freckles

@FannyBrice, thank you so much for your story! That’s kind of how I picture my childfree life. Living in a cool interesting place where we can go out to dinner or see a show or walk around, and where people want to visit us. Meeting up with friends for dinner at a moments notice. Having a glass of wine at a cool bar at noon on a Saturday. Maybe have a place near the water that we could only afford if we don’t have kids. Traveling to a ton of cool places, sometimes for longer periods of time. Taking a few months (or year!) and traveling the world. Having enough time to take those classes and pick up hobbies (I don’t really have any hobbies now, but I want to change that!) Also retiring early is very very appealing to Mr Freckles and myself!

I guess I haven’t mentioned this point of it yet, but the money aspect is pretty big in our minds. We’d both love to have enough money to do all those things I mentioned above, and kids are so expensive! I live in a major city, and the daycare costs alone here are horrendous.

I don’t know that this is a decision you can 100% rationally think your way through – maybe try clearing your head a bit, back off from intellectualizing both options, see what comes to you.

I think you’re completely right here. I do need to step back and clear my head I think. I’ve been thinking about this non stop, and it’s making me miserable.

ps no sex on the kitchen floor for us either 😉 although our problem is we have no blinds in there… hi neighbors!

@Mylaray, I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. That sounds really tough :\ You and your husband sound a lot like us, I agree. We’re still going through testing and follow ups, but I think if it came down to needing donor sperm or adoption, we wouldn’t go through with that. And I also think Mr Freckles wouldn’t want to go through heavy fertility treatments either (some of what they do to extract sperm really squidges him out, understandably!). So we would probably stick to the ‘light fertility’ treatments too if that were an option and we decided we wanted to go for it.

I think there’s a small piece of me that’s hoping we can’t have our own kids, because then the decision will be made and we can move on with our lives and get out of limbo. We won’t ever worry whether we made the wrong decision, because that decision was made for us and there’s no going back (with the assumption that donor sperm or adoption are not for us).

I had a coworker today tell me she was pregnant, and I’m in such a crabby mood right now. I’m still super sad and jealous whenever people tell me they’re pregnant. I had a college friend text our group a month or so ago to tell us she was pregnant. I finally de-activated my facebook and instagram because I couldn’t take all the baby pictures anymore. And I have a friend and her husband and baby coming up soon to visit with me, Mr Freckles, and our other friend who has a baby. And I’ll be honest, I am dreading it. I love these two friends to pieces, and I miss our girls nights. But hanging out with them and their babies? I think it will be hard for me, and I’m afraid of all the talk about babies. They both know (to different degrees) we’ve been struggling, but it would be impossible for them to NOT talk about their kids all weekend. And I totally get that. But that doesn’t mean I want to be around it right now.

Also, I am PMSing right now, so my hormones are in full gear. I just poured myself a big ass glass of wine. Hopefully that will make me feel better 😛

Also, really good point about bringing more kids like us into the world. If we had kids we would also teach them to be intelligent, kind human being who work for the greater good. And to have empathy with people who are in different life circumstances than you.

Or, we do our best and they still turn out to be assholes :\

@Copa, I think I saw myself with kids because that was the societal norm. I don’t think I ever really thought about choosing not to have children until I was in my mid-20s and it started to become more of a reality. (I’m in my early 30s now, for reference).

And even now, I think I roll it around in my head, testing out different scenarios, trying to figure out how I feel.

There are things that I really look forward to, that I would be sad not to get to experience. For instance I’m a big nostalgic, and I’m the family genealogist. So I picture talking to my kids about our family history. Or telling stories about my grandparents or parents. Or I picture them asking about what life was like when Trump was President and me telling them how crazy and ridiculous and horrible it all was. Or I picture telling them about 9/11 and what that was actually like. Things that they’ll learn in school that I can talk about. Or passing along really old family photos I have, or cool old items that’ve been passed down. (I know there is absolutely zero guarantee that they would be interested in any of this, but if I don’t have kids the possibility is zero, whereas if I do, it’s non-zero.)

I get sad when I think that all of my family history will just end with me. Both my mom and I are only children, so the idea that I won’t have another generation to share stories with makes me sad. It makes me feel like my grandparents will just be forgotten (they’re both gone now), because I won’t be able to pass their memories down.

Silly and nostalgic, I know. But family history is something I am very much into.

Honestly one of my main reasons for having them was that I was getting tired of my life the way it was. Like, we had a great mareiage, my career was going great, we had money to travel and do whatever we wanted, we had a home we loved, we had two cats who I adored. And yet, I found myself thinking, is this it? That’s when I really started considering kids seriously. Before that, I was just sort of meh about the idea.

This is true for me too. I’m already feeling that a little bit, and I’m worried it’s just going to get worse. Doing the same thing over and over and getting bored. Wanting something more.

I’m not sure why I started trying to be honest. I was ready about two years ago, and it took my husband another year to get there too. I had always pictured myself with kids (even though I never liked them), which I now think has more to do with societal norms than my own actual preferences. After I got married the urge didn’t kick in, and now that I was in a committed relationship, and the possibility started to arise, we leaned more towards not having kids. It just wasn’t something that appealed to either of us. Then about two years ago I got the urge seemingly out of nowhere. I talked to Mr Freckles, but he wasn’t there yet. After another year or so, he decided he was ready and we started trying. However I have a strong suspicion that it is mostly biology more than anything else. I can’t really articulate why I want children. The reasons I gave in my first post are pretty flimsy. Teaching them things? Watching my husband be a father? Raising someone that’s like us? I mean those are pretty small for an 18+ year commitment (or more, since if I have any, I’m definitely having more than one; I hate being an only child). THe

Getting involved with kids is a good idea. Although I’m with Kate – if I had to volunteer, I would steer way clear of anything to do with kids. Boys and Girls Club, mentoring… none of that appeals to me. (Maybe that should tell me something?)

In 10 years I’m not sure where I see myself. What I do see was 20 years from now having older children. I think I would enjoy adult children, but the idea of 18 years to get there is what scares me. I don’t know if I have it in my to be a parent to a small child. I’m impatient. I dislike irrationality. I don’t like children’s activities. The idea of teaching them to read, or watching them learn new things does appeal to me. But not taking them to soccer. I do value my freedom, so rearranging my life so they can go to soccer on Saturdays, and piano lessons on Sundays, and the mall on Friday night, and a birthday party on Tuesday… I dunno. I definitely would not be the type of parent whose life revolves around their child, I do know that (at least that would be my intention). So maybe it doesn’t have to be all bad. There are so many people in America who revolve around their children, and maybe that’s what I’m afraid of?

I guess I just hear parents talk about how much joy their kids bring into their lives. And it’s a struggle but it’s so worth it. Or it’s the most rewarding thing they’ve ever done. And I know that that isn’t for everyone, but I guess I’m afraid I’ll be missing out on some huge joy in life.

Also I definitely agree about a therapist. I’m trying to find one now, because this is a huge thing that we’re going through and I think I need someone to talk to.

ps @Janelle, that move is When Harry Met Sally. I love that movie!