ebstarr

Haha oh ok! That makes so much more sense. 🙂

@applescruffs, yeah, and I have a feeling that even if you did it in the nicest way possible: “oh, I didn’t change my name when we got married, I’m actually apple scruffs” people would still read it as bitchy and RAWR and defensive.

Yeah — it seems to me that there’s some weird pressure on women to be Oh So Totally Okay with being called the wrong name even if they chose to keep their own. I mean, lots of people are actually totally okay with it I’m sure, and that’s as legit as any other feeling/choice we’re talking about here; but it’s like, if you have the gall to expect to be called the correct name, somehow you’re in the wrong, instead of, if anyone, the person who made the incorrect assumption in the first place.

I think it’s somewhat of a subtle way of distinguishing the nice women from the Uppity Feminists. I mean, whether someone is okay with it or not okay with it or changes her name or doesn’t change her name isn’t about being a “good” feminist in reality, but some people really seem to have such a scorn for women who rock the boat, especially if it makes someone else at all uncomfortable.

its just so much more the “norm” to take the husband’s name rather than the other way around. I don’t see that changing any time soon either.

Yeah. It depresses me because no one would ever assume “Oh, my boyfriend will obviously be willing to change his name when we get married, and if he isn’t it’s probably because he secretly doesn’t love me!” It’s those assumptions — and the burden of expectation being placed solely on the woman, and honestly, the sense of entitlement that some men have to dictate what their wive’s last name should be without ever offering the option of changing their own* — that depress me.

*I have a friend’s former boyfriend in mind here. He eventually conceded to, “OK, you can keep your last name, but we’re not hyphenating our kids’ names, because I don’t want them being exposed to your feminist issues.” Shockingly, they broke up.

In my group of friends (I’m mid-twenties), it’s more common to have a mom who kept her last name after marriage than it is to do it yourself. I personally find that depressing–everyone should do what they individually want of course, but it is sad that it’s still so much the default to take your husband’s name. So I’m not surprised or put off, particularly, when people–like your boyfriend–just kind of knee-jerkingly assume it will happen. (People who know me assume I won’t do it, and they’re right, but I’m very rawwwr-ish!)

But that he then got offended when you didn’t automatically agree to it (I think that’s what you said)? I don’t think you’re wrong to be a bit perturbed. He got offended because your last name wasn’t automatically disposable to you? Of course it’s not! It’s your name. It’s your identity; you’ve had it for decades; depending on your profession you may have published articles or had articles published about you under that name. It’s great to change it if that’s what you want, but either way it’s probably still a big deal for you. So I don’t feel like you are making an issue about nothing.

But, it seems likely to me he won’t react that way next time it comes up, if he’s generally progressive. He probably just had never examined his own assumptions about it before, y’know? I mean, for one thing, he never had occasion to think, “Hmm, my name is Bob Goodlastname now, but what if I marry someone whose last name was Cobb? Then my name would sound stupid!” Because we all played that game when we were little… or at least I did. Whereas if he married someone named Cobb, his name would stay Bob Goodlastname. OK I really don’t know how I got on this tangent.