homeless man. Come on. And you’re deciding not to push him on any of this, and let him get away with worse and worse betrayals because you are desperate to hold on to your sham / fantasy vision of what your relationship is. You have so many excuses for him, and meanwhile you’re allowing your mental health to be wrecked.
He’s having sex with men. We know it, your friend knows it, your husband knows it, YOU know it. He’s cheating on you. When you’re not around he’s having sex with other people. And even if he weren’t, which he is, he’s completely dishonest with you all the time. You can’t live like that. Do you have a way to leave this marriage or are you stuck?
I mean, how can you trust a single thing he says? How can you trust him to pick up Bobby from practice at 4:30?
Your friend told you he’s had sex with your husband, right?
I mean if you want permission to carry on, with blinders on, normally I’d be happy to tell you to do that, but this time I don’t think I can give it because it’s driving you crazy. Because he’s a lying cheater. Because you have small children and he’s stashing inhalants around your house! That’s messed up. Why are you letting this continue? Please, I’d encourage you to seek therapy, but after you kick your husband out.
Yes, Kate- “you’re being stupid and letting him make you crazy.”
We’re not saying you’re stupid, but letting this go on is.
AliceDelmar:
So, the story is real. Very strange: you know for certain and he knows for certain that you know, yet he won’t discuss his attraction to men and his sexual encounters with men (of course he has had sex with men during your time with him — repeatedly).
Likely his family has instilled a lot of shame around homosexuality. Equally likely they don’t know whether he is bisexual or gay. His unwillingness to have an honest discussion with you seems to go beyond shame to a lack of trust and feeling of closeness with you. You are his spouse, but you are not a person whom he confides in (or trusts?) It’s hard to see how you can go on as you are, with this huge elephant that you can’t even talk to him about.
You also seem very unclear about your own feelings. You say you are very broad minded and wouldn’t object to any of this, if he just honestly spoke about this with you. What you wrote suggests this is at least not the complete truth. You do way too much snooping for one who doesn’t care. You find definitive proof he lies to you, yet you neither react based on that nor stop looking for proof of what you already know to a certainty.
I think it possible he is not bisexual and that you are just a cover for his real sexual interests to his family/friends/work. From what you write, he seems to get a lot of his sexual gratification at home, without you. Do you actually have a (to you) satisfactory sex life with him?
As a minimum, I think you need to insist upon talking all of this out with a couple’s therapist.
Sex with other men is just as serious cheating as having an affair with another woman.
Thanks all, this is the kind of reality check and validation I needed. I have a therapist but she is too gentle to say such things. I’m sort of stuck, being that I am a stay at home mom, but that’s something I’ll work out.
I mean, plenty of people have marriages that are not based on exclusive monogamous sex. People have marriages for the convenience of one. You can decide you’re okay with his sexuality and letting him explore. I don’t know that I would want that, but I know people accept this from their partners. There’s one huge difference though
The big, huge issue is even with all the evidence and things you’ve seen, he won’t just be honest with you. Especially after so much time together. It would kill me if my husband lied to me straight to my face. I couldn’t have a relationship with the lies and the cheating and the suspicion and gaslighting. Does he look you in the eyes while he lies to you?
I know it’s hard, I’ve been pretty much a stay at home mom forever (years.) The job market is insane right now. Retail workers are getting $15 starting wages for no experience, and you have life experience. Don’t sell yourself short.
If your therapist is too gentle, maybe it’s time to try a new one?
Gentle shouldn’t mean not helping you see the huge issues right in front of you.
I know a divorced mom of 3 who just got a job in finance that’s basically entry level but pays well. She had to take an exam which she passed.
Understand that your marriage completely lacks trust, and without trust it’s going to fall apart on its own. You need to either push a lot harder and get him to come clean with you so that you’re aware of everything he’s up to and decide whether or not you’re okay with it, or you need to just leave. He will owe you child support and you can get a job.
