Copa
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My perspective is limited — I’m single, and wouldn’t want kids outside of a committed relationship — so I’m not sure what this is worth. BUT, I’ve never liked children very much, and as a result, have never felt much of a desire to have children. When I was in my 20s, I remember people would tell me I’d change my mind one day. I’m 30 now, and still zero on the maternal longing scale. Is it possible I might still change my mind? Sure, that’s possible — it happened to a former coworker of mine in her late 30s. Might I have regrets if I never have kids? That’s possible, too, but I think it’s unlikely. I suppose at this point I’m not too worried about the regrets, because even if I do become a mom, I can’t see myself ever being that person who feels her life had no meaning before kids, and I certainly don’t think a life without kids is any less meaningful for singles or couples who don’t have children. I’m not sure this is helpful at all, because like I said, I’m nowhere near kids and have always fallen pretty squarely into the “that’s not for me” category.
On a related but irrelevant note, I think I have a far easier time being single at 30 because I don’t like or long for children. A couple friends who are also single but very much want to start families are simply beside themselves that they’re unwed AND childless.
I agree with @Portia. I don’t know that the red flags at the beginning would be easy to spot earlier on. I do think it’s entirely possible that someone can talk about a hypothetical future with you at a point where it’s not too early to be weird, but that they aren’t necessarily full of shit if that future never pans out. Like my first serious boyfriend and I talked about The Future all the time, but we were young (probably 23-24ish when we started talking marriage) and backing up our talk with action at the time wasn’t super realistic. I don’t think either of us was full of shit, though. It’s how we felt about one another — until it wasn’t.
@Ale – Sounds like you know this, but someone who isn’t willing to compromise isn’t a great candidate to move in with anyway. That sounds like misery waiting to happen if you both know that he’s not open to even things like being asked to turn down his music the whole time.
@Ale – I’m sorry, that really sucks. I’m inclined to agree with Kate. And, if you decide this IS a dealbreaker for you, better to move on sooner rather than later.
@hfantods – If you want to see the guy again, contact him! Don’t wait around for him to contact you. He may not be into it — and if he’s not, it’s fine and not a reflection on you — but you should go for what you want. And, if nothing else, you’ll have your answer rather than waiting around for a text or call.
@MissDre – Haha. Right!? I swear, almost every time I meet someone I plan/hope to see again, one of us has travel plans immediately after our first date. (Lately, it’s been the guy, not me, but I’ve been the problem before, too.)
My date was super fun! He was really, really easy to talk to. We had a couple drinks, split some appetizers, and then he was nice enough to drive me to a restaurant to meet up with a couple of cousins/my sister to say goodbye to a cousin who was visiting and leaving today. (So then I had more booze and food, haha.) He said he wants to go out again, but is traveling for the next week, so maybe I’ll see him in a couple weeks? I’m very open to it!
I have a first date with a guy from Tinder this evening. It’s also my first day not being fairly disgusting from a cold I caught, so timing is good. Haha. We’ll see how it goes!
Has everyone here watched How I Met Your Mother? I caught an episode on TV recently, the one where Robin tells Ted she loves him for the first time, and the episode opens with Narrator Ted doing a voice over about the four stages of saying I love you while showing different moments in his and Robin’s relationship, and I thought it was so sweet. According to the show, there’s the moment where you think it. The moment where you think you know it. The moment where you know you know it, but can’t say it. And finally the moment where you know you know it, and can’t keep it in anymore.
In any case, I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I’ve only been in love twice, but have a couple friends who seem to fall in love with literally every guy they date, and I think it’s because we experience the emotion differently. I do think it’s more complicated than just hoping for and imagining a future with someone, though.
I don’t remember how or when I knew I loved my first serious boyfriend, but that relationship began almost a decade ago. I don’t quite remember with the second serious boyfriend, either, but he was someone who I felt those waves of emotion for that seemingly came out of nowhere. I do remember once in particular where he was telling me about his ex-wife, and feeling actual pain that someone had caused HIM pain, even if it was in the past. Like I didn’t want him to be unhappy, ever, even if it had already happened. (There were also similar moments with happy emotions, but that’s the one I remember most vividly.)
I also think what “counts” as love for me has changed over the years. I do know I loved my first serious boyfriend very much, as much as I knew what it meant to love someone at the time, but if I felt now for someone what I felt then, it wouldn’t be love to me now.
@lucia_la It sounds like you’re having a great time! It’s always nice when you meet someone who you want to spend as much as your free time with as possible. 🙂
@veritek I’d actually consider it an endorsement of someone if a friend had a crush on them once upon a time.
Not much new with me — have been talking to two guys from Tinder, but haven’t met either yet. Was unable to schedule a date with one of them last week between his work travel (AGAIN WITH THE WORK TRAVEL) and I had a visitor in town. Was hoping to meet him this week, but caught a nasty cold yesterday and feel like crap, so we’ll see!
Cool! I would love, love, love to live abroad again. What a fun adventure.
That’s awesome, Dre! I should read that book. Out of curiosity, what’s your end goal with this guy? I know you’re seeing where things go for the time being, but is the hope that if things work out, you’ll move there?
True. Honestly, the people I work with are (mostly) amazing and wonderful and kind. And overworked. I think the new job will be a good shift for me, though, with new responsibilities and a better title, and it sounds like there is room for growth that my current job just doesn’t offer. But, still sad to leave for the people. And, I feel terribly guilty for leaving because I know from experience how hard it is on the rest of the team when someone moves on. Two weeks notice is the standard here, but individual workloads are so heavy that it’s never enough.
