Opinions on taking husband's last name?
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guy, i think that the problem is not that you want/ed a family who all had the same name, the problem is that you only expect your wife to bend on that. if having a cohesive family name was *really* that important, you would have no problem changing your own name to make that happen. so really, its not about having a family with the same name, its just about going with tradition/getting your way/insert whatever reason here.
specifically to you, i can see why her changing her name to yours was a good compromise, if i am reading it right that you went catholic for her, and you will raise your kids catholic, always see her mom ect- those were things you bent on, so i think her bending on the name thing makes sense… but, again, overall, the problem is not wanting a cohesive family name, the problem is that the woman is always the one expected to do it. if it was the actual cohesiveness that was important, men would have no problem making other arrangements.
also, just as an aside, remember- the cohesive family thing you had “always dreamed of it being” was fed to you from an early age… and that is the only reason you want/ed it.
Guy– I think you’re underestimating most of us. I read this whole thread, and I don’t think any of us said anything like “anytime a guy has any feeling about it besides “Oh, sweetie, whatever you want is fine with me,” we get labeled as chauvanist pigs who want to treat our wives like dining room sets or car”
My husband wanted me to change my name for the same reasons you did. I imagine the logic behind it was similar to why I wanted a diamond engagement ring… I always pictured having one and for some reason that meant something to me.
I don’t think my husband is a pig because he wanted us to share a name, just like he didn’t think I was a spoiled brat for wanting a diamond. We compromised. I got my ring, but he’s made it clear he will never purchase another diamond for me. I changed my name, but I kept my maiden name as my middle name and still go by it at work and in some social situations.
As others above have mentioned, I think it’s wonderful that we have the option to do whatever we want. I think it’s awesome when people change their names. If my mom hadn’t, I might not have the awesome Maiden name that I love so much. I love when a husband and wife both change their names to something that’s inclusive of both of them, and I fully support women who keep their names, and the men who have to endure all this drama just as much as we do!
Having a preference is in no way sexist. But if you told your now-wife anything other than “I’d prefer you take my name, but anything you choose is fine with me!” well…yeah. That’s kinda sexist. If you said, “I’d prefer we have the same name,” and either come up with a new one or offer to take hers, fine, not sexist. If it was HER choice to take your name, or if she just really didn’t have a preference, then it isn’t sexist. But yeah, TELLING a woman what to do with HER name? It’s sexist. I’m not saying anyone who does this is automatically evil and wrong, just…kind of casually sexist. Not huge in the list of sexist atrocities one can commit…but taking a woman’s choice away by right of being male? Kind of the definition of sexist. And do I think it’s fair that you make all the concessions you did? No, not at all. Doesn’t make the whole name shebang not sexist, and that doesn’t make the fact that you’re giving up holidays with your family kind of shitty. Do I think either of you was wrong for deciding what you could and couldn’t live with? No. By no stretch of the imagination are either of you making “wrong” decisions. You’re making the ones that are right for you.
For me, I couldn’t get past the fact that I like my name and love who I’ve always been and couldn’t imagine changing it, and for me, coming into a marriage as fully my own person would make my marriage feel stronger. That’s me, and that’s my choice. I couldn’t choose a person who felt I had less of a right to my own name than him. But I also couldn’t marry a Catholic nor anyone who wanted kids. We all make our choices, which is the point of feminism.
I view a guy wanting a woman to take his last name the same way I view a woman wanting a man to give her an engagement ring. Would we be okay with a man saying “I know it’s tradition to give you an engagement ring but I don’t really think it is fair of you to ask me to spend all that money on it so I’m not going to.” Some of you would be okay with that. I wanted an engagement ring. Neither of us are wrong. I think that changing your name is a very individual decision and no one should look down on either’s choices. I also think that it is valid for a man to have an opinion and this can be something that the couple can compromise on. I don’t think it is okay for a man to force a woman to change her name, but then again I don’t think it’s okay for anyone to force anyone to do anything so that issue is really about force and not about name changing.
^ What lemongrass said.
Walter just came up with an excellent compromise. We’re both changing our names to Badass. Or Motherfucker. We can’t decide. Mr. And Mrs. Motherfucker has a nice ring to it, I think.
I view a guy wanting a woman to take his last name the same way I view a woman wanting a man to give her an engagement ring.
See, THAT should have been the analogy I used. Serves me right for trying to post after having the worst work day ever. 🙂 I completely agree with you, lemongrass, and that’s a much better way of saying it: if we don’t penalize a woman for wanting an engagement ring “just because”, neither should we penalize a man for wanting his wife to take his last name “just because.” I get what everyone is saying — and, of course, I didn’t order my wife to take my last name and that was that (though I won’t deny I cajoled and guilted her a little!) — and I think this may be one of those “agree to disagree” kind of things. And as long as no one comes for my throat for feeling that way, I won’t do it for someone having the opposite view.
Also, I think painted_lady summarized my thought process well too by saying:
I couldn’t choose a person who felt I had less of a right to my own name than him. But I also couldn’t marry a Catholic nor anyone who wanted kids. We all make our choices, which is the point of feminism.
To me, wanting to take my last name is probably up there with wanting kids and their faith in potential deal-breakers. Would I have walked away from my wonderful wife if she had refused? I don’t know. Thank goodness I don’t have to find out, right? 🙂
For me, changing my name is not even a consideration and never was. Even when I dated my last bf, who was very religious and traditional, I said I would hyphenate because I couldn’t imagine giving up my whole identity, which is name changing felt *to me*. Now, I can’t imagine even hyphenating or adding another name to mine. (FWIW, even my own MOTHER has told me that I’m disrespectful to my future husband because I don’t want to be Mrs. Him. She’s an ass, though, and part of the reason I’m so openly feminist and anti-tradition in these matters.)
I know that my FMIL is going to be disappointed and hurt, because in her mind, rejecting the family name is rejecting the family, but I don’t care that much about anyone’s opinion on the subject outside of my own. My fiance has said that he loves Temperance “MyLastName” and that’s who he fell for, not Temperance “HisLastName”, who is someone he doesn’t even know.
I think that, at the very least, it should be a compromise and a discussion rather than a flat-out assumption that the woman has to take the man’s name. There are plenty of reasons to make the choice to change or not change (or add), but I think they need to be part of a larger conversation about expectations in the relationship.
I understand all of the reasons people have for wanting to keep their maiden name…careers, personal identification, just not wanting to change it. I don’t think it makes you more progressive to keep your name or less progressive to take your husband’s name. It’s a personal choice. I have a colleague who took his wife’s last name.
For me personally, I would take my potential future husband’s name unless it was something really awful like buttgobbler or something. If that were the case, I would want to make up a better name that we can both share (I like Badass or Motherfucker, let me know which one you don’t use! 🙂 ) I don’t have a terrific career and I am estranged from my parents so I have no loyalty to my patriarchal maiden name. Plus, hyphenating gets really confusing and long-winded. I work in customer service and I just groan when an account comes up with two super long hyphenated names. “Good evening Ms. Xylophone-Supercalafragalisticexpieladocious. How are you today?”
For anyone who wants to change their last name to their husbands I say go for it. You can be a feminist and have a more traditional marriage, thats what feminism is all about-making choices that work for you. But I can’t imagine wanting or needing to convince your wife to take your last name under any kind of pressure, its such a personal thing. I’ve talked to so many women who regretted or had a very hard time after the husbands made it a big deal while their husbands are looking or expecting them to rejoice in the transformation. It’s such a miss-match of expectations and ideals that unless the wife is enthusiastically consenting to it I don’t see how its a great foundation to go into a marriage with. Wouldn’t you only want your wife to be ecstatic about taking on your name? The larger issue is of course its not an appropriate topic of conversation until you’re in too deep. I think many women cave in to these requests because there are already past the point of walking away and deal with the repercussions later and in silence.
There’s never been any question to not take the guy’s last name. I definitely haven’t met that person yet, but regardless of his name, I intend on taking it. I highly doubt it would fly in my family to not take his name, plus I’m that traditional when it comes to those kind of things.
In my profession, it would make sense to keep my last name professionally speaking (I have a very strong surname), and just take my husband’s personally… so we’ll see.
Personally, I find it weird when women don’t take the guy’s name, just because I have yet to experience that in my life… I don’t know anyone who hasn’t taken the guy’s name, so that’s why. But if my brother’s girlfriend didn’t take our last name, I actually think I would be a little offended.
My mom didn’t take my dad’s last name which, in the late 70s and in their respective families, was unusual. As a kid, I kind of liked explaining to everyone that my mom had a different last name because it made our family seem interesting in a very uniform, boring town. At the same time, I think she didn’t want to take his name out of resentment for his family, and that’s led to problems over the years.
I’ve been considering the whole name thing recently and personally, I’m going to keep my maiden name legally, but not object if someone calls me Mrs. Boyfriend’sName (my mom objected strongly whenever someone called her Mrs.MyDad’sName and let me tell you, that was uncomfortable to be around). I’m in a career path where name recognition is important and while I probably won’t be published by the time I get married, I do have some academic achievements that I still want to be associated with. I also have serious trouble correctly pronouncing my boyfriend’s last name and would feel like an idiot if I mispronounced my own last name, even if no one would know I was wrong. I would like for everyone in our future family to have the same last name, but my sense of identity with my current full name is stronger. I think it’s an entirely personal choice, though, and there is no one right answer.
