dawnfawn1996
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To be fair with the journal of hurtful things my family said to me I was 14. I actually kept that journal(after I found it in the trash) and dug it out last night and here’s some of the things I wrote
“We went school clothes shopping today. And when we went to hollister for jeans, mom you said ‘I wish you and your sister and you had the same length of legs so I could save some money with clothes’ then when we went to the on jeans and the size you got me was too small you said ‘well I guess it wouldn’t matter about the leg length now because your two pants sizes bigger than last year”
“Today me and *Chloe* went with grandma to lunch and we stopped at the gas station before and it had a scale you out a quarter in. Grandma ran out to the car, got a quarter and made me stand on the scale. I was 150.1 pounds. She said “I weighed that 7 months pregnant with your dad and I’m 5’10”. Then at lunch a bigger lady walked by and grandma said “god if I weighed over 160 pounds I would kill myself”. When I told dad about it he said “oh honey you know your grandma, she meant no harm.” I asked what do you think she meant by making me stand on a scale, making the comment of how she weighed as much as me pregnant, and the comment if she weighed almost what I do she would kill herself? Dad you said “oh stop it” and walked off.
All I’m all there’s 140 entries I made. In hindsight and now that I’m older, I wouldn’t have done it but I was a 14 year old hurt kid. I think everyone is right. There’s nothing I can do about them. I have a chunk saved now and can hopefully move out by New Years
Yes I have made comments and told people that they have hurt my feeling when they make these comments and have bluntly asked them to stop. For instance with my grandma, one time I straight asked her to stop comparing me to my sister and she said “well do better and I will. I’m not trying to compare you but inspire you to do more with your life.” (I wanted to side note that my grandma is who my sister looks like. My grandma is in her early 60s and has always been very thin and pretty and used to model back in the day. Even now she is still very beautiful and is always focused on looks).
When I have told my parents their comments and comparison have hurt or I wish they wouldn’t say those things, its usually followed up with “Oh I was just joking”, “oh stop being so sensitive and a baby about it” or “well it is the truth. I am not going to sugar coat reality for you.” The only time they have ever really stood up for me was the instance with the teacher and I think that was because to them, that was overtly inappropriate and they could do something about it
They have said things to my grandma (who I no longer talk to) but nothing really came of that. My parents are more subtle when they compare us. Like for instance when I was away at college for a year my mom called and we were chit chatting and she said something along the lines of I should be glad my sister got a full ride otherwise they would not be able to help me with school. When I told her that kind of hurt my feelings because it made it seem like she was saying if my sister was not so smart and had her school paid for, they would not be able to help me because I was not as smart and didn’t get as many scholarships as her and my mom’s response along the lines of “Well that is just reality. It is what it is. I’m not sure what you expect me to say? Do you want me to undermine your sister’s achievements so you can feel better?” (This was NOT what I was asking her to do).
One time I wrote in a journal all the things family has said to me that hurt me over the course of the year and gifted it to my parents for Christmas. Both just laughed it off and told me I was oversensitive and dramatic and needed to “toughen up.” Even my sister told me that it made her uncomfortable because it was not her fault our family said these type of things to me. And it’s not.As far as myself, I actually do like a lot about myself. I try to go out of my way to help others. I do take good care of myself. I volunteer at various organizations. I get my hair done regularly, get my nails done, I dress nice everyday, I workout at least 3-4 days a week, I do my makeup everyday and always get compliments on it, I have always done well in school (As and Bs). I do not think I am ugly by any means. I am just taking general classes now since I do not know what I want to do.
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I would not say it’s the ENTIRE town but more so teachers and people we known. We are from a small rural town where everyone quite literally knows everyone. It’s the kind of town where everyone is at the local high school on Friday nights for the high school football game. The people who work at the 3 local gas stations and local grocery store have worked there for 15+ years and know everyone in town. People don’t lock their doors. When people graduate they either start having kids or start working. So yes, they are amazed that my sister, who was extremely involved in the community, is where she is. And as her younger sister, I guess they expected the same of me.
I have mentioned previously in this post that I do not wish to have my sister’s life nor am I inherently jealous of her- I am proud of her deep down, she works extremely hard to be where she is at. But it’s the CONSTANT comparisons and the put downs and obvious favoritism that has lead me to ne jealous and sometimes resentful of her. It is not her fault and I know that. She has always been supportive of me but it is hard not to have those feelings. And even during the years I did move away from family for college, the comparisons did not stop. My mom would call to remind me my sister was already a junior her freshman year because she had so many college credits from high school. I was constantly reminded how I did not have the privilege of having college completely paid for like my sister and how I was costing my parents so much money. When I would make friends, they would see tagged photos of me and my sister on social media and say things like “holy cow that’s your sister?!?!? She’s flawless. Does she look more like your mom where you look more like your dad because you guys don’t even look related!” And that was MULTIPLE people saying things along those lines. And I have already mentioned the boyfriend story. And that’s just one guy. Something like that has happened multiple times. I have been compared to her my whole life and put down. It really started to ramp up once I got to high school but when I look back, the comparisons and favoritism has always been there. Even my mom has mentioned how my sister was such an easy baby whereas after me, she made sure I was her last kid as I stressed her out so much. My sister started walking by this age, but I did so much later. My sister started reading and riding a bike at this age, but I did so much later. My sister was just born “gifted” and they did not raise us any different. These are things I have been told over and over again. And then comments by teachers, boyfriends or guys I’ve liked, therapists, friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc etc etc. And after years and years of this, it has lead me to be extremely jealous of her. Not necessarily because of her looks or success but because of everyone else putting me down in comparison to her
I also forgot to mention when my sister graduated high school, my grandparents took her to Italy for a week. When I graduated high school, they gave me a card with $50 in it and said “congrats”. When my parents mentioned the obvious favoritism to them about my grandma responded something similar to “I mean *Chloe* (my sister) was Valedictorian and got not one but two full scholarships. *Jess* (me) just skated by. I thought Chloe deserved something very special for her hard work.” She even messaged me and told me she was sorry I was upset about not taking me on a trip but by sister had worked really hard and deserved a break.
I am not trying to sound ungrateful by any means. Nor did I expect a fancy trip or anything. But just stuff like that and the obvious favoritism has always hurt. Even my sister has apologized to me on my family’s behalf, particularly my grandparents, favoritism towards her. It got so bad when I was younger that my parents had to tell our grandma if she was not going to buy us both gifts or gifts that were equal, to not buy either of us anything at all. My grandma would buy my sister expensive gifts and would gift me and my cousin a packet of socks. I am being dead serious. I am not trying to sound petty at all but I’ve dealt with stuff like this for a lifetime now and it feels like I cannot escape it.I also wanted to add that I know none of this is my sisters fault at all. She cannot help her looks, smarts, athleticism, or what people say or do. I am not blaming her but not is hard not to be jealous or even resentful some times when you have been compared to someone your whole life and always told you are not on their level. I do love my sister dearly but it can be hard not to have these feelings
I never used to compare myself until I got to high school and that’s when the comparisons really started. Now that we are older, my family is constantly comparing us and makes comments about how much more successful she is than me. My parents are surprisingly the most sensitive. My grandma has legit said to me verbatim “your sister was my first grandchild and her and I have just always had a bond I’ve never had with any of the other grandchildren. She was just born special and she’s so smart and beautiful. You really need to look at her for inspiration because you have not accomplished half the things she has when she was your age. She will be graduating med school by 26 and You’re still living at home.” This was last thanksgiving. Aunts and uncles have also said similar things. “Doesn’t it make you feel like your aren’t doing much with your life? I mean your sister is in school to be a Heart surgeon and what are you doing?” I wish I was making this stuff up.
I feel this way because at least 2-3x a week, I am reminded by family and people who know me and my sister how great, smart, pretty, etc she is. I do not harbor any ill feelings towards my sister and I am not naturally competitive with her nor do I wish to live her life and I am extremely happy and proud of her, but it is hard not to have feelings of jealousy when you are quite literally constantly reminded of how much better someone is than you. I am trying to save up money so I can move but that’s just not an option for me right now unfortunately
I have actually talked extensively about my sister in therapy and everyone comparing us. It’s one of the big reasons I started therapy in the first place. This is part of the reason I wanted her to go to one session with me because my therapist kept making comments that made me believe she really did not believe me when I described my sister and the reasons I am jealous of her. My sister has always been supportive of me and always apologizes when family compares us but even she has said some things, trying to be helpful, that have unintentionally hurt me. For example when I told her I feel like she has everything, she responded that she was jealous of me because I’ve never had people think I’m a bimbo because of looks or have guys only want me so they can show off to their friends or as a trophy on their arm, or have professors accuse me of cheating because they think there is no way I could pass tests or get a high score, or I never have to worry about people thinking I somehow slept my way into medical school or am performing sexual favors in order to maintain grades. I know she meant this to be supportive and try to help me see things I have that she doesn’t or things she has to worry about and I don’t but it just made me feel like she was saying because I don’t have her looks, I never have to worry about people thinking I’m stupid like she does.
Unfortunately I cannot afford to leave right now. I ma hoping too in the next few years. And I do feel safe around my family. The situation with my cousin happened once and he was our age- about 7-9. We immediately told our parents and have never been around him since. I could see how my dad’s comment may seem strange out of context but it was during a conversation we were having. I think he said it to reassure me that being intimidated and jealous of my sister wasn’t abnormal. Sometimes my dad just doesn’t know what to say and can be awkward.
We are from a very small town, only 5000 people, so most of the teachers my sister had, I had. I promise you I am not lying. For example, one time I was having trouble understanding my calculus assignment and I went to the teacher for help. And he said,” you know who you should ask, your sister! She aced this class and could probably help you better understand it than I can.” My sophomore year of high school my chemistry teacher, who also had my sister, asked why I was not taking AP chemistry like my sister and when I responded I was not as smart as my sister, she responded “so your sister took the smart and looks genes huh?” My parents actually went to the school for that and the teacher got in huge trouble after she admitted to saying that but only meant it as a joke. My principal ended up moving my classes after that.
The reason I had invited my sister to my therapy session was because we were going to be talking about something traumatic both my sister and I went through as kids (our cousin sexually abused us) and I thought it would be a good idea if she came along because she went through it too. But my sister deals with things by making jokes and avoiding the topic so instead she started making jokes and telling funny stories instead of talking about it. I did move away for college a few years ago (I moved back home and am in community college now) and when I would bring friends home, they would see pictures of my sister or see her if she was also home for break and would be instantly infatuated with her. I brought home a boyfriend from college once who upon meeting my sister said “wow, you guys looking nothing alike. Are you sure you guys are related?” Then later on I found messages from him and his friends where he had gone onto my sister’s social media and screenshotted pictures of her and sent them and said “damn I got with the wrong sister.” After we broke up, he started messaging my sister who quickly shut it down.
I am currently on the hunt to find a new therapist and I am doing things to try and better myself but it is hard when I am constantly being compared to her. As I mentioned, my parents have always done their best to not compare us but unfortunately some of our family is not as kind about it and are very blunt about the differences between my sister and I -
This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
