meadowphoenix
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Gonna be honest, I think it’s profoundly disrespectful to lie in order to keep someone. if you think someone’s dealbreakers are unreasonable, don’t try to date or marry them. (I can’t quite tell if I would think this OP’s were, but I’m leaning toward unreasonable. I think it’s okay to want open knowledge about each others experiences in order to gauge how to develop intimacy that is safe for you emotionally and be hurt when you were lied to. I think it’s reasonable to see this as something that destroys intimacy. but a lot of christians I have experience with don’t have what I feel are psychologically reasonable ideas of this. And 50 years ago…I don’t have high hopes that the state of womanhood would have allowed OP’s wife a lot of mainstream options).
And I think its very odd that OP hasn’t focused on that and worked that out with his wife and instead is focusing on the content of the lie itself, which doesn’t have anything to do with him. I get the feeling that this isn’t about OP’s wife being with other guys and more the fact it seems like he’s never had experience with other women so he feels unbalanced.
there’s no respect for himself and no empathy for the consequences of her childhood here. if in 12 years you never developed enough love for your wife that you couldn’t put your hurt aside while she worked out her childhood…that doesn’t sound solid to me. I’m not surprised she wasn’t vulnerable with OP before. if in 12 years, you don’t realize that for people with dealbreakers those are foundational in how they see themselves and their relationships so that you do in fact need to address it with them when you lie about one…doesn’t sound solid to me. Not surprised OP hasn’t let it go.
at the very least he should try therapy again.
First of all, never ever ever EVAH, model your life a on Tyler Perry movie, okay, OP? I didn’t really read all of it, but that struck as the problem with your mindset immediately.
Second, don’t date drug dealers or people who associate with them! You’re absolutely right that is a stressful situation. Like that’s not a singular problem of your ex, okay, just stay away from all fuckboys who have drugs around you.
Third, do not expect your mother to behave rationally about her gf. You have no evidence that she’s going to protect you, like…you’re all about how your mom and you are going to start fresh, but she ain’t started fresh before so why now??? Like, yeah, maybe your mom comes with you, but don’t be surprised if she stays with her shitty gf or she comes with you but lets her shitty gf in your homes to rifle around in your business.
Fourth, don’t start that business until you and your kids are stable and you have a good couple thousand in savings.
Last, keep every single dime of that money.
Honestly, while setting up an emergency bag is a great idea (you never know what might happen as you prepare to leave), I wouldn’t even have this argument with her. She’s 100% going to try to talk you out of it, and I think it’s a mistake to give her that opportunity. Sending a letter is NOT immature when your sister has PROVED to you that she doesn’t talk to you with respect for you or in good faith (intending on viewing your position as valid even if different). Move out when she’s not there and then send the letter. Your sister is making things hard for you for no reason. It’s okay to make the situation she’s causing you easier for you.
If you do want to have the conversation in person, I still suggest the same. Move out first and then meet her in a public place.
Here’s the thing, even if your sister wanted to, she may find it hard to re-calibrate how she treats you. I just don’t see an upside to giving her another chance here before you gain some independence.
If you have to move in with your boyfriend, PLEASE don’t let him have control over anything important either. It’s not that your boyfriend is a bad guy, it’s that when you’re leaving a relationship where someone exerted a lot of control over you, it’s easy to fall into the same dynamic with someone else. Frankly, no matter how well you get on with your boyfriend, it’s a good idea to make moving in with him temporary. You need to see how you make decisions without anyone else having a say and how you take care of yourself without relying on anyone else. He should understand this.
I don’t know, I feel like cowards, especially ones who are cowardly because they don’t like they’re partner’s (non-abusive) reaction, are deal-breakers for me.
I completely agree, CJ. That’s what I was thinking too. Early in their relationship, or maybe throughout, she’s giving direction and he feels like sex~ should be naturally good and since it’s not he’s behind.
Sex with every single person is different. Instead of feeling like you’re behind, maybe try see sex as an adventure with your wife. There’s a good chance that no previous experience would have helped you ~naturally have great sex with your wife. And if you feel like you can’t articulate your needs because you’ve never had a comparison, then you need to realize that you too can tell her what feels good and what doesn’t.
