ChloeSydney
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@Karebear181 – K’s daughter has been on school holidays for the last few weeks. That, along with winter, a lot of rain. and a few days of lockdown, have naturally led to much less opportunity to get together with her. I avoided one social invitation but accepted the second one for drinks with our mutual friend. I’ve been going to a different dog park that’s closer to my new house and only going to the old dog park on the days I know she won’t be there. So far she has no idea that I’m avoiding her as she’s been so busy with school holidays.
K says she has ended things with the married man, for the 3rd time. She blocked him but he found her on snapchat and has told her he is suicidal, his life has no purpose and there is nothing for him to live for now that he has lost her. She has “seen the light” and now wants him to work things out with his wife and has no respect for him and his inability to take control of his life and choose happiness. She doesn’t want him even if he were to leave his wife for her (which he still says he won’t do).
I have finally worked my way through my thoughts and have decided my real issue is not so much her sleeping with married men, which I can put down to (in my opinion) a judgement error, but her refusal to feel any responsibility for the potential consequences of sleeping with a married man. Her disrespect and nastiness towards the spouses, her disregard for the potential upheaval of their children’s lives if the wives found out. Her “not my problem” attitude is what has changed how I feel about her as a person.
@istrice01 That’s completely irrelevant to this discussion. All of the married men that my friend has slept with have stated that they are doing so WITHOUT their wives’ knowledge. They go to extreme lengths to keep their activity secret. The one she is in love with, only communicates via the KIK app, which he deletes every night and reinstalls every morning. No amount of begging and breaking up with him has gotten him to give out his mobile phone number.
I don’t have any moral issues with the concept of open marriages, polyamory etc, so long as ALL parties are aware that’s what they are involved in.
In the situation I’m discussing, there are partners sitting at home completely unaware that their man is being intimate with others. That’s not cool.
Kate, this might come as a shock to you, but you aren’t able to dictate what my intentions were. You can have an opinion but that doesn’t make it a fact.
I haven’t “decided” anything about what’s good for her mental or emotional health. I merely said I didn’t THINK it was good for her. That’s a concern I have for her, not a statement of fact. BTW, she herself has said she doesn’t think what she is doing is good for her emotional well-being. She acknowledges that, in HER opinion, what she’s doing is not good for her.
You seem determined to force the issue on why I told the story the way I did which really isn’t your call to make.
Hi guys, thank you all so much for your input. A few points:
– My friend is not “at least 50” although close enough. She’s 46. She’s been with her husband for 28 years, not the 30 I rounded it up to in my OP.
– I mentioned the 10+ men she’s slept with, not to shame or judge her, but to paint a full picture. Otherwise people would think she started dating and met a guy who turned out to be married. I didn’t want to have to keep adding details to clarify the situation but that plan didn’t work too well 🙂
– It hasn’t only been two married men, there were more, but she didn’t continue relationships with the others, just had a couple of dates and then passed on them (not because they were married).This afternoon she asked if I’d take her dog to the dog park as she was busy “moving things to the new place”. It’s fully self contained so there is very little to “move”. I love her dog so was happy to do it, knowing he’d been locked up for 8 hours. She then messaged to ask if I could feed him when I dropped him home as she wouldn’t be back home tonight. So I’ve now been taking care of her dog because she was busy getting her new place set up for a romantic liaison with her married man tonight. Hew new place is only a few minutes drive from her home so she could have, and should have, sorted her dog out herself.
We have been very close friends so it’s going to be hard to distance myself, she will notice for sure, and she’ll call me out on it. But I don’t want any part of the married man situation so I’m going to do my best to opt out of the friendship, and if she asks, I’ll just be honest in the kindest way I possibly can. This afternoon gave me clarity. I can’t share her joy in what she’s doing. I have lost respect for her and that means the friendship has to come to an end.
Just to be clear, I have no issue at all with however many men she chooses to sleep with. I think it’s potentially unsafe for a variety of reasons and I don’t think it’s the best thing for her to do in terms of emotional health, BUT, I don’t judge her morals for having lots of lovers. COVID risk is a factor, sure, but where we live we’ve had very few cases so I can see her not taking that into account.
I have an issue with her knowingly sleeping with married men while thinking she has zero responsibility for the ramifications that might have on their families.
I have an issue with her saying “these wives wouldn’t leave anyway because they know when they are on a good thing”.
I do appreciate all perspectives though, so thank you to all who have replied.
Thanks Bittergaymark. We became friends at the dog park which means we usually catch up there at least 5 times a week, plus some socialising every week or two. I’ve moved a couple of suburbs away just two weeks ago so fading away is a little easier to implement.
I really appreciate both replies. I didn’t want to ask one of our mutual friends hence finding this forum and deciding to get some opinions.
Thank you. That’s what I was thinking also. I’d prefer to be honest but I know it will just make her feel a lot of negative emotions that she doesn’t need right now. Her sister has said the same thing to her that I would want to say and it made no difference.
