D_J

@anonymousse, I am long overdue for a holiday!

Hi again. Thanks for your additional thoughts. I am more than game to have a respectful discussion with people I believe can provide insight. Why else would I pour my soul to complete strangers about something so personal (and highly controversial)? This is gonna be another long one, but I have a lot of feedback to respond to and also some additional context to share. If you don’t care to read it, I understand…just forget this evil thread ever entered your lives and move on to the next one. But here it goes…

I digress, I digress. I read my original post again with a clear head and yes – I completely understand the entire “romance novel” connotation and *well-deserved* backlash I received from some of you about how I was romanticizing this friendship. Please understand that this is the first I am telling *anyone* *any* of this so yeah, it was a bit overwhelming for me to put down in writing – kind of like a weight was being lifted. I had to get it all out. And I also admitted for the first time to someone (other than myself for the past year), that I have very strong feelings for this guy. Which is an awful, horrible thing given the circumstances, but I decided that the only way to gather honest thoughts was to be completely honest with you…the good, the bad, and the ugly. (That is also part of the reason I tried to inject humor!) I probably should have expressed things differently on the onset. So here is my attempt to do so.

Some of you commented on how bizarre it seemed that I remembered so much specific detail of an almost 15-year acquaintance and that it must denote an “obsession” of some sort. For me, recalling that level of detail is the norm. I have a nickname at work – they call me “steel trap” due to my memory (blessing and a curse). So I wouldn’t read too much into that part of it – I remember a plethora of details regarding all acquaintances, not just one that would become so significant to me after all these years. And admittedly, since things started changing with this guy over the past year, I have played it all back in my head several times, so it came out more like a “story.” Additionally, I wanted you to understand the dynamic of how our friendship progressed over the years – mainly so I could glean feedback on how things are different now. That’s why I took it alllll the way, way back. Anyway.

Some background on me. I was born and raised in England and was relocated to the US for the job I have now (I moved here aged 25 and am now 39). The culture there is very different…you just don’t share personal information unless it is with an extremely close friend. At school and work, it’s all business. When I moved here, it was a culture shock. To this day, I struggle breaking away from my extremely private tendencies (hence why I am spilling my guts on Dear Wendy!!, versus speaking with a friend). I don’t talk about anything personal at work, other than the basic stuff (favorite food, music, blah blah blah). To this day, I have never shared anything *overly* personal with my “friend” (who is 40, btw). He is much the same (or was) – no relationship talk, etc. Just fun, harmless topics, teasing me about my “posh” accent (which I am desperately trying to lose, but at least I have mastered American spelling), etcetera. Which segues into my next point.

There has been a lot of discussion about what other things have occurred to make me believe things have “changed” regarding our interactions (other than the staring, etc.). No, he hasn’t flirted with me and is far from the flirting type (nor am I). He is very quiet and reserved. And yes…shy. He recently admitted to me that while he is very commanding in his professional life, he is a very shy person that struggles with intimate connections. He told me he has always had a hard time with wanting to be “liked,” but not knowing how to engage people. Off the charts introvert (per his words). So imagine my surprise when recently (around the same time the staring started) he started sharing some personal baggage with me. He told me he and his wife are complete opposites and he struggles with communicating with her. She resents his long hours and constant focus on work. And he also said he worries about his kids (he has a 19-year old son and a 17-year old daughter). He said his wife insisted on raising them the complete opposite of what he thought was *right* and as a result, they are a bit on the wild, inappropriate side. So I thought that was very out of character for him. And he has started “fishing” a bit about my personal situation. He outright asked me if I live alone and what I am doing to stay “safe.” About six months ago, I mentioned in passing that I needed to change maid services and he got rather controlling and possessive. He literally raised his voice to me and said I should never, ever, EVER! let someone have access to my house. I was rattled over that. I told him I regularly work 65-70 hour weeks (which includes many weekends…which he already knows), so what would he expect me to do? He didn’t have an answer for that, but shot me a very angry look. I was like, wtf?? He now sends me random emails to “check on me” (he never used to do that) and asks how things are going at home, have I been to any fun concerts lately?, did I know so-and-so band is coming to town?, etcetera. So yeah, my radar has been up and it was clear (to me, in my mind, haha) he was taking an overly personal interest. I guess I should have shared this before, but the original post was already 50 pages long and I wasn’t sure it was that relevant…I thought the staring and always following me around was enough.

Someone asked if anyone else has noticed our interactions. My closest work friend (male) made a comment a couple of months ago when my “friend” sat next to me at a dinner. He said, “wow – he always finds you, doesn’t he!?” Of course, that made me feel quite uncomfortable and I just played it off.

So there you have it. What was I hoping to gain from my original post? Other than airing my dirty laundry, I was looking for insight into what he seems to be up to. And to figure out how to manage it, given my (highly, highly unfortunate, immoral <<insert your own adjective here>>) attraction to him. No…I wouldn’t “jump at the chance” to start something up with him in the present state. He is married and we both have incredible careers to look after. If he wasn’t married, sure, I would find a different job in a millisecond. But he is married, and it is what it is. Oh well.

Great advice anonymousse (and Aunt Linda) and yes, I plan to begin dating after getting out of a long-term relationship. I just haven’t been ready and that has probably made me a vulnerable target to something I shouldn’t get caught up in. The key takeayways from you and other kind posters are taken loud and clear. I appreciate your refreshing perspective.

@Kate, I referred to it as a “major problem,” because I feel like things have entered “weird town,” and we both seem to have issues acting normal around each other. And he goes out of his way to be around me when there are literally hundreds of other people he could choose to sit with. This is a very important professional relationship for me to maintain, and it is now awkward AF, due to some of the things that have, and continue to happen (the excessive eye contact and him seemingly wanting to be around me more than others). I fully expected that after the stare down incident, he would avoid me like the plague. But it has been the exact opposite. So I am scratching my head over the whole thing.

Some of you have stated that maybe he started the weird eye contact because he sensed that I had a crush and was uncomfortable. I can tell you unequivocally that until he started staring, I never gave him a passing thought other than, “oh, he’s good looking and I respect him, but he is off the market, so oh well, – next!” I only started developing feelings after it seemed (to me at least) that he was interested personally.

But like I said in my previous reply, I just need to stop thinking about it and hope that given time, things will go back to how they used to be. Things haven’t crossed any serious lines, thank goodness, so there is hope. And thank you for your thoughtful replies – I so appreciate it.