juliecatharine
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LW I hope you really start to think about your sexual agency. You’re a young woman and believe me what you’re going through right now is very very common. You are not daddy’s virginal princess with an obligation to be a “good girl”. You are not at the mercy of any dude who decides he wants to touch you. You have the choice because it is yours by right, believe it, internalize it, act on it. Girlfriend backup is very helpful as you start getting more comfortable being assertive. The buddy system at clubs, bars, parties, really anywhere you’ll be drinking is very important. Stick together so you have someone watching your back. If your friends can’t be counted on for that don’t go drinking with them. Seriously, at your age with your inexperience ugly things happen. Go out, have fun, buddy up, and be careful.
You had a regrettable hookup; it happens. Next time you go clubbing have a plan in place for what you’ll do if a dude you’re not into touches you in a way you don’t like. Get comfortable with having and enforcing boundaries. Male attention isn’t that hard to come by and you can’t function as though some rando is your only opportunity to get some, he isn’t.
Finally, your hang up on his race is pretty gross. Stop it.
Honey if neither of you is willing to make the effort and you can’t communicate about it you’re holding on to the corpse of your relationship, not the actual connection. First relationships are tough to get over and move on from. We’ve all been there but you have bumble through as best you can. Do yourselves a favor and cut contact. Stay busy and single for awhile.
The idea that who he legally fucked in college before he met her is this huuuuge deal is truly ridiculous. This is the same group who routinely schools LWs for having an issue with their SOs watching porn. Seriously, none of you see the disconnect here? Are we pretending that porn actors and cam girls have protected status? Isn’t consuming porn dehumanizing to women? Why is that totally normal but this privacy-violating woman is entitled to answers? Why?
Completely agree with Firestar. Marriage doesn’t entitle you to grill your spouse about things that happened before you ever met them. Frankly that’s borderline abusive and again I find it hugely hypocritical that some folks here consider that ok because of their own views of prostitution. If visiting a brothel is a deal breaker she can get a divorce. Frankly, she’s the one who snooped and went through years of messages to find this information. There are issues here way beyond who he fucked in college.
NS I have neither the time nor the inclination to go back through the archives but yeah, the overwhelming reaction to men getting hung up on numbers is negative. I think the responses to this situation are over the top and largely irrelevant to the actual situation at hand and yes, hugely hypocritical. What happened between consenting adults happened. She can either deal with it or not. There’s a kid involved so I think it’s worth a bit more introspection than oh my god! Hookers! Human trafficking! Disease! Rapist! Everyone has a past, fool yourself if you like but there are an awful lot of men you know who have engaged the services of a sex worker whether they admit it or not.
Holy hypocrisy batman. If this were a guy asking for a woman’s number of past sexual partners people would be calling him a controlling cave man. This happened years before she met him and none of his behavior in the present led her to be suspicious. The level of outrage here is ridiculous and completely hypocritical.
Legal brothels in Australia are not the same as child sex slavery in Bangladesh or some other hell hole. I really think that’s a pretty graspable concept. But ok, her husband is a scum of the earth rapist. ????
If we’re talking about people with limited options let’s compare apples to apples. Day laborers, poultry factory workers, migrant farm workers, etc aren’t exactly rolling in options, benefits, or legal protections. Fast food workers generally don’t have 401ks. People do lots and lots of things that suck for money and we don’t judge the people who engage their services harshly.
And sorry for the double post not sure how to get rid of that.
Why? How is selling your body for someone else’s pleasure different than the hundreds of thousands of other distasteful tasks people do for money? We all sell ourselves. I don’t think it’s up to me or anyone to moralize what happens between consenting adults.
I guess I don’t generally agree with the idea that selling your body for sex is necessarily different from other ways people sell themselves to survive. (And yes I realize I am hedging all over the place with that sentence.). Roofing is hard physical labor and can be dangerous, office jobs can be soul sucking. Why is it that using your body to perform some types of work is fine but fucking for money is verboten? Prostitution and other types of sex work can be very lucrative, don’t take up a lot of time vs traditional work, have flexible hours, and yeah, I think some people enjoy it. Are the majority of prostitutes psyched about their job? Obviously not.
