Uncle/father UPDATE! Test has been done!!
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I haven’t followed this from the beginning, and there’s not much else to say that hasn’t been already. But under no circumstances should someone use a child to help themselves become more mature. If you’re not mature enough to parent a child, then you need to find someone who is or financially support the person who is picking up your slack. I hope that your son does not share the belief that this little girl’s purpose in his life should be to help him grow up.
I’ve been enjoying Dear Wendy for awhile now and have usually found folks commenting with the best interests of the writers in mind. I am appalled at the way people are speaking to Tiffani. Telling her how awful she is for raising kids that ended up as addicts and one involved in crime. What exactly is your motive here? It’s not helpful, that’s for sure. Your cutting words just might push another desperate person towards an irreversible act to escape their pain. Knock it off, people.
I work with folks who are impacted by the criminal justice system, with a focus on children with incarcerated parents. Statistically, more than 50% of children who experience having a parent in prison end up behind bars unless they get specialized supports. So there is an imperative to protect the child but it has also been statistically (and I have seen first-hand anecdotally) that both parents who have been/are incarcerated AND their children have improved life outcomes when they have a relationship. Children can indeed be the motivating factor to turn a life around BUT it is also a fact that addiction, mental illness and crime go hand in hand. Both mental health issues and addiction are illnesses that can impact anyone and if people don’t have the money for treatment, it’s nearly impossible to address them on your own.
The judgement here is just shocking and from folks that have previously been so kind. This poor woman has lost one son and is trying desperately to save her other one. Don’t throw stones at her. Tiffani, please research social service organizations that specialize in supporting children of incarcerated parents, folks struggling with mental health and addiction, and al-anon for you. There are people that can help those who want it. However, I would not try and do anything more with your grandchild’s mother that let her know you are there to support her and that you’d like to be a positive part of the child’s life, on her terms.
We have come down hard on Tiffani, because she is intent upon sacrificing this toddler in an attempt to save her remaining son. She has already cost the kid financial support. Her son who is the father seems less than eager to play a role in the child’s life, the child’s mother doesn’t want this, and the son has never even seen his child. This poor child does not need to be sucked into his father’s world of crime and addiction. I and many others are taking the side of this infant and her young mother, over that of a very angry and confused grandmother who absolutely hates t fhe child’s mother and couldn’t even bring herself to look at a picture of the child. This isn’t a loving supportive family and the son has failed multiple rehab attempts.
I’ll say to you what most of us said to Tiffani: this kid isn’t a tool to use in an attempt to save the unmet father. This kid is a fragile and defenseless human being, who has only his mother looking out for her interests. I don’t care if you think your research says this may help the father — and what I’ve seen says this applies to mothers who already have a relationship to the child, not to addicted, criminal fathers who have never met the child. Your stats say 50-50 the child’s lofe is ruined if the father becomes involved. Better odds with just the
Ron, of course the child is not a tool. That was never even implied in my comment. Supporting the needs of children of incarcerated parents in an area of specialty for me and in all things, the needs of the children are paramount. I have quite literally just written a manual on supporting such children, and facilitating familial relationships is a key component to strong life outcomes. I don’t know much about the child’s mother but it sounds as if she would also benefit from supports to help her provide a stable environment for her child to avoid a future like the father’s (whether they get to know each other or not).
Addiction and mental health issues are key risk factors that lead to criminal justice involvement, and those propensities are things people are born with. Justice system involvement doesn’t make people “bad”, it just makes them people who have made mistakes and need help (if they want it, of course, the father may not). I have seen amazing transformations. Of course, the child’s interests are paramount but the best interests of the child and their parents may very well be the same thing.
Did you read the other post about this, CanadaGoose?
Tiffani has decided to not meet her grandchild and her only involvement has been to push for this paternity test. She isn’t helping support this child in any way. Many people implored her to seek counseling (*for her grief) and she hasn’t. I believe I even linked to a site to find low or no cost help.
She’s had tunnel vision and her focus on this test is to give her son a reason to be sober, she’s said so in so many words.Anonymousse, I went looking for it and admittedly, I got through only a few posts. My response was really driven by the judgement-laden vitriol directed at a grieving mother. I have heard so many stories that would just rip your heart out, and just as many others that would inspire in truly expected ways that I am highly sensitive to othering language: addicts/criminals, that kind of thing. I used to be similarly judgemental and then I got a good look behind the curtain and truly believe I am just lucky to have the life I do. For many marginalized/in-crisis folks I’ve heard from, not being treated with disdain was the critical first step in rebuilding their lives. I can understand this mother’s desperation. I bet I’d feel it too, grasping at anything, anything at all to save my child. If she’s never met the grandchild, that may be why she doesn’t have a bond yet. I am clearly projecting on her the gentleness with which I’d want to be treated and since I haven’t read every other post, I will refrain from further comment. I wish all those involved positive futures.
Tiffani does not give a shit about the welfare of this child. That is why we are coming down hard on her.
Furthermore, the child is currently (to our knowledge) NOT INVOLVED IN THE CRIME OR DRUG SCENE. Her mother is a stable parent. Introducing a criminal addict father into her life is a net negative, period.
I’d be interested to know if the paternity test was done with the brothers in mind. A previous commenter suggested that if the people doing the test don’t know that paternity is between two brothers they may not do as thorough a test.
If that’s true the mother could request it be retested and maybe the deceased son is the father. Doesn’t really matter i guess since the grandmother is the one writing in and as i and others have mentioned her goal has never been about what’s best for her newly found granddaughter but as a tool to be used on her son.
I mean, I watch a bunch of those Lock Up shows and they all like to talk about their kids as a motivating factor…. While they sit in jail. So yeah, I’m gonna take that excuse with a grain of salt. Kids shouldn’t have a job.
